I don't expect a reply to this - I'm writing it to both ease my grief, and to say all those things I have needed to say for so long - nor do I especially want one. I want what I've always wanted - my family, plain and simple.  I'll never want anything else, and never have.
I know we sometimes feel the need to justify our actions, lest the guilt haunt us.  That must be especially true for you, considering what has gone down over these years.  It's not an accusation - it is just that I cannot for the life of me see any other explanation for everything I have been put through.
But let's address some things first...
Firstly, there is no 'dark passenger' in me.  There never was - there was only the gulf of sadness, fear, and despair that was caused by my deepest, darkest fear becoming a reality, a reality that took a LOT of effort - more effort than was ever put into the positive aspects of our relationship.  I was very specific and honest to a fault during our courtship, and I still am.  I am still that person, and deep down, I think the person that I met still lives in you.
