(319,2,'2018-04-19 07:54:07','2018-04-19 11:54:07','Back when we met, I was terrified of one thing - of falling in love, of giving my all, only to wind up alone, heartbroken, writing letters...like I am right now.  I told you all my fears, and though part of me was extremely attracted to you (and still is), I gave you all the logical reasons we should not be together back then. You argued against them all (\"That\'s all well and good, but I\'m going to pursue you anyway\"  Ring a bell?) you wore down my resistance, and over the course of the next few months, I found myself falling in love with this creative, beautiful woman on the other end of my webcam.  We got married, and have a child together.\r\nAnd now, I\'m living through the greatest fear of my life, and for what?  Why?  When I see all the things you\'ve said and done, when I measure them against the things you blame me for...well..the scales are nowhere near even.  I have forgiven you for so many things, for all the cheating and the lies, for all the effort you went through to try and make me stop loving you, so your actions would be justified...all of it.  I get nothing in return, despite the fact that for the last four years, all I\'ve really tried to do was make things better for us and our little girl.\r\nBut what if we could have the life we originally wanted together?  I keep asking myself that.  I can\'t help it. I know you want to be happy.  So do I.  I want us to be happy together, and I think that with a little help, we could still be.\r\nI read the lyrics to your Song of the Day, and it occurred to me that most of the negative stuff you mention happened early on in our relationship. These past few years, I only brought up the past unwillingly, and only with the thought that I wanted things to be better.  I have forgiven you for so much...I wish you would do the same for me, because when I married you, I accepted any and all of your imperfections, and loved you unconditionally.\r\nI think you\'ve always blown things out of proportion.  You\'ve never had to hide from me.  I may have gotten upset at things, at you, but I always simply wanted to work them out and make sense of things.  You went into our relationship knowing everything about me.  You were even told by Kali exactly how far my temper would go - that I would never hit you, that I was intense, but in the end, it was all just venting - that I got over it fast and didn\'t hold it inside.  Hell, you\'ve hurt me physically more than I\'ve ever hurt you.  I think you try to justify things to yourself, and make excuses for a lot of your actions, and that you listen to others opinions way too much when it comes to our relationship.\r\nThink of all we have shared together in the time we have been together.  We have had incredible times, and many wonderful days together.  We have had mind-blowing sex, and taken amazing photographs, created beautiful works of art and made a unique, indescribable human being together.\r\nIn short, all these things show how we are meant to be together.  We say the same things at the same time, and you even admitted how it seemed we were two halves of a whole.  We were not meant to be \'friends\'.  We were meant to be an amazing couple, and go through life together.\r\nI think your childhood has played a large part in how you have reacted to life - especially when it comes to me, and even your other relationships.  You\'ve said as much yourself, in your written piece that you gave me to read when we met.  I think it makes you afraid to commit to someone, because deep down, you don\'t want to be put in the closet, or treated like you don\'t matter, or end up feeling like I do now.\r\nBut you matter to me.  You are everything to me.  Do you know I can\'t even go to sleep now without pretending that you are next to me?  Sometimes, it even feels like you are still pressed up to me, and it\'s only then that I can finally sleep. I think you reinforce your own justification in your mind in the hopes that you can convince yourself you are right. \r\nBut when it comes to us, I don\'t think you are.  I think inside there is a part of you that knows how right we are together, and for whatever reason, you are scared to actually attain it.\r\nThat may sound harsh, but I\'ve always been truthful with you, and I don\'t say it because I want to hurt you.  I say it because I believe it to be true.\r\nYou have a man who would never leave you. You say I put you down, but you seem to forget all the times I have said how talented you are, how smart, how beautiful a person you are, and not just to me.  I\'ve never given up on you, and adore you both inside and out.  I said I had won the girlfriend/wife lottery, and I meant it.  I wouldn\'t have married you, or had a baby with you, if I didn\'t believe that to the depth of my soul.  You are precious to me, and never once have I considered you disposable, or regretted giving my heart to you.  Period.\r\nThe \'honeymoon feeling\' has never left me.  My heart aches for you, and I cry every day missing you.  We had finally gotten to a point where we could build on something, and I was finally, after all those years with Kali, getting to where I had always wanted to be in my life, and then it all got thrown away.  It wasn\'t the best house, but I liked it, and I loved how Savannah liked her room, and how she was always happiest when we were both there with her.  I think the Universe (fate, chance, whatever) brought us together for a reason, and I still believe that.\r\nThe only thing holding us back, has been doubt, and fear.  Maybe you didn\'t understand what having a committed relationship entailed, and things got too serious for you in your life.  I went through a similar time, back when I found myself with two little girls that I had to raise, but I got over it, and in the end it was the right thing to do.\r\nI think it\'s easier for you now, but life isn\'t about easy - it\'s about doing what we can when its required of us, and gaining the rewards of our efforts in the process.  Yes, we had to share our incomes and plan our day around each other, and deal with little things about each other that weren\'t perfect. I accept those things, because having you, and Savannah, meant so much more than those trivial things.  They became endearments, rather than irritants.\r\nI wanted, and still want, all the bullshit of our lives to go away, and was working hard to give us a place together.  I don\'t regret that.  I never held anything against you, and I don\'t want to now.  But this whole episode is just more of that - more drama and heartache, and in the end could end up hurting more than one person.  I really wish you could see that our lives are more than just our lives, and that we are sometimes here for more than just ourselves.  I believe I am here so that my children could have a better life, and so that I could meet you, and be there for you.  I believe that by accepting that, I can finally have what was missing in my life all these years, and that if you only let it happen, that I could be what has been missing in yours.\r\nI wish you would open your heart to me again, and that we could re-new our vows and go forward in life as if this never happened.  I would do everything I could to make you happy.  You know I would.  You have said to me several times how perfect I was for you, how I was \'your Michael\' (you should just marry me, you have the perfect..you know, things like that)  I don\'t want to believe those were all lies.  I think you knew they were true then, and they could be true now.\r\nFor good or ill, we have become part of each others lives, and I want both our lives to have meaning, together.  I don\'t want us to grow apart.  You know I never have.  Anything I\'ve ever had to say to you that was negative, every argument we ever had, hurt me to the core.  It doesn\'t have to be that way.  We could use what has happened to make ourselves stronger together, if only you would forgive me like I have forgiven you.  I don\'t want a divorce.  I want my wife. I want my child.  I want a little home together, and even if I never became a famous writer or artist, I don\'t care.  I just want to be with my wife and daughter.\r\nPlease think about it. I never, ever, stop thinking about you and Savannah.  I spent time memorizing the exact texture of your hair, your skin.  I memorized your little moles and the color of your eyes, and your smile lights me up like wildfire.  Please don\'t throw away the years we spent together. Think of all the good we had - with even a little effort, our days could be filled with more of them.\r\nI will love you forever, because i am...\r\n\r\nYour Michael\r\n\r\n','More Than Friends','','private','closed','closed','','more-than-friends','','','2018-05-13 18:21:38','2018-05-13 22:21:38','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=319',0,'post','',0),(320,2,'2018-04-19 07:54:07','2018-04-19 11:54:07','Back when we met, I was terrified of one thing - of falling in love, of giving my all, only to wind up alone, heartbroken, writing letters...like I am right now.  I told you all my fears, and though part of me was extremely attracted to you (and still is), I gave you all the logical reasons we should not be together back then. You argued against them all (\"That\'s all well and good, but I\'m going to pursue you anyway\"  Ring a bell?) you wore down my resistance, and over the course of the next few months, I found myself falling in love with this creative, beautiful woman on the other end of my webcam.  We got married, and have a child together.\r\nAnd now, I\'m living through the greatest fear of my life, and for what?  Why?  When I see all the things you\'ve said and done, when I measure them against the things you blame me for...well..the scales are nowhere near even.  I have forgiven you for so many things, for all the cheating and the lies, for all the effort you went through to try and make me stop loving you, so your actions would be justified...all of it.  I get nothing in return, despite the fact that for the last four years, all I\'ve really tried to do was make things better for us and our little girl.\r\nBut what if we could have the life we originally wanted together?  I keep asking myself that.  I can\'t help it. I know you want to be happy.  So do I.  I want us to be happy together, and I think that with a little help, we could still be.\r\nI read the lyrics to your Song of the Day, and it occurred to me that most of the negative stuff you mention happened early on in our relationship. These past few years, I only brought up the past unwillingly, and only with the thought that I wanted things to be better.  I have forgiven you for so much...I wish you would do the same for me, because when I married you, I accepted any and all of your imperfections, and loved you unconditionally.\r\nI think you\'ve always blown things out of proportion.  You\'ve never had to hide from me.  I may have gotten upset at things, at you, but I always simply wanted to work them out and make sense of things.  You went into our relationship knowing everything about me.  You were even told by Kali exactly how far my temper would go - that I would never hit you, that I was intense, but in the end, it was all just venting - that I got over it fast and didn\'t hold it inside.  Hell, you\'ve hurt me physically more than I\'ve ever hurt you.  I think you try to justify things to yourself, and make excuses for a lot of your actions, and that you listen to others opinions way too much when it comes to our relationship.\r\nThink of all we have shared together in the time we have been together.  We have had incredible times, and many wonderful days together.  We have had mind-blowing sex, and taken amazing photographs, created beautiful works of art and made a unique, indescribable human being together.\r\nIn short, all these things show how we are meant to be together.  We say the same things at the same time, and you even admitted how it seemed we were two halves of a whole.  We were not meant to be \'friends\'.  We were meant to be an amazing couple, and go through life together.\r\nI think your childhood has played a large part in how you have reacted to life - especially when it comes to me, and even your other relationships.  You\'ve said as much yourself, in your written piece that you gave me to read when we met.  I think it makes you afraid to commit to someone, because deep down, you don\'t want to be put in the closet, or treated like you don\'t matter, or end up feeling like I do now.\r\nBut you matter to me.  You are everything to me.  Do you know I can\'t even go to sleep now without pretending that you are next to me?  Sometimes, it even feels like you are still pressed up to me, and it\'s only then that I can finally sleep. I think you reinforce your own justification in your mind in the hopes that you can convince yourself you are right. \r\nBut when it comes to us, I don\'t think you are.  I think inside there is a part of you that knows how right we are together, and for whatever reason, you are scared to actually attain it.\r\nThat may sound harsh, but I\'ve always been truthful with you, and I don\'t say it because I want to hurt you.  I say it because I believe it to be true.\r\nYou have a man who would never leave you. You say I put you down, but you seem to forget all the times I have said how talented you are, how smart, how beautiful a person you are, and not just to me.  I\'ve never given up on you, and adore you both inside and out.  I said I had won the girlfriend/wife lottery, and I meant it.  I wouldn\'t have married you, or had a baby with you, if I didn\'t believe that to the depth of my soul.  You are precious to me, and never once have I considered you disposable, or regretted giving my heart to you.  Period.\r\nThe \'honeymoon feeling\' has never left me.  My heart aches for you, and I cry every day missing you.  We had finally gotten to a point where we could build on something, and I was finally, after all those years with Kali, getting to where I had always wanted to be in my life, and then it all got thrown away.  It wasn\'t the best house, but I liked it, and I loved how Savannah liked her room, and how she was always happiest when we were both there with her.  I think the Universe (fate, chance, whatever) brought us together for a reason, and I still believe that.\r\nThe only thing holding us back, has been doubt, and fear.  Maybe you didn\'t understand what having a committed relationship entailed, and things got too serious for you in your life.  I went through a similar time, back when I found myself with two little girls that I had to raise, but I got over it, and in the end it was the right thing to do.\r\nI think it\'s easier for you now, but life isn\'t about easy - it\'s about doing what we can when its required of us, and gaining the rewards of our efforts in the process.  Yes, we had to share our incomes and plan our day around each other, and deal with little things about each other that weren\'t perfect. I accept those things, because having you, and Savannah, meant so much more than those trivial things.  They became endearments, rather than irritants.\r\nI wanted, and still want, all the bullshit of our lives to go away, and was working hard to give us a place together.  I don\'t regret that.  I never held anything against you, and I don\'t want to now.  But this whole episode is just more of that - more drama and heartache, and in the end could end up hurting more than one person.  I really wish you could see that our lives are more than just our lives, and that we are sometimes here for more than just ourselves.  I believe I am here so that my children could have a better life, and so that I could meet you, and be there for you.  I believe that by accepting that, I can finally have what was missing in my life all these years, and that if you only let it happen, that I could be what has been missing in yours.\r\nI wish you would open your heart to me again, and that we could re-new our vows and go forward in life as if this never happened.  I would do everything I could to make you happy.  You know I would.  You have said to me several times how perfect I was for you, how I was \'your Michael\' (you should just marry me, you have the perfect..you know, things like that)  I don\'t want to believe those were all lies.  I think you knew they were true then, and they could be true now.\r\nFor good or ill, we have become part of each others lives, and I want both our lives to have meaning, together.  I don\'t want us to grow apart.  You know I never have.  Anything I\'ve ever had to say to you that was negative, every argument we ever had, hurt me to the core.  It doesn\'t have to be that way.  We could use what has happened to make ourselves stronger together, if only you would forgive me like I have forgiven you.  I don\'t want a divorce.  I want my wife. I want my child.  I want a little home together, and even if I never became a famous writer or artist, I don\'t care.  I just want to be with my wife and daughter.\r\nPlease think about it. I never, ever, stop thinking about you and Savannah.  I spent time memorizing the exact texture of your hair, your skin.  I memorized your little moles and the color of your eyes, and your smile lights me up like wildfire.  Please don\'t throw away the years we spent together. Think of all the good we had - with even a little effort, our days could be filled with more of them.\r\nI will love you forever, because i am...\r\n\r\nYour Michael\r\n\r\n','More Than Friends','','inherit','closed','closed','','319-revision-v1','','','2018-04-19 07:54:07','2018-04-19 11:54:07','',319,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=320',0,'revision','',0),(333,2,'2018-05-14 23:54:51','2018-05-15 03:54:51','{\n    \"dark-child-of-twenty-twelve::header_textcolor\": {\n        \"value\": \"blank\",\n        \"type\": \"theme_mod\",\n        \"user_id\": 2\n    }\n}','','','trash','closed','closed','','100b1a14-7d8e-4bcd-8ece-10b57dd39af4','','','2018-05-14 23:54:51','2018-05-15 03:54:51','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=333',0,'customize_changeset','',0),(334,2,'2018-05-14 23:55:30','2018-05-15 03:55:30','{\n    \"dark-child-of-twenty-twelve::header_textcolor\": {\n        \"value\": \"\",\n        \"type\": \"theme_mod\",\n        \"user_id\": 2\n    }\n}','','','trash','closed','closed','','78ccc210-6e37-4abe-a859-3e586d62be91','','','2018-05-14 23:55:30','2018-05-15 03:55:30','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=334',0,'customize_changeset','',0),(322,2,'2018-04-27 21:54:44','2018-04-28 01:54:44','My Dearest Michelle\r\n\r\nDespite everything that has happened, I still miss you every moment of every day.  I know you don\'t want to hear how much I love you, but I am hoping you will read this anyway.\r\nI spend most of my day thinking about you and Savannah, playing memories through my mind of all the things, large and small, that made me happy with you two in my life, such as the feeling I had when I finally stepped through the door at the end of the day, my hello hug and having my daughter run to me.  I often play through all our sessions together when we met, our time on webcam, the messages you sent to me on DA.  All of it.  I remember how happy you were that day, and all I\'ve ever wanted is to be able to make you that happy every day.  You touched my heart in a way no human being ever has.  My children do that too, but it\'s different.  I actually felt complete with you, which is why I would get so frustrated when you pulled away from me.  How many men would have done what I have done to keep you?  I hope you understand that I did these things because your presence in my life, as my wife, was more than worth it.  Your husband has always regarded meeting you as a cosmic-level event, the kind that most people could never understand or appreciate.  I know there may have been times where it didn\'t look that way, times where I said things that hurt you, but I always felt that way.  I learned my lesson back then, and the only thing I really had to say that was negative the last few years were all about the cheating.  Think about how much it hurt me, a man who looked at you as being almost mystical, a man who had done so much to show how much he loved you.  I think you hold those older things against me unjustly, considering how many times I forgave you, tried to build a life with you.  I wish you would let them go, and concentrate instead on all the good times and moments we shared.  I loved so many little details about you, and although I cherish all those memories, there are not enough.  I would love to share those little things together once more.\r\nI loved our little life. It felt nice to rub your back while we watched videos, looked forward to my time with you both every day.  I worked hard to maintain a home, tried my best to do whatever I could to make you happy.  Your smile was my inspiration and lifted my spirit, and I have always been proud of you, regardless of what you may think.\r\nRemember when we took Savannah to the beach, and she ran around naked all day?  It was a wonderful day, and I felt so at peace.  I loved looking at you, on the beach, while you slept, or at other random times.  You are my Muse, and you always will be.  Regardless of anything negative, you also made me feel better,  more alive, more in love, than anything I\'ve ever experienced, or ever could.\r\nYou are everything I\'ve ever looked for, and you gave us a beautiful daughter. I think it would be a shame for her to grow up without both of us in her daily life.  I may not be perfect, but I am truly in love with you, and promised never to give up on you.\r\nI still haven\'t.  I never will.\r\nMy heart will always be yours.\r\n\r\nI am forever,\r\nYour Michael','Missing You','','private','closed','closed','','missing-you','','','2018-05-13 18:21:10','2018-05-13 22:21:10','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=322',0,'post','',0),(323,2,'2018-04-27 21:54:44','2018-04-28 01:54:44','My Dearest Michelle\r\n\r\nDespite everything that has happened, I still miss you every moment of every day.  I know you don\'t want to hear how much I love you, but I am hoping you will read this anyway.\r\nI spend most of my day thinking about you and Savannah, playing memories through my mind of all the things, large and small, that made me happy with you two in my life, such as the feeling I had when I finally stepped through the door at the end of the day, my hello hug and having my daughter run to me.  I often play through all our sessions together when we met, our time on webcam, the messages you sent to me on DA.  All of it.  I remember how happy you were that day, and all I\'ve ever wanted is to be able to make you that happy every day.  You touched my heart in a way no human being ever has.  My children do that too, but it\'s different.  I actually felt complete with you, which is why I would get so frustrated when you pulled away from me.  How many men would have done what I have done to keep you?  I hope you understand that I did these things because your presence in my life, as my wife, was more than worth it.  Your husband has always regarded meeting you as a cosmic-level event, the kind that most people could never understand or appreciate.  I know there may have been times where it didn\'t look that way, times where I said things that hurt you, but I always felt that way.  I learned my lesson back then, and the only thing I really had to say that was negative the last few years were all about the cheating.  Think about how much it hurt me, a man who looked at you as being almost mystical, a man who had done so much to show how much he loved you.  I think you hold those older things against me unjustly, considering how many times I forgave you, tried to build a life with you.  I wish you would let them go, and concentrate instead on all the good times and moments we shared.  I loved so many little details about you, and although I cherish all those memories, there are not enough.  I would love to share those little things together once more.\r\nI loved our little life. It felt nice to rub your back while we watched videos, looked forward to my time with you both every day.  I worked hard to maintain a home, tried my best to do whatever I could to make you happy.  Your smile was my inspiration and lifted my spirit, and I have always been proud of you, regardless of what you may think.\r\nRemember when we took Savannah to the beach, and she ran around naked all day?  It was a wonderful day, and I felt so at peace.  I loved looking at you, on the beach, while you slept, or at other random times.  You are my Muse, and you always will be.  Regardless of anything negative, you also made me feel better,  more alive, more in love, than anything I\'ve ever experienced, or ever could.\r\nYou are everything I\'ve ever looked for, and you gave us a beautiful daughter. I think it would be a shame for her to grow up without both of us in her daily life.  I may not be perfect, but I am truly in love with you, and promised never to give up on you.\r\nI still haven\'t.  I never will.\r\nMy heart will always be yours.\r\n\r\nI am forever,\r\nYour Michael','Missing You','','inherit','closed','closed','','322-revision-v1','','','2018-04-27 21:54:44','2018-04-28 01:54:44','',322,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=323',0,'revision','',0),(325,2,'2018-05-04 11:05:49','2018-05-04 15:05:49','{\n    \"old_sidebars_widgets_data\": {\n        \"value\": {\n            \"wp_inactive_widgets\": [\n                \"recent-comments-3\",\n                \"recent-comments-4\",\n                \"recent-comments-2\"\n            ],\n            \"primary-widget-area\": [\n                \"search-2\",\n                \"calendar-2\",\n                \"meta-2\",\n                \"recent-posts-2\",\n                \"archives-2\",\n                \"categories-2\",\n                \"tag_cloud-2\"\n            ],\n            \"secondary-widget-area\": [],\n            \"first-footer-widget-area\": [],\n            \"second-footer-widget-area\": [],\n            \"third-footer-widget-area\": [],\n            \"fourth-footer-widget-area\": null\n        },\n        \"type\": \"global_variable\",\n        \"user_id\": 2\n    }\n}','','','trash','closed','closed','','37e2f045-ae6c-4df3-881a-08cb2f0cd8e2','','','2018-05-04 11:05:49','2018-05-04 15:05:49','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=325',0,'customize_changeset','',0),(326,2,'2018-05-04 11:07:51','2018-05-04 15:07:51','{\n    \"show_on_front\": {\n        \"value\": \"page\",\n        \"type\": \"option\",\n        \"user_id\": 2\n    },\n    \"old_sidebars_widgets_data\": {\n        \"value\": {\n            \"wp_inactive_widgets\": [\n                \"recent-comments-3\",\n                \"recent-comments-4\",\n                \"recent-comments-2\"\n            ],\n            \"primary-widget-area\": [\n                \"search-2\",\n                \"calendar-2\",\n                \"meta-2\",\n                \"recent-posts-2\",\n                \"archives-2\",\n                \"categories-2\",\n                \"tag_cloud-2\"\n            ],\n            \"secondary-widget-area\": [],\n            \"first-footer-widget-area\": [],\n            \"second-footer-widget-area\": [],\n            \"third-footer-widget-area\": [],\n            \"fourth-footer-widget-area\": null\n        },\n        \"type\": \"global_variable\",\n        \"user_id\": 2\n    }\n}','','','trash','closed','closed','','0f8de470-4e82-4ee5-9564-88419bfdf633','','','2018-05-04 11:07:51','2018-05-04 15:07:51','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=326',0,'customize_changeset','',0),(342,2,'2018-05-23 09:52:28','0000-00-00 00:00:00','','Auto Draft','','auto-draft','closed','closed','','','','','2018-05-23 09:52:28','0000-00-00 00:00:00','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=342',0,'post','',0),(329,2,'2018-05-06 11:51:34','2018-05-06 15:51:34','Dear Michelle,\r\n\r\nI can\'t help but think you post your status to show how happy you are as something of a jab at me.  All I ever wanted, and worked my ass off for, was to be able to have those kinds of moments with you and Savannah.  My job wasn\'t something I would ever have pursued on my own - I did it so you and Savannah could have your own place and we could be a family without you having to work even full time.  Everything I did, I did to make you two happy, and that made me happy.\r\nIt was the only happiness I had.\r\nYou and Savannah.  You were my world.\r\nI\'ve always thought, throughout our time together, that you would someday be able to see how much I loved you - that it was a question of you not being sure.  So, I worked harder to try and show you how much you and Savannah meant to me. I defied all the negative things you said to and about me - I got a steady job, and stuck with it.  I got us a house, one that I actually really liked, to be honest, and so did Savannah.\r\nAll that got taken from me, and why?  Because I got upset at how I was being treated?  I just don\'t get it, and it saddens me beyond belief that you would treat me this way, when all I\'ve ever wanted was to share those kinds of moments with you both, and did so much, worked so hard, to be able to earn it.  I never regretted it, and did my best to move forward after all we had been through.  I think I deserved at least a chance to make things better, and was again was just beginning to feel that feeling of hope when everything changed.\r\nI have always loved you so much.  I wish you didn\'t feel the need to hurt me over the years like you have.  I\'m not angry about it - I\'m just so incredibly sad.   I would do so much to have you in my life, have done so much, and yet you act like you hate me. I know we\'ve had some hard times - most couples do at some point in their lives - both financially and emotionally, but they\'ve been things that we can change if we worked together.  None of what we have had happen in our relationship has really been worth ending it over.  Not when I look back at how far we have already come.  Why break things up just when they were looking promising?  I just don\'t understand that.  I\'ve never even wanted one bad day with you.  Ever.  I just wanted more moments of us together - you, me, and Savannah - those little moments that meant so much.\r\nWas it really terrible to have me touch you? To rub your back?  Was it terrible that I love watching you two on the beach, and playing with Savannah?  Did you feel resentment because I love to play with my daughter? Or that I love to touch you as you go to sleep, or to be held by you?  Why?  The longer we were together, the more I understood, and learned from you - I enjoyed that.  I love every little thing about you, and I just wish that was worth something.  I felt I had the perfect wife, and perfect little girl.\r\nI don\'t think I deserve to be hurt so much.  I wish you would open up to me like you did back in the day.  I wish I could make more happy memories with you.  I have so many favorites.  They were the best times of my life, and it makes me sadder than I can describe to think I may not have any more of them.\r\nSo, I\'ll cry and write another poem.\r\nI miss you.  I love you.  I never, ever, wanted to have you pull away from me, and just wanted us to be happy.  I\'d do just about anything for you both.\r\n\r\nNo matter how much it hurts, I will always be, \r\n\r\nYour Michael','Sadness','','private','closed','closed','','sadness','','','2018-05-13 18:20:27','2018-05-13 22:20:27','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=329',0,'post','',0),(330,2,'2018-05-06 11:51:34','2018-05-06 15:51:34','Dear Michelle,\r\n\r\nI can\'t help but think you post your status to show how happy you are as something of a jab at me.  All I ever wanted, and worked my ass off for, was to be able to have those kinds of moments with you and Savannah.  My job wasn\'t something I would ever have pursued on my own - I did it so you and Savannah could have your own place and we could be a family without you having to work even full time.  Everything I did, I did to make you two happy, and that made me happy.\r\nIt was the only happiness I had.\r\nYou and Savannah.  You were my world.\r\nI\'ve always thought, throughout our time together, that you would someday be able to see how much I loved you - that it was a question of you not being sure.  So, I worked harder to try and show you how much you and Savannah meant to me. I defied all the negative things you said to and about me - I got a steady job, and stuck with it.  I got us a house, one that I actually really liked, to be honest, and so did Savannah.\r\nAll that got taken from me, and why?  Because I got upset at how I was being treated?  I just don\'t get it, and it saddens me beyond belief that you would treat me this way, when all I\'ve ever wanted was to share those kinds of moments with you both, and did so much, worked so hard, to be able to earn it.  I never regretted it, and did my best to move forward after all we had been through.  I think I deserved at least a chance to make things better, and was again was just beginning to feel that feeling of hope when everything changed.\r\nI have always loved you so much.  I wish you didn\'t feel the need to hurt me over the years like you have.  I\'m not angry about it - I\'m just so incredibly sad.   I would do so much to have you in my life, have done so much, and yet you act like you hate me. I know we\'ve had some hard times - most couples do at some point in their lives - both financially and emotionally, but they\'ve been things that we can change if we worked together.  None of what we have had happen in our relationship has really been worth ending it over.  Not when I look back at how far we have already come.  Why break things up just when they were looking promising?  I just don\'t understand that.  I\'ve never even wanted one bad day with you.  Ever.  I just wanted more moments of us together - you, me, and Savannah - those little moments that meant so much.\r\nWas it really terrible to have me touch you? To rub your back?  Was it terrible that I love watching you two on the beach, and playing with Savannah?  Did you feel resentment because I love to play with my daughter? Or that I love to touch you as you go to sleep, or to be held by you?  Why?  The longer we were together, the more I understood, and learned from you - I enjoyed that.  I love every little thing about you, and I just wish that was worth something.  I felt I had the perfect wife, and perfect little girl.\r\nI don\'t think I deserve to be hurt so much.  I wish you would open up to me like you did back in the day.  I wish I could make more happy memories with you.  I have so many favorites.  They were the best times of my life, and it makes me sadder than I can describe to think I may not have any more of them.\r\nSo, I\'ll cry and write another poem.\r\nI miss you.  I love you.  I never, ever, wanted to have you pull away from me, and just wanted us to be happy.  I\'d do just about anything for you both.','Sadness','','inherit','closed','closed','','329-revision-v1','','','2018-05-06 11:51:34','2018-05-06 15:51:34','',329,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=330',0,'revision','',0),(331,2,'2018-05-06 11:52:16','2018-05-06 15:52:16','Dear Michelle,\r\n\r\nI can\'t help but think you post your status to show how happy you are as something of a jab at me.  All I ever wanted, and worked my ass off for, was to be able to have those kinds of moments with you and Savannah.  My job wasn\'t something I would ever have pursued on my own - I did it so you and Savannah could have your own place and we could be a family without you having to work even full time.  Everything I did, I did to make you two happy, and that made me happy.\r\nIt was the only happiness I had.\r\nYou and Savannah.  You were my world.\r\nI\'ve always thought, throughout our time together, that you would someday be able to see how much I loved you - that it was a question of you not being sure.  So, I worked harder to try and show you how much you and Savannah meant to me. I defied all the negative things you said to and about me - I got a steady job, and stuck with it.  I got us a house, one that I actually really liked, to be honest, and so did Savannah.\r\nAll that got taken from me, and why?  Because I got upset at how I was being treated?  I just don\'t get it, and it saddens me beyond belief that you would treat me this way, when all I\'ve ever wanted was to share those kinds of moments with you both, and did so much, worked so hard, to be able to earn it.  I never regretted it, and did my best to move forward after all we had been through.  I think I deserved at least a chance to make things better, and was again was just beginning to feel that feeling of hope when everything changed.\r\nI have always loved you so much.  I wish you didn\'t feel the need to hurt me over the years like you have.  I\'m not angry about it - I\'m just so incredibly sad.   I would do so much to have you in my life, have done so much, and yet you act like you hate me. I know we\'ve had some hard times - most couples do at some point in their lives - both financially and emotionally, but they\'ve been things that we can change if we worked together.  None of what we have had happen in our relationship has really been worth ending it over.  Not when I look back at how far we have already come.  Why break things up just when they were looking promising?  I just don\'t understand that.  I\'ve never even wanted one bad day with you.  Ever.  I just wanted more moments of us together - you, me, and Savannah - those little moments that meant so much.\r\nWas it really terrible to have me touch you? To rub your back?  Was it terrible that I love watching you two on the beach, and playing with Savannah?  Did you feel resentment because I love to play with my daughter? Or that I love to touch you as you go to sleep, or to be held by you?  Why?  The longer we were together, the more I understood, and learned from you - I enjoyed that.  I love every little thing about you, and I just wish that was worth something.  I felt I had the perfect wife, and perfect little girl.\r\nI don\'t think I deserve to be hurt so much.  I wish you would open up to me like you did back in the day.  I wish I could make more happy memories with you.  I have so many favorites.  They were the best times of my life, and it makes me sadder than I can describe to think I may not have any more of them.\r\nSo, I\'ll cry and write another poem.\r\nI miss you.  I love you.  I never, ever, wanted to have you pull away from me, and just wanted us to be happy.  I\'d do just about anything for you both.\r\n\r\nNo matter how much it hurts, I will always be, \r\n\r\nYour Michael','Sadness','','inherit','closed','closed','','329-revision-v1','','','2018-05-06 11:52:16','2018-05-06 15:52:16','',329,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=331',0,'revision','',0),(335,2,'2018-05-20 13:11:43','2018-05-20 17:11:43','{\n    \"dark-child-of-twenty-twelve::header_textcolor\": {\n        \"value\": \"#ffffff\",\n        \"type\": \"theme_mod\",\n        \"user_id\": 2\n    }\n}','','','trash','closed','closed','','e89f1e9a-351c-4e66-a73b-794250d34d7d','','','2018-05-20 13:11:43','2018-05-20 17:11:43','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/e89f1e9a-351c-4e66-a73b-794250d34d7d/',0,'customize_changeset','',0),(336,2,'2018-05-20 16:54:18','2018-05-20 20:54:18','','Home','','publish','closed','closed','','home','','','2018-05-24 00:31:13','2018-05-24 04:31:13','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?page_id=336',0,'page','',0),(337,2,'2018-05-20 16:54:18','2018-05-20 20:54:18','','Home','','inherit','closed','closed','','336-revision-v1','','','2018-05-20 16:54:18','2018-05-20 20:54:18','',336,'http://michaelvain.net/news/336-revision-v1/',0,'revision','',0),(338,2,'2018-05-20 17:16:42','2018-05-20 21:16:42',' ','','','publish','closed','closed','','338','','','2018-05-24 00:47:25','2018-05-24 04:47:25','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=338',3,'nav_menu_item','',0),(339,2,'2018-05-20 17:17:47','2018-05-20 21:17:47','','Strange Events','','publish','closed','closed','','strange-events','','','2018-05-20 18:33:56','2018-05-20 22:33:56','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?page_id=339',0,'page','',0),(340,2,'2018-05-20 17:17:47','2018-05-20 21:17:47','','Strange Events','','inherit','closed','closed','','339-revision-v1','','','2018-05-20 17:17:47','2018-05-20 21:17:47','',339,'http://michaelvain.net/news/339-revision-v1/',0,'revision','',0),(341,2,'2018-05-20 17:18:58','2018-05-20 21:18:58',' ','','','publish','closed','closed','','341','','','2018-05-24 00:47:25','2018-05-24 04:47:25','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=341',5,'nav_menu_item','',0),(343,2,'2018-05-23 10:50:28','2018-05-23 14:50:28','Dear Michelle,\r\n\r\nI don\'t understand how you can speak of \'missed opportunities\'.  I lost my wife, my daughter, and my home in the space of minutes, got charged with a bogus charge that will cost me thousands of dollars, and forced me to give up the best place I\'ve lived in for years.  You took away my future, the one stable base I had been able to get after all the hard work I put in, as well as the opportunity to watch my daughter grow, and you\'re complaining about the camera?  That doesn\'t strike you as just a tad selfish?  I haven\'t been able to sleep right since you left.  I wake up every single day now in a panic attack.  Every.  Single. Day.  I cry in the car to and from work, every day, and break out into tears at random places and times.  I can\'t go anywhere, because I may just break down.\r\nAll because you wanted to have multiple relationships?  Because you blame the one man who has gone farther to show you his love than anyone?\r\nYou\'ve hurt me for years, thrown my love back in my face, after making that beautiful child with you.  What the hell did I ever do to deserve this?\r\nWhy?  For all the supposed things I did, I was never cruel to you.  Every time I tried to work something out, or get to the bottom of a situation, you would run away.  The whole \'scared of you\' schtick is just pure bullshit.  The very idea that I would hurt you or Savannah, the two most important, precious things in my life, that I busted my ass to take care of every day, is just ludicrous. You deny me every single thing I built my life around, and you complain about the fact that you forgot a camera?\r\nI mean that little to you?  I ask, because you mean everything to me.  Our lives were simple, and I did everything to give what you said you wanted, our own place and a simple happy life.  And this is what I got for all that effort. \r\nWhenever it was just us, you seemed to be happier - but get online and there\'s no end to the asshats that will badmouth our relationship for their own agendas (Oh, but they\'re your \'friends\', they couldn\'t possibly blah blah blah), and then the cycle starts anew.\r\nYou put so much energy into cheating, into lying, into destroying my world, and all I wanted was to make you two happy.  It\'s breaking my heart, Michelle.  I don\'t deserve this. Savannah doesn\'t deserve it either.  If you had put even a tenth of the effort into building our relationship, rather than breaking it, we could have been better off financially, and had a much happier time of our lives.  I never wanted any of this - all I ever wanted to do was spend my days with you and our little girl, and I can\'t even write this without breaking down in tears.\r\nSo, maybe you should think about that a bit.  How much I\'ve lost..how much I\'ve given just to have the privilege of waking up next to you, of being able to come home and have my daughter take my hand and want to play.  Think of all the heartache I\'ve had to suffer, knowing the woman I treasure above everything wants to treat me like some dog turd lying in the road.  There are no words for the suffering I\'ve been made to endure.  And after everything, I still do what I can, give you money and clothes for Savannah, and I don\'t even get a thank you? \r\nSomething is wrong with your heart if all you feel for me is resentment and hatred.  I never got aggravated without a solid reason, and all I ever wanted, was a tiny bit of effort.  Did I just ignore the effort you put in on the meals you made me?  No.  I raved about them, because I truly appreciated the thought and time and effort you put in, something I rarely ever got credit for.\r\nWe should be taking pictures of our daughter together.  We should be enjoying our time together as a family.  Everything that has happened, has happened as a result of your actions, not mine.  I never cheated, never lied, never complained to anyone about our relationship.  I did everything I could think of to make things better, and all I got were more and more reasons why things were \'bad\'.  I want to take pictures with you.  I want to take pictures OF you.  I want to see that look in your eyes like you had when you took a picture of yourself with that post-it note that said \'I love you Michael\' on it.  I can\'t even think of that now without crying harder.\r\nI wish you could see inside my heart.  I wish you could see how I truly am, and not the image you have built in your own mind to justify what has happened.  I wish I was worth something to you.  While you are lamenting not having a camera, I feel like I\'m dying inside. slowly, inch by inch. I\'ve been deprived of every single thing I worked for, everything I wanted, everything I loved.\r\nEverything.\r\nBut it\'s not too late.  You could change everything.  There would be no questions, no recriminations, no blame.  If you could just get past your own past, and give me the chance to make you both happy, then things could be better - would be better. If you would just admit to yourself that I\'m just a man who loves you, and who felt the natural frustration of working so hard in so many ways to make you happy and being slapped down for it. If you would ever work with me, rather than against me, if you treated me like I treated you, than we could have a really nice life together.  It\'s all I ever wanted, and if you just wanted it like I do, then there is no limit to what we could accomplish together.  I don\'t have any expectations writing this - I don\'t think anyone can change your viewpoint except you.  I only know it isn\'t true - I write the truth, and can look you in the eyes and say the same - I love you, and don\'t want to live in the past. I want us all to have a good future together.\r\nAll I do is miss you both - every second of every day.  It never goes away, never lessens in the slightest - it only grows.\r\nYou have the power to make it all better.  You can give Savannah her Daddy back, and together, we could watch her grow and share every moment of her life, make them as special as she deserves.\r\nI\'ve been through so much with you - I can only hope you won\'t give up on us completely.  I know we could have as much fun, and be as happy, as we were in the early days.  All you have to do, is want it.\r\nYou know where I am.  You know how to reach me.  You know how I feel, and I promise that were you to decide for us to be a family again, that I would not resent you in any way, or make you feel any guilt.  I just want us to be a family. \r\n\r\nForever, Your Michael \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n','Missed Opportunities','','private','closed','closed','','missed-opportunities','','','2018-05-23 22:06:33','2018-05-24 02:06:33','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=343',0,'post','',0),(344,2,'2018-05-23 10:50:28','2018-05-23 14:50:28','Dear Michelle,\r\n\r\nI don\'t understand how you can speak of \'missed opportunities\'.  I lost my wife, my daughter, and my home in the space of minutes, got charged with a bogus charge that will cost me thousands of dollars, and forced me to give up the best place I\'ve lived in for years.  You took away my future, the one stable base I had been able to get after all the hard work I put in, as well as the opportunity to watch my daughter grow, and you\'re complaining about the camera?  That doesn\'t strike you as just a tad selfish?  I haven\'t been able to sleep right since you left.  I wake up every single day now in a panic attack.  Every.  Single. Day.  I cry in the car to and from work, every day, and break out into tears at random places and times.  I can\'t go anywhere, because I may just break down.\r\nAll because you wanted to have multiple relationships?  Because you blame the one man who has gone farther to show you his love than anyone?\r\nYou\'ve hurt me for years, thrown my love back in my face, after making that beautiful child with you.  What the hell did I ever do to deserve this?\r\nWhy?  For all the supposed things I did, I was never cruel to you.  Every time I tried to work something out, or get to the bottom of a situation, you would run away.  The whole \'scared of you\' schtick is just pure bullshit.  The very idea that I would hurt you or Savannah, the two most important, precious things in my life, that I busted my ass to take care of every day, is just ludicrous. You deny me every single thing I built my life around, and you complain about the fact that you forgot a camera?\r\nI mean that little to you?  I ask, because you mean everything to me.  Our lives were simple, and I did everything to give what you said you wanted, our own place and a simple happy life.  And this is what I got for all that effort. \r\nWhenever it was just us, you seemed to be happier - but get online and there\'s no end to the asshats that will badmouth our relationship for their own agendas (Oh, but they\'re your \'friends\', they couldn\'t possibly blah blah blah), and then the cycle starts anew.\r\nYou put so much energy into cheating, into lying, into destroying my world, and all I wanted was to make you two happy.  It\'s breaking my heart, Michelle.  I don\'t deserve this. Savannah doesn\'t deserve it either.  If you had put even a tenth of the effort into building our relationship, rather than breaking it, we could have been better off financially, and had a much happier time of our lives.  I never wanted any of this - all I ever wanted to do was spend my days with you and our little girl, and I can\'t even write this without breaking down in tears.\r\nSo, maybe you should think about that a bit.  How much I\'ve lost..how much I\'ve given just to have the privilege of waking up next to you, of being able to come home and have my daughter take my hand and want to play.  Think of all the heartache I\'ve had to suffer, knowing the woman I treasure above everything wants to treat me like some dog turd lying in the road.  There are no words for the suffering I\'ve been made to endure.  And after everything, I still do what I can, give you money and clothes for Savannah, and I don\'t even get a thank you? \r\nSomething is wrong with your heart if all you feel for me is resentment and hatred.  I never got aggravated without a solid reason, and all I ever wanted, was a tiny bit of effort.  Did I just ignore the effort you put in on the meals you made me?  No.  I raved about them, because I truly appreciated the thought and time and effort you put in, something I rarely ever got credit for.\r\nWe should be taking pictures of our daughter together.  We should be enjoying our time together as a family.  Everything that has happened, has happened as a result of your actions, not mine.  I never cheated, never lied, never complained to anyone about our relationship.  I did everything I could think of to make things better, and all I got were more and more reasons why things were \'bad\'.  I want to take pictures with you.  I want to take pictures OF you.  I want to see that look in your eyes like you had when you took a picture of yourself with that post-it note that said \'I love you Michael\' on it.  I can\'t even think of that now without crying harder.\r\nI wish you could see inside my heart.  I wish you could see how I truly am, and not the image you have built in your own mind to justify what has happened.  I wish I was worth something to you.  While you are lamenting not having a camera, I feel like I\'m dying inside. slowly, inch by inch. I\'ve been deprived of every single thing I worked for, everything I wanted, everything I loved.\r\nEverything.\r\nBut it\'s not too late.  You could change everything.  There would be no questions, no recriminations, no blame.  If you could just get past your own past, and give me the chance to make you both happy, then things could be better - would be better. If you would just admit to yourself that I\'m just a man who loves you, and who felt the natural frustration of working so hard in so many ways to make you happy and being slapped down for it. If you would ever work with me, rather than against me, if you treated me like I treated you, than we could have a really nice life together.  It\'s all I ever wanted, and if you just wanted it like I do, then there is no limit to what we could accomplish together.  I don\'t have any expectations writing this - I don\'t think anyone can change your viewpoint except you.  I only know it isn\'t true - I write the truth, and can look you in the eyes and say the same - I love you, and don\'t want to live in the past. I want us all to have a good future together.\r\nAll I do is miss you both - every second of every day.  It never goes away, never lessens in the slightest - it only grows.\r\nYou have the power to make it all better.  You can give Savannah her Daddy back, and together, we could watch her grow and share every moment of her life, make them as special as she deserves.\r\nI\'ve been through so much with you - I can only hope you won\'t give up on us completely.  I know we could have as much fun, and be as happy, as we were in the early days.  All you have to do, is want it.\r\nYou know where I am.  You know how to reach me.  You know how I feel, and I promise that were you to decide for us to be a family again, that I would not resent you in any way, or make you feel any guilt.  I just want us to be a family. \r\n\r\nForever, Your Michael \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n','Missed Opportunities','','inherit','closed','closed','','343-revision-v1','','','2018-05-23 10:50:28','2018-05-23 14:50:28','',343,'http://michaelvain.net/news/343-revision-v1/',0,'revision','',0),(345,2,'2018-05-23 18:53:29','2018-05-23 22:53:29','','Blog','','publish','closed','closed','','blog','','','2018-05-24 00:47:25','2018-05-24 04:47:25','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=345',12,'nav_menu_item','',0),(346,2,'2018-05-23 19:01:38','2018-05-23 23:01:38','','Contact','','publish','closed','closed','','contact','','','2018-05-24 19:54:39','2018-05-24 23:54:39','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?page_id=346',0,'page','',0),(347,2,'2018-05-23 19:01:38','2018-05-23 23:01:38','','Contact','','inherit','closed','closed','','346-revision-v1','','','2018-05-23 19:01:38','2018-05-23 23:01:38','',346,'http://michaelvain.net/news/346-revision-v1/',0,'revision','',0),(348,2,'2018-05-23 19:01:57','2018-05-23 23:01:57',' ','','','publish','closed','closed','','348','','','2018-05-24 00:47:25','2018-05-24 04:47:25','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=348',21,'nav_menu_item','',0),(349,1,'2018-05-23 19:30:56','2018-05-23 23:30:56','<p>This is the WPForms preview page. 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I want what I\'ve always wanted - my family, plain and simple.  I\'ll never want anything else, and never have.\nI know we sometimes feel the need to justify our actions, lest the guilt haunt us.  That must be especially true for you, considering what has gone down over these years.  It\'s not an accusation - it is just that I cannot for the life of me see any other expAs 2017 comes to a close, I have to say I won\'t miss it.  I had high hopes for this year, not the least of which would be that it was better than the previous one, but sadly, this fell short, despite everything that I did manage to accomplish.  It\'s been a hard year, both financially and emotionally, and the past 365 days have left their mark.\nAnyone following my writing, my blog, or other social media pages, will know that I haven\'t written anything new since publishing my first novel, Highway Hypnosis.  In the course of the last year, I switched jobs, going from a technician position to a manager of a retail store (not my particular skill set, as well as finding a new place to live and subsequent moving activity.  I\'ve been busy rebuilding my art website while this was going on, a slow process now that I spend over 60 hours a week in a soul-killing position, while also tending to family obligations.\nSome of these tasks I\'ve managed to accomplish with ease; some have been hard-won, and others are still to be determined.  The past year has been particularly hard on me emotionally, as events from past years have snowballed to yeti proportions, and I\'ve been doing my utmost to deal with those events with as much calm and dexterity as I can muster.  This has not been anywhere near as successful as I would have liked - my time away from actively pursuing my martial arts has eroded the careful discipline such continued practice brings, and this has caused me to fall below my own standards of behavior on more than one occasion (and with those, their own share of regret).\nSo, in short, not a particularly satisfying year.  Any occasion where I spend more time tearing down and moving, rather than building toward the present and the future, is wasted time, in my opinion, and I hate wasting time.\nI\'d like to say that I have hope for 2018, but were I to ask the Magic 8-Ball about the promise of the coming year, the results would likely be \"prospects do not look good\".  Why?  For one, I don\'t have time to write much these days, and have been fairly depressed on those few occasions where I did.  I have become pretty much what I despise in terms of my job, and am living in uncertain times when it comes to almost every aspect of my life.  I haven\'t marketed either my novella or my novel, and have no idea when I\'ll be able to start writing again.  I need to find a way to move closer to the life I\'ve wanted all these years, not farther away, and definitely do not need to tear down my life and start over yet again.  No, I have to make some fundamental changes for the better in the year to come, and have some persistent problems resolve themselves before I declare any hope for the days to come.  Universe - the ball is in your court.\n\nUntil next time -\n\n~Namastelanation for everything I have been put through.\nBut let\'s address some things first...\nFirstly, there is no \'dark passenger\' in me.  There never was - there was only the gulf of sadness, fear, and despair that was caused by my deepest, darkest fear becoming a reality, a reality that took a LOT of effort - more effort than was ever put into the positive aspects of our relationship.  I was very specific and honest to a fault during our courtship, and I still am.  I am still that person, and deep down, I think the person that I met still lives in you...a beautiful creature of light and love that doesn\'t want to hurt anyone.  You like to say how you are attracted to happiness - I was happy too - happier than I had ever been in my life, to have you come into it.  But having to carry almost all the relationship, and everything that comes with it, is enough to drain just about anyone.  Relationships take working together, in both big and little ways.  It takes compromise and sacrifice at times for the greater good of the family.  I was promised all sorts of things, reassured on so many levels, and then none of it came to pass.  I became worried, and sad more than anything else.  Worried that you would never see me as worthy, despite all the effort and time and love I put out..and it seems now that the worry was justified.  You have downplayed my pain, my ptsd, and even criticized me for it - yet I don\'t think you understand how much I hurt at times, especially the first five years of us being together.  It\'s been getting better these last two years, but I still have the occasional problem, and back then, it was much worse, and much more frequent.  I worked on correcting that, and every other thing you brought up that you didn\'t like (everything within my control, anyway).  I could have been much a much happier man if you had just allowed me to heal - I would just begin to trust you again when it would happen again, and the wound would be reopened, and made deeper.  So, how could I have been the happy guy you wanted if you were hurting me?  I don\'t think that\'s fair.  In fact, it isn\'t fair.  Period.  You and Savannah are the best things in my life, and if you had/would/could given me that time, you would have seen it for yourself.  All I\'ve ever wanted is to be the one that makes you and my daughter happy.  I love seeing you smile because I got you something, or did something, or said something that pleased you.  I fucking lived for that, out of both of you.  Nothing else compares to that feeling...except being in your arms.  It made me feel good to be able to run out at 11pm to wal-mart to get you some little thing that would make your day a little better.  Now, it\'s just one more thing I miss in my life.\nI don\'t really think you see me as being some dark sort of being - I think it\'s a handy excuse to make your choices seem like the correct ones, and you have told yourself that for so long you may even believe it, but it\'s just not true.  I\'m a passionate, deeply loving, empathetic man who cares more about the people I love than I do about myself.  It\'s just who I am.\nSecondly, I look over your texts and what you have said to me at different times, and I wonder if you realize just how cold and cruel it is to say to someone \'I wanted you, I got you - it wasn\'t that hard...\"  You have flipped back and forth from one extreme to the other - one day you are making me the cutest \'I miss you and love you\' video EVER, and the next, I\'m being told I\"m too old - from someone who cut people out of her life if they couldn\'t accept our age difference.\nIt just doesn\'t add up.\nIt\'s those things that drove me to despair, to extremes of emotional pain that I would never inflict on anyone.  So, it really isn\'t all my fault that I seemed moody and sad so much.  It was this back and forth, from the bright, beautiful, shining goddess that I love, to the cold and calculating woman that seems to have no emotion toward me, that made me suggest going to see a doctor, and possibly a psychologist.  I wasn\'t trying to insult you, I was trying to help you.  Kali had similar episodes emotionally - and also refused to get checked out until years later.  Turns out she had a severe thyroid condition for years, and it exacerbated her mood swings.  If she had been checked out sooner, perhaps she would still be alive.  No, I never meant that as an insult - I just wanted to make sure you were okay, because I love you.\nSorry - despite all the effort to make me stop, I just can\'t.  I know it has scared you.  Life can be scary, let\'s face it.  It can be rough.  It can be challenging - and those times can sometimes seem like they are never going to end.  But the last thing anyone needs is to make things worse.  We were so close to getting out of the financial hole we were in.  We had a nice little house.  Savannah loved her room (do you remember how she ran in there again when we took her there?)  Why ruin that?  Why throw away what we had?  Things were actually getting better - did it bother you that I was getting close to being stable?  That I might actually be able to make some of my dreams come true?\nYou like to say you were \'afraid\' of me.  The simple fact is, I\'m calmer than a great deal of people out there.  I\'ve been calm through you trashing my truck, through all the lies you\'ve told to me and others, to numerous cases of infidelity.  I\'ve walked away once, and told you to leave once.  Both times you cried and pleaded to me - told me you were sorry and begged forgiveness.  And what did I do?  We both know the answer to that - I would forgive you and try to move forward.\nDo I get the same regard?  No.  I\'m painted as some wife-abuser, you paint yourself as a victim, and then want me to feel sorry and be guilty for the feelings that were caused by your behavior in the first place.  All I wanted that night was to fucking hold my wife as I went to sleep.  I was under an amazing amount of stress, and after I thought we had reached a better place, and after rubbing your back for 3 hours, I thought I could at least get some comfort from the woman I love - and was pushed away.  You don\'t seem to have any concept of just how much pain you have caused - and all with just mere words.  I\'m sorry, but the whole \'I\'m scared of you\' thing is just crap.  Yeah, I get loud  - after being pushed into a corner by frustration and extremes of despair - and then I usually do something stupid - kick a dresser, smack an armrest - and then I go, \'oh, that was stupid\' and move on.  Hell, even Kali told you that back when we were still chatting online.  Remember?  I do.  You can\'t torment a dog and then expect it not to bite when it has taken too much...and me smacking a wall and raising my voice is the limit of how far I\'ve ever gone or ever would - and I don\'t want to feel that way ever again.\nI will never go that far.  I never have, and I never will hit you.  You\'ve pushed me, said terrible things that have crushed my spirit, jumped on my back and caused a slipped disc, and I\'ve never retaliated.  I get mad - I say shit, and I fucking hate it, because I should never even feel that upset from someone I love, but that\'s as far as I will ever go, and deep inside, you know that.\nI want to raise our daughter like we said when we made her.  I still do.  The week before this happened, you said we should renew our vows, and asked why I wanted another baby - I told you I wanted to make enough money where you could stay home with the kids if you wanted, and explore any option you wanted to make you happy, as long as we did it together.  Do you think that has changed?\nNo.  Sorry if it disappoints you, but nothing has changed in me - I want my wife. I want my family.  \nYou say you don\'t want to be afraid...how afraid do you think I was?  I don\'t want to live in fear either.  I don\'t want to be afraid that my wife is lying to me, that she is cheating on me...again.  I don\'t want to be afraid that she is demonizing me to other people, in person or online, while looking for someone to replace me.  I have had to live with that fear every day, and it stinks.  It is horrible to see some guy telling you \'I hate how he treats you...\" like I fucking beat you all the time.  Gee, Britt, what did you hate?  The two or three screaming squirting orgasms she was having every night? The fact that I would touch and rub her for hours every day?  Reverse psychology much?  Do you know how much it hurts to have someone say \'I wasn\'t grooming him, we talked about it and found we are incompatible...\"  Seriously?  What the fuck were you even having that conversation for in the first place if you weren\'t exploring options?  I\'ve remained calm through many episodes that would have sent other men into a rage, and we both know it.  I\'m not some demon, some monster who looks to control or hurt you.  I just want my wife and family, the life I was promised back when we met...nothing more.  Yes, I was twenty once too...and by that age I was raising two girls on my own.  I remained committed through my promises to them, and took care of their mother through all kinds of shit even at that young age.\nIt\'s obvious that you put me through a lot of pain, and it seems to me that you did it so you could then justify what you had done, and were doing.  This is wrong, period.  All I\'ve ever tried to do is make you happy, but wanted some common sense things in return, some sort of effort to help with those little things that life requires - like taking up some of the slack when you work half the hours that I do.  Yes, I felt a natural level of disappointment when I had to carry most of the weight - both in energy and emotion and financially.  If you had put a little more dedication into things, you would have seen an altogether different person with you.\nThere never was and never will be any reason to hide, or run away, from me.  I\'m sure I look the part when I finally do get aggravated. I get loud, I scowl, I make horrible faces.  And that\'s it.  Period.  Yeah, if I am pushed hard enough and long enough, I may smack a wall, or an armrest.  It takes a LOT to get me there, and to me, even that\'s over the line.  It has always ended with that - either I\'ll hurt my toes or hand, or something will happen like the television falling over to make me realize I\'ve gone too far, and then I\'ll tell myself how stupid I\"m being and it\'s over.  Truth be told, it should never even get that far - I deserve a partner and wife who listens to me and wants to please me as much (or at least in the same zip code) as I want to please them.  At that point, there is no anger, no reason for fear or disappointment out of either of us.  This is just common sense.  It is truth.\nWhen we met, I told you the truth- about everything - and I still am.  I am not perfect.  But I do love you, steadfastly and without end.  You will be the last woman in my life, whether or not we ever reconcile.  Period. I would do anything to have us back together.  I don\'t care about anyone\'s opinion on that either.  It may make me look like a fool.  It may make me appear weak and pussy-whipped.  I don\'t give a crap.  My heart knows what it wants, and it wants my wife and daughter by my side.  If I can\'t have that, I\'m sure as hell not going to settle for second best.  Ever.  \nI\'m sorry for whatever I said that night.  I was upset, disappointed, and scared of losing everything - again - just as things were poised to get better.  People say shit when they are at that point that they don\'t mean, and I\'m no exception.  Like I said, I\'m not perfect.  But I want to be better.  I want to be the man that attracted you to the point where you wanted to marry me...to have children with me.  I want you to be able to let go of all your doubts and whatever led you to believe you actually had something to be afraid of - if that is even the case.  If you ever were truly afraid of me, then I apologize.  I just don\'t want to be hurt - not by the one person on this earth that has captured my heart like you have.  And it\'s not just your age - I wish like hell we were closer in years, but I can\'t change that.  I love you for your spirit, for how you seem to be my missing half, and how I seemed to be yours.\nYou once made me promise to stay with you.  Do you remember?  You said, \"I want you to promise to stay with me.  I\'m going to go through different stages and changes, and during some of them, I may not like you that much.\"  I promised I would, and I knew inside exactly what I was signing on for - yet I promised, and I have never backed down on that promise.  There\'s been times where I haven\'t liked you much either - those times where you are chatting with other men, cheating on me, lying to me about whatever - but I\'ve never stopped loving you, and I\'ve never given up on you, even when I told you to go.\nI just want to have back the level of loyalty and love that I give out.  I\'m not perfect, but I am a man who would do so much to keep you happy.  I have supported every creative notion and whim you ever had...have tried to be supportive in anything that didn\'t involve losing you to another man.  I fucking adore and worship you - yes I do get frustrated and upset when you go so far out of your way to hurt me - but it doesn\'t change the fact of how I feel, how I will always feel.\nI told you before that I was willing to forgive you...for everything.  I still am.  I wanted us to renew our vows on the beach of the Caribbean...it was to serve as a start-over, where we forgive each other, wipe our slates clean, and start over with each other.  I wanted to give Savannah a brother or sister, and give you a life filled with love and creativity.  You know as well as I do that age doesn\'t matter.  You could find a guy your age and he could get cancer or hit by a truck at any time.  It\'s the love that matters and the time spent loving one another that counts.  I\"m still praying for such a thing, as silly or impossible as that may be.  You will always be My Dragonfly in my heart.  It\'s why I got that tattoo, and why I\'ll always keep it.  \nI realize that there is little to no chance anything I say will matter.  I base that on the fact that my feelings have never seemed to matter in the past (you\'ve even said as much to my face). I\'ve always been the guy that you could rely on while you searched for something better.  Still, for some inexplicable reason, I hold out hope.  I hope that deep inside, that part of you that made you come back before still knows the truth (\'there is something about you...no matter what has happened, I\'ve always come back..\")  I hold onto hope when there is no rational reason to, because love isn\'t always rational.  It\'s primal and instinctive, and I know in the pit of my soul that there is no one that could ever stir my heart like you.  If there is any part of you that still loves me, it\'s that part that I hope is reading this.  I promise I will always be the best I can be, if you can promise the same.  I hope that you realize that happiness is internal, and that maybe if you gave out a little more affection and attention to your husband (and I still am your husband, by the way), that it would be reflected back to you in even greater magnitude.  I take my vows seriously, and all it would take to have me be the happy person I was when you met me is for me to know I wasn\'t going to be lied to or cheated on again, that I wouldn\'t be needlessly criticized or provoked in order to justify whatever negative feelings you had about me.  Those parts of my personality you don\'t like exist in everyone - and they will come out under the right circumstances.\nIf you could find that part of you, if you could free yourself of doubt and fear, then I believe you could be happy with me.  I want to go on adventures with you.  I want to raise our daughter together.  I want to rub your back at night and build puzzles with you and watch and participate in creative projects together.  I want to have a home and a fire pit and take you both to the beach.  I want the rest of my life to be as free of drama and stress as possible - I want it to be awesome, and filled with love.  I want to give you incredible orgasms and watch sunsets with you.  I want to pass from this earth knowing someone will miss me, and that they loved me while I was here, not die in regret of what could have been and never was.  I want this despite all that has happened, despite the fact that the woman I love has basically cheated on me since two weeks after saying they would be my girlfriend, despite all the emails and texts I have that you sent other men, despite all the many lies that have been told both to and about me. None of it matters - what matters is what comes next. \nThe choice comes down to you.  It always has.  If you can be mature enough to know how much you contribute and cause the events that have transpired, if you can accept that you can\'t torment someone emotionally and then blame them for their reaction to that torment, and more importantly, put that crap to rest, then so can I. If you can accept that the \'honeymoon feeling\' is infatuation, and not love - that love is deeper, and in reality involves faith and sacrifice and dedication to one another - if you could look into your own abyss like I have, and stop making excuses about why we shouldn\'t be together - then maybe you could become as happy as you have said you wanted to be.  For that to happen, however, all the crap and the drama and the lies and the cheating have to end, forever.  All the excuses have to seen as what they are, and life needs to be embraced as something to be shared together.\nYou have a man who has sacrificed everything on more than one occasion to be with you.  I don\'t see any of those other boys lining up to do that.  That is the difference between love and want, between love and wanting a piece of ass.  I want to be able to love you without fear, and without doubt.  Plain and simple.  I want to be free of that so I can be the man I really am inside, and become happy by doing so.  You have a man that has put up with an amazing amount of shit, and has never given up.  You should appreciate that, not look for reasons to hurt them further. \nLike I said, I don\'t expect anything from this.  I am saying what I feel inside.  But, if in the quiet moments, in the moments where our daughter is wondering where her Daddy is (and she does), where she is playing and happy and you feel a bit of nostalgia, if you have ever wondered if maybe you were making a mistake, or missing my touch in the slightest, then maybe you need to listen to that part of your heart.  It may have some things to say that may surprise you.  You may not want to hear it sometimes, but I know it\'s there.  Is the life you have now what you really want?  Is it what you want for Savannah? To deal with another ex?  Or would you rather admit to yourself, the way I\'ve been made to, that you may have made a few wrong calls, that maybe your happiness is something you can achieve with the man that actually loves you, and put some effort into finding that happiness with him.  \nThere may be more thoughts in the future, but this says how I feel.  Yes, despite all the awful things you have said to me, and about me, I still love you.  I still want a life with us as a family, together. I wanted you to know.  \n\n~Your Michael ','An Open Letter','','inherit','closed','closed','','301-autosave-v1','','','2018-05-28 21:49:40','2018-05-29 01:49:40','',301,'http://michaelvain.net/index.php/301-autosave-v1/',0,'revision','',0);

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Android 6.0.1; Nexus 5X Build/MMB29P) AppleWebKit/537.36 (KHTML, like Gecko) Chrome/41.0.2272.96 Mobile Safari/537.36 (compatible; Googlebot/2.1; +http://www.google.com/bot.html)',NULL,'66.249.69.228'),(114,'2018-05-28 08:25:13','/news/2016/07/stories.php','Mozilla/5.0 (Linux; Android 6.0.1; Nexus 5X Build/MMB29P) AppleWebKit/537.36 (KHTML, like Gecko) Chrome/41.0.2272.96 Mobile Safari/537.36 (compatible; Googlebot/2.1; +http://www.google.com/bot.html)',NULL,'66.249.69.230');

--
-- Table structure for table `wp_redirection_groups`
--

CREATE TABLE `wp_redirection_groups` (
  `id` int(11) unsigned NOT NULL AUTO_INCREMENT,
  `name` varchar(50) NOT NULL,
  `tracking` int(11) NOT NULL DEFAULT 1,
  `module_id` int(11) unsigned NOT NULL DEFAULT 0,
  `status` enum('enabled','disabled') NOT NULL DEFAULT 'enabled',
  `position` int(11) unsigned NOT NULL DEFAULT 0,
  PRIMARY KEY (`id`),
  KEY `module_id` (`module_id`),
  KEY `status` (`status`)
) ENGINE=MyISAM AUTO_INCREMENT=3 DEFAULT CHARSET=utf8mb4 COLLATE=utf8mb4_unicode_ci;

--
-- Dumping data for table `wp_redirection_groups`
--

INSERT INTO `wp_redirection_groups` VALUES (1,'Redirections',1,1,'enabled',0),(2,'Modified Posts',1,1,'enabled',1);

--
-- Table structure for table `wp_redirection_items`
--

CREATE TABLE `wp_redirection_items` (
  `id` int(11) unsigned NOT NULL AUTO_INCREMENT,
  `url` mediumtext NOT NULL,
  `regex` int(11) unsigned NOT NULL DEFAULT 0,
  `position` int(11) unsigned NOT NULL DEFAULT 0,
  `last_count` int(10) unsigned NOT NULL DEFAULT 0,
  `last_access` datetime NOT NULL DEFAULT '0000-00-00 00:00:00',
  `group_id` int(11) NOT NULL DEFAULT 0,
  `status` enum('enabled','disabled') NOT NULL DEFAULT 'enabled',
  `action_type` varchar(20) NOT NULL,
  `action_code` int(11) unsigned NOT NULL,
  `action_data` mediumtext DEFAULT NULL,
  `match_type` varchar(20) NOT NULL,
  `title` text DEFAULT NULL,
  PRIMARY KEY (`id`),
  KEY `url` (`url`(191)),
  KEY `status` (`status`),
  KEY `regex` (`regex`),
  KEY `group_idpos` (`group_id`,`position`),
  KEY `group` (`group_id`)
) ENGINE=MyISAM AUTO_INCREMENT=3 DEFAULT CHARSET=utf8mb4 COLLATE=utf8mb4_unicode_ci;

--
-- Dumping data for table `wp_redirection_items`
--

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--
-- Table structure for table `wp_revslider_layer_animations`
--

CREATE TABLE `wp_revslider_layer_animations` (
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  `params` text NOT NULL,
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  UNIQUE KEY `id` (`id`)
) ENGINE=MyISAM DEFAULT CHARSET=latin1 COLLATE=latin1_swedish_ci;

--
-- Dumping data for table `wp_revslider_layer_animations`
--


--
-- Table structure for table `wp_revslider_navigations`
--

CREATE TABLE `wp_revslider_navigations` (
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  `handle` varchar(191) NOT NULL,
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) ENGINE=MyISAM DEFAULT CHARSET=latin1 COLLATE=latin1_swedish_ci;

--
-- Dumping data for table `wp_revslider_navigations`
--


--
-- Table structure for table `wp_revslider_sliders`
--

CREATE TABLE `wp_revslider_sliders` (
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  `params` longtext NOT NULL,
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  UNIQUE KEY `id` (`id`)
) ENGINE=MyISAM DEFAULT CHARSET=latin1 COLLATE=latin1_swedish_ci;

--
-- Dumping data for table `wp_revslider_sliders`
--


--
-- Table structure for table `wp_revslider_slides`
--

CREATE TABLE `wp_revslider_slides` (
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  `params` longtext NOT NULL,
  `layers` longtext NOT NULL,
  `settings` text NOT NULL,
  UNIQUE KEY `id` (`id`)
) ENGINE=MyISAM DEFAULT CHARSET=latin1 COLLATE=latin1_swedish_ci;

--
-- Dumping data for table `wp_revslider_slides`
--


--
-- Table structure for table `wp_revslider_static_slides`
--

CREATE TABLE `wp_revslider_static_slides` (
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  `params` longtext NOT NULL,
  `layers` longtext NOT NULL,
  `settings` text NOT NULL,
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) ENGINE=MyISAM DEFAULT CHARSET=latin1 COLLATE=latin1_swedish_ci;

--
-- Dumping data for table `wp_revslider_static_slides`
--


--
-- Table structure for table `wp_term_relationships`
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--
-- Table structure for table `wp_term_taxonomy`
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--
-- Table structure for table `wp_termmeta`
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-- Dumping data for table `wp_termmeta`
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--
-- Table structure for table `wp_terms`
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-- Dumping data for table `wp_terms`
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--
-- Table structure for table `wp_usermeta`
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-- Dumping data for table `wp_usermeta`
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--
-- Table structure for table `wp_users`
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--
-- Dumping data for table `wp_users`
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--
-- Table structure for table `wp_xsg_sitemap_meta`
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--
-- Dumping data for table `wp_xsg_sitemap_meta`
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--
-- Dumping routines for database 'reinvai9_wp727'
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