This is likely the most uncomfortable blog entry I will ever have to write, for it concerns matters and issues that are deeply, deeply personal to me, things I have never had the courage to confront until now.  It's a long entry, and I ask patience from those of you I have invited to read this.
To all the people I have known, to every single person in my personal life, or the lives of those close to them, to every person I have ever brought hurt, ever intimidated with my intensity or personality, to every single one that I have ever been responsible for bringing negative feelings into their lives, to every one of them, I offer my most humble, my most profound, and my deepest apologies.  I must go further than that; as part of a healing process begun in me by the love of my life, I must offer a history, an explanation for why, and I humbly ask for your patience, and for your time, to read this. It will do nothing to lessen what I have done to others, but may offer a better perspective on the underlying cause, and a better, clearer understanding of how our lives are shaped and affected by our experiences, and may even help others who have suffered similar experiences and symptoms.
I say symptoms, because I can finally admit that I suffer from issues caused by my past, by my upbringing and environment, and realize for the first time, how much pain and misery those symptoms have been responsible for, not only in myself, but in all those that have known me.  I want to give all those who have been affected by these issues the facts surrounding them, so that they can understand more fully the person they know, or knew.
I am not a bad person.  I am not a mean person.  I do not lie, or cheat on those I love.  I value honesty, truth, and love above all things.  I believe in the innocence and beauty of childhood.  I believe in the virtuous heart, and in true love.  I believe that all people can become better than what they are now, if they only want it bad enough.  Deep down, I believe in the goodness of humanity, and believe we are all born innocent; it is only through heartless times, cruelty, and poisoned environments, that we become less than what we could be, and in some cases, become monsters.
As far as environment, I was raised in one that was extremely toxic.  The source of this began many years ago, when my grandmother was but an infant.  Due to factors beyond her control, she was treated to nothing but disdain as a child, to bitterness and harsh, severely painful punishment and abuse, and at some point, something broke inside her.  This led to her having to live with severe psychological disorders.  Most likely, she would have been diagnosed as Histrionic, and suffering from Borderline-Personality Disorder, and possibly several others.  She was incredibly violent, prone to episodes of delusion and disassociation, and did all she could to infect everyone around her with bitterness, despair, and pain.  This in turn affected every single member of our family to come from her, in her four children, their children, and their children's children.  In three generations, every member of that branch of our family tree, has been affected to a great degree by those disorders.  In three generations, we have only had a single member remain married to their first partner.  Most have tried, unsuccessfully, to maintain personal relationships, and they all live in a world of depression, despair, and misery.  Three generations of suffering have sprung from one source, and no one has been spared.  The worst thing about this is, not only were these people afflicted with things that they did not deserve, but were prevented from seeking any kind of help; my grandmother had a severe matriarchal complex, and could not let anyone admit that they had a problem.  It would reflect badly on her, and such things were never allowed, which I believe is symptomatic of the above described conditions.  I had more than one opportunity as a child to be treated, to stop the darkness from taking such a strong hold on me, but my grandmother actively prevented me from seeking, or receiving, such help, including going so far as to threaten the schools I attended with lawsuit when I was seen by the school psychologist, or even a guidance counselor.  At one point in my life, when I was older, and a single parent, I attempted to remove myself from that environment, not only for my sake, but for the sake of my children, and upon learning this, she went so far as to threaten me with arrest on charges of child molestation should I attempt it.  I remember her exact words to me: "If you ever, EVER, try to leave, I will have you arrested as a child molester, and you will never see your children again."  When I protested that she could never make such a ridiculous charge stick, she replied, "who do you think they would believe? You, or your grandfather? I'll make him say whatever I want, and with his position, who do you think they would believe?"  This is the extent to which that dark side of her, something that has been passed onto every member of my family, will do to protect itself.  My grandfather was a noble man, but his one weakness was that his wife could dominate him, make him believe, and do, anything she desired.  He was widely respected in legal circles, knew every judge in every court on a first name basis, and was called upon as an expert witness as part of his career.  Against such a threat, what is a twenty-two year old to do?  They were both trained investigators, and had the means to know every move I made.  Every phone conversation in my house, the entire time I lived with them was recorded, every movement monitored.  Both my brother and I were often followed, both by my grandparents, and by trained private investigators, our day to day lives scrutinized, and any attempt we made to grow as human beings, to become strong, or confident, or independent, destroyed before it could take root.
Ask yourself, what hope does a young man have against such things?
This is not an excuse, but merely an attempt to show how much we, as children, and later, adults, suffered, the enormity of just how difficult it was to try to do anything that would result in us shaking free of the toxic feelings and environment we were being poisoned with.  Both my grandmother and my mother were afflicted, and they continued (and still continue) to give a concentrated dose of that darkness to all around them at every opportunity.  Unlike some, I have had that source maintain a presence in my life for almost all my days.
As a result, I grew up with absolutely no real sense of confidence, absolutely no sense of worth or value as a human being, or even a clue as how to attain those things.  As an artistic, empathetic, emotional being, I could not face this, and the pain it brought, and constructed a false front that was so convincing, it fooled even me.  I wanted people to think I was invulnerable to pain, to insult, and wanted to project that in a way that would ensure I never had to worry about being hurt again, and I did it so well, that I allowed it to build an almost impenetrable shield around the real Michael Vain.  That person was still in there, and on all those occasions, those occasions where I was cruel, where I projected that aura of intimidation and intensity, it would speak up, would try to prevent me from doing what that part of me, the vital, feeling part, knew was not right. So many times, I ignored that voice.  I allowed that part of me to continue unchecked, and made decisions that did nothing but protect that darkness, rather than shine light on it.
Occasionally, I got it right, and did listen to what it had to say.  In my twenties, I met a very nice young girl when I owned my comic book store (I'm not going to name names; she knows who she is) and though there was an attraction between us, I knew that for us to be any closer than we were would only end in disaster.  Not only because of my condition, but because that inner part of me has always been more connected to the source, more connected to the Universe, than any other part of me, and it knew that we were meant to only be friends.  If that person is reading this, they may remember me saying, "Yes, I understand that there is this attraction, but for me to cross that line would be wrong for both of us."  I did not say this to her for any other reason, than I was acting on the part of me that was untainted, that one little part of me that I managed to hide from that darkness, and allowed it to speak through it for the sake of sparing greater pain to all involved.  It was one of the few times in my life that I have managed to clear that darkness away, to speak and act only with that part of me.  That emotional part, the part of me hidden behind all the rest, has never lied to me, and has never been wrong in its assessment, in its connection, to myself, my future, and of the feelings and lives of those around me.  In every case where I did not listen to that voice, on every single occasion where I allowed myself to think 'I know what I am doing', and acted from that shell, that place of intensity, I found that I was wrong.
Although I knew I suffered from something dark, something that was not right, I allowed it to continue, and for that, I am deeply sorry to every one of you reading this.  It was the easier way, the way that felt safe after so many years of being ingrained as the only real option, and it did nothing but allow me to remain in suffering, and bring it to others in some shape or form, whether it be from breaking their heart, to being an asshole when I didn't get good customer service from MacDonald's.
But as is so often the case in the world, there is a greater purpose for everything.  To those who believe in God, they know and believe He intervenes in the lives of those who most need him.  For those who believe and know that there are greater forces at work than we can understand, know that these forces can come together in the same way, when the time and the need are right.  In my case, it took the form of meeting the one person that could help me, the one person who could see me as I was and not be afraid, and who could not only set me on the path to healing, but provide me with those things I felt had been missing from all of my life until that moment, the most incredible woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  This is not an insult to those I have known, or have known, but merely a statement of truth, not meant to diminish in any way anyone else, but is no less true.  This woman and I met under circumstances that I will not detail here, save to say that it defies explanation, and cannot be trivialized, or put down to random chance, and can only be described as Divine Intervention.  In the time after we met, I was allowed to see my life through the eyes of that inner, better me, to see what life could be like for myself without my dark passenger, and to experience life and love to a degree that I always wished for, but could not believe existed.  We discovered things about each other that astounded us, amazed us, for every facet of our being was mirrored in the other.  This was both incredibly wonderful, and at the same time sad, for we also mirrored the dark things within ourselves.  Everything about us is alike, or so similar that it might as well be called such, down to how we perceive the world.  True, she was much better at expressing herself emotionally than I was, as she was younger and not exposed to the sources of the darkness for as long, but it existed in equal proportion within us.  At that point, we should have seen that we needed to help each other, and gone together into counseling or therapy, so that we might enjoy the benefits and honored the opportunity we were being presented with, but we did not; in our ignorance, we thought all we needed to be happy was each other.  This is an illusion; such darkness will not go away on its own.  Whether it be a psychological disorder, a mental illness, or a spiritual cancer, it will not cure itself, and though the light from another may cause it to fade for awhile, the shadows will always linger, and eventually will grow stronger.  Because of this person, I finally found the inspiration, the strength, the conviction, and the means to begin healing.  I am writing this as part of that process, to tell all of you the nature of my affliction, to apologize for any and all affects the symptoms of that affliction has caused, and to implore anyone else suffering from depression, or any other disorder or affliction, to seek help.  We are given opportunities, some subtle, some, as in my case, the equivalent of a slap upside the head by the universe itself, to take a path that can lead to a better life, a permanent remission, if not an outright cure, to those afflictions, that can last the rest of our lives, and make them more meaningful, more real, than we could ever believe.  Do whatever it takes, but listen to those clues, listen to that voice inside if it ever says 'you may need help'. Seek out those qualified to help you in those times where you need it most.  Do not hide it, or be ashamed; there are forces out there greater than ourselves, and if it speaks to you that need to be healed, that you are suffering, then listen to it, submit to it.  Do not fight it, or cover it up with darkness, or anger, or even indifference.  Do not allow that affliction to masquerade as truth.  This may mean taking what appears to be, and in many cases is, the harder path, but that is the only way we can heal, and is often the one thing we need to be able have the peace, the love, and the life, we desire. We all, as human beings, deserve better of ourselves than to take the easy path, for we can, and do, deserve the rewards that lie upon that path, for they will always be greater, and more meaningful to our lives, than that which we achieve at no cost.
I truly believe that everything happens in our lives for a reason, and the test for us is to see the reasoning, the mechanism or power behind the events, even if the events themselves are painful, even if they rip our heart out, and accept that pain as a necessary part of healing and growth.  It all has a purpose, and if we surrender to that purpose, then we will be given a life that would be unattainable otherwise. I have surrendered myself to that greater will, and in doing so, have come to see with a scale and clarity I have never imagined possible, and have finally begun the process of being healed of this affliction.  With that, has come an understanding of the effects, large and small, that I have had on others, and the deeper part of me, that part that was never lied to me, compels me to reach out to all of you, with the hope that you will see me for what I really am, and to accept my sorrow and regret, my deepest apologies, for allowing that dark part of me to ever affect any of you.  I will do whatever the Universe desires of me to heal, and to make up for the pain I have caused others in my life. I am not yet sure where that will lead me, but I do know that the universe will reward us, if we only allow ourselves to earn it.
  

Thank you for reading.

~Michael Vain
July 20, 2012