I don't expect a reply to this - I'm writing it to both ease my grief, and to say all those things I have needed to say for so long - nor do I especially want one. I want what I've always wanted - my family, plain and simple.  I'll never want anything else, and never have.
I know we sometimes feel the need to justify our actions, lest the guilt haunt us.  That must be especially true for you, considering what has gone down over these years.  It's not an accusation - it is just that I cannot for the life of me see any other expAs 2017 comes to a close, I have to say I won't miss it.  I had high hopes for this year, not the least of which would be that it was better than the previous one, but sadly, this fell short, despite everything that I did manage to accomplish.  It's been a hard year, both financially and emotionally, and the past 365 days have left their mark.
Anyone following my writing, my blog, or other social media pages, will know that I haven't written anything new since publishing my first novel, Highway Hypnosis.  In the course of the last year, I switched jobs, going from a technician position to a manager of a retail store (not my particular skill set, as well as finding a new place to live and subsequent moving activity.  I've been busy rebuilding my art website while this was going on, a slow process now that I spend over 60 hours a week in a soul-killing position, while also tending to family obligations.
Some of these tasks I've managed to accomplish with ease; some have been hard-won, and others are still to be determined.  The past year has been particularly hard on me emotionally, as events from past years have snowballed to yeti proportions, and I've been doing my utmost to deal with those events with as much calm and dexterity as I can muster.  This has not been anywhere near as successful as I would have liked - my time away from actively pursuing my martial arts has eroded the careful discipline such continued practice brings, and this has caused me to fall below my own standards of behavior on more than one occasion (and with those, their own share of regret).
So, in short, not a particularly satisfying year.  Any occasion where I spend more time tearing down and moving, rather than building toward the present and the future, is wasted time, in my opinion, and I hate wasting time.
I'd like to say that I have hope for 2018, but were I to ask the Magic 8-Ball about the promise of the coming year, the results would likely be "prospects do not look good".  Why?  For one, I don't have time to write much these days, and have been fairly depressed on those few occasions where I did.  I have become pretty much what I despise in terms of my job, and am living in uncertain times when it comes to almost every aspect of my life.  I haven't marketed either my novella or my novel, and have no idea when I'll be able to start writing again.  I need to find a way to move closer to the life I've wanted all these years, not farther away, and definitely do not need to tear down my life and start over yet again.  No, I have to make some fundamental changes for the better in the year to come, and have some persistent problems resolve themselves before I declare any hope for the days to come.  Universe - the ball is in your court.

Until next time -

~Namastelanation for everything I have been put through.
But let's address some things first...
Firstly, there is no 'dark passenger' in me.  There never was - there was only the gulf of sadness, fear, and despair that was caused by my deepest, darkest fear becoming a reality, a reality that took a LOT of effort - more effort than was ever put into the positive aspects of our relationship.  I was very specific and honest to a fault during our courtship, and I still am.  I am still that person, and deep down, I think the person that I met still lives in you...a beautiful creature of light and love that doesn't want to hurt anyone.  You like to say how you are attracted to happiness - I was happy too - happier than I had ever been in my life, to have you come into it.  But having to carry almost all the relationship, and everything that comes with it, is enough to drain just about anyone.  Relationships take working together, in both big and little ways.  It takes compromise and sacrifice at times for the greater good of the family.  I was promised all sorts of things, reassured on so many levels, and then none of it came to pass.  I became worried, and sad more than anything else.  Worried that you would never see me as worthy, despite all the effort and time and love I put out..and it seems now that the worry was justified.  You have downplayed my pain, my ptsd, and even criticized me for it - yet I don't think you understand how much I hurt at times, especially the first five years of us being together.  It's been getting better these last two years, but I still have the occasional problem, and back then, it was much worse, and much more frequent.  I worked on correcting that, and every other thing you brought up that you didn't like (everything within my control, anyway).  I could have been much a much happier man if you had just allowed me to heal - I would just begin to trust you again when it would happen again, and the wound would be reopened, and made deeper.  So, how could I have been the happy guy you wanted if you were hurting me?  I don't think that's fair.  In fact, it isn't fair.  Period.  You and Savannah are the best things in my life, and if you had/would/could given me that time, you would have seen it for yourself.  All I've ever wanted is to be the one that makes you and my daughter happy.  I love seeing you smile because I got you something, or did something, or said something that pleased you.  I fucking lived for that, out of both of you.  Nothing else compares to that feeling...except being in your arms.  It made me feel good to be able to run out at 11pm to wal-mart to get you some little thing that would make your day a little better.  Now, it's just one more thing I miss in my life.
I don't really think you see me as being some dark sort of being - I think it's a handy excuse to make your choices seem like the correct ones, and you have told yourself that for so long you may even believe it, but it's just not true.  I'm a passionate, deeply loving, empathetic man who cares more about the people I love than I do about myself.  It's just who I am.
Secondly, I look over your texts and what you have said to me at different times, and I wonder if you realize just how cold and cruel it is to say to someone 'I wanted you, I got you - it wasn't that hard..."  You have flipped back and forth from one extreme to the other - one day you are making me the cutest 'I miss you and love you' video EVER, and the next, I'm being told I"m too old - from someone who cut people out of her life if they couldn't accept our age difference.
It just doesn't add up.
It's those things that drove me to despair, to extremes of emotional pain that I would never inflict on anyone.  So, it really isn't all my fault that I seemed moody and sad so much.  It was this back and forth, from the bright, beautiful, shining goddess that I love, to the cold and calculating woman that seems to have no emotion toward me, that made me suggest going to see a doctor, and possibly a psychologist.  I wasn't trying to insult you, I was trying to help you.  Kali had similar episodes emotionally - and also refused to get checked out until years later.  Turns out she had a severe thyroid condition for years, and it exacerbated her mood swings.  If she had been checked out sooner, perhaps she would still be alive.  No, I never meant that as an insult - I just wanted to make sure you were okay, because I love you.
Sorry - despite all the effort to make me stop, I just can't.  I know it has scared you.  Life can be scary, let's face it.  It can be rough.  It can be challenging - and those times can sometimes seem like they are never going to end.  But the last thing anyone needs is to make things worse.  We were so close to getting out of the financial hole we were in.  We had a nice little house.  Savannah loved her room (do you remember how she ran in there again when we took her there?)  Why ruin that?  Why throw away what we had?  Things were actually getting better - did it bother you that I was getting close to being stable?  That I might actually be able to make some of my dreams come true?
You like to say you were 'afraid' of me.  The simple fact is, I'm calmer than a great deal of people out there.  I've been calm through you trashing my truck, through all the lies you've told to me and others, to numerous cases of infidelity.  I've walked away once, and told you to leave once.  Both times you cried and pleaded to me - told me you were sorry and begged forgiveness.  And what did I do?  We both know the answer to that - I would forgive you and try to move forward.
Do I get the same regard?  No.  I'm painted as some wife-abuser, you paint yourself as a victim, and then want me to feel sorry and be guilty for the feelings that were caused by your behavior in the first place.  All I wanted that night was to fucking hold my wife as I went to sleep.  I was under an amazing amount of stress, and after I thought we had reached a better place, and after rubbing your back for 3 hours, I thought I could at least get some comfort from the woman I love - and was pushed away.  You don't seem to have any concept of just how much pain you have caused - and all with just mere words.  I'm sorry, but the whole 'I'm scared of you' thing is just crap.  Yeah, I get loud  - after being pushed into a corner by frustration and extremes of despair - and then I usually do something stupid - kick a dresser, smack an armrest - and then I go, 'oh, that was stupid' and move on.  Hell, even Kali told you that back when we were still chatting online.  Remember?  I do.  You can't torment a dog and then expect it not to bite when it has taken too much...and me smacking a wall and raising my voice is the limit of how far I've ever gone or ever would - and I don't want to feel that way ever again.
I will never go that far.  I never have, and I never will hit you.  You've pushed me, said terrible things that have crushed my spirit, jumped on my back and caused a slipped disc, and I've never retaliated.  I get mad - I say shit, and I fucking hate it, because I should never even feel that upset from someone I love, but that's as far as I will ever go, and deep inside, you know that.
I want to raise our daughter like we said when we made her.  I still do.  The week before this happened, you said we should renew our vows, and asked why I wanted another baby - I told you I wanted to make enough money where you could stay home with the kids if you wanted, and explore any option you wanted to make you happy, as long as we did it together.  Do you think that has changed?
No.  Sorry if it disappoints you, but nothing has changed in me - I want my wife. I want my family.  
You say you don't want to be afraid...how afraid do you think I was?  I don't want to live in fear either.  I don't want to be afraid that my wife is lying to me, that she is cheating on me...again.  I don't want to be afraid that she is demonizing me to other people, in person or online, while looking for someone to replace me.  I have had to live with that fear every day, and it stinks.  It is horrible to see some guy telling you 'I hate how he treats you..." like I fucking beat you all the time.  Gee, Britt, what did you hate?  The two or three screaming squirting orgasms she was having every night? The fact that I would touch and rub her for hours every day?  Reverse psychology much?  Do you know how much it hurts to have someone say 'I wasn't grooming him, we talked about it and found we are incompatible..."  Seriously?  What the fuck were you even having that conversation for in the first place if you weren't exploring options?  I've remained calm through many episodes that would have sent other men into a rage, and we both know it.  I'm not some demon, some monster who looks to control or hurt you.  I just want my wife and family, the life I was promised back when we met...nothing more.  Yes, I was twenty once too...and by that age I was raising two girls on my own.  I remained committed through my promises to them, and took care of their mother through all kinds of shit even at that young age.
It's obvious that you put me through a lot of pain, and it seems to me that you did it so you could then justify what you had done, and were doing.  This is wrong, period.  All I've ever tried to do is make you happy, but wanted some common sense things in return, some sort of effort to help with those little things that life requires - like taking up some of the slack when you work half the hours that I do.  Yes, I felt a natural level of disappointment when I had to carry most of the weight - both in energy and emotion and financially.  If you had put a little more dedication into things, you would have seen an altogether different person with you.
There never was and never will be any reason to hide, or run away, from me.  I'm sure I look the part when I finally do get aggravated. I get loud, I scowl, I make horrible faces.  And that's it.  Period.  Yeah, if I am pushed hard enough and long enough, I may smack a wall, or an armrest.  It takes a LOT to get me there, and to me, even that's over the line.  It has always ended with that - either I'll hurt my toes or hand, or something will happen like the television falling over to make me realize I've gone too far, and then I'll tell myself how stupid I"m being and it's over.  Truth be told, it should never even get that far - I deserve a partner and wife who listens to me and wants to please me as much (or at least in the same zip code) as I want to please them.  At that point, there is no anger, no reason for fear or disappointment out of either of us.  This is just common sense.  It is truth.
When we met, I told you the truth- about everything - and I still am.  I am not perfect.  But I do love you, steadfastly and without end.  You will be the last woman in my life, whether or not we ever reconcile.  Period. I would do anything to have us back together.  I don't care about anyone's opinion on that either.  It may make me look like a fool.  It may make me appear weak and pussy-whipped.  I don't give a crap.  My heart knows what it wants, and it wants my wife and daughter by my side.  If I can't have that, I'm sure as hell not going to settle for second best.  Ever.  
I'm sorry for whatever I said that night.  I was upset, disappointed, and scared of losing everything - again - just as things were poised to get better.  People say shit when they are at that point that they don't mean, and I'm no exception.  Like I said, I'm not perfect.  But I want to be better.  I want to be the man that attracted you to the point where you wanted to marry me...to have children with me.  I want you to be able to let go of all your doubts and whatever led you to believe you actually had something to be afraid of - if that is even the case.  If you ever were truly afraid of me, then I apologize.  I just don't want to be hurt - not by the one person on this earth that has captured my heart like you have.  And it's not just your age - I wish like hell we were closer in years, but I can't change that.  I love you for your spirit, for how you seem to be my missing half, and how I seemed to be yours.
You once made me promise to stay with you.  Do you remember?  You said, "I want you to promise to stay with me.  I'm going to go through different stages and changes, and during some of them, I may not like you that much."  I promised I would, and I knew inside exactly what I was signing on for - yet I promised, and I have never backed down on that promise.  There's been times where I haven't liked you much either - those times where you are chatting with other men, cheating on me, lying to me about whatever - but I've never stopped loving you, and I've never given up on you, even when I told you to go.
I just want to have back the level of loyalty and love that I give out.  I'm not perfect, but I am a man who would do so much to keep you happy.  I have supported every creative notion and whim you ever had...have tried to be supportive in anything that didn't involve losing you to another man.  I fucking adore and worship you - yes I do get frustrated and upset when you go so far out of your way to hurt me - but it doesn't change the fact of how I feel, how I will always feel.
I told you before that I was willing to forgive you...for everything.  I still am.  I wanted us to renew our vows on the beach of the Caribbean...it was to serve as a start-over, where we forgive each other, wipe our slates clean, and start over with each other.  I wanted to give Savannah a brother or sister, and give you a life filled with love and creativity.  You know as well as I do that age doesn't matter.  You could find a guy your age and he could get cancer or hit by a truck at any time.  It's the love that matters and the time spent loving one another that counts.  I"m still praying for such a thing, as silly or impossible as that may be.  You will always be My Dragonfly in my heart.  It's why I got that tattoo, and why I'll always keep it.  
I realize that there is little to no chance anything I say will matter.  I base that on the fact that my feelings have never seemed to matter in the past (you've even said as much to my face). I've always been the guy that you could rely on while you searched for something better.  Still, for some inexplicable reason, I hold out hope.  I hope that deep inside, that part of you that made you come back before still knows the truth ('there is something about you...no matter what has happened, I've always come back..")  I hold onto hope when there is no rational reason to, because love isn't always rational.  It's primal and instinctive, and I know in the pit of my soul that there is no one that could ever stir my heart like you.  If there is any part of you that still loves me, it's that part that I hope is reading this.  I promise I will always be the best I can be, if you can promise the same.  I hope that you realize that happiness is internal, and that maybe if you gave out a little more affection and attention to your husband (and I still am your husband, by the way), that it would be reflected back to you in even greater magnitude.  I take my vows seriously, and all it would take to have me be the happy person I was when you met me is for me to know I wasn't going to be lied to or cheated on again, that I wouldn't be needlessly criticized or provoked in order to justify whatever negative feelings you had about me.  Those parts of my personality you don't like exist in everyone - and they will come out under the right circumstances.
If you could find that part of you, if you could free yourself of doubt and fear, then I believe you could be happy with me.  I want to go on adventures with you.  I want to raise our daughter together.  I want to rub your back at night and build puzzles with you and watch and participate in creative projects together.  I want to have a home and a fire pit and take you both to the beach.  I want the rest of my life to be as free of drama and stress as possible - I want it to be awesome, and filled with love.  I want to give you incredible orgasms and watch sunsets with you.  I want to pass from this earth knowing someone will miss me, and that they loved me while I was here, not die in regret of what could have been and never was.  I want this despite all that has happened, despite the fact that the woman I love has basically cheated on me since two weeks after saying they would be my girlfriend, despite all the emails and texts I have that you sent other men, despite all the many lies that have been told both to and about me. None of it matters - what matters is what comes next. 
The choice comes down to you.  It always has.  If you can be mature enough to know how much you contribute and cause the events that have transpired, if you can accept that you can't torment someone emotionally and then blame them for their reaction to that torment, and more importantly, put that crap to rest, then so can I. If you can accept that the 'honeymoon feeling' is infatuation, and not love - that love is deeper, and in reality involves faith and sacrifice and dedication to one another - if you could look into your own abyss like I have, and stop making excuses about why we shouldn't be together - then maybe you could become as happy as you have said you wanted to be.  For that to happen, however, all the crap and the drama and the lies and the cheating have to end, forever.  All the excuses have to seen as what they are, and life needs to be embraced as something to be shared together.
You have a man who has sacrificed everything on more than one occasion to be with you.  I don't see any of those other boys lining up to do that.  That is the difference between love and want, between love and wanting a piece of ass.  I want to be able to love you without fear, and without doubt.  Plain and simple.  I want to be free of that so I can be the man I really am inside, and become happy by doing so.  You have a man that has put up with an amazing amount of shit, and has never given up.  You should appreciate that, not look for reasons to hurt them further. 
Like I said, I don't expect anything from this.  I am saying what I feel inside.  But, if in the quiet moments, in the moments where our daughter is wondering where her Daddy is (and she does), where she is playing and happy and you feel a bit of nostalgia, if you have ever wondered if maybe you were making a mistake, or missing my touch in the slightest, then maybe you need to listen to that part of your heart.  It may have some things to say that may surprise you.  You may not want to hear it sometimes, but I know it's there.  Is the life you have now what you really want?  Is it what you want for Savannah? To deal with another ex?  Or would you rather admit to yourself, the way I've been made to, that you may have made a few wrong calls, that maybe your happiness is something you can achieve with the man that actually loves you, and put some effort into finding that happiness with him.  
There may be more thoughts in the future, but this says how I feel.  Yes, despite all the awful things you have said to me, and about me, I still love you.  I still want a life with us as a family, together. I wanted you to know.  

~Your Michael 