-- Table structure for table `wp_posts`
--

CREATE TABLE `wp_posts` (
  `ID` bigint(20) unsigned NOT NULL AUTO_INCREMENT,
  `post_author` bigint(20) unsigned NOT NULL DEFAULT 0,
  `post_date` datetime NOT NULL DEFAULT '0000-00-00 00:00:00',
  `post_date_gmt` datetime NOT NULL DEFAULT '0000-00-00 00:00:00',
  `post_content` longtext NOT NULL,
  `post_title` mediumtext NOT NULL,
  `post_excerpt` mediumtext NOT NULL,
  `post_status` varchar(20) NOT NULL DEFAULT 'publish',
  `comment_status` varchar(20) NOT NULL DEFAULT 'open',
  `ping_status` varchar(20) NOT NULL DEFAULT 'open',
  `post_password` varchar(255) NOT NULL DEFAULT '',
  `post_name` varchar(200) NOT NULL DEFAULT '',
  `to_ping` mediumtext NOT NULL,
  `pinged` mediumtext NOT NULL,
  `post_modified` datetime NOT NULL DEFAULT '0000-00-00 00:00:00',
  `post_modified_gmt` datetime NOT NULL DEFAULT '0000-00-00 00:00:00',
  `post_content_filtered` longtext NOT NULL,
  `post_parent` bigint(20) unsigned NOT NULL DEFAULT 0,
  `guid` varchar(255) NOT NULL DEFAULT '',
  `menu_order` int(11) NOT NULL DEFAULT 0,
  `post_type` varchar(20) NOT NULL DEFAULT 'post',
  `post_mime_type` varchar(100) NOT NULL DEFAULT '',
  `comment_count` bigint(20) NOT NULL DEFAULT 0,
  PRIMARY KEY (`ID`),
  KEY `type_status_date` (`post_type`,`post_status`,`post_date`,`ID`),
  KEY `post_parent` (`post_parent`),
  KEY `post_author` (`post_author`),
  KEY `post_name` (`post_name`(191))
) ENGINE=MyISAM AUTO_INCREMENT=493 DEFAULT CHARSET=utf8mb4 COLLATE=utf8mb4_unicode_ci;

--
-- Dumping data for table `wp_posts`
--

INSERT INTO `wp_posts` VALUES (1,1,'2012-05-06 23:12:43','2012-05-06 23:12:43','My old blog suffered a heart attack and died, or was eaten by zombies; I\'m not sure which one, exactly.  I\'m working on setting up the new one, so please stand by!','Greetings From the Underworld','','publish','open','open','','hello-world','','','2012-05-10 21:17:17','2012-05-11 01:17:17','',0,'http://michaelvain.net//news/?p=1',0,'post','',1),(2,1,'2012-05-06 23:12:43','2012-05-06 23:12:43','MICHAEL VAIN spent his childhood in an 18th century colonial home located in Elkridge, Maryland, where he was raised by his grandparents, Michael and Gladys Kradz. Growing up in such an environment became a major influence behind his writing and his art, and provided a perfect atmosphere in which to explore the darker avenues of imagination.\r\n\r\nMichael began his creative career as a visual artist, and has been drawing and painting since he was old enough to hold a brush. He has extensive experience in both the fine and graphic arts fields, working as a freelance artist, as Art Director for a major display company, and as Gallery Director for a fine arts gallery in Baltimore, Maryland.\r\n\r\nToday, Michael continues to create works of functional art in many mediums. He is the author of the <a href=\"http://www.reincarnations.com\">Reincarnations.com</a> Website and blog, and has written papers on such varied topics as counterintelligence and Bushido.\r\n\r\nA long-time student and teacher of traditional martial arts, Michael has achieved Dan level in Kobayashi Shorin-Ryu, a traditional form of Okinawin Karate, Shorinkan Kobujitsu, the traditional Okinawin weaponry system, and Shaolin Chin-Na, a Chinese grappling art. He continues to extend his martial training at every opportunity. More information on his studies can be found on the <a href=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/martial.htm\">Martial Arts</a> page.\r\n\r\nMichael has also begun to work on illustrations for his novels and other works, combining his talent for painting and illustration with his writing. With his art director experience to guide him, he prefers to create the covers and interior artwork for his books. While in school, his work was consistently shown in area art exhibits, and his work with <a href=\"http://www.reincarnations.com\">Reincarnations.com</a> has been shown in NICHE Award-winning galleries across the country.','About the Author','','publish','open','open','','about','','','2018-05-28 03:07:31','2018-05-28 07:07:31','',0,'http://michaelvain.net//news/?page_id=2',0,'page','',0),(37,2,'2012-05-17 22:56:04','2012-05-18 02:56:04','<div style=\"clear:right\">\r\n<h3 style=\"float:left\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia003bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p><br><br>I haven\'t posted for awhile.  The main reason for this is that Michelle and I suffered the sudden and untimely loss of our beloved Staffordshire Terrier, Mia, on April 4 of this year.  Mia was a rescue, and had come into our care from a series of uncaring owners.  We gave her the life she had longed for, only to have that time cut short. </p>\r\n<p>It was during late night walks with her that I became inspired to write the few pieces of poetry found on this site.  Something about our time together brought me closer to my muse, and that is a rare quality.</p>\r\n<br><br><br>\r\n</div>\r\n<h1></h1>\r\n<br><br><br>\r\n<div style=\"clear:right\">\r\n<h3 style=\"float:right\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia005bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p>Despite the reputation normally attributed to pit bulls, she was a beautiful and loyal animal, who never failed to convey not only her appreciation for the slightest courtesy, but her love for those around her.  She will truly be missed.</p>\r\n</div>\r\n','R.I.P Mia','','inherit','closed','closed','','21-revision-12','','','2012-05-17 22:56:04','2012-05-18 02:56:04','',21,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=37',0,'revision','',0),(53,2,'2012-12-20 18:04:33','2012-12-20 23:04:33',' . . . I will be investigating the option of self-publishing in the near future.\n     Most that know me know that I have resisted the e-book trend for some time. I have always been a collector of hard and soft-cover books for most of my life.  I have felt that the e-book trend was taking something away from traditional publishing, and thought I would see a flood of <i>Twilight</i> quality writing or worse.\n     However, observation through time has shown that this is not necessarily the case, and though self-publishing, especially in an electronic format, poses its own share of shortcomings, it also gives the author a level of control over his own work that is rarely achieved in the traditional publishing world, at least for those authors who have yet to establish themselves.  Being that I am a visual artist as well as a writer, it has been my desire for some time to incorporate more of my visual work into my writing.  This makes the self-publishing route even more attractive, and has given me the incentive to take that path in the future, and include interior illustrations in addition to cover artwork.\n     Of course, if the world ends tomorrow, that plan may need to be put on hold, but otherwise, I hope to have my first novel <i>Highway Hypnosis</i> ready for e-book publication in the coming year.\n\n','If the World Doesn\'t End . . .','','inherit','closed','closed','','52-revision','','','2012-12-20 18:04:33','2012-12-20 23:04:33','',52,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=53',0,'revision','',0),(5,2,'2012-05-09 11:00:42','2012-05-09 15:00:42','http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/graymarble_110.jpg','graymarble_110.jpg','','inherit','open','open','','graymarble_110-jpg','','','2012-05-09 11:00:42','2012-05-09 15:00:42','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/graymarble_110.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(6,2,'2012-05-09 11:03:51','2012-05-09 15:03:51','http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/graymarble_1101.jpg','graymarble_1101.jpg','','inherit','open','open','','graymarble_1101-jpg','','','2012-05-09 11:03:51','2012-05-09 15:03:51','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/graymarble_1101.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(7,2,'2012-05-09 23:45:28','2012-05-10 03:45:28','MICHAEL VAIN spent his childhood in an 18th century colonial home located in Elkridge, Maryland, where he was raised by his grandparents, Michael and Gladys Kradz. Growing up in such an environment became a major influence behind his writing and his art, and provided a perfect atmosphere in which to explore the darker avenues of imagination.\r\n\r\nMichael began his creative career as a visual artist, and has been drawing and painting since he was old enough to hold a brush. He has extensive experience in both the fine and graphic arts fields, working as a freelance artist, as Art Director for a major display company, and as Gallery Director for a fine arts gallery in Baltimore, Maryland.\r\n\r\nToday, Michael continues to create works of functional art in many mediums. He is the author of the <a href=\"http://www.reincarnations.com\">Reincarnations.com</a> Website and blog, and has written papers on such varied topics as counterintelligence and Bushido.\r\n\r\nA long-time student and teacher of traditional martial arts, Michael has achieved Dan level in Kobayashi Shorin-Ryu, a traditional form of Okinawin Karate, Shorinkan Kobujitsu, the traditional Okinawin weaponry system, and Shaolin Chin-Na, a Chinese grappling art. He continues to extend his martial training at every opportunity. More information on his studies can be found on the <a href=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/martial.htm\">Martial Arts</a> page.\r\n\r\nMichael has also begun to work on illustrations for his novels and other works, combining his talent for painting and illustration with his writing. With his art director experience to guide him, he prefers to create the covers and interior artwork for his books. While in school, his work was consistently shown in area art exhibits, and his work with <a href=\"http://www.reincarnations.com\">Reincarnations.com</a> has been shown in NICHE Award-winning galleries across the country.','About the Author','','inherit','open','open','','2-autosave-v1','','','2012-05-09 23:45:28','2012-05-10 03:45:28','',2,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=7',0,'revision','',0),(8,2,'2012-05-06 23:12:43','2012-05-06 23:12:43','This is an example page. It\'s different from a blog post because it will stay in one place and will show up in your site navigation (in most themes). Most people start with an About page that introduces them to potential site visitors. It might say something like this:\n\n<blockquote>Hi there! I\'m a bike messenger by day, aspiring actor by night, and this is my blog. I live in Los Angeles, have a great dog named Jack, and I like pi&#241;a coladas. (And gettin\' caught in the rain.)</blockquote>\n\n...or something like this:\n\n<blockquote>The XYZ Doohickey Company was founded in 1971, and has been providing quality doohickies to the public ever since. Located in Gotham City, XYZ employs over 2,000 people and does all kinds of awesome things for the Gotham community.</blockquote>\n\nAs a new WordPress user, you should go to <a href=\"http://michaelvain.net//news/wp-admin/\">your dashboard</a> to delete this page and create new pages for your content. Have fun!','Sample Page','','inherit','open','open','','2-revision-v1','','','2012-05-06 23:12:43','2012-05-06 23:12:43','',2,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=8',0,'revision','',0),(9,2,'2012-05-09 23:56:35','2012-05-10 03:56:35','','Home','','publish','closed','closed','','home','','','2018-05-24 00:47:25','2018-05-24 04:47:25','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=9',1,'nav_menu_item','',0),(10,2,'2012-05-09 23:56:36','2012-05-10 03:56:36','','Past','','publish','closed','closed','','past','','','2018-05-24 00:47:25','2018-05-24 04:47:25','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=10',2,'nav_menu_item','',0),(11,2,'2012-05-09 23:56:36','2012-05-10 03:56:36','','Present','','publish','closed','closed','','present','','','2018-05-24 00:47:25','2018-05-24 04:47:25','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=11',6,'nav_menu_item','',0),(12,2,'2012-05-09 23:56:36','2012-05-10 03:56:36','','Future','','publish','closed','closed','','future','','','2018-05-24 00:47:25','2018-05-24 04:47:25','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=12',11,'nav_menu_item','',0),(13,2,'2012-05-09 23:56:36','2012-05-10 03:56:36','','Galleries','','publish','closed','closed','','galleries','','','2018-05-24 00:47:25','2018-05-24 04:47:25','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=13',13,'nav_menu_item','',0),(17,2,'2012-05-10 21:12:09','2012-05-11 01:12:09','http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/graymarble_1102.jpg','graymarble_1102.jpg','','inherit','closed','closed','','graymarble_1102-jpg','','','2012-05-10 21:12:09','2012-05-11 01:12:09','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/graymarble_1102.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(18,2,'2012-05-10 21:16:45','2012-05-11 01:16:45','My old blog suffered a heart attack and died, or was eaten by zombies; I\'m not sure which one, exact','Greetings From the Underworld','','inherit','closed','closed','','1-autosave','','','2012-05-10 21:16:45','2012-05-11 01:16:45','',1,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=18',0,'revision','',0),(19,2,'2012-05-06 23:12:43','2012-05-06 23:12:43','Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!','Hello world!','','inherit','closed','closed','','1-revision','','','2012-05-06 23:12:43','2012-05-06 23:12:43','',1,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=19',0,'revision','',0),(20,2,'2012-05-13 22:21:42','0000-00-00 00:00:00','','R.I.P Mia','','draft','closed','closed','','','','','2012-05-13 22:21:42','2012-05-14 02:21:42','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=20',0,'post','',0),(21,2,'2012-05-13 22:32:25','2012-05-14 02:32:25','<div style=\"clear:right\">\r\n<h3 style=\"float:left\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia003bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p><br><br>I haven\'t posted for awhile.  The main reason for this is that Michelle and I suffered the sudden and untimely loss of our beloved Staffordshire Terrier, Mia, on April 4 of this year.  Mia was a rescue, and had come into our care through a series of unfortunate events.  We gave her the life she had longed for, only to have that time cut short. </p>\r\n<p>It was during late night walks with her that I became inspired to write the few pieces of poetry found on this site.  Something about our time together brought me closer to my muse, and that is a rare quality.</p>\r\n<br><br><br>\r\n</div>\r\n<h1></h1>\r\n<br><br><br>\r\n<div style=\"clear:right\">\r\n<h3 style=\"float:right\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia005bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p>Despite the reputation normally attributed to pit bulls, she was a beautiful and loyal animal, who never failed to convey not only her appreciation for the slightest courtesy, but her love for those around her.  She will truly be missed.</p>\r\n</div>\r\n','R.I.P Mia','','publish','closed','closed','','r-i-p-mia','','','2012-05-25 10:51:15','2012-05-25 14:51:15','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=21',0,'post','',0),(22,2,'2012-05-13 22:26:25','2012-05-14 02:26:25','','mia003bm','R.I.P. Mia  ?? - 4/4/2012','inherit','closed','closed','','mia003bm','','','2012-05-13 22:26:25','2012-05-14 02:26:25','',21,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia003bm.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(23,2,'2012-05-13 22:31:42','2012-05-14 02:31:42','','mia005bm','Our Mia','inherit','closed','closed','','mia005bm','','','2012-05-13 22:31:42','2012-05-14 02:31:42','',21,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia005bm.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(29,2,'2012-05-14 09:10:39','2012-05-14 13:10:39','<h3 style=\"float:left\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia003bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:250px\">\r\n</h3>\r\nI haven\'t posted for awhile.  The main reason for this is that Michelle and I suffered the sudden and untimely loss of our beloved Staffordshire Terrier, Mia, on April 4 of this year.  Mia was a rescue, and had come into our care from a series of uncaring owners.  We gave her the life she had longed for, only to have that time cut short.  Despite the reputation normally attributed to pit bulls, she was a beautiful and loyal animal, who never failed to convey not only her appreciation for the slightest courtesy, but her love for those around her.  She will truly be missed.\r\n<h3 style=\"float:right\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia005bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:250px\">\r\n</h3>','R.I.P Mia','','inherit','closed','closed','','21-revision-5','','','2012-05-14 09:10:39','2012-05-14 13:10:39','',21,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=29',0,'revision','',0),(24,2,'2012-05-13 22:32:00','2012-05-14 02:32:00','[caption id=\"attachment_22\" align=\"alignleft\" width=\"223\" caption=\"R.I.P. Mia ?? - 4/4/2012\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia003bm.jpg\"><img class=\"size-medium wp-image-22\" title=\"mia003bm\" src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia003bm-223x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"223\" height=\"300\" /></a>[/caption]\nI haven\'t posted for awhile.  The main reason for this is that Michelle and I suffered the sudden and untimely loss of our beloved Staffordshire Terrier, Mia, on April 4 of this year.  Mia was a rescue, and had come into our care from a series of uncaring owners.  We gave her the life she had longed for, only to have that time cut short.  Despite the reputation normally attributed to pit bulls, she was a beautiful and loyal animal, who never failed to convey not only her appreciation for the slightest courtesy, but her love for those around her.  She will truly be missed.[caption id=\"attachment_23\" align=\"alignright\" width=\"223\" caption=\"Our Mia\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia005bm.jpg\"><img src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia005bm-223x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" title=\"mia005bm\" width=\"223\" height=\"300\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-23\" /></a>[/caption]','R.I.P Mia','','inherit','closed','closed','','21-revision','','','2012-05-13 22:32:00','2012-05-14 02:32:00','',21,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=24',0,'revision','',0),(25,2,'2012-05-13 22:32:02','2012-05-14 02:32:02','[caption id=\"attachment_22\" align=\"alignleft\" width=\"223\" caption=\"R.I.P. Mia ?? - 4/4/2012\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia003bm.jpg\"><img class=\"size-medium wp-image-22\" title=\"mia003bm\" src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia003bm-223x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"223\" height=\"300\" /></a>[/caption]\r\nI haven\'t posted for awhile.  The main reason for this is that Michelle and I suffered the sudden and untimely loss of our beloved Staffordshire Terrier, Mia, on April 4 of this year.  Mia was a rescue, and had come into our care from a series of uncaring owners.  We gave her the life she had longed for, only to have that time cut short.  Despite the reputation normally attributed to pit bulls, she was a beautiful and loyal animal, who never failed to convey not only her appreciation for the slightest courtesy, but her love for those around her.  She will truly be missed.[caption id=\"attachment_23\" align=\"alignright\" width=\"223\" caption=\"Our Mia\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia005bm.jpg\"><img src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia005bm-223x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" title=\"mia005bm\" width=\"223\" height=\"300\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-23\" /></a>[/caption]','R.I.P Mia','','inherit','closed','closed','','21-revision-2','','','2012-05-13 22:32:02','2012-05-14 02:32:02','',21,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=25',0,'revision','',0),(26,2,'2012-05-13 22:32:25','2012-05-14 02:32:25','[caption id=\"attachment_22\" align=\"alignleft\" width=\"223\" caption=\"R.I.P. Mia ?? - 4/4/2012\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia003bm.jpg\"><img class=\"size-medium wp-image-22\" title=\"mia003bm\" src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia003bm-223x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"223\" height=\"300\" /></a>[/caption]\r\nI haven\'t posted for awhile.  The main reason for this is that Michelle and I suffered the sudden and untimely loss of our beloved Staffordshire Terrier, Mia, on April 4 of this year.  Mia was a rescue, and had come into our care from a series of uncaring owners.  We gave her the life she had longed for, only to have that time cut short.  Despite the reputation normally attributed to pit bulls, she was a beautiful and loyal animal, who never failed to convey not only her appreciation for the slightest courtesy, but her love for those around her.  She will truly be missed.[caption id=\"attachment_23\" align=\"alignright\" width=\"223\" caption=\"Our Mia\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia005bm.jpg\"><img src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia005bm-223x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" title=\"mia005bm\" width=\"223\" height=\"300\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-23\" /></a>[/caption]','R.I.P Mia','','inherit','closed','closed','','21-revision-3','','','2012-05-13 22:32:25','2012-05-14 02:32:25','',21,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=26',0,'revision','',0),(27,2,'2012-05-17 22:55:16','2012-05-18 02:55:16','<div style=\"clear:right\">\n<h3 style=\"float:left\">\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia003bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\n</h3>\n<p><br><br>I haven\'t posted for awhile.  The main reason for this is that Michelle and I suffered the sudden and untimely loss of our beloved Staffordshire Terrier, Mia, on April 4 of this year.  Mia was a rescue, and had come into our care from a series of uncaring owners.  We gave her the life she had longed for, only to have that time cut short. </p>\n<p>It was during late night walks with her that I became inspired to write the few pieces of poetry found on this site.  Something about our time together brought me </p>\n<br><br><br>\n</div>\n<h1></h1>\n<br><br><br>\n<div style=\"clear:right\">\n<h3 style=\"float:right\">\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia005bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\n</h3>\n<p>Despite the reputation normally attributed to pit bulls, she was a beautiful and loyal animal, who never failed to convey not only her appreciation for the slightest courtesy, but her love for those around her.  She will truly be missed.</p>\n</div>\n','R.I.P Mia','','inherit','closed','closed','','21-autosave','','','2012-05-17 22:55:16','2012-05-18 02:55:16','',21,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=27',0,'revision','',0),(28,2,'2012-05-13 22:33:35','2012-05-14 02:33:35','[caption id=\"attachment_22\" align=\"alignleft\" width=\"223\" caption=\"R.I.P. Mia ?? - 4/4/2012\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia003bm.jpg\"><img class=\"size-medium wp-image-22\" title=\"mia003bm\" src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia003bm-223x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"223\" height=\"300\" /></a>[/caption]\r\nI haven\'t posted for awhile.  The main reason for this is that Michelle and I suffered the sudden and untimely loss of our beloved Staffordshire Terrier, Mia, on April 4 of this year.  Mia was a rescue, and had come into our care from a series of uncaring owners.  We gave her the life she had longed for, only to have that time cut short.  Despite the reputation normally attributed to pit bulls, she was a beautiful and loyal animal, who never failed to convey not only her appreciation for the slightest courtesy, but her love for those around her.  She will truly be missed.[caption id=\"attachment_23\" align=\"alignright\" width=\"223\" caption=\"Our Mia\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia005bm.jpg\"><img src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/mia005bm-223x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" title=\"mia005bm\" width=\"223\" height=\"300\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-23\" /></a>[/caption]','R.I.P Mia','','inherit','closed','closed','','21-revision-4','','','2012-05-13 22:33:35','2012-05-14 02:33:35','',21,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=28',0,'revision','',0),(30,2,'2012-05-16 12:24:58','2012-05-16 16:24:58','<h3 style=\"float:left\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia003bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p>I haven\'t posted for awhile.  The main reason for this is that Michelle and I suffered the sudden and untimely loss of our beloved Staffordshire Terrier, Mia, on April 4 of this year.  Mia was a rescue, and had come into our care from a series of uncaring owners.  We gave her the life she had longed for, only to have that time cut short. </p>\r\n<h3 style=\"float:right\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia005bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p>Despite the reputation normally attributed to pit bulls, she was a beautiful and loyal animal, who never failed to convey not only her appreciation for the slightest courtesy, but her love for those around her.  She will truly be missed.</p>\r\n\r\n','R.I.P Mia','','inherit','closed','closed','','21-revision-6','','','2012-05-16 12:24:58','2012-05-16 16:24:58','',21,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=30',0,'revision','',0),(31,2,'2012-05-16 12:26:09','2012-05-16 16:26:09','<div>\r\n<h3 style=\"float:left\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia003bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p>I haven\'t posted for awhile.  The main reason for this is that Michelle and I suffered the sudden and untimely loss of our beloved Staffordshire Terrier, Mia, on April 4 of this year.  Mia was a rescue, and had come into our care from a series of uncaring owners.  We gave her the life she had longed for, only to have that time cut short. </p>\r\n</div>\r\n<div>\r\n<h3 style=\"float:right\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia005bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p>Despite the reputation normally attributed to pit bulls, she was a beautiful and loyal animal, who never failed to convey not only her appreciation for the slightest courtesy, but her love for those around her.  She will truly be missed.</p>\r\n</div>\r\n','R.I.P Mia','','inherit','closed','closed','','21-revision-7','','','2012-05-16 12:26:09','2012-05-16 16:26:09','',21,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=31',0,'revision','',0),(32,2,'2012-05-16 12:27:21','2012-05-16 16:27:21','<div style=\"clear:right\">\r\n<h3 style=\"float:left\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia003bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p>I haven\'t posted for awhile.  The main reason for this is that Michelle and I suffered the sudden and untimely loss of our beloved Staffordshire Terrier, Mia, on April 4 of this year.  Mia was a rescue, and had come into our care from a series of uncaring owners.  We gave her the life she had longed for, only to have that time cut short. </p>\r\n</div>\r\n<div style=\"clear:right\">\r\n<h3 style=\"float:right\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia005bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p>Despite the reputation normally attributed to pit bulls, she was a beautiful and loyal animal, who never failed to convey not only her appreciation for the slightest courtesy, but her love for those around her.  She will truly be missed.</p>\r\n</div>\r\n','R.I.P Mia','','inherit','closed','closed','','21-revision-8','','','2012-05-16 12:27:21','2012-05-16 16:27:21','',21,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=32',0,'revision','',0),(33,2,'2012-05-16 12:28:09','2012-05-16 16:28:09','<div style=\"clear:right\">\r\n<h3 style=\"float:left\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia003bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p><br><br>I haven\'t posted for awhile.  The main reason for this is that Michelle and I suffered the sudden and untimely loss of our beloved Staffordshire Terrier, Mia, on April 4 of this year.  Mia was a rescue, and had come into our care from a series of uncaring owners.  We gave her the life she had longed for, only to have that time cut short. </p>\r\n</div>\r\n<br><br><br>\r\n<div style=\"clear:right\">\r\n<h3 style=\"float:right\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia005bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p>Despite the reputation normally attributed to pit bulls, she was a beautiful and loyal animal, who never failed to convey not only her appreciation for the slightest courtesy, but her love for those around her.  She will truly be missed.</p>\r\n</div>\r\n','R.I.P Mia','','inherit','closed','closed','','21-revision-9','','','2012-05-16 12:28:09','2012-05-16 16:28:09','',21,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=33',0,'revision','',0),(34,2,'2012-05-16 12:29:11','2012-05-16 16:29:11','<div style=\"clear:right\">\r\n<h3 style=\"float:left\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia003bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p><br><br>I haven\'t posted for awhile.  The main reason for this is that Michelle and I suffered the sudden and untimely loss of our beloved Staffordshire Terrier, Mia, on April 4 of this year.  Mia was a rescue, and had come into our care from a series of uncaring owners.  We gave her the life she had longed for, only to have that time cut short. </p>\r\n<br><br><br>\r\n</div>\r\n<br><br><br>\r\n<div style=\"clear:right\">\r\n<h3 style=\"float:right\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia005bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p>Despite the reputation normally attributed to pit bulls, she was a beautiful and loyal animal, who never failed to convey not only her appreciation for the slightest courtesy, but her love for those around her.  She will truly be missed.</p>\r\n</div>\r\n','R.I.P Mia','','inherit','closed','closed','','21-revision-10','','','2012-05-16 12:29:11','2012-05-16 16:29:11','',21,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=34',0,'revision','',0),(35,2,'2012-05-16 12:31:12','2012-05-16 16:31:12','<div style=\"clear:right\">\r\n<h3 style=\"float:left\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia003bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p><br><br>I haven\'t posted for awhile.  The main reason for this is that Michelle and I suffered the sudden and untimely loss of our beloved Staffordshire Terrier, Mia, on April 4 of this year.  Mia was a rescue, and had come into our care from a series of uncaring owners.  We gave her the life she had longed for, only to have that time cut short. </p>\r\n<br><br><br>\r\n</div>\r\n<h1></h1>\r\n<br><br><br>\r\n<div style=\"clear:right\">\r\n<h3 style=\"float:right\">\r\n<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/mia005bm.jpg\" alt=\"Mia\" style=\"width:200px\">\r\n</h3>\r\n<p>Despite the reputation normally attributed to pit bulls, she was a beautiful and loyal animal, who never failed to convey not only her appreciation for the slightest courtesy, but her love for those around her.  She will truly be missed.</p>\r\n</div>\r\n','R.I.P Mia','','inherit','closed','closed','','21-revision-11','','','2012-05-16 12:31:12','2012-05-16 16:31:12','',21,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=35',0,'revision','',0),(38,2,'2012-05-25 11:15:04','2012-05-25 15:15:04','<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/boris023bm.jpg\" style=\"float:right; width:250px;\" alt=\"boris\">\r\n<p>\r\nBoris, my friend and companion of 6 years, passed away on May 15, 2012, two months to the day after his bonded Nastasha passed over the rainbow bridge, and into the summerland.  These amazingly curious, always bouncy little balls of fur bring more personality and love for life into one\'s home than many people, and are so much more complex than many people realize.  He and Natasha were both rescues, and during a particularly dark period in my life, when I was struggling with a number of issues related to my auto accident a few years previous, were my only real companionship.  They helped me through a difficult time, and though Michelle and I gave him the best we could, we could never give him enough to express the value of his effect on my life.  We had a good many adventures, and although we had six good years together, it seems to have gone by in a flash.  Perhaps these little creatures live their lives in the moment because they know their time is short, and they want to enjoy as much of it as they can.<br>\r\nPerhaps we can all learn a bit from these carefree little animals.  Live life while you can, for it is over all too soon.\r\n</p>','Goodbye, Boris','','publish','closed','closed','','goodbye-boris','','','2012-05-25 11:15:04','2012-05-25 15:15:04','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=38',0,'post','',0),(39,2,'2012-05-25 11:03:19','2012-05-25 15:03:19','<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/boris023bm.jpg\" style=\"float:right\" alt=\"boris\">\n<p>\nBoris, my friend and companion of 6 years, passed away on May 15, 2012, two months to the day after his bonded Nastasha passed over the to\n</p>','Goodbye, Boris','','inherit','closed','closed','','38-revision','','','2012-05-25 11:03:19','2012-05-25 15:03:19','',38,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=39',0,'revision','',0),(40,2,'2012-05-25 11:04:19','2012-05-25 15:04:19','<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/boris023bm.jpg\" style=\"float:right. width:\" alt=\"boris\">\n<p>\nBoris, my friend and companion of 6 years, passed away on May 15, 2012, two months to the day after his bonded Nastasha passed over to the rainbow bridge into the summerland.\n</p>','Goodbye, Boris','','inherit','closed','closed','','38-revision-2','','','2012-05-25 11:04:19','2012-05-25 15:04:19','',38,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=40',0,'revision','',0),(41,2,'2012-05-25 11:04:33','2012-05-25 15:04:33','<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/boris023bm.jpg\" style=\"float:right, width:250px\" alt=\"boris\">\r\n<p>\r\nBoris, my friend and companion of 6 years, passed away on May 15, 2012, two months to the day after his bonded Nastasha passed over to the rainbow bridge into the summerland.\r\n</p>','Goodbye, Boris','','inherit','closed','closed','','38-revision-3','','','2012-05-25 11:04:33','2012-05-25 15:04:33','',38,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=41',0,'revision','',0),(42,2,'2012-05-25 11:05:21','2012-05-25 15:05:21','<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/misc/boris023bm.jpg\" style=\"float:right; width:250px;\" alt=\"boris\">\r\n<p>\r\nBoris, my friend and companion of 6 years, passed away on May 15, 2012, two months to the day after his bonded Nastasha passed over to the rainbow bridge into the summerland.\r\n</p>','Goodbye, Boris','','inherit','closed','closed','','38-revision-4','','','2012-05-25 11:05:21','2012-05-25 15:05:21','',38,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=42',0,'revision','',0),(44,2,'2012-07-20 19:28:20','2012-07-20 23:28:20','This is likely the most uncomfortable blog entry I will ever have to write, for it concerns matters and issues that are deeply, deeply personal to me, things I have never had the courage to confront until now.  It\'s a long entry, and I ask patience from those of you I have invited to read this.\r\nTo all the people I have known, to every single person in my personal life, or the lives of those close to them, to every person I have ever brought hurt, ever intimidated with my intensity or personality, to every single one that I have ever been responsible for bringing negative feelings into their lives, to every one of them, I offer my most humble, my most profound, and my deepest apologies.  I must go further than that; as part of a healing process begun in me by the love of my life, I must offer a history, an explanation for why, and I humbly ask for your patience, and for your time, to read this. It will do nothing to lessen what I have done to others, but may offer a better perspective on the underlying cause, and a better, clearer understanding of how our lives are shaped and affected by our experiences, and may even help others who have suffered similar experiences and symptoms.\r\nI say symptoms, because I can finally admit that I suffer from issues caused by my past, by my upbringing and environment, and realize for the first time, how much pain and misery those symptoms have been responsible for, not only in myself, but in all those that have known me.  I want to give all those who have been affected by these issues the facts surrounding them, so that they can understand more fully the person they know, or knew.\r\nI am not a bad person.  I am not a mean person.  I do not lie, or cheat on those I love.  I value honesty, truth, and love above all things.  I believe in the innocence and beauty of childhood.  I believe in the virtuous heart, and in true love.  I believe that all people can become better than what they are now, if they only want it bad enough.  Deep down, I believe in the goodness of humanity, and believe we are all born innocent; it is only through heartless times, cruelty, and poisoned environments, that we become less than what we could be, and in some cases, become monsters.\r\nAs far as environment, I was raised in one that was extremely toxic.  The source of this began many years ago, when my grandmother was but an infant.  Due to factors beyond her control, she was treated to nothing but disdain as a child, to bitterness and harsh, severely painful punishment and abuse, and at some point, something broke inside her.  This led to her having to live with severe psychological disorders.  Most likely, she would have been diagnosed as Histrionic, and suffering from Borderline-Personality Disorder, and possibly several others.  She was incredibly violent, prone to episodes of delusion and disassociation, and did all she could to infect everyone around her with bitterness, despair, and pain.  This in turn affected every single member of our family to come from her, in her four children, their children, and their children\'s children.  In three generations, every member of that branch of our family tree, has been affected to a great degree by those disorders.  In three generations, we have only had a single member remain married to their first partner.  Most have tried, unsuccessfully, to maintain personal relationships, and they all live in a world of depression, despair, and misery.  Three generations of suffering have sprung from one source, and no one has been spared.  The worst thing about this is, not only were these people afflicted with things that they did not deserve, but were prevented from seeking any kind of help; my grandmother had a severe matriarchal complex, and could not let anyone admit that they had a problem.  It would reflect badly on her, and such things were never allowed, which I believe is symptomatic of the above described conditions.  I had more than one opportunity as a child to be treated, to stop the darkness from taking such a strong hold on me, but my grandmother actively prevented me from seeking, or receiving, such help, including going so far as to threaten the schools I attended with lawsuit when I was seen by the school psychologist, or even a guidance counselor.  At one point in my life, when I was older, and a single parent, I attempted to remove myself from that environment, not only for my sake, but for the sake of my children, and upon learning this, she went so far as to threaten me with arrest on charges of child molestation should I attempt it.  I remember her exact words to me: \"If you ever, EVER, try to leave, I will have you arrested as a child molester, and you will never see your children again.\"  When I protested that she could never make such a ridiculous charge stick, she replied, \"who do you think they would believe? You, or your grandfather? I\'ll make him say whatever I want, and with his position, who do you think they would believe?\"  This is the extent to which that dark side of her, something that has been passed onto every member of my family, will do to protect itself.  My grandfather was a noble man, but his one weakness was that his wife could dominate him, make him believe, and do, anything she desired.  He was widely respected in legal circles, knew every judge in every court on a first name basis, and was called upon as an expert witness as part of his career.  Against such a threat, what is a twenty-two year old to do?  They were both trained investigators, and had the means to know every move I made.  Every phone conversation in my house, the entire time I lived with them was recorded, every movement monitored.  Both my brother and I were often followed, both by my grandparents, and by trained private investigators, our day to day lives scrutinized, and any attempt we made to grow as human beings, to become strong, or confident, or independent, was destroyed before it could take root.\r\nAsk yourself, what hope does a young man have against such things?\r\nThis is not an excuse, but merely an attempt to show how much we, as children, and later, adults, suffered, the enormity of just how difficult it was to try to do anything that would result in us shaking free of the toxic feelings and environment we were being poisoned with.  Both my grandmother and my mother were afflicted, and they continued (and still continue) to give a concentrated dose of that darkness to all around them at every opportunity.  Unlike some, I have had that source maintain a presence in my life for almost all my days.\r\nAs a result, I grew up with absolutely no real sense of confidence, absolutely no sense of worth or value as a human being, or even a clue as how to attain those things.  As an artistic, empathetic, emotional being, I could not face this, and the pain it brought, and constructed a false front that was so convincing, it fooled even me.  I wanted people to think I was invulnerable to pain, to insult, and wanted to project that in a way that would ensure I never had to worry about being hurt again, and I did it so well, that I allowed it to build an almost impenetrable shield around the real Michael Vain.  That person was still in there, and on all those occasions, those occasions where I was cruel, where I projected that aura of intimidation and intensity, it would speak up, would try to prevent me from doing what that part of me, the vital, feeling part, knew was not right. So many times, I ignored that voice.  I allowed that part of me to continue unchecked, and made decisions that did nothing but protect that darkness, rather than shine light on it.\r\nOccasionally, I got it right, and did listen to what it had to say.  In my twenties, I met a very nice young girl when I owned my comic book store (I\'m not going to name names; she knows who she is) and though there was an attraction between us, I knew that for us to be any closer than we were would only end in disaster.  Not only because of my condition, but because that inner part of me has always been more connected to the source, more connected to the Universe, than any other part of me, and it knew that we were meant to only be friends.  If that person is reading this, they may remember me saying, \"Yes, I understand that there is this attraction, but for me to cross that line would be wrong for both of us.\"  I did not say this to her for any other reason, than I was acting on the part of me that was untainted, that one little part of me that I managed to hide from that darkness, and allowed it to speak through it for the sake of sparing greater pain to all involved.  It was one of the few times in my life that I have managed to clear that darkness away, to speak and act only with that part of me.  That emotional part, the part of me hidden behind all the rest, has never lied to me, and has never been wrong in its assessment, in its connection, to myself, my future, and of the feelings and lives of those around me.  In every case where I did not listen to that voice, on every single occasion where I allowed myself to think \'I know what I am doing\', and acted from that shell, that place of intensity, I found that I was wrong.\r\nAlthough I knew I suffered from something dark, something that was not right, I allowed it to continue, and for that, I am deeply sorry to every one of you reading this.  It was the easier way, the way that felt safe after so many years of being ingrained as the only real option, and it did nothing but allow me to remain in suffering, and bring it to others in some shape or form, whether it be from breaking their heart, to being an asshole when I didn\'t get good customer service from MacDonald\'s.\r\nBut as is so often the case in the world, there is a greater purpose for everything.  To those who believe in God, they know and believe He intervenes in the lives of those who most need him.  For those who believe and know that there are greater forces at work than we can understand, know that these forces can come together in the same way, when the time and the need are right.  In my case, it took the form of meeting the one person that could help me, the one person who could see me as I was and not be afraid, and who could not only set me on the path to healing, but provide me with those things I felt had been missing from all of my life until that moment, the most incredible woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  This is not an insult to those I have known, or have known, but merely a statement of truth, not meant to diminish in any way anyone else, but is no less true.  This woman and I met under circumstances that I will not detail here, save to say that it defies explanation, and cannot be trivialized, or put down to random chance, and can only be described as Divine Intervention.  In the time after we met, I was allowed to see my life through the eyes of that inner, better me, to see what life could be like for myself without my dark passenger, and to experience life and love to a degree that I always wished for, but could not believe existed.  We discovered things about each other that astounded us, amazed us, for every facet of our being was mirrored in the other.  This was both incredibly wonderful, and at the same time sad, for we also mirrored the dark things within ourselves.  Everything about us is alike, or so similar that it might as well be called such, down to how we perceive the world.  True, she was much better at expressing herself emotionally than I was, as she was younger and not exposed to the sources of the darkness for as long, but it existed in equal proportion within us.  At that point, we should have seen that we needed to help each other, and gone together into counseling or therapy, so that we might enjoy the benefits and honored the opportunity we were being presented with, but we did not; in our ignorance, we thought all we needed to be happy was each other.  This is an illusion; such darkness will not go away on its own.  Whether it be a psychological disorder, a mental illness, or a spiritual cancer, it will not cure itself, and though the light from another may cause it to fade for awhile, the shadows will always linger, and eventually will grow stronger.  Because of this person, I finally found the inspiration, the strength, the conviction, and the means to begin healing.  I am writing this as part of that process, to tell all of you the nature of my affliction, to apologize for any and all affects the symptoms of that affliction has caused, and to implore anyone else suffering from depression, or any other disorder or affliction, to seek help.  We are given opportunities, some subtle, some, as in my case, the equivalent of a slap upside the head by the universe itself, to take a path that can lead to a better life, a permanent remission, if not an outright cure, to those afflictions, that can last the rest of our lives, and make them more meaningful, more real, than we could ever believe.  Do whatever it takes, but listen to those clues, listen to that voice inside if it ever says \'you may need help\'. Seek out those qualified to help you in those times where you need it most.  Do not hide it, or be ashamed; there are forces out there greater than ourselves, and if it speaks to you that need to be healed, that you are suffering, then listen to it, submit to it.  Do not fight it, or cover it up with darkness, or anger, or even indifference.  Do not allow that affliction to masquerade as truth.  This may mean taking what appears to be, and in many cases is, the harder path, but that is the only way we can heal, and is often the one thing we need to be able have the peace, the love, and the life, we desire. We all, as human beings, deserve better of ourselves than to take the easy path, for we can, and do, deserve the rewards that lie upon that path, for they will always be greater, and more meaningful to our lives, than that which we achieve at no cost.\r\nI truly believe that everything happens in our lives for a reason, and the test for us is to see the reasoning, the mechanism or power behind the events, even if the events themselves are painful, even if they rip our heart out, and accept that pain as a necessary part of healing and growth.  It all has a purpose, and if we surrender to that purpose, then we will be given a life that would be unattainable otherwise. I have surrendered myself to that greater will, and in doing so, have come to see with a scale and clarity I have never imagined possible, and have finally begun the process of being healed of this affliction.  With that, has come an understanding of the effects, large and small, that I have had on others, and the deeper part of me, that part that was never lied to me, compels me to reach out to all of you, with the hope that you will see me for what I really am, and to accept my sorrow and regret, my deepest apologies, for allowing that dark part of me to ever affect any of you.  I will do whatever the Universe desires of me to heal, and to make up for the pain I have caused others in my life. I am not yet sure where that will lead me, but I do know that the universe will reward us, if we only allow ourselves to earn it.\r\nI can only hope that this is the start of something positive and new, and will be satisfied if even one person is affected in a positive way by it.\r\n  \r\n\r\nThank you for reading.\r\n\r\n~Michael Vain\r\nJuly 20, 2012','A Message to All I Have Known and Loved','','private','closed','closed','','a-message-to-all-i-have-known-and-loved','','','2013-03-21 15:33:53','2013-03-21 19:33:53','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=44',0,'post','',0),(45,2,'2012-07-20 12:05:18','2012-07-20 16:05:18','This is likely the most uncomfortable blog entry I will ever have to write, for it concerns matters and issues that are deeply, deeply personal to me, things I have never had the courage to confront until now.\nTo all the people I have known, to every single person in my personal life, or the lives of those close to them, to every person I have ever brought hurt, ever intimidated with my intensity or personality, to every single one that I have ever been responsible for bringing negative feelings into their lives, to every one of them, I offer my most humble, my most profound, and my deepest apologies.  I must go further than that; as part of a healing process begun in me by the love of my life, I must offer a history, an explanation for why, and I humbly ask for your patience, and for your time, to read this. It will do nothing to lessen what I have done to others, but may offer a better perspective on the underlying cause, and a better, clearer understanding of how our lives are shaped and affected by our experiences, and may even help others who have suffered similar experiences and symptoms.\nI say symptoms, because I can finally admit that I suffer from issues caused by my past, by my upbringing and environment, and realize for the first time, how much pain and misery those symptoms have been responsible for, not only in myself, but in all those that have known me.  I want to give all those who have been affected by these issues the facts surrounding them, so that they can understand more fully the person they know, or knew.\nI am not a bad person.  I am not a mean person.  I do not lie, or cheat on those I love.  I value honesty, truth, and love above all things.  I believe in the virtuous heart, and in true love.  I believe that all people can become better than what they are now, if they only want it bad enough.  Deep down, I believe in the goodness of humanity, and believe we are all born innocent; it is only through heartless times, cruelty, and poisoned environments, that we become less than what we could be, and in some cases, become monsters.\nAs far as environment, I was raised in one that was extremely toxic.  The source of this began many years ago, when my grandmother was but an infant.  Due to factors beyond her control, she was treated to nothing but disdain as a child, to bitterness and harsh, severely painful punishment and abuse, and at some point, something broke inside her.  This led to her having to live with severe psychological disorders.  Most likely, she would have been diagnosed as Histrionic, and suffering from Borderline-Personality Disorder, and possibly several others.  She was incredibly violent, prone to episodes of delusion and disassociation, and did all she could to infect everyone around her with bitterness, despair, and pain.  This in turn affected every single member of our family to come from her, in her four children, their children, and their children\'s children.  In three generations, every member of the that branch of our family tree, has been affected to a great degree by those disorders.  In three generations, we have only had a single member remain married to their first partner.  Three generations of misery have sprung from one source, and no one has been spared.  The worst thing about this is, not only were these people afflicted with things that they did not deserve, but were prevented from seeking any kind of help; my grandmother had a severe matriarchal complex, and could not let anyone admit that they had a problem; it would reflect badly on her, and such things were never allowed, which I believe is symptomatic of the above described conditions.  I had more than one opportunity as a child to be treated, to stop the darkness from taking such a strong hold on me, but my grandmother actively prevented me from seeking, or receiving, such help.  At one point in my life, when I was older, and a single parent, I attempted to remove myself from that environment, not only for my sake, but for the sake of my children, and upon learning this, she went so far as to threaten me with arrest on charges of child molestation should I attempt it.  I remember her exact words to me: \"If you ever, EVER, try to leave, I will have you arrested as a child molester, and you will never see your children again.\"  When I protested that she could never make such a ridiculous charge stick, she replied, \"who do you think they would believe? You, or your grandfather? I\'ll make him say whatever I want, and with his position, who do you think they would believe?\"  This is the extent to which that dark side of her, something that has been passed onto every member of my family, will do to protect itself.  My grandfather was a noble man, but his one weakness was that his wife could dominate him, make him believe, and do, anything she desired.  He was widely respected in legal circles, knew every judge in every court on a first name basis, and was called upon as an expert witness as part of his career.  Against such a threat, what is a twenty-two year old to do?  They were both trained investigators, and had the means to know every move I made.  Every phone conversation in my house, the entire time I lived with them was recorded, every movement monitored.  Both my brother and I were often followed, both by my grandparents, and by trained private investigators, our day to day lives scrutinized, and any attempt we made to grow as human beings, to become strong, or confident, or independent, destroyed before it could take root.\nAsk yourself, what hope does a young man have against such things?\nThis is not an excuse, but merely an attempt to show how much we, as children, and later, adults, suffered, the enormity of just how difficult it was to try to do anything that would result in us shaking free of the toxic feelings and environment we were being poisoned with.  \nAs a result, I grew up with absolutely no real sense of confidence, absolutely no sense of worth or value as a human being, or even a clue as how to attain those things.  As an artistic, empathetic, emotional being, I could not face this, and the pain it brought, and constructed a false front that was so convincing, it fooled even me.  I wanted people to think I was invulnerable to pain, to insult, and wanted to project that in a way that would ensure I never had to worry about being hurt again, and I did it so well, that I allowed it to build an almost impenetrable shield around the real Michael Vain.  That person was still in there, and on all those occasions, those occasions where I was cruel, where I projected that aura of intimidation and intensity, it would speak up, would try to prevent me from doing what that part of me, the vital, feeling part, knew was not right. So many times, I ignored that voice.  I allowed that part of me to continue unchecked, and made decisions that did nothing but protect that darkness, rather than shine light on it.\nOccasionally, I got it right, and did listen to what it had to say.  In my twenties, I met a very nice young girl when I owned my comic book store (I\'m not going to name names; she knows who she is) and though there was an attraction between us, I knew that for us to be any closer than we were would only end in disaster.  Not only because of my condition, but because that inner part of me has always been more connected to the source, more connected to the Universe, than any other part of me, and it knew that we were meant to only be friends.  If that person is reading this, they may remember me saying, \"Yes, I understand that there is this attraction, but for me to cross that line would be wrong for both of us.\"  I did not say this to her for any other reason, than I was acting on the part of me that was untainted, that one little part of me that I managed to hide from that darkness, and allowed it to speak through it for the sake of sparing greater pain to all involved.  It was one of the few times that I ','A Message to All I Have Known and Loved','','inherit','closed','closed','','44-revision','','','2012-07-20 12:05:18','2012-07-20 16:05:18','',44,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=45',0,'revision','',0),(46,2,'2012-07-20 12:45:08','2012-07-20 16:45:08','This is likely the most uncomfortable blog entry I will ever have to write, for it concerns matters and issues that are deeply, deeply personal to me, things I have never had the courage to confront until now.  It\'s a long entry, and I ask patience from those of you I have invited to read this.\nTo all the people I have known, to every single person in my personal life, or the lives of those close to them, to every person I have ever brought hurt, ever intimidated with my intensity or personality, to every single one that I have ever been responsible for bringing negative feelings into their lives, to every one of them, I offer my most humble, my most profound, and my deepest apologies.  I must go further than that; as part of a healing process begun in me by the love of my life, I must offer a history, an explanation for why, and I humbly ask for your patience, and for your time, to read this. It will do nothing to lessen what I have done to others, but may offer a better perspective on the underlying cause, and a better, clearer understanding of how our lives are shaped and affected by our experiences, and may even help others who have suffered similar experiences and symptoms.\nI say symptoms, because I can finally admit that I suffer from issues caused by my past, by my upbringing and environment, and realize for the first time, how much pain and misery those symptoms have been responsible for, not only in myself, but in all those that have known me.  I want to give all those who have been affected by these issues the facts surrounding them, so that they can understand more fully the person they know, or knew.\nI am not a bad person.  I am not a mean person.  I do not lie, or cheat on those I love.  I value honesty, truth, and love above all things.  I believe in the innocence and beauty of childhood.  I believe in the virtuous heart, and in true love.  I believe that all people can become better than what they are now, if they only want it bad enough.  Deep down, I believe in the goodness of humanity, and believe we are all born innocent; it is only through heartless times, cruelty, and poisoned environments, that we become less than what we could be, and in some cases, become monsters.\nAs far as environment, I was raised in one that was extremely toxic.  The source of this began many years ago, when my grandmother was but an infant.  Due to factors beyond her control, she was treated to nothing but disdain as a child, to bitterness and harsh, severely painful punishment and abuse, and at some point, something broke inside her.  This led to her having to live with severe psychological disorders.  Most likely, she would have been diagnosed as Histrionic, and suffering from Borderline-Personality Disorder, and possibly several others.  She was incredibly violent, prone to episodes of delusion and disassociation, and did all she could to infect everyone around her with bitterness, despair, and pain.  This in turn affected every single member of our family to come from her, in her four children, their children, and their children\'s children.  In three generations, every member of that branch of our family tree, has been affected to a great degree by those disorders.  In three generations, we have only had a single member remain married to their first partner.  Most have tried, unsuccessfully, to maintain personal relationships, and they all live in a world of depression, despair, and misery.  Three generations of suffering have sprung from one source, and no one has been spared.  The worst thing about this is, not only were these people afflicted with things that they did not deserve, but were prevented from seeking any kind of help; my grandmother had a severe matriarchal complex, and could not let anyone admit that they had a problem.  It would reflect badly on her, and such things were never allowed, which I believe is symptomatic of the above described conditions.  I had more than one opportunity as a child to be treated, to stop the darkness from taking such a strong hold on me, but my grandmother actively prevented me from seeking, or receiving, such help, including going so far as to threaten the schools I attended with lawsuit when I was seen by the school psychologist, or even a guidance counselor.  At one point in my life, when I was older, and a single parent, I attempted to remove myself from that environment, not only for my sake, but for the sake of my children, and upon learning this, she went so far as to threaten me with arrest on charges of child molestation should I attempt it.  I remember her exact words to me: \"If you ever, EVER, try to leave, I will have you arrested as a child molester, and you will never see your children again.\"  When I protested that she could never make such a ridiculous charge stick, she replied, \"who do you think they would believe? You, or your grandfather? I\'ll make him say whatever I want, and with his position, who do you think they would believe?\"  This is the extent to which that dark side of her, something that has been passed onto every member of my family, will do to protect itself.  My grandfather was a noble man, but his one weakness was that his wife could dominate him, make him believe, and do, anything she desired.  He was widely respected in legal circles, knew every judge in every court on a first name basis, and was called upon as an expert witness as part of his career.  Against such a threat, what is a twenty-two year old to do?  They were both trained investigators, and had the means to know every move I made.  Every phone conversation in my house, the entire time I lived with them was recorded, every movement monitored.  Both my brother and I were often followed, both by my grandparents, and by trained private investigators, our day to day lives scrutinized, and any attempt we made to grow as human beings, to become strong, or confident, or independent, destroyed before it could take root.\nAsk yourself, what hope does a young man have against such things?\nThis is not an excuse, but merely an attempt to show how much we, as children, and later, adults, suffered, the enormity of just how difficult it was to try to do anything that would result in us shaking free of the toxic feelings and environment we were being poisoned with.  Both my grandmother and my mother were afflicted, and they continued (and still continue) to give a concentrated dose of that darkness to all around them at every opportunity.  Unlike some, I have had that source maintain a presence in my life for almost all my days.\nAs a result, I grew up with absolutely no real sense of confidence, absolutely no sense of worth or value as a human being, or even a clue as how to attain those things.  As an artistic, empathetic, emotional being, I could not face this, and the pain it brought, and constructed a false front that was so convincing, it fooled even me.  I wanted people to think I was invulnerable to pain, to insult, and wanted to project that in a way that would ensure I never had to worry about being hurt again, and I did it so well, that I allowed it to build an almost impenetrable shield around the real Michael Vain.  That person was still in there, and on all those occasions, those occasions where I was cruel, where I projected that aura of intimidation and intensity, it would speak up, would try to prevent me from doing what that part of me, the vital, feeling part, knew was not right. So many times, I ignored that voice.  I allowed that part of me to continue unchecked, and made decisions that did nothing but protect that darkness, rather than shine light on it.\nOccasionally, I got it right, and did listen to what it had to say.  In my twenties, I met a very nice young girl when I owned my comic book store (I\'m not going to name names; she knows who she is) and though there was an attraction between us, I knew that for us to be any closer than we were would only end in disaster.  Not only because of my condition, but because that inner part of me has always been more connected to the source, more connected to the Universe, than any other part of me, and it knew that we were meant to only be friends.  If that person is reading this, they may remember me saying, \"Yes, I understand that there is this attraction, but for me to cross that line would be wrong for both of us.\"  I did not say this to her for any other reason, than I was acting on the part of me that was untainted, that one little part of me that I managed to hide from that darkness, and allowed it to speak through it for the sake of sparing greater pain to all involved.  It was one of the few times in my life that I have managed to clear that darkness away, to speak and act only with that part of me.  That emotional part, the part of me hidden behind all the rest, has never lied to me, and has never been wrong in its assessment, in its connection, to myself, my future, and of the feelings and lives of those around me.  In every case where I did not listen to that voice, on every single occasion where I allowed myself to think \'I know what I am doing\', and acted from that shell, that place of intensity, I found that I was wrong.\nAlthough I knew I suffered from something dark, something that was not right, I allowed it to continue, and for that, I am deeply sorry to every one of you reading this.  It was the easier way, the way that felt safe after so many years of being ingrained as the only real option, and it did nothing but allow me to remain in suffering, and bring it to others in some shape or form, whether it be from breaking their heart, to being an asshole when I didn\'t get good customer service from MacDonald\'s.\nBut as is so often the case in the world, there is a greater purpose for everything.  To those who believe in God, they know and believe He intervenes in the lives of those who most need him.  For those who believe and know that there are greater forces at work than we can understand, know that these forces can come together in the same way, when the time and the need are right.  In my case, it took the form of meeting the one person that could help me, the one person who could see me as I was and not be afraid, and who could not only set me on the path to healing, but provide me with those things I felt had been missing from all of my life until that moment, the most incredible woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  This is not an insult to those I have known, or have known, but merely a statement of truth, not meant to diminish in any way anyone else, but is no less true.  This woman and I met under circumstances that I will not detail here, save to say that it defies explanation, and cannot be trivialized, or put down to random chance, and can only be described as Divine Intervention.  In the time after we met, I was allowed to see my life through the eyes of that inner, better me, to see what life could be like for myself without my dark passenger, and to experience life and love to a degree that I always wished for, but could not believe existed.  We discovered things about each other that astounded us, amazed us, for every facet of our being was mirrored in the other.  This was both incredibly wonderful, and at the same time sad, for we also mirrored the dark things within ourselves.  Everything about us is alike, or so similar that it might as well be called such, down to how we perceive the world.  True, she was much better at expressing herself emotionally than I was, as she was younger and not exposed to the sources of the darkness for as long, but it existed in equal proportion within us.  At that point, we should have seen that we needed to help each other, and gone together into counseling or therapy, so that we might enjoy the benefits and honored the opportunity we were being presented with, but we did not; in our ignorance, we thought all we needed to be happy was each other.  This is an illusion; such darkness will not go away on its own.  Whether it be a psychological disorder, a mental illness, or a spiritual cancer, it will not cure itself, and though the light from another may cause it to fade for awhile, the shadows will always linger, and eventually will grow stronger.','A Message to All I Have Known and Loved','','inherit','closed','closed','','44-revision-2','','','2012-07-20 12:45:08','2012-07-20 16:45:08','',44,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=46',0,'revision','',0),(47,2,'2012-07-20 13:26:46','2012-07-20 17:26:46','This is likely the most uncomfortable blog entry I will ever have to write, for it concerns matters and issues that are deeply, deeply personal to me, things I have never had the courage to confront until now.  It\'s a long entry, and I ask patience from those of you I have invited to read this.\nTo all the people I have known, to every single person in my personal life, or the lives of those close to them, to every person I have ever brought hurt, ever intimidated with my intensity or personality, to every single one that I have ever been responsible for bringing negative feelings into their lives, to every one of them, I offer my most humble, my most profound, and my deepest apologies.  I must go further than that; as part of a healing process begun in me by the love of my life, I must offer a history, an explanation for why, and I humbly ask for your patience, and for your time, to read this. It will do nothing to lessen what I have done to others, but may offer a better perspective on the underlying cause, and a better, clearer understanding of how our lives are shaped and affected by our experiences, and may even help others who have suffered similar experiences and symptoms.\nI say symptoms, because I can finally admit that I suffer from issues caused by my past, by my upbringing and environment, and realize for the first time, how much pain and misery those symptoms have been responsible for, not only in myself, but in all those that have known me.  I want to give all those who have been affected by these issues the facts surrounding them, so that they can understand more fully the person they know, or knew.\nI am not a bad person.  I am not a mean person.  I do not lie, or cheat on those I love.  I value honesty, truth, and love above all things.  I believe in the innocence and beauty of childhood.  I believe in the virtuous heart, and in true love.  I believe that all people can become better than what they are now, if they only want it bad enough.  Deep down, I believe in the goodness of humanity, and believe we are all born innocent; it is only through heartless times, cruelty, and poisoned environments, that we become less than what we could be, and in some cases, become monsters.\nAs far as environment, I was raised in one that was extremely toxic.  The source of this began many years ago, when my grandmother was but an infant.  Due to factors beyond her control, she was treated to nothing but disdain as a child, to bitterness and harsh, severely painful punishment and abuse, and at some point, something broke inside her.  This led to her having to live with severe psychological disorders.  Most likely, she would have been diagnosed as Histrionic, and suffering from Borderline-Personality Disorder, and possibly several others.  She was incredibly violent, prone to episodes of delusion and disassociation, and did all she could to infect everyone around her with bitterness, despair, and pain.  This in turn affected every single member of our family to come from her, in her four children, their children, and their children\'s children.  In three generations, every member of that branch of our family tree, has been affected to a great degree by those disorders.  In three generations, we have only had a single member remain married to their first partner.  Most have tried, unsuccessfully, to maintain personal relationships, and they all live in a world of depression, despair, and misery.  Three generations of suffering have sprung from one source, and no one has been spared.  The worst thing about this is, not only were these people afflicted with things that they did not deserve, but were prevented from seeking any kind of help; my grandmother had a severe matriarchal complex, and could not let anyone admit that they had a problem.  It would reflect badly on her, and such things were never allowed, which I believe is symptomatic of the above described conditions.  I had more than one opportunity as a child to be treated, to stop the darkness from taking such a strong hold on me, but my grandmother actively prevented me from seeking, or receiving, such help, including going so far as to threaten the schools I attended with lawsuit when I was seen by the school psychologist, or even a guidance counselor.  At one point in my life, when I was older, and a single parent, I attempted to remove myself from that environment, not only for my sake, but for the sake of my children, and upon learning this, she went so far as to threaten me with arrest on charges of child molestation should I attempt it.  I remember her exact words to me: \"If you ever, EVER, try to leave, I will have you arrested as a child molester, and you will never see your children again.\"  When I protested that she could never make such a ridiculous charge stick, she replied, \"who do you think they would believe? You, or your grandfather? I\'ll make him say whatever I want, and with his position, who do you think they would believe?\"  This is the extent to which that dark side of her, something that has been passed onto every member of my family, will do to protect itself.  My grandfather was a noble man, but his one weakness was that his wife could dominate him, make him believe, and do, anything she desired.  He was widely respected in legal circles, knew every judge in every court on a first name basis, and was called upon as an expert witness as part of his career.  Against such a threat, what is a twenty-two year old to do?  They were both trained investigators, and had the means to know every move I made.  Every phone conversation in my house, the entire time I lived with them was recorded, every movement monitored.  Both my brother and I were often followed, both by my grandparents, and by trained private investigators, our day to day lives scrutinized, and any attempt we made to grow as human beings, to become strong, or confident, or independent, destroyed before it could take root.\nAsk yourself, what hope does a young man have against such things?\nThis is not an excuse, but merely an attempt to show how much we, as children, and later, adults, suffered, the enormity of just how difficult it was to try to do anything that would result in us shaking free of the toxic feelings and environment we were being poisoned with.  Both my grandmother and my mother were afflicted, and they continued (and still continue) to give a concentrated dose of that darkness to all around them at every opportunity.  Unlike some, I have had that source maintain a presence in my life for almost all my days.\nAs a result, I grew up with absolutely no real sense of confidence, absolutely no sense of worth or value as a human being, or even a clue as how to attain those things.  As an artistic, empathetic, emotional being, I could not face this, and the pain it brought, and constructed a false front that was so convincing, it fooled even me.  I wanted people to think I was invulnerable to pain, to insult, and wanted to project that in a way that would ensure I never had to worry about being hurt again, and I did it so well, that I allowed it to build an almost impenetrable shield around the real Michael Vain.  That person was still in there, and on all those occasions, those occasions where I was cruel, where I projected that aura of intimidation and intensity, it would speak up, would try to prevent me from doing what that part of me, the vital, feeling part, knew was not right. So many times, I ignored that voice.  I allowed that part of me to continue unchecked, and made decisions that did nothing but protect that darkness, rather than shine light on it.\nOccasionally, I got it right, and did listen to what it had to say.  In my twenties, I met a very nice young girl when I owned my comic book store (I\'m not going to name names; she knows who she is) and though there was an attraction between us, I knew that for us to be any closer than we were would only end in disaster.  Not only because of my condition, but because that inner part of me has always been more connected to the source, more connected to the Universe, than any other part of me, and it knew that we were meant to only be friends.  If that person is reading this, they may remember me saying, \"Yes, I understand that there is this attraction, but for me to cross that line would be wrong for both of us.\"  I did not say this to her for any other reason, than I was acting on the part of me that was untainted, that one little part of me that I managed to hide from that darkness, and allowed it to speak through it for the sake of sparing greater pain to all involved.  It was one of the few times in my life that I have managed to clear that darkness away, to speak and act only with that part of me.  That emotional part, the part of me hidden behind all the rest, has never lied to me, and has never been wrong in its assessment, in its connection, to myself, my future, and of the feelings and lives of those around me.  In every case where I did not listen to that voice, on every single occasion where I allowed myself to think \'I know what I am doing\', and acted from that shell, that place of intensity, I found that I was wrong.\nAlthough I knew I suffered from something dark, something that was not right, I allowed it to continue, and for that, I am deeply sorry to every one of you reading this.  It was the easier way, the way that felt safe after so many years of being ingrained as the only real option, and it did nothing but allow me to remain in suffering, and bring it to others in some shape or form, whether it be from breaking their heart, to being an asshole when I didn\'t get good customer service from MacDonald\'s.\nBut as is so often the case in the world, there is a greater purpose for everything.  To those who believe in God, they know and believe He intervenes in the lives of those who most need him.  For those who believe and know that there are greater forces at work than we can understand, know that these forces can come together in the same way, when the time and the need are right.  In my case, it took the form of meeting the one person that could help me, the one person who could see me as I was and not be afraid, and who could not only set me on the path to healing, but provide me with those things I felt had been missing from all of my life until that moment, the most incredible woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  This is not an insult to those I have known, or have known, but merely a statement of truth, not meant to diminish in any way anyone else, but is no less true.  This woman and I met under circumstances that I will not detail here, save to say that it defies explanation, and cannot be trivialized, or put down to random chance, and can only be described as Divine Intervention.  In the time after we met, I was allowed to see my life through the eyes of that inner, better me, to see what life could be like for myself without my dark passenger, and to experience life and love to a degree that I always wished for, but could not believe existed.  We discovered things about each other that astounded us, amazed us, for every facet of our being was mirrored in the other.  This was both incredibly wonderful, and at the same time sad, for we also mirrored the dark things within ourselves.  Everything about us is alike, or so similar that it might as well be called such, down to how we perceive the world.  True, she was much better at expressing herself emotionally than I was, as she was younger and not exposed to the sources of the darkness for as long, but it existed in equal proportion within us.  At that point, we should have seen that we needed to help each other, and gone together into counseling or therapy, so that we might enjoy the benefits and honored the opportunity we were being presented with, but we did not; in our ignorance, we thought all we needed to be happy was each other.  This is an illusion; such darkness will not go away on its own.  Whether it be a psychological disorder, a mental illness, or a spiritual cancer, it will not cure itself, and though the light from another may cause it to fade for awhile, the shadows will always linger, and eventually will grow stronger.  Because of this person, I finally found the inspiration, the strength, the conviction, and the means to begin healing.  I am writing this as part of that process, to tell all of you the nature of my affliction, to apologize for any and all affects the symptoms of that affliction has caused, and to implore anyone else suffering from depression, or any other disorder or affliction, to seek help.  We are given opportunities, some subtle, some, as in my case, the equivalent of a slap upside the head by the universe itself, to take a path that can lead to a better life, a permanent remission, if not an outright cure, to those afflictions, that can last the rest of our lives, and make them more meaningful, more real, than we could ever believe.  Do whatever it takes, but listen to those clues, listen to that voice inside if it ever says \'you may need help\'. Seek out those qualified to help you in those times where you need it most.  Do not hide it, or be ashamed; there are forces out there greater than ourselves, and if it speaks to you that need to be healed, that you are suffering, then listen to it, submit to it.  Do not fight it, or cover it up with darkness, or anger, or even indifference.  Do not allow that affliction to masquerade as truth.  This may mean taking what appears to be, and in many cases is, the harder path, but that is the only way we can heal, and is often the one thing we need to be able have the peace, the love, and the life, we desire. We all, as human beings, deserve better of ourselves than to take the easy path, for we can, and do, deserve the rewards that lie upon that path, for they will always be greater, and more meaningful to our lives, than that which we achieve at no cost.\nI truly believe that everything happens in our lives for a reason, and the test for us is to see the reasoning, the mechanism or power behind the events, even if the events themselves are painful, even if they rip our heart out, and accept that pain as a necessary part of healing and growth.  It all has a purpose, and if we surrender to that purpose, then we will be given a life that would be unattainable otherwise. I have surrendered myself to that greater will, and in doing so, have come to see with a scale and clarity I have never imagined possible, and have finally begun the process of being healed of this affliction.  With that, has come an understanding of the effects, large and small, that I have had on others, and the deeper part of me, that part that was never lied to me, compels me to reach out to all of you, with the hope that you will see me for what I really am, and to accept my sorrow and regret, my deepest apologies, for allowing that dark part of me to ever affect any of you.  I will do whatever the Universe desires of me to heal, and to make up for the pain I have caused others in my life. I am not yet sure where that will lead me, but I do know that the universe will reward us, if we only allow ourselves to earn it.\n  \n\nThank you for reading.\n\n~Michael Vain\nJuly 20, 2012','A Message to All I Have Known and Loved','','inherit','closed','closed','','44-revision-3','','','2012-07-20 13:26:46','2012-07-20 17:26:46','',44,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=47',0,'revision','',0),(48,2,'2012-07-20 13:26:50','2012-07-20 17:26:50','This is likely the most uncomfortable blog entry I will ever have to write, for it concerns matters and issues that are deeply, deeply personal to me, things I have never had the courage to confront until now.  It\'s a long entry, and I ask patience from those of you I have invited to read this.\r\nTo all the people I have known, to every single person in my personal life, or the lives of those close to them, to every person I have ever brought hurt, ever intimidated with my intensity or personality, to every single one that I have ever been responsible for bringing negative feelings into their lives, to every one of them, I offer my most humble, my most profound, and my deepest apologies.  I must go further than that; as part of a healing process begun in me by the love of my life, I must offer a history, an explanation for why, and I humbly ask for your patience, and for your time, to read this. It will do nothing to lessen what I have done to others, but may offer a better perspective on the underlying cause, and a better, clearer understanding of how our lives are shaped and affected by our experiences, and may even help others who have suffered similar experiences and symptoms.\r\nI say symptoms, because I can finally admit that I suffer from issues caused by my past, by my upbringing and environment, and realize for the first time, how much pain and misery those symptoms have been responsible for, not only in myself, but in all those that have known me.  I want to give all those who have been affected by these issues the facts surrounding them, so that they can understand more fully the person they know, or knew.\r\nI am not a bad person.  I am not a mean person.  I do not lie, or cheat on those I love.  I value honesty, truth, and love above all things.  I believe in the innocence and beauty of childhood.  I believe in the virtuous heart, and in true love.  I believe that all people can become better than what they are now, if they only want it bad enough.  Deep down, I believe in the goodness of humanity, and believe we are all born innocent; it is only through heartless times, cruelty, and poisoned environments, that we become less than what we could be, and in some cases, become monsters.\r\nAs far as environment, I was raised in one that was extremely toxic.  The source of this began many years ago, when my grandmother was but an infant.  Due to factors beyond her control, she was treated to nothing but disdain as a child, to bitterness and harsh, severely painful punishment and abuse, and at some point, something broke inside her.  This led to her having to live with severe psychological disorders.  Most likely, she would have been diagnosed as Histrionic, and suffering from Borderline-Personality Disorder, and possibly several others.  She was incredibly violent, prone to episodes of delusion and disassociation, and did all she could to infect everyone around her with bitterness, despair, and pain.  This in turn affected every single member of our family to come from her, in her four children, their children, and their children\'s children.  In three generations, every member of that branch of our family tree, has been affected to a great degree by those disorders.  In three generations, we have only had a single member remain married to their first partner.  Most have tried, unsuccessfully, to maintain personal relationships, and they all live in a world of depression, despair, and misery.  Three generations of suffering have sprung from one source, and no one has been spared.  The worst thing about this is, not only were these people afflicted with things that they did not deserve, but were prevented from seeking any kind of help; my grandmother had a severe matriarchal complex, and could not let anyone admit that they had a problem.  It would reflect badly on her, and such things were never allowed, which I believe is symptomatic of the above described conditions.  I had more than one opportunity as a child to be treated, to stop the darkness from taking such a strong hold on me, but my grandmother actively prevented me from seeking, or receiving, such help, including going so far as to threaten the schools I attended with lawsuit when I was seen by the school psychologist, or even a guidance counselor.  At one point in my life, when I was older, and a single parent, I attempted to remove myself from that environment, not only for my sake, but for the sake of my children, and upon learning this, she went so far as to threaten me with arrest on charges of child molestation should I attempt it.  I remember her exact words to me: \"If you ever, EVER, try to leave, I will have you arrested as a child molester, and you will never see your children again.\"  When I protested that she could never make such a ridiculous charge stick, she replied, \"who do you think they would believe? You, or your grandfather? I\'ll make him say whatever I want, and with his position, who do you think they would believe?\"  This is the extent to which that dark side of her, something that has been passed onto every member of my family, will do to protect itself.  My grandfather was a noble man, but his one weakness was that his wife could dominate him, make him believe, and do, anything she desired.  He was widely respected in legal circles, knew every judge in every court on a first name basis, and was called upon as an expert witness as part of his career.  Against such a threat, what is a twenty-two year old to do?  They were both trained investigators, and had the means to know every move I made.  Every phone conversation in my house, the entire time I lived with them was recorded, every movement monitored.  Both my brother and I were often followed, both by my grandparents, and by trained private investigators, our day to day lives scrutinized, and any attempt we made to grow as human beings, to become strong, or confident, or independent, destroyed before it could take root.\r\nAsk yourself, what hope does a young man have against such things?\r\nThis is not an excuse, but merely an attempt to show how much we, as children, and later, adults, suffered, the enormity of just how difficult it was to try to do anything that would result in us shaking free of the toxic feelings and environment we were being poisoned with.  Both my grandmother and my mother were afflicted, and they continued (and still continue) to give a concentrated dose of that darkness to all around them at every opportunity.  Unlike some, I have had that source maintain a presence in my life for almost all my days.\r\nAs a result, I grew up with absolutely no real sense of confidence, absolutely no sense of worth or value as a human being, or even a clue as how to attain those things.  As an artistic, empathetic, emotional being, I could not face this, and the pain it brought, and constructed a false front that was so convincing, it fooled even me.  I wanted people to think I was invulnerable to pain, to insult, and wanted to project that in a way that would ensure I never had to worry about being hurt again, and I did it so well, that I allowed it to build an almost impenetrable shield around the real Michael Vain.  That person was still in there, and on all those occasions, those occasions where I was cruel, where I projected that aura of intimidation and intensity, it would speak up, would try to prevent me from doing what that part of me, the vital, feeling part, knew was not right. So many times, I ignored that voice.  I allowed that part of me to continue unchecked, and made decisions that did nothing but protect that darkness, rather than shine light on it.\r\nOccasionally, I got it right, and did listen to what it had to say.  In my twenties, I met a very nice young girl when I owned my comic book store (I\'m not going to name names; she knows who she is) and though there was an attraction between us, I knew that for us to be any closer than we were would only end in disaster.  Not only because of my condition, but because that inner part of me has always been more connected to the source, more connected to the Universe, than any other part of me, and it knew that we were meant to only be friends.  If that person is reading this, they may remember me saying, \"Yes, I understand that there is this attraction, but for me to cross that line would be wrong for both of us.\"  I did not say this to her for any other reason, than I was acting on the part of me that was untainted, that one little part of me that I managed to hide from that darkness, and allowed it to speak through it for the sake of sparing greater pain to all involved.  It was one of the few times in my life that I have managed to clear that darkness away, to speak and act only with that part of me.  That emotional part, the part of me hidden behind all the rest, has never lied to me, and has never been wrong in its assessment, in its connection, to myself, my future, and of the feelings and lives of those around me.  In every case where I did not listen to that voice, on every single occasion where I allowed myself to think \'I know what I am doing\', and acted from that shell, that place of intensity, I found that I was wrong.\r\nAlthough I knew I suffered from something dark, something that was not right, I allowed it to continue, and for that, I am deeply sorry to every one of you reading this.  It was the easier way, the way that felt safe after so many years of being ingrained as the only real option, and it did nothing but allow me to remain in suffering, and bring it to others in some shape or form, whether it be from breaking their heart, to being an asshole when I didn\'t get good customer service from MacDonald\'s.\r\nBut as is so often the case in the world, there is a greater purpose for everything.  To those who believe in God, they know and believe He intervenes in the lives of those who most need him.  For those who believe and know that there are greater forces at work than we can understand, know that these forces can come together in the same way, when the time and the need are right.  In my case, it took the form of meeting the one person that could help me, the one person who could see me as I was and not be afraid, and who could not only set me on the path to healing, but provide me with those things I felt had been missing from all of my life until that moment, the most incredible woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  This is not an insult to those I have known, or have known, but merely a statement of truth, not meant to diminish in any way anyone else, but is no less true.  This woman and I met under circumstances that I will not detail here, save to say that it defies explanation, and cannot be trivialized, or put down to random chance, and can only be described as Divine Intervention.  In the time after we met, I was allowed to see my life through the eyes of that inner, better me, to see what life could be like for myself without my dark passenger, and to experience life and love to a degree that I always wished for, but could not believe existed.  We discovered things about each other that astounded us, amazed us, for every facet of our being was mirrored in the other.  This was both incredibly wonderful, and at the same time sad, for we also mirrored the dark things within ourselves.  Everything about us is alike, or so similar that it might as well be called such, down to how we perceive the world.  True, she was much better at expressing herself emotionally than I was, as she was younger and not exposed to the sources of the darkness for as long, but it existed in equal proportion within us.  At that point, we should have seen that we needed to help each other, and gone together into counseling or therapy, so that we might enjoy the benefits and honored the opportunity we were being presented with, but we did not; in our ignorance, we thought all we needed to be happy was each other.  This is an illusion; such darkness will not go away on its own.  Whether it be a psychological disorder, a mental illness, or a spiritual cancer, it will not cure itself, and though the light from another may cause it to fade for awhile, the shadows will always linger, and eventually will grow stronger.  Because of this person, I finally found the inspiration, the strength, the conviction, and the means to begin healing.  I am writing this as part of that process, to tell all of you the nature of my affliction, to apologize for any and all affects the symptoms of that affliction has caused, and to implore anyone else suffering from depression, or any other disorder or affliction, to seek help.  We are given opportunities, some subtle, some, as in my case, the equivalent of a slap upside the head by the universe itself, to take a path that can lead to a better life, a permanent remission, if not an outright cure, to those afflictions, that can last the rest of our lives, and make them more meaningful, more real, than we could ever believe.  Do whatever it takes, but listen to those clues, listen to that voice inside if it ever says \'you may need help\'. Seek out those qualified to help you in those times where you need it most.  Do not hide it, or be ashamed; there are forces out there greater than ourselves, and if it speaks to you that need to be healed, that you are suffering, then listen to it, submit to it.  Do not fight it, or cover it up with darkness, or anger, or even indifference.  Do not allow that affliction to masquerade as truth.  This may mean taking what appears to be, and in many cases is, the harder path, but that is the only way we can heal, and is often the one thing we need to be able have the peace, the love, and the life, we desire. We all, as human beings, deserve better of ourselves than to take the easy path, for we can, and do, deserve the rewards that lie upon that path, for they will always be greater, and more meaningful to our lives, than that which we achieve at no cost.\r\nI truly believe that everything happens in our lives for a reason, and the test for us is to see the reasoning, the mechanism or power behind the events, even if the events themselves are painful, even if they rip our heart out, and accept that pain as a necessary part of healing and growth.  It all has a purpose, and if we surrender to that purpose, then we will be given a life that would be unattainable otherwise. I have surrendered myself to that greater will, and in doing so, have come to see with a scale and clarity I have never imagined possible, and have finally begun the process of being healed of this affliction.  With that, has come an understanding of the effects, large and small, that I have had on others, and the deeper part of me, that part that was never lied to me, compels me to reach out to all of you, with the hope that you will see me for what I really am, and to accept my sorrow and regret, my deepest apologies, for allowing that dark part of me to ever affect any of you.  I will do whatever the Universe desires of me to heal, and to make up for the pain I have caused others in my life. I am not yet sure where that will lead me, but I do know that the universe will reward us, if we only allow ourselves to earn it.\r\n  \r\n\r\nThank you for reading.\r\n\r\n~Michael Vain\r\nJuly 20, 2012','A Message to All I Have Known and Loved','','inherit','closed','closed','','44-revision-4','','','2012-07-20 13:26:50','2012-07-20 17:26:50','',44,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=48',0,'revision','',0),(49,2,'2012-07-20 19:27:47','2012-07-20 23:27:47','This is likely the most uncomfortable blog entry I will ever have to write, for it concerns matters and issues that are deeply, deeply personal to me, things I have never had the courage to confront until now.  It\'s a long entry, and I ask patience from those of you I have invited to read this.\nTo all the people I have known, to every single person in my personal life, or the lives of those close to them, to every person I have ever brought hurt, ever intimidated with my intensity or personality, to every single one that I have ever been responsible for bringing negative feelings into their lives, to every one of them, I offer my most humble, my most profound, and my deepest apologies.  I must go further than that; as part of a healing process begun in me by the love of my life, I must offer a history, an explanation for why, and I humbly ask for your patience, and for your time, to read this. It will do nothing to lessen what I have done to others, but may offer a better perspective on the underlying cause, and a better, clearer understanding of how our lives are shaped and affected by our experiences, and may even help others who have suffered similar experiences and symptoms.\nI say symptoms, because I can finally admit that I suffer from issues caused by my past, by my upbringing and environment, and realize for the first time, how much pain and misery those symptoms have been responsible for, not only in myself, but in all those that have known me.  I want to give all those who have been affected by these issues the facts surrounding them, so that they can understand more fully the person they know, or knew.\nI am not a bad person.  I am not a mean person.  I do not lie, or cheat on those I love.  I value honesty, truth, and love above all things.  I believe in the innocence and beauty of childhood.  I believe in the virtuous heart, and in true love.  I believe that all people can become better than what they are now, if they only want it bad enough.  Deep down, I believe in the goodness of humanity, and believe we are all born innocent; it is only through heartless times, cruelty, and poisoned environments, that we become less than what we could be, and in some cases, become monsters.\nAs far as environment, I was raised in one that was extremely toxic.  The source of this began many years ago, when my grandmother was but an infant.  Due to factors beyond her control, she was treated to nothing but disdain as a child, to bitterness and harsh, severely painful punishment and abuse, and at some point, something broke inside her.  This led to her having to live with severe psychological disorders.  Most likely, she would have been diagnosed as Histrionic, and suffering from Borderline-Personality Disorder, and possibly several others.  She was incredibly violent, prone to episodes of delusion and disassociation, and did all she could to infect everyone around her with bitterness, despair, and pain.  This in turn affected every single member of our family to come from her, in her four children, their children, and their children\'s children.  In three generations, every member of that branch of our family tree, has been affected to a great degree by those disorders.  In three generations, we have only had a single member remain married to their first partner.  Most have tried, unsuccessfully, to maintain personal relationships, and they all live in a world of depression, despair, and misery.  Three generations of suffering have sprung from one source, and no one has been spared.  The worst thing about this is, not only were these people afflicted with things that they did not deserve, but were prevented from seeking any kind of help; my grandmother had a severe matriarchal complex, and could not let anyone admit that they had a problem.  It would reflect badly on her, and such things were never allowed, which I believe is symptomatic of the above described conditions.  I had more than one opportunity as a child to be treated, to stop the darkness from taking such a strong hold on me, but my grandmother actively prevented me from seeking, or receiving, such help, including going so far as to threaten the schools I attended with lawsuit when I was seen by the school psychologist, or even a guidance counselor.  At one point in my life, when I was older, and a single parent, I attempted to remove myself from that environment, not only for my sake, but for the sake of my children, and upon learning this, she went so far as to threaten me with arrest on charges of child molestation should I attempt it.  I remember her exact words to me: \"If you ever, EVER, try to leave, I will have you arrested as a child molester, and you will never see your children again.\"  When I protested that she could never make such a ridiculous charge stick, she replied, \"who do you think they would believe? You, or your grandfather? I\'ll make him say whatever I want, and with his position, who do you think they would believe?\"  This is the extent to which that dark side of her, something that has been passed onto every member of my family, will do to protect itself.  My grandfather was a noble man, but his one weakness was that his wife could dominate him, make him believe, and do, anything she desired.  He was widely respected in legal circles, knew every judge in every court on a first name basis, and was called upon as an expert witness as part of his career.  Against such a threat, what is a twenty-two year old to do?  They were both trained investigators, and had the means to know every move I made.  Every phone conversation in my house, the entire time I lived with them was recorded, every movement monitored.  Both my brother and I were often followed, both by my grandparents, and by trained private investigators, our day to day lives scrutinized, and any attempt we made to grow as human beings, to become strong, or confident, or independent, was destroyed before it could take root.\nAsk yourself, what hope does a young man have against such things?\nThis is not an excuse, but merely an attempt to show how much we, as children, and later, adults, suffered, the enormity of just how difficult it was to try to do anything that would result in us shaking free of the toxic feelings and environment we were being poisoned with.  Both my grandmother and my mother were afflicted, and they continued (and still continue) to give a concentrated dose of that darkness to all around them at every opportunity.  Unlike some, I have had that source maintain a presence in my life for almost all my days.\nAs a result, I grew up with absolutely no real sense of confidence, absolutely no sense of worth or value as a human being, or even a clue as how to attain those things.  As an artistic, empathetic, emotional being, I could not face this, and the pain it brought, and constructed a false front that was so convincing, it fooled even me.  I wanted people to think I was invulnerable to pain, to insult, and wanted to project that in a way that would ensure I never had to worry about being hurt again, and I did it so well, that I allowed it to build an almost impenetrable shield around the real Michael Vain.  That person was still in there, and on all those occasions, those occasions where I was cruel, where I projected that aura of intimidation and intensity, it would speak up, would try to prevent me from doing what that part of me, the vital, feeling part, knew was not right. So many times, I ignored that voice.  I allowed that part of me to continue unchecked, and made decisions that did nothing but protect that darkness, rather than shine light on it.\nOccasionally, I got it right, and did listen to what it had to say.  In my twenties, I met a very nice young girl when I owned my comic book store (I\'m not going to name names; she knows who she is) and though there was an attraction between us, I knew that for us to be any closer than we were would only end in disaster.  Not only because of my condition, but because that inner part of me has always been more connected to the source, more connected to the Universe, than any other part of me, and it knew that we were meant to only be friends.  If that person is reading this, they may remember me saying, \"Yes, I understand that there is this attraction, but for me to cross that line would be wrong for both of us.\"  I did not say this to her for any other reason, than I was acting on the part of me that was untainted, that one little part of me that I managed to hide from that darkness, and allowed it to speak through it for the sake of sparing greater pain to all involved.  It was one of the few times in my life that I have managed to clear that darkness away, to speak and act only with that part of me.  That emotional part, the part of me hidden behind all the rest, has never lied to me, and has never been wrong in its assessment, in its connection, to myself, my future, and of the feelings and lives of those around me.  In every case where I did not listen to that voice, on every single occasion where I allowed myself to think \'I know what I am doing\', and acted from that shell, that place of intensity, I found that I was wrong.\nAlthough I knew I suffered from something dark, something that was not right, I allowed it to continue, and for that, I am deeply sorry to every one of you reading this.  It was the easier way, the way that felt safe after so many years of being ingrained as the only real option, and it did nothing but allow me to remain in suffering, and bring it to others in some shape or form, whether it be from breaking their heart, to being an asshole when I didn\'t get good customer service from MacDonald\'s.\nBut as is so often the case in the world, there is a greater purpose for everything.  To those who believe in God, they know and believe He intervenes in the lives of those who most need him.  For those who believe and know that there are greater forces at work than we can understand, know that these forces can come together in the same way, when the time and the need are right.  In my case, it took the form of meeting the one person that could help me, the one person who could see me as I was and not be afraid, and who could not only set me on the path to healing, but provide me with those things I felt had been missing from all of my life until that moment, the most incredible woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  This is not an insult to those I have known, or have known, but merely a statement of truth, not meant to diminish in any way anyone else, but is no less true.  This woman and I met under circumstances that I will not detail here, save to say that it defies explanation, and cannot be trivialized, or put down to random chance, and can only be described as Divine Intervention.  In the time after we met, I was allowed to see my life through the eyes of that inner, better me, to see what life could be like for myself without my dark passenger, and to experience life and love to a degree that I always wished for, but could not believe existed.  We discovered things about each other that astounded us, amazed us, for every facet of our being was mirrored in the other.  This was both incredibly wonderful, and at the same time sad, for we also mirrored the dark things within ourselves.  Everything about us is alike, or so similar that it might as well be called such, down to how we perceive the world.  True, she was much better at expressing herself emotionally than I was, as she was younger and not exposed to the sources of the darkness for as long, but it existed in equal proportion within us.  At that point, we should have seen that we needed to help each other, and gone together into counseling or therapy, so that we might enjoy the benefits and honored the opportunity we were being presented with, but we did not; in our ignorance, we thought all we needed to be happy was each other.  This is an illusion; such darkness will not go away on its own.  Whether it be a psychological disorder, a mental illness, or a spiritual cancer, it will not cure itself, and though the light from another may cause it to fade for awhile, the shadows will always linger, and eventually will grow stronger.  Because of this person, I finally found the inspiration, the strength, the conviction, and the means to begin healing.  I am writing this as part of that process, to tell all of you the nature of my affliction, to apologize for any and all affects the symptoms of that affliction has caused, and to implore anyone else suffering from depression, or any other disorder or affliction, to seek help.  We are given opportunities, some subtle, some, as in my case, the equivalent of a slap upside the head by the universe itself, to take a path that can lead to a better life, a permanent remission, if not an outright cure, to those afflictions, that can last the rest of our lives, and make them more meaningful, more real, than we could ever believe.  Do whatever it takes, but listen to those clues, listen to that voice inside if it ever says \'you may need help\'. Seek out those qualified to help you in those times where you need it most.  Do not hide it, or be ashamed; there are forces out there greater than ourselves, and if it speaks to you that need to be healed, that you are suffering, then listen to it, submit to it.  Do not fight it, or cover it up with darkness, or anger, or even indifference.  Do not allow that affliction to masquerade as truth.  This may mean taking what appears to be, and in many cases is, the harder path, but that is the only way we can heal, and is often the one thing we need to be able have the peace, the love, and the life, we desire. We all, as human beings, deserve better of ourselves than to take the easy path, for we can, and do, deserve the rewards that lie upon that path, for they will always be greater, and more meaningful to our lives, than that which we achieve at no cost.\nI truly believe that everything happens in our lives for a reason, and the test for us is to see the reasoning, the mechanism or power behind the events, even if the events themselves are painful, even if they rip our heart out, and accept that pain as a necessary part of healing and growth.  It all has a purpose, and if we surrender to that purpose, then we will be given a life that would be unattainable otherwise. I have surrendered myself to that greater will, and in doing so, have come to see with a scale and clarity I have never imagined possible, and have finally begun the process of being healed of this affliction.  With that, has come an understanding of the effects, large and small, that I have had on others, and the deeper part of me, that part that was never lied to me, compels me to reach out to all of you, with the hope that you will see me for what I really am, and to accept my sorrow and regret, my deepest apologies, for allowing that dark part of me to ever affect any of you.  I will do whatever the Universe desires of me to heal, and to make up for the pain I have caused others in my life. I am not yet sure where that will lead me, but I do know that the universe will reward us, if we only allow ourselves to earn it.\nI can only hope that this is the start of something \n  \n\nThank you for reading.\n\n~Michael Vain\nJuly 20, 2012','A Message to All I Have Known and Loved','','inherit','closed','closed','','44-revision-5','','','2012-07-20 19:27:47','2012-07-20 23:27:47','',44,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=49',0,'revision','',0),(50,2,'2012-07-20 19:28:20','2012-07-20 23:28:20','This is likely the most uncomfortable blog entry I will ever have to write, for it concerns matters and issues that are deeply, deeply personal to me, things I have never had the courage to confront until now.  It\'s a long entry, and I ask patience from those of you I have invited to read this.\r\nTo all the people I have known, to every single person in my personal life, or the lives of those close to them, to every person I have ever brought hurt, ever intimidated with my intensity or personality, to every single one that I have ever been responsible for bringing negative feelings into their lives, to every one of them, I offer my most humble, my most profound, and my deepest apologies.  I must go further than that; as part of a healing process begun in me by the love of my life, I must offer a history, an explanation for why, and I humbly ask for your patience, and for your time, to read this. It will do nothing to lessen what I have done to others, but may offer a better perspective on the underlying cause, and a better, clearer understanding of how our lives are shaped and affected by our experiences, and may even help others who have suffered similar experiences and symptoms.\r\nI say symptoms, because I can finally admit that I suffer from issues caused by my past, by my upbringing and environment, and realize for the first time, how much pain and misery those symptoms have been responsible for, not only in myself, but in all those that have known me.  I want to give all those who have been affected by these issues the facts surrounding them, so that they can understand more fully the person they know, or knew.\r\nI am not a bad person.  I am not a mean person.  I do not lie, or cheat on those I love.  I value honesty, truth, and love above all things.  I believe in the innocence and beauty of childhood.  I believe in the virtuous heart, and in true love.  I believe that all people can become better than what they are now, if they only want it bad enough.  Deep down, I believe in the goodness of humanity, and believe we are all born innocent; it is only through heartless times, cruelty, and poisoned environments, that we become less than what we could be, and in some cases, become monsters.\r\nAs far as environment, I was raised in one that was extremely toxic.  The source of this began many years ago, when my grandmother was but an infant.  Due to factors beyond her control, she was treated to nothing but disdain as a child, to bitterness and harsh, severely painful punishment and abuse, and at some point, something broke inside her.  This led to her having to live with severe psychological disorders.  Most likely, she would have been diagnosed as Histrionic, and suffering from Borderline-Personality Disorder, and possibly several others.  She was incredibly violent, prone to episodes of delusion and disassociation, and did all she could to infect everyone around her with bitterness, despair, and pain.  This in turn affected every single member of our family to come from her, in her four children, their children, and their children\'s children.  In three generations, every member of that branch of our family tree, has been affected to a great degree by those disorders.  In three generations, we have only had a single member remain married to their first partner.  Most have tried, unsuccessfully, to maintain personal relationships, and they all live in a world of depression, despair, and misery.  Three generations of suffering have sprung from one source, and no one has been spared.  The worst thing about this is, not only were these people afflicted with things that they did not deserve, but were prevented from seeking any kind of help; my grandmother had a severe matriarchal complex, and could not let anyone admit that they had a problem.  It would reflect badly on her, and such things were never allowed, which I believe is symptomatic of the above described conditions.  I had more than one opportunity as a child to be treated, to stop the darkness from taking such a strong hold on me, but my grandmother actively prevented me from seeking, or receiving, such help, including going so far as to threaten the schools I attended with lawsuit when I was seen by the school psychologist, or even a guidance counselor.  At one point in my life, when I was older, and a single parent, I attempted to remove myself from that environment, not only for my sake, but for the sake of my children, and upon learning this, she went so far as to threaten me with arrest on charges of child molestation should I attempt it.  I remember her exact words to me: \"If you ever, EVER, try to leave, I will have you arrested as a child molester, and you will never see your children again.\"  When I protested that she could never make such a ridiculous charge stick, she replied, \"who do you think they would believe? You, or your grandfather? I\'ll make him say whatever I want, and with his position, who do you think they would believe?\"  This is the extent to which that dark side of her, something that has been passed onto every member of my family, will do to protect itself.  My grandfather was a noble man, but his one weakness was that his wife could dominate him, make him believe, and do, anything she desired.  He was widely respected in legal circles, knew every judge in every court on a first name basis, and was called upon as an expert witness as part of his career.  Against such a threat, what is a twenty-two year old to do?  They were both trained investigators, and had the means to know every move I made.  Every phone conversation in my house, the entire time I lived with them was recorded, every movement monitored.  Both my brother and I were often followed, both by my grandparents, and by trained private investigators, our day to day lives scrutinized, and any attempt we made to grow as human beings, to become strong, or confident, or independent, was destroyed before it could take root.\r\nAsk yourself, what hope does a young man have against such things?\r\nThis is not an excuse, but merely an attempt to show how much we, as children, and later, adults, suffered, the enormity of just how difficult it was to try to do anything that would result in us shaking free of the toxic feelings and environment we were being poisoned with.  Both my grandmother and my mother were afflicted, and they continued (and still continue) to give a concentrated dose of that darkness to all around them at every opportunity.  Unlike some, I have had that source maintain a presence in my life for almost all my days.\r\nAs a result, I grew up with absolutely no real sense of confidence, absolutely no sense of worth or value as a human being, or even a clue as how to attain those things.  As an artistic, empathetic, emotional being, I could not face this, and the pain it brought, and constructed a false front that was so convincing, it fooled even me.  I wanted people to think I was invulnerable to pain, to insult, and wanted to project that in a way that would ensure I never had to worry about being hurt again, and I did it so well, that I allowed it to build an almost impenetrable shield around the real Michael Vain.  That person was still in there, and on all those occasions, those occasions where I was cruel, where I projected that aura of intimidation and intensity, it would speak up, would try to prevent me from doing what that part of me, the vital, feeling part, knew was not right. So many times, I ignored that voice.  I allowed that part of me to continue unchecked, and made decisions that did nothing but protect that darkness, rather than shine light on it.\r\nOccasionally, I got it right, and did listen to what it had to say.  In my twenties, I met a very nice young girl when I owned my comic book store (I\'m not going to name names; she knows who she is) and though there was an attraction between us, I knew that for us to be any closer than we were would only end in disaster.  Not only because of my condition, but because that inner part of me has always been more connected to the source, more connected to the Universe, than any other part of me, and it knew that we were meant to only be friends.  If that person is reading this, they may remember me saying, \"Yes, I understand that there is this attraction, but for me to cross that line would be wrong for both of us.\"  I did not say this to her for any other reason, than I was acting on the part of me that was untainted, that one little part of me that I managed to hide from that darkness, and allowed it to speak through it for the sake of sparing greater pain to all involved.  It was one of the few times in my life that I have managed to clear that darkness away, to speak and act only with that part of me.  That emotional part, the part of me hidden behind all the rest, has never lied to me, and has never been wrong in its assessment, in its connection, to myself, my future, and of the feelings and lives of those around me.  In every case where I did not listen to that voice, on every single occasion where I allowed myself to think \'I know what I am doing\', and acted from that shell, that place of intensity, I found that I was wrong.\r\nAlthough I knew I suffered from something dark, something that was not right, I allowed it to continue, and for that, I am deeply sorry to every one of you reading this.  It was the easier way, the way that felt safe after so many years of being ingrained as the only real option, and it did nothing but allow me to remain in suffering, and bring it to others in some shape or form, whether it be from breaking their heart, to being an asshole when I didn\'t get good customer service from MacDonald\'s.\r\nBut as is so often the case in the world, there is a greater purpose for everything.  To those who believe in God, they know and believe He intervenes in the lives of those who most need him.  For those who believe and know that there are greater forces at work than we can understand, know that these forces can come together in the same way, when the time and the need are right.  In my case, it took the form of meeting the one person that could help me, the one person who could see me as I was and not be afraid, and who could not only set me on the path to healing, but provide me with those things I felt had been missing from all of my life until that moment, the most incredible woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  This is not an insult to those I have known, or have known, but merely a statement of truth, not meant to diminish in any way anyone else, but is no less true.  This woman and I met under circumstances that I will not detail here, save to say that it defies explanation, and cannot be trivialized, or put down to random chance, and can only be described as Divine Intervention.  In the time after we met, I was allowed to see my life through the eyes of that inner, better me, to see what life could be like for myself without my dark passenger, and to experience life and love to a degree that I always wished for, but could not believe existed.  We discovered things about each other that astounded us, amazed us, for every facet of our being was mirrored in the other.  This was both incredibly wonderful, and at the same time sad, for we also mirrored the dark things within ourselves.  Everything about us is alike, or so similar that it might as well be called such, down to how we perceive the world.  True, she was much better at expressing herself emotionally than I was, as she was younger and not exposed to the sources of the darkness for as long, but it existed in equal proportion within us.  At that point, we should have seen that we needed to help each other, and gone together into counseling or therapy, so that we might enjoy the benefits and honored the opportunity we were being presented with, but we did not; in our ignorance, we thought all we needed to be happy was each other.  This is an illusion; such darkness will not go away on its own.  Whether it be a psychological disorder, a mental illness, or a spiritual cancer, it will not cure itself, and though the light from another may cause it to fade for awhile, the shadows will always linger, and eventually will grow stronger.  Because of this person, I finally found the inspiration, the strength, the conviction, and the means to begin healing.  I am writing this as part of that process, to tell all of you the nature of my affliction, to apologize for any and all affects the symptoms of that affliction has caused, and to implore anyone else suffering from depression, or any other disorder or affliction, to seek help.  We are given opportunities, some subtle, some, as in my case, the equivalent of a slap upside the head by the universe itself, to take a path that can lead to a better life, a permanent remission, if not an outright cure, to those afflictions, that can last the rest of our lives, and make them more meaningful, more real, than we could ever believe.  Do whatever it takes, but listen to those clues, listen to that voice inside if it ever says \'you may need help\'. Seek out those qualified to help you in those times where you need it most.  Do not hide it, or be ashamed; there are forces out there greater than ourselves, and if it speaks to you that need to be healed, that you are suffering, then listen to it, submit to it.  Do not fight it, or cover it up with darkness, or anger, or even indifference.  Do not allow that affliction to masquerade as truth.  This may mean taking what appears to be, and in many cases is, the harder path, but that is the only way we can heal, and is often the one thing we need to be able have the peace, the love, and the life, we desire. We all, as human beings, deserve better of ourselves than to take the easy path, for we can, and do, deserve the rewards that lie upon that path, for they will always be greater, and more meaningful to our lives, than that which we achieve at no cost.\r\nI truly believe that everything happens in our lives for a reason, and the test for us is to see the reasoning, the mechanism or power behind the events, even if the events themselves are painful, even if they rip our heart out, and accept that pain as a necessary part of healing and growth.  It all has a purpose, and if we surrender to that purpose, then we will be given a life that would be unattainable otherwise. I have surrendered myself to that greater will, and in doing so, have come to see with a scale and clarity I have never imagined possible, and have finally begun the process of being healed of this affliction.  With that, has come an understanding of the effects, large and small, that I have had on others, and the deeper part of me, that part that was never lied to me, compels me to reach out to all of you, with the hope that you will see me for what I really am, and to accept my sorrow and regret, my deepest apologies, for allowing that dark part of me to ever affect any of you.  I will do whatever the Universe desires of me to heal, and to make up for the pain I have caused others in my life. I am not yet sure where that will lead me, but I do know that the universe will reward us, if we only allow ourselves to earn it.\r\nI can only hope that this is the start of something positive and new, and if even one person is affected in a positive way by it.\r\n  \r\n\r\nThank you for reading.\r\n\r\n~Michael Vain\r\nJuly 20, 2012','A Message to All I Have Known and Loved','','inherit','closed','closed','','44-revision-6','','','2012-07-20 19:28:20','2012-07-20 23:28:20','',44,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=50',0,'revision','',0),(52,2,'2012-12-20 18:05:14','2012-12-20 23:05:14',' . . . I will be investigating the option of self-publishing in the near future.\r\n     Most that know me know that I have resisted the e-book trend for some time. I have always been a collector of hard and soft-cover books for most of my life.  I have felt that the e-book trend was taking something away from traditional publishing, and thought I would see a flood of <i>Twilight</i> quality writing or worse.\r\n     However, observation through time has shown that this is not necessarily the case, and though self-publishing, especially in an electronic format, poses its own share of shortcomings, it also gives the author a level of control over his own work that is rarely achieved in the traditional publishing world, at least for those authors who have yet to establish themselves.  Being that I am a visual artist as well as a writer, it has been my desire for some time to incorporate more of my visual work into my writing.  This makes the self-publishing route even more attractive, and has given me the incentive to take that path in the future, and include interior illustrations in addition to cover artwork.\r\n     Of course, if the world ends tomorrow, that plan may need to be put on hold, but otherwise, I hope to have my first novel <i>Highway Hypnosis</i> ready for e-book publication in the coming year, with a novella and another novel ready by year\'s end.\r\n\r\nUntil next we meet - \r\n\r\n`Namaste\r\n\r\n','If the World Doesn\'t End . . .','','publish','closed','closed','','if-the-world-doesnt-end','','','2012-12-20 18:05:14','2012-12-20 23:05:14','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=52',0,'post','',0),(56,2,'2013-04-04 22:25:09','2013-04-05 02:25:09','Well folks, it looks like the self-publishing option is going to be the method of choice.  I\'ve been considering this for some time, and regardless of my liking for physical books over e-books, I have decided the best option is to publish my work myself.  I am currently working on the cover art for my first novella, which will be distributed through <a href=\"http://www.smashwords.com\">Smashwords</a>.  This story, which I feel is a good vehicle for my particular take on horror, as well as urban fantasy, should be available within the next few weeks on the Nook, Kindle, Ipad, and other devices.  Keep checking back for more details!\r\n. . . And so it begins.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Coming Soon to an E-Reader Near You','','publish','closed','closed','','coming-soon-to-an-e-reader-near-you','','','2013-04-04 22:25:09','2013-04-05 02:25:09','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=56',0,'post','',0),(55,2,'2012-07-20 19:35:38','2012-07-20 23:35:38','This is likely the most uncomfortable blog entry I will ever have to write, for it concerns matters and issues that are deeply, deeply personal to me, things I have never had the courage to confront until now.  It\'s a long entry, and I ask patience from those of you I have invited to read this.\r\nTo all the people I have known, to every single person in my personal life, or the lives of those close to them, to every person I have ever brought hurt, ever intimidated with my intensity or personality, to every single one that I have ever been responsible for bringing negative feelings into their lives, to every one of them, I offer my most humble, my most profound, and my deepest apologies.  I must go further than that; as part of a healing process begun in me by the love of my life, I must offer a history, an explanation for why, and I humbly ask for your patience, and for your time, to read this. It will do nothing to lessen what I have done to others, but may offer a better perspective on the underlying cause, and a better, clearer understanding of how our lives are shaped and affected by our experiences, and may even help others who have suffered similar experiences and symptoms.\r\nI say symptoms, because I can finally admit that I suffer from issues caused by my past, by my upbringing and environment, and realize for the first time, how much pain and misery those symptoms have been responsible for, not only in myself, but in all those that have known me.  I want to give all those who have been affected by these issues the facts surrounding them, so that they can understand more fully the person they know, or knew.\r\nI am not a bad person.  I am not a mean person.  I do not lie, or cheat on those I love.  I value honesty, truth, and love above all things.  I believe in the innocence and beauty of childhood.  I believe in the virtuous heart, and in true love.  I believe that all people can become better than what they are now, if they only want it bad enough.  Deep down, I believe in the goodness of humanity, and believe we are all born innocent; it is only through heartless times, cruelty, and poisoned environments, that we become less than what we could be, and in some cases, become monsters.\r\nAs far as environment, I was raised in one that was extremely toxic.  The source of this began many years ago, when my grandmother was but an infant.  Due to factors beyond her control, she was treated to nothing but disdain as a child, to bitterness and harsh, severely painful punishment and abuse, and at some point, something broke inside her.  This led to her having to live with severe psychological disorders.  Most likely, she would have been diagnosed as Histrionic, and suffering from Borderline-Personality Disorder, and possibly several others.  She was incredibly violent, prone to episodes of delusion and disassociation, and did all she could to infect everyone around her with bitterness, despair, and pain.  This in turn affected every single member of our family to come from her, in her four children, their children, and their children\'s children.  In three generations, every member of that branch of our family tree, has been affected to a great degree by those disorders.  In three generations, we have only had a single member remain married to their first partner.  Most have tried, unsuccessfully, to maintain personal relationships, and they all live in a world of depression, despair, and misery.  Three generations of suffering have sprung from one source, and no one has been spared.  The worst thing about this is, not only were these people afflicted with things that they did not deserve, but were prevented from seeking any kind of help; my grandmother had a severe matriarchal complex, and could not let anyone admit that they had a problem.  It would reflect badly on her, and such things were never allowed, which I believe is symptomatic of the above described conditions.  I had more than one opportunity as a child to be treated, to stop the darkness from taking such a strong hold on me, but my grandmother actively prevented me from seeking, or receiving, such help, including going so far as to threaten the schools I attended with lawsuit when I was seen by the school psychologist, or even a guidance counselor.  At one point in my life, when I was older, and a single parent, I attempted to remove myself from that environment, not only for my sake, but for the sake of my children, and upon learning this, she went so far as to threaten me with arrest on charges of child molestation should I attempt it.  I remember her exact words to me: \"If you ever, EVER, try to leave, I will have you arrested as a child molester, and you will never see your children again.\"  When I protested that she could never make such a ridiculous charge stick, she replied, \"who do you think they would believe? You, or your grandfather? I\'ll make him say whatever I want, and with his position, who do you think they would believe?\"  This is the extent to which that dark side of her, something that has been passed onto every member of my family, will do to protect itself.  My grandfather was a noble man, but his one weakness was that his wife could dominate him, make him believe, and do, anything she desired.  He was widely respected in legal circles, knew every judge in every court on a first name basis, and was called upon as an expert witness as part of his career.  Against such a threat, what is a twenty-two year old to do?  They were both trained investigators, and had the means to know every move I made.  Every phone conversation in my house, the entire time I lived with them was recorded, every movement monitored.  Both my brother and I were often followed, both by my grandparents, and by trained private investigators, our day to day lives scrutinized, and any attempt we made to grow as human beings, to become strong, or confident, or independent, was destroyed before it could take root.\r\nAsk yourself, what hope does a young man have against such things?\r\nThis is not an excuse, but merely an attempt to show how much we, as children, and later, adults, suffered, the enormity of just how difficult it was to try to do anything that would result in us shaking free of the toxic feelings and environment we were being poisoned with.  Both my grandmother and my mother were afflicted, and they continued (and still continue) to give a concentrated dose of that darkness to all around them at every opportunity.  Unlike some, I have had that source maintain a presence in my life for almost all my days.\r\nAs a result, I grew up with absolutely no real sense of confidence, absolutely no sense of worth or value as a human being, or even a clue as how to attain those things.  As an artistic, empathetic, emotional being, I could not face this, and the pain it brought, and constructed a false front that was so convincing, it fooled even me.  I wanted people to think I was invulnerable to pain, to insult, and wanted to project that in a way that would ensure I never had to worry about being hurt again, and I did it so well, that I allowed it to build an almost impenetrable shield around the real Michael Vain.  That person was still in there, and on all those occasions, those occasions where I was cruel, where I projected that aura of intimidation and intensity, it would speak up, would try to prevent me from doing what that part of me, the vital, feeling part, knew was not right. So many times, I ignored that voice.  I allowed that part of me to continue unchecked, and made decisions that did nothing but protect that darkness, rather than shine light on it.\r\nOccasionally, I got it right, and did listen to what it had to say.  In my twenties, I met a very nice young girl when I owned my comic book store (I\'m not going to name names; she knows who she is) and though there was an attraction between us, I knew that for us to be any closer than we were would only end in disaster.  Not only because of my condition, but because that inner part of me has always been more connected to the source, more connected to the Universe, than any other part of me, and it knew that we were meant to only be friends.  If that person is reading this, they may remember me saying, \"Yes, I understand that there is this attraction, but for me to cross that line would be wrong for both of us.\"  I did not say this to her for any other reason, than I was acting on the part of me that was untainted, that one little part of me that I managed to hide from that darkness, and allowed it to speak through it for the sake of sparing greater pain to all involved.  It was one of the few times in my life that I have managed to clear that darkness away, to speak and act only with that part of me.  That emotional part, the part of me hidden behind all the rest, has never lied to me, and has never been wrong in its assessment, in its connection, to myself, my future, and of the feelings and lives of those around me.  In every case where I did not listen to that voice, on every single occasion where I allowed myself to think \'I know what I am doing\', and acted from that shell, that place of intensity, I found that I was wrong.\r\nAlthough I knew I suffered from something dark, something that was not right, I allowed it to continue, and for that, I am deeply sorry to every one of you reading this.  It was the easier way, the way that felt safe after so many years of being ingrained as the only real option, and it did nothing but allow me to remain in suffering, and bring it to others in some shape or form, whether it be from breaking their heart, to being an asshole when I didn\'t get good customer service from MacDonald\'s.\r\nBut as is so often the case in the world, there is a greater purpose for everything.  To those who believe in God, they know and believe He intervenes in the lives of those who most need him.  For those who believe and know that there are greater forces at work than we can understand, know that these forces can come together in the same way, when the time and the need are right.  In my case, it took the form of meeting the one person that could help me, the one person who could see me as I was and not be afraid, and who could not only set me on the path to healing, but provide me with those things I felt had been missing from all of my life until that moment, the most incredible woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  This is not an insult to those I have known, or have known, but merely a statement of truth, not meant to diminish in any way anyone else, but is no less true.  This woman and I met under circumstances that I will not detail here, save to say that it defies explanation, and cannot be trivialized, or put down to random chance, and can only be described as Divine Intervention.  In the time after we met, I was allowed to see my life through the eyes of that inner, better me, to see what life could be like for myself without my dark passenger, and to experience life and love to a degree that I always wished for, but could not believe existed.  We discovered things about each other that astounded us, amazed us, for every facet of our being was mirrored in the other.  This was both incredibly wonderful, and at the same time sad, for we also mirrored the dark things within ourselves.  Everything about us is alike, or so similar that it might as well be called such, down to how we perceive the world.  True, she was much better at expressing herself emotionally than I was, as she was younger and not exposed to the sources of the darkness for as long, but it existed in equal proportion within us.  At that point, we should have seen that we needed to help each other, and gone together into counseling or therapy, so that we might enjoy the benefits and honored the opportunity we were being presented with, but we did not; in our ignorance, we thought all we needed to be happy was each other.  This is an illusion; such darkness will not go away on its own.  Whether it be a psychological disorder, a mental illness, or a spiritual cancer, it will not cure itself, and though the light from another may cause it to fade for awhile, the shadows will always linger, and eventually will grow stronger.  Because of this person, I finally found the inspiration, the strength, the conviction, and the means to begin healing.  I am writing this as part of that process, to tell all of you the nature of my affliction, to apologize for any and all affects the symptoms of that affliction has caused, and to implore anyone else suffering from depression, or any other disorder or affliction, to seek help.  We are given opportunities, some subtle, some, as in my case, the equivalent of a slap upside the head by the universe itself, to take a path that can lead to a better life, a permanent remission, if not an outright cure, to those afflictions, that can last the rest of our lives, and make them more meaningful, more real, than we could ever believe.  Do whatever it takes, but listen to those clues, listen to that voice inside if it ever says \'you may need help\'. Seek out those qualified to help you in those times where you need it most.  Do not hide it, or be ashamed; there are forces out there greater than ourselves, and if it speaks to you that need to be healed, that you are suffering, then listen to it, submit to it.  Do not fight it, or cover it up with darkness, or anger, or even indifference.  Do not allow that affliction to masquerade as truth.  This may mean taking what appears to be, and in many cases is, the harder path, but that is the only way we can heal, and is often the one thing we need to be able have the peace, the love, and the life, we desire. We all, as human beings, deserve better of ourselves than to take the easy path, for we can, and do, deserve the rewards that lie upon that path, for they will always be greater, and more meaningful to our lives, than that which we achieve at no cost.\r\nI truly believe that everything happens in our lives for a reason, and the test for us is to see the reasoning, the mechanism or power behind the events, even if the events themselves are painful, even if they rip our heart out, and accept that pain as a necessary part of healing and growth.  It all has a purpose, and if we surrender to that purpose, then we will be given a life that would be unattainable otherwise. I have surrendered myself to that greater will, and in doing so, have come to see with a scale and clarity I have never imagined possible, and have finally begun the process of being healed of this affliction.  With that, has come an understanding of the effects, large and small, that I have had on others, and the deeper part of me, that part that was never lied to me, compels me to reach out to all of you, with the hope that you will see me for what I really am, and to accept my sorrow and regret, my deepest apologies, for allowing that dark part of me to ever affect any of you.  I will do whatever the Universe desires of me to heal, and to make up for the pain I have caused others in my life. I am not yet sure where that will lead me, but I do know that the universe will reward us, if we only allow ourselves to earn it.\r\nI can only hope that this is the start of something positive and new, and will be satisfied if even one person is affected in a positive way by it.\r\n  \r\n\r\nThank you for reading.\r\n\r\n~Michael Vain\r\nJuly 20, 2012','A Message to All I Have Known and Loved','','inherit','closed','closed','','44-revision-7','','','2012-07-20 19:35:38','2012-07-20 23:35:38','',44,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=55',0,'revision','',0),(57,2,'2013-04-04 22:24:51','2013-04-05 02:24:51','Well folks, it looks like the self-publishing option is going to be the method of choice.  I\'ve been considering this for some time, and regardless of my liking for physical books over e-books, I have decided the best option is to publish my work myself.  I am currently working on the cover art for my first novella, which will be distributed through <a href=\"http://www.smashwords.com\">Smashwords</a>.  This story, which I feel is a good vehicle for my particular take on horror, as well as urban fantasy, should be available within the next few weeks on the Nook, Kindle, Ipad, and other devices.  Keep checking back for more details!\n. . . And so it begins.\n\n~Namaste','Coming Soon to an E-Reader Near You','','inherit','closed','closed','','56-revision','','','2013-04-04 22:24:51','2013-04-05 02:24:51','',56,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=57',0,'revision','',0),(59,2,'2013-04-13 22:02:48','2013-04-14 02:02:48','<p>Here is a little preview of the sketch for my first self-published novella.  I am almost finished transferring the drawing to a larger board for painting.</p>\r\n<h6 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/art/minstrel01bm_web.jpg\" alt=\"the minstrel\" width=\"400px\" align=\"center\">\r\n</h6>\r\n<p>The completed novella will be available in all e-book formats from Smashwords.com, as well as major e-book outlets.</p>','Preview','','publish','closed','closed','','preview','','','2013-06-23 19:57:36','2013-06-23 23:57:36','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=59',0,'post','',0),(60,2,'2013-04-13 21:58:12','2013-04-14 01:58:12','<p>Here is a little preview of the sketch for my first self-published novella.  I am almost finished transferring the drawing to a larger board for painting.\n\n<img src=\"/art/minstrel01bm_web.jpg\" alt=\"the minstrel\" width=\"500px>','Preview','','inherit','closed','closed','','59-revision','','','2013-04-13 21:58:12','2013-04-14 01:58:12','',59,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=60',0,'revision','',0),(61,2,'2013-04-13 21:58:28','2013-04-14 01:58:28','<p>Here is a little preview of the sketch for my first self-published novella.  I am almost finished transferring the drawing to a larger board for painting.</p>\r\n\r\n<img src=\"/art/minstrel01bm_web.jpg\" alt=\"the minstrel\" width=\"500px\" align=\"center\">','Preview','','inherit','closed','closed','','59-revision-2','','','2013-04-13 21:58:28','2013-04-14 01:58:28','',59,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=61',0,'revision','',0),(62,2,'2013-04-13 21:59:13','2013-04-14 01:59:13','<p>Here is a little preview of the sketch for my first self-published novella.  I am almost finished transferring the drawing to a larger board for painting.</p>\n\n<img src=\"images/art/minstrel01bm_web.jpg\" alt=\"the minstrel\" width=\"500px\" align=\"center\">','Preview','','inherit','closed','closed','','59-revision-3','','','2013-04-13 21:59:13','2013-04-14 01:59:13','',59,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=62',0,'revision','',0),(63,2,'2013-04-13 21:59:39','2013-04-14 01:59:39','<p>Here is a little preview of the sketch for my first self-published novella.  I am almost finished transferring the drawing to a larger board for painting.</p>\r\n\r\n<img src=\"/images/art/minstrel01bm_web.jpg\" alt=\"the minstrel\" width=\"500px\" align=\"center\">','Preview','','inherit','closed','closed','','59-revision-4','','','2013-04-13 21:59:39','2013-04-14 01:59:39','',59,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=63',0,'revision','',0),(64,2,'2013-04-13 22:02:48','2013-04-14 02:02:48','<p>Here is a little preview of the sketch for my first self-published novella.  I am almost finished transferring the drawing to a larger board for painting.</p>\r\n\r\n<img src=\"/images/art/minstrel01bm_web.jpg\" alt=\"the minstrel\" width=\"400px\" align=\"center\">\r\n\r\n<p>The completed novella, \"The Power of Music\" will be available in all e-book formats from Smashwords.com, as well as major e-book outlets.</p>','Preview','','inherit','closed','closed','','59-revision-5','','','2013-04-13 22:02:48','2013-04-14 02:02:48','',59,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=64',0,'revision','',0),(68,2,'2013-06-23 20:02:02','2013-06-24 00:02:02','I have finished the cover painting for my first novella, and am busy working on the post-production with my wonderful fiance, Michelle.  Tune in for the latest updates here. \r\nThe story is a work of dark urban fantasy, and will be available through <a href=\"http://www.smashwords.com\">Smashwords.com</a> as well as most e-book distributors.','Cover Art Madness','','publish','closed','closed','','cover-art-madness','','','2013-06-23 20:02:02','2013-06-24 00:02:02','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=68',0,'post','',0),(65,2,'2013-04-13 22:04:12','2013-04-14 02:04:12','<p>Here is a little preview of the sketch for my first self-published novella.  I am almost finished transferring the drawing to a larger board for painting.</p>\r\n<h6 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/art/minstrel01bm_web.jpg\" alt=\"the minstrel\" width=\"400px\" align=\"center\">\r\n</h6>\r\n<p>The completed novella, \"The Power of Music\" will be available in all e-book formats from Smashwords.com, as well as major e-book outlets.</p>','Preview','','inherit','closed','closed','','59-autosave','','','2013-04-13 22:04:12','2013-04-14 02:04:12','',59,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=65',0,'revision','',0),(77,2,'2013-07-07 08:58:23','2013-07-07 12:58:23','Hot on the heels of publishing my novella on Smashwords.com, I\'m hard at work re-editing my first novel. I\'ve been working on this epic-length tale of dark suspense for some time, and will be creating not only the cover art, but several full-color interior paintings for it as well.\r\nStay tuned for updates!\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Hard at Work','','publish','closed','closed','','hard-at-work','','','2013-07-07 08:58:23','2013-07-07 12:58:23','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=77',0,'post','',0),(67,2,'2013-04-13 22:04:08','2013-04-14 02:04:08','<p>Here is a little preview of the sketch for my first self-published novella.  I am almost finished transferring the drawing to a larger board for painting.</p>\r\n<h6 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/art/minstrel01bm_web.jpg\" alt=\"the minstrel\" width=\"400px\" align=\"center\">\r\n</h6>\r\n<p>The completed novella, \"The Power of Music\" will be available in all e-book formats from Smashwords.com, as well as major e-book outlets.</p>','Preview','','inherit','closed','closed','','59-revision-6','','','2013-04-13 22:04:08','2013-04-14 02:04:08','',59,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=67',0,'revision','',0),(69,2,'2013-06-23 20:00:44','2013-06-24 00:00:44','I have finished the cover painting for my first novella, and am busy working on the post-production with my wonderful fiance, Michelle.  Tune in for the latest updates here. \nThe story is a work of dark urban fantasy, and will be available through <a href=\"http://www.smashwords.com','Cover Art Madness','','inherit','closed','closed','','68-revision','','','2013-06-23 20:00:44','2013-06-24 00:00:44','',68,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=69',0,'revision','',0),(70,2,'2013-06-23 20:01:44','2013-06-24 00:01:44','I have finished the cover painting for my first novella, and am busy working on the post-production with my wonderful fiance, Michelle.  Tune in for the latest updates here. \nThe story is a work of dark urban fantasy, and will be available through <a href=\"http://www.smashwords.com\">Smashwords.com</a> as well as most e-book distributors.','Cover Art Madness','','inherit','closed','closed','','68-revision-2','','','2013-06-23 20:01:44','2013-06-24 00:01:44','',68,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=70',0,'revision','',0),(71,2,'2013-06-28 23:20:04','2013-06-29 03:20:04','http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/blog_banner02.jpg','blog_banner02.jpg','','inherit','closed','closed','','blog_banner02-jpg','','','2013-06-28 23:20:04','2013-06-29 03:20:04','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/blog_banner02.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(72,2,'2013-06-28 23:33:07','2013-06-29 03:33:07','Greetings, all!\r\n\r\nMy first novella, <i>The Minstrel</i> is now available through <a href=\"http://www.smashwords.com\">Smashwords</a>! \r\n\r\nThis tale of dark urban fantasy chronicles one night in the lives of two street thugs, when they attempt to rob what they think is a hapless street musician.  Sadly for them, their victim is much more than he appears, and they soon learn the error of their ways.\r\n\r\n<img src=\"/images/catalog/minstrel_cover_lg.jpg\" alt=\"cover art - the minstrel\">\r\n\r\nClick <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/330341\">here</a> to read a synopsis and download your copy.\r\n\r\nAvailable in all e-book formats.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Published - The Minstrel','','publish','closed','closed','','published-the-minstrel','','','2013-06-28 23:33:07','2013-06-29 03:33:07','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=72',0,'post','',0),(73,2,'2013-06-28 23:26:35','2013-06-29 03:26:35','Greetings, all!\n\nMy first novella, <i>The Minstrel</i> is now available through <a href=\"http://www.smashwords.com>Smashwords</a>!\n\nThis tale of dark urban fantasy chronicles one night in the lives of two street thugs, when they attempt to rob what they think is a hapless street musician.  Sadly for them, their victim is much more than he appears, and they soon learn the error of their ways.\n\n<img src=\"/images/catalog/minstrel/cover','Published - The Minstrel','','inherit','closed','closed','','72-revision','','','2013-06-28 23:26:35','2013-06-29 03:26:35','',72,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=73',0,'revision','',0),(74,2,'2013-06-28 23:27:04','2013-06-29 03:27:04','Greetings, all!\r\n\r\nMy first novella, <i>The Minstrel</i> is now available through <a href=\"http://www.smashwords.com>Smashwords</a>!\r\n\r\nThis tale of dark urban fantasy chronicles one night in the lives of two street thugs, when they attempt to rob what they think is a hapless street musician.  Sadly for them, their victim is much more than he appears, and they soon learn the error of their ways.\r\n\r\n<img src=\"/images/catalog/minstrel_cover_sm.jpg\" alt=\"cover art - the minstrel\">','Published - The Minstrel','','inherit','closed','closed','','72-revision-2','','','2013-06-28 23:27:04','2013-06-29 03:27:04','',72,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=74',0,'revision','',0),(75,2,'2013-06-28 23:27:36','2013-06-29 03:27:36','Greetings, all!\n\nMy first novella, <i>The Minstrel</i> is now available through <a href=\"http://www.smashwords.com\">Smashwords</a>!\n\nThis tale of dark urban fantasy chronicles one night in the lives of two street thugs, when they attempt to rob what they think is a hapless street musician.  Sadly for them, their victim is much more than he appears, and they soon learn the error of their ways.\n\n<img src=\"/images/catalog/minstrel_cover_sm.jpg\" alt=\"cover art - the minstrel\">','Published - The Minstrel','','inherit','closed','closed','','72-revision-3','','','2013-06-28 23:27:36','2013-06-29 03:27:36','',72,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=75',0,'revision','',0),(76,2,'2013-06-28 23:31:50','2013-06-29 03:31:50','Greetings, all!\r\n\r\nMy first novella, <i>The Minstrel</i> is now available through <a href=\"http://www.smashwords.com\">Smashwords</a>! \r\n\r\nThis tale of dark urban fantasy chronicles one night in the lives of two street thugs, when they attempt to rob what they think is a hapless street musician.  Sadly for them, their victim is much more than he appears, and they soon learn the error of their ways.\r\n\r\n<img src=\"/images/catalog/minstrel_cover_lg.jpg\" alt=\"cover art - the minstrel\">\r\n\r\nClick <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/330341\">here</a> to read a synopsis and download your copy.\r\n\r\nAvailable in all e-book formats.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Published - The Minstrel','','inherit','closed','closed','','72-revision-4','','','2013-06-28 23:31:50','2013-06-29 03:31:50','',72,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=76',0,'revision','',0),(78,2,'2013-07-07 08:57:16','2013-07-07 12:57:16','Hot on the heels of publishing my novella on Smashwords.com, I\'m hard at work re-editing my first novel. I\'ve been working on this epic-length tale of dark suspense for some time, and will be creating not only the cover art, but several full-color interior paintings for it as well.\nStay tuned for updates!\n\n~Namaste','Hard at Work','','inherit','closed','closed','','77-revision','','','2013-07-07 08:57:16','2013-07-07 12:57:16','',77,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=78',0,'revision','',0),(83,2,'2013-07-29 16:30:55','2013-07-29 20:30:55','Well folks, I\'m up to chapter 10 on my rewrite of my first horror novel.  I completed this work some time ago, and had submitted it on a number of occasions, before taking a break to work on other projects, including <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/330341\">The Minstrel</a>, my first self-published novella, as well as working on several new novels.\r\nI had wondered why the work was rejected, and upon coming back to the manuscript this year, was horrified (pun definitely intended) by what I saw - poor sentence structure, repeating the same events in subsequent paragraphs . . . the list goes on.  Suffice to say, I was embarrassed to have ever submitted it.  This just goes to show that taking a break from a manuscript is good for the editing process. \r\nNow, however, the manuscript is finally coming together, and is something I can show without embarrassment.  I\'m almost halfway through, and have likely trimmed approximately 16000 words from the story.  \r\nAlmost halfway through now.  Soon, I can begin painting the cover and the interior illustrations.  With luck, I won\'t surpass the size limit on Smashwords for submission.  I really do want to include the artwork with this rewrite, which would be 5-6 full color paintings.  Guess we\'ll find out after the manuscript is finished.\r\nUntil next time!\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Hard at Work - Pt. 3','','publish','closed','closed','','hard-at-work-pt-3','','','2013-07-29 16:30:55','2013-07-29 20:30:55','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=83',0,'post','',0),(80,2,'2013-07-16 20:10:14','2013-07-17 00:10:14','I\'m still stoked after publishing my first novella, <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/330341\">The Minstrel</a> through the <a href=\"http://www.smashwords.com\">Smashwords Website</a>.\r\nI\'m currently editing my first novel, which I started much longer ago than I care to admit.  This epic-length tale of horror has undergone many revisions since I first conceived of the story, and this version is by far the best.  It seems the time writing other stories (the aforementioned novella as well as two other novels currently in development) gave me enough time off from that particular work to gain a fresh perspective.  Originally close to 300k words, I\'ve been cutting through it like a scythe, and the result has been a leaner, cleaner narrative.\r\nIt\'s funny, in a way.  When I finished the first draft (and every draft thereafter) I would look down on my creation and say \'it is good\'.  But after time away from it, I could see huge plot holes, as well as long expositional paragraphs that were completely unnecessary.  I will cut at least 25-30% of the word count by the time I finish.  Four chapters are in the can, and the chapter count may even change by the end (currently 22 and an epilogue).\r\nOnward to chapter 5!\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Hard At Work - Pt. 2','','publish','closed','closed','','hard-at-work-pt-2','','','2013-07-16 20:10:14','2013-07-17 00:10:14','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=80',0,'post','',0),(81,2,'2013-07-16 20:08:15','2013-07-17 00:08:15','I\'m still stoked after publishing my first novella, <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/330341\">The Minstrel</a> through the <a href=\"http://www.smashwords.com\">Smashwords Website</a>.\nI\'m currently editing my first novel, which I started much longer ago than I care to admit.  This epic-length tale of horror has undergone many revisions since I first conceived of the story, and this version is by far the best.  It seems the time writing other stories (the aforementioned novella as well as two other novels currently in development) gave me enough time off from that particular work to gain a fresh perspective.  Originally close to 300k words, I\'ve been cutting through it like a scythe, and the result has been a leaner, cleaner narrative.\nIt\'s funny, in a way.  When I finished the first draft (and every draft thereafter) I would look down on my creation and say \'it is good\'.  But after time away from it, I could see huge plot holes, as well as long expositional paragraphs that were completely unnecessary.  I will cut at least 25-30% of the word count by the time I finish.  Four chapters are in the can, and the chapter count may even change by the end (currently 22 and an epilogue).','Hard At Work - Pt. 2','','inherit','closed','closed','','80-revision','','','2013-07-16 20:08:15','2013-07-17 00:08:15','',80,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=81',0,'revision','',0),(82,2,'2013-07-16 20:10:16','2013-07-17 00:10:16','I\'m still stoked after publishing my first novella, <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/330341\">The Minstrel</a> through the <a href=\"http://www.smashwords.com\">Smashwords Website</a>.\nI\'m currently editing my first novel, which I started much longer ago than I care to admit.  This epic-length tale of horror has undergone many revisions since I first conceived of the story, and this version is by far the best.  It seems the time writing other stories (the aforementioned novella as well as two other novels currently in development) gave me enough time off from that particular work to gain a fresh perspective.  Originally close to 300k words, I\'ve been cutting through it like a scythe, and the result has been a leaner, cleaner narrative.\nIt\'s funny, in a way.  When I finished the first draft (and every draft thereafter) I would look down on my creation and say \'it is good\'.  But after time away from it, I could see huge plot holes, as well as long expositional paragraphs that were completely unnecessary.  I will cut at least 25-30% of the word count by the time I finish.  Four chapters are in the can, and the chapter count may even change by the end (currently 22 and an epilogue).\nOnward to chapter 5!\n\n~Namaste','Hard At Work - Pt. 2','','inherit','closed','closed','','80-autosave','','','2013-07-16 20:10:16','2013-07-17 00:10:16','',80,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=82',0,'revision','',0),(84,2,'2013-07-29 16:30:27','2013-07-29 20:30:27','Well folks, I\'m up to chapter 10 on my rewrite of my first horror novel.  I completed this work some time ago, and had submitted it on a number of occasions, before taking a break to work on other projects, including <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/330341\">The Minstrel</a>, my first self-published novella, as well as working on several new novels.\nI had wondered why the work was rejected, and upon coming back to the manuscript this year, was horrified (pun definitely intended) by what I saw - poor sentence structure, repeating the same events in subsequent paragraphs . . . the list goes on.  Suffice to say, I was embarrassed to have ever submitted it.  This just goes to show that taking a break from a manuscript is good for the editing process. \nNow, however, the manuscript is finally coming together, and is something I can show without embarrassment.  I\'m almost halfway through, and have likely trimmed approximately 16000 words from the story.  \nAlmost halfway through now.  Soon, I can begin painting the cover and the interior illustrations.  With luck, I won\'t surpass the size limit on Smashwords for submission.  I really do want to include the artwork with this rewrite, which would be 5-6 full color paintings.  Guess we\'ll find out after the manuscript is finished.\nUntil then\n\n~Namaste','Hard at Work - Pt. 3','','inherit','closed','closed','','83-revision','','','2013-07-29 16:30:27','2013-07-29 20:30:27','',83,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=84',0,'revision','',0),(90,2,'2013-10-07 00:08:40','2013-10-07 04:08:40','I\'m still hard at work editing my first horror novel.  Michelle learned she was expecting on August 14th, and since then, there has suddenly been a lot more to do.  I am working a full time job now, in addition to my training, webmaster duties, and all around go-to guy, so things have been pretty hectic.  I had hoped to have the rewrite done by now, and printed for final editing and revision, but that will have to come in its own time.  I do think, however, that this draft is far superior to the one before it, and as long as a writer can say that, they are moving forward, and that is a satisfying thing.  Much more news to come, so stay tuned!\r\n\r\n','Hard At Work Pt 4.','','inherit','closed','closed','','89-revision-v1','','','2013-10-07 00:08:40','2013-10-07 04:08:40','',89,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=90',0,'revision','',0),(86,2,'2013-08-05 14:40:33','2013-08-05 18:40:33','Eleven years ago today, I suffered a horrendous, near-fatal automobile accident.  As those who are close to me know (and especially those involved in the event), I dreamed the events of the accident for three days prior to it happening, in rather specific detail.  In the end, the exact details of that dream occurred, and I was ejected through the sunroof of an SUV that was flipping over at 40+ mph.  This resulted in a broken pelvis/spine, several nasty lacerations, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which I continue to deal with to this day.\r\nFor those who have had experience with the paranormal, this is not hard to accept.  For those who have not, it seems impossible.  I have been accused of \'believing my own press\' on more occasions than I can count, and my answer is always the same: of course I believe it, because I have lived it, all my life.  I pity these people in a way, for they will live their lives in a close-minded state that will not allow them to explore any of the greater mysteries around us.  This also applies to those who like to attempt to apply \'scientific\' analysis to something that is extremely difficult to quantify, as these events most often do not lend themselves to the standard scientific method, and are impossible to predict.  Those types like to spout their limited knowledge as proof of their assertions, but are, in the long run equally blind to aspects of reality beyond their understanding.\r\nI did not start life as a believer, but had my mind opened to these greater mysteries for me by living through a number of unexplainable events.  It is hard to keep living in denial when you, and those around you, actually live through them personally.  For me, it opened my mind, and changed the way I perceive the Universe around me, for the better, as it allows me to keep an open mind, and examine things from more than one perspective before I make a judgement.  It has also made me a target of criticism by those same close-minded people on more than one occasion, but that is a small price to pay.  I spend this day not in regrets of the injuries I received, but in renewing my appreciation of all my life has to offer.\r\nI am thankful for that day, not because it proved to me that we can indeed be given knowledge of the future, but because it taught me to value my time here on this world on a daily basis.  There are greater mysteries in the Universe, things we cannot readily explain at this point in our development, but we have to be open to those possibilities if we are to have any hope of unraveling them, or taking the next step in our logical, and spiritual, development.\r\n ','Eleven Years','','publish','closed','closed','','eleven-years','','','2013-08-05 14:40:33','2013-08-05 18:40:33','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=86',0,'post','',0),(87,2,'2013-08-05 14:34:59','2013-08-05 18:34:59','Eleven years ago today, I suffered a horrendous, near-fatal automobile accident.  As those who are close to me know (and especially those involved in the event), I dreamed the events of the accident for three days prior to it happening, in rather specific detail.  In the end, the exact details of that dream occurred, and I was ejected through the sunroof of an SUV that was flipping over at 40+ mph.  This resulted in a broken pelvis/spine, several nasty lacerations, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which I continue to deal with to this day.\nFor those who have had experience with the paranormal, this is not hard to accept.  For those who have not, it seems impossible.  I have been accused of \'believing my own press\' on more occasions than I can count, and my answer is always the same: of course I believe it, because I have lived it.  I pity these people in a way, for they will live their lives in a close-minded state that will not allow them to explore any of the greater mysteries around us.  This also applies to those who like to attempt to apply \'scientific\' analysis to something that is extremely difficult to quantify, as these events most often do not lend themselves to the standard scientific method, and are impossible to predict.  Those types like to spout their limited knowledge as proof of their assertions, but are, in the long run equally blind to aspects of reality beyond their understanding.\nI did not start life as a believer, but had my mind opened to these greater mysteries for me by living through a number of unexplainable events.  It is hard to keep living in denial when you, and those around you, actually live through them personally.  For me, it opened my mind, and changed the way I perceive the Universe around me, for the better, as it allows me to keep an open mind, and examine things from more than one perspective before I make a judgement.  It has also made me a target of criticism by those same close-minded people on more than one occasion, but that is a small price to pay.  I spend this day not in regrets of the injuries I received, but in renewing my appreciation of all my life has to offer.\nI am thankful for that day, not because it proved to me that we can indeed be given knowledge of the future, but because it taught me to value my time here on this world on a daily basis.  There are greater mysteries in the Universe, things we cannot readily explain at this point in our development, but we have to be open to those possibilities if we are to have any hope of unraveling them, or taking the next step in our logical, and spiritual, development.\n ','Eleven Years','','inherit','closed','closed','','86-revision','','','2013-08-05 14:34:59','2013-08-05 18:34:59','',86,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=87',0,'revision','',0),(88,2,'2013-08-05 14:35:59','2013-08-05 18:35:59','Eleven years ago today, I suffered a horrendous, near-fatal automobile accident.  As those who are close to me know (and especially those involved in the event), I dreamed the events of the accident for three days prior to it happening, in rather specific detail.  In the end, the exact details of that dream occurred, and I was ejected through the sunroof of an SUV that was flipping over at 40+ mph.  This resulted in a broken pelvis/spine, several nasty lacerations, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which I continue to deal with to this day.\nFor those who have had experience with the paranormal, this is not hard to accept.  For those who have not, it seems impossible.  I have been accused of \'believing my own press\' on more occasions than I can count, and my answer is always the same: of course I believe it, because I have lived it, all my life.  I pity these people in a way, for they will live their lives in a close-minded state that will not allow them to explore any of the greater mysteries around us.  This also applies to those who like to attempt to apply \'scientific\' analysis to something that is extremely difficult to quantify, as these events most often do not lend themselves to the standard scientific method, and are impossible to predict.  Those types like to spout their limited knowledge as proof of their assertions, but are, in the long run equally blind to aspects of reality beyond their understanding.\nI did not start life as a believer, but had my mind opened to these greater mysteries for me by living through a number of unexplainable events.  It is hard to keep living in denial when you, and those around you, actually live through them personally.  For me, it opened my mind, and changed the way I perceive the Universe around me, for the better, as it allows me to keep an open mind, and examine things from more than one perspective before I make a judgement.  It has also made me a target of criticism by those same close-minded people on more than one occasion, but that is a small price to pay.  I spend this day not in regrets of the injuries I received, but in renewing my appreciation of all my life has to offer.\nI am thankful for that day, not because it proved to me that we can indeed be given knowledge of the future, but because it taught me to value my time here on this world on a daily basis.  There are greater mysteries in the Universe, things we cannot readily explain at this point in our development, but we have to be open to those possibilities if we are to have any hope of unraveling them, or taking the next step in our logical, and spiritual, development.\n ','Eleven Years','','inherit','closed','closed','','86-revision-2','','','2013-08-05 14:35:59','2013-08-05 18:35:59','',86,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=88',0,'revision','',0),(89,2,'2013-10-07 00:08:40','2013-10-07 04:08:40','I\'m still hard at work editing my first horror novel.  Michelle learned she was expecting on August 14th, and since then, there has suddenly been a lot more to do.  I am working a full time job now, in addition to my training, webmaster duties, and all around go-to guy, so things have been pretty hectic.  I had hoped to have the rewrite done by now, and printed for final editing and revision, but that will have to come in its own time.  I do think, however, that this draft is far superior to the one before it, and as long as a writer can say that, they are moving forward, and that is a satisfying thing.  Much more news to come, so stay tuned!\r\n\r\n','Hard At Work Pt 4.','','publish','closed','closed','','hard-at-work-pt-4','','','2013-10-07 00:08:40','2013-10-07 04:08:40','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=89',0,'post','',0),(102,2,'2014-02-06 02:40:14','2014-02-06 07:40:14','Here is a preview of the second of five interior paintings from my upcoming work of horror fiction, <em>Highway Hypnosis</em>:\r\n\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img width=\"500px\" src=\"/images/catalog/dibbs_color_web.jpg\">\r\n</h1>\r\n\r\nThe novel has been proofread, and final editing begins soon.  Updates on this project will be ongoing, so stay tuned!','Interior Illustration #2','','publish','closed','closed','','interior-illustration-2','','','2014-02-06 02:40:14','2014-02-06 07:40:14','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=102',0,'post','',0),(92,2,'2013-10-31 14:26:03','2013-10-31 18:26:03','For those of you who do not know, my lovely Michelle is expecting a little girl, who is due around March 21st. We are both very excited to welcome another artist into our family!  ','Another Artist On the Way','','publish','closed','closed','','another-artist-on-the-way','','','2013-10-31 14:26:03','2013-10-31 18:26:03','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=92',0,'post','',0),(93,2,'2013-10-31 14:26:03','2013-10-31 18:26:03','For those of you who do not know, my lovely Michelle is expecting a little girl, who is due around March 21st. We are both very excited to welcome another artist into our family!  ','Another Artist On the Way','','inherit','closed','closed','','92-revision-v1','','','2013-10-31 14:26:03','2013-10-31 18:26:03','',92,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=93',0,'revision','',0),(95,2,'2013-12-16 01:09:08','2013-12-16 06:09:08','Greetings, all!\r\nI finished the latest edit/rewrite of my first horror novel yesterday.  I will be printing out a proofreader\'s copy, and working on the cover and interior illustrations in the coming weeks.  I hope to have the novel available on Smashwords.com sometime in January. This is a work I have nourished and nurtured for several years, over a decade in fact, and believe this revision has finally realized the potential of its premise.  I will post more details when the work becomes available.\r\nIn the meantime, have a wonderful holiday season everyone!\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Finished!','','publish','closed','closed','','finished','','','2013-12-16 01:09:08','2013-12-16 06:09:08','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=95',0,'post','',0),(96,2,'2013-12-16 01:09:08','2013-12-16 06:09:08','Greetings, all!\r\nI finished the latest edit/rewrite of my first horror novel yesterday.  I will be printing out a proofreader\'s copy, and working on the cover and interior illustrations in the coming weeks.  I hope to have the novel available on Smashwords.com sometime in January. This is a work I have nourished and nurtured for several years, over a decade in fact, and believe this revision has finally realized the potential of its premise.  I will post more details when the work becomes available.\r\nIn the meantime, have a wonderful holiday season everyone!\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Finished!','','inherit','closed','closed','','95-revision-v1','','','2013-12-16 01:09:08','2013-12-16 06:09:08','',95,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=96',0,'revision','',0),(99,2,'2014-01-05 00:18:14','2014-01-05 05:18:14','My newest novel is currently undergoing proofreading while I work on painting the cover and interior illustrations.  I finished painting the cover today, from a sketch (and later, a photoshopped mock-up) I made over a decade ago.  It\'s taken that long for me to bring this creation to light, and within a few weeks. will finally realize a dream I have had for many years: to create an epic-length horror novel.  Stay tuned for previews! ','Painting and Proofreading ','','publish','closed','closed','','painting-and-proofreading','','','2014-01-05 00:18:14','2014-01-05 05:18:14','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=99',0,'post','',0),(100,2,'2014-01-05 00:17:55','2014-01-05 05:17:55','My newest novel is currently undergoing proofreading while I work on painting the cover and interior illustrations.  I finished painting the cover today, from a sketch (and later, a photoshopped mock-up) I made over a decade ago.  It\'s taken that long for me to bring this creation to light, and within a few weeks. will finally realize a dream I have had for many years: to create an epic-length horror novel.  Stay tuned for previews! ','Painting and Proofreading ','','inherit','closed','closed','','99-revision-v1','','','2014-01-05 00:17:55','2014-01-05 05:17:55','',99,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=100',0,'revision','',0),(103,2,'2014-02-06 02:39:02','2014-02-06 07:39:02','Here is a preview of the second of five interior paintings from my upcoming work of horror fiction, <em>Highway Hypnosis</em>:\r\n\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img width=\"500px\" src=\"/images/catalog/dibbs_color_web.jpg\">\r\n</h1>\r\n\r\nThe novel has been proofread, and final editing begins soon.  Updates on this project will be ongoing, so stay tuned!','Interior Illustration #2','','inherit','closed','closed','','102-revision-v1','','','2014-02-06 02:39:02','2014-02-06 07:39:02','',102,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=103',0,'revision','',0),(104,2,'2014-02-07 21:39:04','2014-02-08 02:39:04','Here is a preview of the cover painting from my upcoming work of horror fiction, <em>Highway Hypnosis</em>:\r\n\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img width=\"500px\" src=\"/images/catalog/highway_cover_med2.jpg\">\r\n</h1>\r\n\r\nProofreading for the latest manuscript is finished, and I should be able to start final editing within the next week or so.','Cover Painting','','publish','closed','closed','','cover-painting','','','2014-04-04 15:23:42','2014-04-04 19:23:42','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=104',0,'post','',0),(105,2,'2014-02-07 21:38:24','2014-02-08 02:38:24','Here is a preview of the cover painting from my upcoming work of horror fiction, <em>Highway Hypnosis</em>:\r\n\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img width=\"500px\" src=\"/images/catalog/cover_med2.jpg\">\r\n</h1>\r\n\r\nProofreading for the latest manuscript is finished, and I should be able to start final editing within the next week or so.','Cover Painting','','inherit','closed','closed','','104-revision-v1','','','2014-02-07 21:38:24','2014-02-08 02:38:24','',104,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=105',0,'revision','',0),(112,2,'2014-04-02 07:14:38','2014-04-02 11:14:38','Please welcome the newest addition to our creative family!  Little Savannah Rose was born on Feb. 7th, 2014.  She was six weeks early, and weighed in at 5 lbs. 15 oz.\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/misc/nicu_03.jpg\" width=\"500px\">\r\n</h1>\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/misc/nicu_04.jpg\" width=\"500px\">\r\n</h1>\r\n\r\nWe look forward to showing her the many wonders in the world, and look forward to introducing her to many creative mediums in the future.  It\'s been a rough road so far, but she is getting stronger as time passes, and are looking forward to many happy times together in the future.  It is my birthday today, and I cannot think of a better gift than seeing her big bright eyes look into mine.  She is the best present one could hope for, and has added a whole new dimension to my life.  Thank you, Michelle, for giving me such a wonderful, wondrous gift, for little else could enrich my life to such an extent as this precious jewel of a child.  At my age, I thought I had pretty much seen it all, but I never could have predicted the joy and awe she brings to me every day.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','New Addition','','publish','closed','closed','','new-addition','','','2014-04-02 07:14:38','2014-04-02 11:14:38','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=112',0,'post','',0),(113,2,'2014-04-02 07:01:09','2014-04-02 11:01:09','Please welcome the newest addition to our creative family!  Little Savannah Rose was born on Feb. 7th, 2014.  She was six weeks early, and weighed in at 5 lbs. 15 oz.\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/misc/nicu03.jpg\" width=\"500px\">\r\n</h1>','New Addition','','inherit','closed','closed','','112-revision-v1','','','2014-04-02 07:01:09','2014-04-02 11:01:09','',112,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=113',0,'revision','',0),(114,2,'2014-04-02 07:02:10','2014-04-02 11:02:10','Please welcome the newest addition to our creative family!  Little Savannah Rose was born on Feb. 7th, 2014.  She was six weeks early, and weighed in at 5 lbs. 15 oz.\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/misc/nicu_03.jpg\" width=\"500px\">\r\n</h1>\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/misc/nicu_04.jpg\" width=\"500px\">\r\n</h1>','New Addition','','inherit','closed','closed','','112-revision-v1','','','2014-04-02 07:02:10','2014-04-02 11:02:10','',112,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=114',0,'revision','',0),(115,2,'2014-04-02 07:05:23','2014-04-02 11:05:23','Please welcome the newest addition to our creative family!  Little Savannah Rose was born on Feb. 7th, 2014.  She was six weeks early, and weighed in at 5 lbs. 15 oz.\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/misc/nicu_03.jpg\" width=\"500px\">\r\n</h1>\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/misc/nicu_04.jpg\" width=\"500px\">\r\n</h1>\r\n\r\nWe look forward to showing her the many wonders in the world, and look forward to introducing her to many creative mediums.','New Addition','','inherit','closed','closed','','112-revision-v1','','','2014-04-02 07:05:23','2014-04-02 11:05:23','',112,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=115',0,'revision','',0),(116,2,'2014-04-02 07:14:03','2014-04-02 11:14:03','Please welcome the newest addition to our creative family!  Little Savannah Rose was born on Feb. 7th, 2014.  She was six weeks early, and weighed in at 5 lbs. 15 oz.\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/misc/nicu_03.jpg\" width=\"500px\">\r\n</h1>\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/misc/nicu_04.jpg\" width=\"500px\">\r\n</h1>\r\n\r\nWe look forward to showing her the many wonders in the world, and look forward to introducing her to many creative mediums in the future.  It\'s been a rough road so far, but she is getting stronger as time passes, and are looking forward to many happy times together in the future.  It is my birthday today, and I cannot think of a better gift than seeing her big bright eyes look into mine.  She is the best present one could hope for, and has added a whole new dimension to my life.  Thank you, Michelle, for giving me such a wonderful, wondrous gift, for little else could enrich my life to such an extent as this precious jewel of a child.  At my age, I thought I had pretty much seen it all, but I never could have predicted the joy and awe she brings to me every day.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','New Addition','','inherit','closed','closed','','112-revision-v1','','','2014-04-02 07:14:03','2014-04-02 11:14:03','',112,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=116',0,'revision','',0),(117,2,'2014-04-04 15:23:42','2014-04-04 19:23:42','Here is a preview of the cover painting from my upcoming work of horror fiction, <em>Highway Hypnosis</em>:\r\n\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img width=\"500px\" src=\"/images/catalog/highway_cover_med2.jpg\">\r\n</h1>\r\n\r\nProofreading for the latest manuscript is finished, and I should be able to start final editing within the next week or so.','Cover Painting','','inherit','closed','closed','','104-revision-v1','','','2014-04-04 15:23:42','2014-04-04 19:23:42','',104,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=117',0,'revision','',0),(118,2,'2014-04-04 15:31:53','0000-00-00 00:00:00','We\'ve finally started to settle into our new schedule with our newest little artist, Savannah, and I will begin to work on illustration #3 for my upcoming novel, <I>Highway Hypnosis</I>.\nAlthough the image can also be found in the gallery section of our site, here is a black and white preview:\n<br>\n<h1 align=\"center\">\n<img src=\"/images/catalog/serpent_sketch_01.jpg\">\n</h1>\n<br>\n\nThe color version will be previewed here soon, so stay tuned!\n\n~Namaste','Back to Work','','draft','closed','closed','','','','','2014-04-04 15:31:53','2014-04-04 19:31:53','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=118',0,'post','',0),(119,2,'2014-04-04 15:31:18','2014-04-04 19:31:18','We\'ve finally started to settle into our new schedule with our newest little artist, Savannah, and I will begin to work on illustration #3 for my upcoming novel, <I>Highway Hypnosis</I>.\r\nAlthough the image can also be found in the gallery section of our site, here is a black and white preview:\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/catalog/serpent_sketch_01.jpg\">\r\n</h1>\r\n<br>\r\n\r\nThe color version will be previewed here soon, so stay tuned!\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Back to Work','','inherit','closed','closed','','118-revision-v1','','','2014-04-04 15:31:18','2014-04-04 19:31:18','',118,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=119',0,'revision','',0),(120,2,'2014-04-06 02:12:56','2014-04-06 06:12:56','I\'m busy working on illustration #3 for my upcoming novel, <I>Highway Hypnosis</I>.  I\'ll have a color preview up in a few days, but here is a preview, based on the sketch I made for the project.\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/art/serpent_sketch_01.jpg\" width=\"500\">\r\n</h1>\r\n<br>\r\n\r\nI should be posting the colored version soon, so stay tuned!\r\n\r\n','Current Artwork','','publish','closed','closed','','current-artwork','','','2014-04-06 02:12:56','2014-04-06 06:12:56','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=120',0,'post','',0),(121,2,'2014-04-06 02:01:03','2014-04-06 06:01:03','I\'m busy working on illustration #3 for my upcoming novel, <I>Highway Hypnosis</I>.  I\'ll have a color preview up in a few days, but here is a preview, based on the sketch I made for the project.\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/art/serpent_aketch_01.jpg\">\r\n</h1>','Current Artwork','','inherit','closed','closed','','120-revision-v1','','','2014-04-06 02:01:03','2014-04-06 06:01:03','',120,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=121',0,'revision','',0),(122,2,'2014-04-06 02:11:08','2014-04-06 06:11:08','I\'m busy working on illustration #3 for my upcoming novel, <I>Highway Hypnosis</I>.  I\'ll have a color preview up in a few days, but here is a preview, based on the sketch I made for the project.\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/art/serpent_sketch_01.jpg\">\r\n</h1>','Current Artwork','','inherit','closed','closed','','120-revision-v1','','','2014-04-06 02:11:08','2014-04-06 06:11:08','',120,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=122',0,'revision','',0),(123,2,'2014-04-06 02:11:35','2014-04-06 06:11:35','I\'m busy working on illustration #3 for my upcoming novel, <I>Highway Hypnosis</I>.  I\'ll have a color preview up in a few days, but here is a preview, based on the sketch I made for the project.\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/art/serpent_sketch_01.jpg\" width=\"500\">\r\n</h1>','Current Artwork','','inherit','closed','closed','','120-revision-v1','','','2014-04-06 02:11:35','2014-04-06 06:11:35','',120,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=123',0,'revision','',0),(124,2,'2014-04-06 02:12:56','2014-04-06 06:12:56','I\'m busy working on illustration #3 for my upcoming novel, <I>Highway Hypnosis</I>.  I\'ll have a color preview up in a few days, but here is a preview, based on the sketch I made for the project.\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/art/serpent_sketch_01.jpg\" width=\"500\">\r\n</h1>\r\n<br>\r\n\r\nI should be posting the colored version soon, so stay tuned!\r\n\r\n','Current Artwork','','inherit','closed','closed','','120-revision-v1','','','2014-04-06 02:12:56','2014-04-06 06:12:56','',120,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=124',0,'revision','',0),(126,2,'2014-04-13 15:46:59','2014-04-13 19:46:59','I\'ve speculated recently that perhaps I missed my true calling.  Oh, I\'m not ready to entirely give up writing fiction, don\'t you worry - but I think I would be much better as an independent editorial writer or political journalist.  I\'d like to be that kind of novelist that never rocks the boat, that writes for as wide an audience as possible in order to maximize sales - but I just don\'t know if I can do it.  I see so much wrong with the world, with <i>us</i>, that I feel the almost constant urge to do whatever I can to bring those observations to light.  The best way I know how to do this, is through writing.\r\nSo, in addition to posts about upcoming work, you will see a good number of \'rant\' posts here in the future. I know I may lose a few fans in the process, and may stir up a bit of controversy, but that is the price that must be paid.  I can not just sit, silent, while we send our entire species hurtling toward extinction.  I hope I do tread on some toes, start some controversy, because then I will have done my job.  I hope that by doing do, I can shed some light on issues facing us as human beings, and maybe even get some people mad enough to join in solving those issues.\r\nOne can only hope.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Missed Calling','','publish','closed','closed','','missed-calling','','','2014-04-13 15:46:59','2014-04-13 19:46:59','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=126',0,'post','',0),(127,2,'2014-04-13 15:46:47','2014-04-13 19:46:47','I\'ve speculated recently that perhaps I missed my true calling.  Oh, I\'m not ready to entirely give up writing fiction, don\'t you worry - but I think I would be much better as an independent editorial writer or political journalist.  I\'d like to be that kind of novelist that never rocks the boat, that writes for as wide an audience as possible in order to maximize sales - but I just don\'t know if I can do it.  I see so much wrong with the world, with <i>us</i>, that I feel the almost constant urge to do whatever I can to bring those observations to light.  The best way I know how to do this, is through writing.\r\nSo, in addition to posts about upcoming work, you will see a good number of \'rant\' posts here in the future. I know I may lose a few fans in the process, and may stir up a bit of controversy, but that is the price that must be paid.  I can not just sit, silent, while we send our entire species hurtling toward extinction.  I hope I do tread on some toes, start some controversy, because then I will have done my job.  I hope that by doing do, I can shed some light on issues facing us as human beings, and maybe even get some people mad enough to join in solving those issues.\r\nOne can only hope.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Missed Calling','','inherit','closed','closed','','126-revision-v1','','','2014-04-13 15:46:47','2014-04-13 19:46:47','',126,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=127',0,'revision','',0),(129,2,'2014-05-01 16:43:18','2014-05-01 20:43:18','Here is illustration number three for my upcoming horror novel, <I>Highway Hypnosis</I>.  The manuscript is in its final stages, and should be available on Smashwords soon!  Stay tuned!\r\n\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/misc/serpent01_web_sm.jpg\">\r\n</h1>','Illustration #3','','publish','closed','closed','','illustration-3','','','2014-05-01 16:43:18','2014-05-01 20:43:18','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=129',0,'post','',0),(130,2,'2014-05-01 16:41:47','2014-05-01 20:41:47','Here is illustration number three for my upcoming horror novel, <I>Highway Hypnosis</I>.  The manuscript is in its final stages, and should be available on Smashwords soon!  Stay tuned!\r\n\r\n<br>\r\n<h1 align=\"center\">\r\n<img src=\"/images/misc/serpent01_web_sm.jpg\">\r\n</h1>','Illustration #3','','inherit','closed','closed','','129-revision-v1','','','2014-05-01 16:41:47','2014-05-01 20:41:47','',129,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=130',0,'revision','',0),(139,2,'2014-12-07 15:00:36','2014-12-07 20:00:36','Well, folks, quite a bit has transpired since the Ohio debacle.  I\'ve moved to what I hope is a friendlier state, watched my baby daughter grow into a beautiful toddler, and finally made an honest woman of her mother.  Michelle and I tied the knot on November 14th - five years to the day after she decided to be my girlfriend.\r\nIt hasn\'t been an easy road; dealing with a ten month old for most of the day makes for hectic times, and in between my duties as new father and husband (a title I once thought I\'d never have again), I\'ve had little time to devote to this blog, or writing in general.  At present, most of my resource material (as well as the majority of my furniture) are still being held prisoner in OHio.  Our house is devoid of books, shelves, and pretty much everything else but for a bed, crib, and computer table.  Meanwhile, I continue my quest to land a \'real job\' in either web programming or other IT related businesses, in order to afford to bring the rest of our belongings home.\r\nThings are going to change however, and I believe it will be for the best.  Web and graphic design has long been an interest of mine, and as I continue to learn, I apply that knowledge as best I can.  In managing this site and others, I\'ve come to see what parts need trimming, what needs updating, and better ways to present what is meant to be both an informative and entertaining web experience.  I will be condensing the links section, as well as making other changes, both visually and structurally, in order to better showcase my work.\r\nSo keep an eye out for big changes for the coming year, along with the release of my newest novel at Smashwords.com, coming soon to an e-reader near you!\r\n\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Changes, Past, Present, & Future','','publish','closed','closed','','changes-past-present-future','','','2014-12-07 15:00:36','2014-12-07 20:00:36','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=139',0,'post','',0),(140,2,'2014-12-07 15:00:36','2014-12-07 20:00:36','Well, folks, quite a bit has transpired since the Ohio debacle.  I\'ve moved to what I hope is a friendlier state, watched my baby daughter grow into a beautiful toddler, and finally made an honest woman of her mother.  Michelle and I tied the knot on November 14th - five years to the day after she decided to be my girlfriend.\r\nIt hasn\'t been an easy road; dealing with a ten month old for most of the day makes for hectic times, and in between my duties as new father and husband (a title I once thought I\'d never have again), I\'ve had little time to devote to this blog, or writing in general.  At present, most of my resource material (as well as the majority of my furniture) are still being held prisoner in OHio.  Our house is devoid of books, shelves, and pretty much everything else but for a bed, crib, and computer table.  Meanwhile, I continue my quest to land a \'real job\' in either web programming or other IT related businesses, in order to afford to bring the rest of our belongings home.\r\nThings are going to change however, and I believe it will be for the best.  Web and graphic design has long been an interest of mine, and as I continue to learn, I apply that knowledge as best I can.  In managing this site and others, I\'ve come to see what parts need trimming, what needs updating, and better ways to present what is meant to be both an informative and entertaining web experience.  I will be condensing the links section, as well as making other changes, both visually and structurally, in order to better showcase my work.\r\nSo keep an eye out for big changes for the coming year, along with the release of my newest novel at Smashwords.com, coming soon to an e-reader near you!\r\n\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Changes, Past, Present, & Future','','inherit','closed','closed','','139-revision-v1','','','2014-12-07 15:00:36','2014-12-07 20:00:36','',139,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=140',0,'revision','',0),(141,2,'2015-05-03 21:45:57','2015-05-04 01:45:57','I have not been able to update my blog as often as I would like, as I inadvertently locked myself out of Wordpress by changing my webserver settings in order to develop new site layouts for all my domains.  This means I will be updating both the graphics and functionality of MichaelVain.Net, and will be adding video blogs to my site on a more regular basis.\r\nSo stay tuned.  I have lots to post in the coming months, and have news on several exciting writing projects as well.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Website News ','','publish','closed','closed','','website-news','','','2015-05-03 21:45:57','2015-05-04 01:45:57','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=141',0,'post','',0),(142,2,'2015-05-03 21:45:57','2015-05-04 01:45:57','I have not been able to update my blog as often as I would like, as I inadvertently locked myself out of Wordpress by changing my webserver settings in order to develop new site layouts for all my domains.  This means I will be updating both the graphics and functionality of MichaelVain.Net, and will be adding video blogs to my site on a more regular basis.\r\nSo stay tuned.  I have lots to post in the coming months, and have news on several exciting writing projects as well.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Website News ','','inherit','closed','closed','','141-revision-v1','','','2015-05-03 21:45:57','2015-05-04 01:45:57','',141,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=142',0,'revision','',0),(153,2,'2015-08-06 13:21:29','2015-08-06 17:21:29','Thirteen years, it’s been, since an event that changed the course of my life, and nearly ended it.  I’ve lost count, during those years, of the times I’ve had to defend the truth of those events., but I no longer do so; either my testimony is enough, or it is not.  I do not pander to skeptics and the closed-minded, but instead only offer a different way of looking at the reality around us, in an attempt to widen the perspective of those who entertain a broader view, just as my perspective has been widened by the events I have experienced.\r\n	I used to think, back when pain was my sole companion, that it couldn’t get much worse, that I had experienced the worst life could throw at me, barring death, and that no matter what came next, it would have to be better than what I was going through.\r\n	Then, Ohio happened.  Ohio, with its vile, corrupt, pathetic examples of ‘authority’ and ‘civil service’, such as Keith Loreno, the bloated, puckering asshole that is Mark Repp, and his miserable, double digit IQ cronies.  These reprobates, none of them capable to surviving outside of their little shit-stain of a town, pervert justice and criminalize innocent people for the sake of a dollar, and to assuage their tiny egos, something that in another time, would have earned them a place behind bars, if they were lucky.\r\n	I’ll be writing more about these sick, twisted pieces of human filth in the future, of that, you can be sure.  I have video I’ll be posting as well, as those that know me, know I make no claims that I can’t back up.\r\n	Speaking of videos, I’ll be making a good deal of them in the near future.  In addition to writing, producing accompanying artwork, painting furniture, and caring for an energetic toddler, I am revamping both my art and writing sites.  I put up the MichaelVain.net site back when I first started dabbling with web design.  I had hoped to update the site on a regular basis, but with wearing so many hats, (not to mention all the time I’ve had to waste dealing with cowards in uniforms attempting to fuck with my life) there is never enough time to get everything finished as quickly as I would like.  Still, the changes are coming.  There will be some slight changes to the navigation, in order to make the catalog section more prominent, and may change the photo gallery section to better display the art I create for my writing.  There will be new graphics in which to display the site, as well as some other changes, so stay tuned\r\n','Thirteen Years Ago','','publish','closed','closed','','thirteen-years-ago','','','2015-08-06 13:21:29','2015-08-06 17:21:29','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=153',0,'post','',0),(154,2,'2015-08-06 13:21:29','2015-08-06 17:21:29','Thirteen years, it’s been, since an event that changed the course of my life, and nearly ended it.  I’ve lost count, during those years, of the times I’ve had to defend the truth of those events., but I no longer do so; either my testimony is enough, or it is not.  I do not pander to skeptics and the closed-minded, but instead only offer a different way of looking at the reality around us, in an attempt to widen the perspective of those who entertain a broader view, just as my perspective has been widened by the events I have experienced.\r\n	I used to think, back when pain was my sole companion, that it couldn’t get much worse, that I had experienced the worst life could throw at me, barring death, and that no matter what came next, it would have to be better than what I was going through.\r\n	Then, Ohio happened.  Ohio, with its vile, corrupt, pathetic examples of ‘authority’ and ‘civil service’, such as Keith Loreno, the bloated, puckering asshole that is Mark Repp, and his miserable, double digit IQ cronies.  These reprobates, none of them capable to surviving outside of their little shit-stain of a town, pervert justice and criminalize innocent people for the sake of a dollar, and to assuage their tiny egos, something that in another time, would have earned them a place behind bars, if they were lucky.\r\n	I’ll be writing more about these sick, twisted pieces of human filth in the future, of that, you can be sure.  I have video I’ll be posting as well, as those that know me, know I make no claims that I can’t back up.\r\n	Speaking of videos, I’ll be making a good deal of them in the near future.  In addition to writing, producing accompanying artwork, painting furniture, and caring for an energetic toddler, I am revamping both my art and writing sites.  I put up the MichaelVain.net site back when I first started dabbling with web design.  I had hoped to update the site on a regular basis, but with wearing so many hats, (not to mention all the time I’ve had to waste dealing with cowards in uniforms attempting to fuck with my life) there is never enough time to get everything finished as quickly as I would like.  Still, the changes are coming.  There will be some slight changes to the navigation, in order to make the catalog section more prominent, and may change the photo gallery section to better display the art I create for my writing.  There will be new graphics in which to display the site, as well as some other changes, so stay tuned\r\n','Thirteen Years Ago','','inherit','closed','closed','','153-revision-v1','','','2015-08-06 13:21:29','2015-08-06 17:21:29','',153,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=154',0,'revision','',0),(156,2,'2015-09-28 14:41:42','2015-09-28 18:41:42','I recently finished redesigning our art site, and have begun working on the new layout for MichaelVain.net.  Wearing so many hats has a tendency to slow things down, and I realized just how much time has gone by since I last updated this site.  With time, also comes perspective, so expect major changes in the future, including a slightly different look for this blog.  As with my other sites, some sections will have to go, while others will change in functionality, as dictated by the changing landscape of the web.  All in all, I feel it will be a more dynamic, and visually striking experience when I am finished.\r\n\r\n\r\n~Namaste','More Website News','','publish','closed','closed','','more-website-news','','','2016-02-18 12:35:37','2016-02-18 17:35:37','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=156',0,'post','',0),(197,2,'2016-02-17 22:00:23','2016-02-18 03:00:23','I recently finished redesigning our art site, and have begun working on the new layout for MichaelVain.net.  Wearing so many hats has a tendency to slow things down, and I realized just how much time has gone by since I last updated this site.  With time, also comes perspective, so expect major changes in the future, including a slightly different look for this blog.  As with my other sites, some sections will have to go, while others will change in functionality, as dictated by the changing landscape of the web.  All in all, I feel it will be a more dynamic, and visually striking experience when I am finished.\r\n\r\n\r\n~Namaste','More Website News','','inherit','closed','closed','','156-revision-v1','','','2016-02-17 22:00:23','2016-02-18 03:00:23','',156,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=197',0,'revision','',0),(157,2,'2015-09-28 14:41:42','2015-09-28 18:41:42','I recently finished redesigning our art site, and have begun working on the new layout for MichaelVain.net.  Wearing so many hats has a tendency to slow things down, as I am always working on multiple projects (and defending myself from the ass-hattery of idiots like Mark Repp and his cronies in Ohio), and I realized just how much time has gone by since I last updated this site.  With time, also comes perspective, so expect major changes in the future, including a slightly different look for this blog.  As with my other sites, some sections will have to go, while others will change in functionality, as dictated by the changing landscape of the web.  All in all, I feel it will be a more dynamic, and visually striking experience when I am finished.\r\nI still intend to post the videos that show my abuse at the hands of Tiffin, Ohio, and will have video entries on my blog, but I have books to publish, sites to update, and justice to demand before that can happen.\r\nBut happen it will.\r\nBelieve me.\r\nStay tuned.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','More Website News','','inherit','closed','closed','','156-revision-v1','','','2015-09-28 14:41:42','2015-09-28 18:41:42','',156,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=157',0,'revision','',0),(159,2,'2015-11-24 21:15:00','2015-11-25 02:15:00','In addition to the other writing projects I have going, I have also begun the first full revision for this website in five years.  Numerous things have kept me busy during that time, and the site was allowed to languish, aside from the updates made necessary by new art and writing releases.  All new graphics, menus, and layout are coming soon!  I\'ll be updating the galleries section to better integrate the look into the overall scheme of the site, and updating the general function of the site.  As with my art site, the blog will be the last section to be given an update; I\'m just one person, and skinning wordpress blogs is a skill I\'ve yet to develop.  Never fear, however, for p0nce I set my eyes on a goal, I don\'t rest until I achieve it.\r\nOverall, I\'m very pleased with the new look I\"m developing.  Similar to the current version, I\'m keeping with stone textures, but am working on an overall tomb motif.  I think the darker themes are much more suited to the theme of the site.  Bright colors and happy fonts do not for a scary impression make.\r\nThe main graphics for the backgrounds of the pages have been finished, and now the real grunt work begins: navigation, titles, miscellaneous graphics, and lots of coding are still on the horizon.  With luck, the site will be finished in time for the release of my long-awaited horror novel.  I hope to be able to add print options in addition to the currently available e=reader formats for my various works.\r\nSo stay tuned = 2016 is shaping up to be a very productive year!\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Even More Website News ','','publish','closed','closed','','even-more-website-news','','','2015-11-24 21:15:00','2015-11-25 02:15:00','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=159',0,'post','',0),(160,2,'2015-11-24 21:15:00','2015-11-25 02:15:00','In addition to the other writing projects I have going, I have also begun the first full revision for this website in five years.  Numerous things have kept me busy during that time, and the site was allowed to languish, aside from the updates made necessary by new art and writing releases.  All new graphics, menus, and layout are coming soon!  I\'ll be updating the galleries section to better integrate the look into the overall scheme of the site, and updating the general function of the site.  As with my art site, the blog will be the last section to be given an update; I\'m just one person, and skinning wordpress blogs is a skill I\'ve yet to develop.  Never fear, however, for p0nce I set my eyes on a goal, I don\'t rest until I achieve it.\r\nOverall, I\'m very pleased with the new look I\"m developing.  Similar to the current version, I\'m keeping with stone textures, but am working on an overall tomb motif.  I think the darker themes are much more suited to the theme of the site.  Bright colors and happy fonts do not for a scary impression make.\r\nThe main graphics for the backgrounds of the pages have been finished, and now the real grunt work begins: navigation, titles, miscellaneous graphics, and lots of coding are still on the horizon.  With luck, the site will be finished in time for the release of my long-awaited horror novel.  I hope to be able to add print options in addition to the currently available e=reader formats for my various works.\r\nSo stay tuned = 2016 is shaping up to be a very productive year!\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Even More Website News ','','inherit','closed','closed','','159-revision-v1','','','2015-11-24 21:15:00','2015-11-25 02:15:00','',159,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=160',0,'revision','',0),(162,2,'2015-12-26 11:57:09','2015-12-26 16:57:09','WEBSITE NEWS\r\n\r\nAs most will have already noticed, the new website revision is finished.  Five years was way too long to go without changing the look of the site, but I wear many hats in addition to that of Author.  Parent, artist, husband, and activist are but a few of the many I get to wear during a typical day.  But now, going forward, I finally managed to squeeze in enough time in my busy schedule to rewrite the site. Sadly, some sections, like the links pages (my personal favorite) had to go, for various reasons.  I hated to see them go, but I believe it was the right thing to do.  I\'ll be placing a good number of those links in upcoming blog posts.\r\nAs you can see, the blog portion of the site has not been skinned to match the rest of the site. I use Wordpress for my blogs, and skinning them is a whole \'nother animal when it comes to working in web design.  I learn as much as I can by doing, and will get around to the blogs on both this site and my art site, http:www.reincarnations.com\r\n\r\nNamaste','News - 12/26/15','','publish','closed','closed','','news-122615','','','2016-02-17 21:58:56','2016-02-18 02:58:56','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=162',0,'post','',0),(196,2,'2016-02-17 21:58:56','2016-02-18 02:58:56','WEBSITE NEWS\r\n\r\nAs most will have already noticed, the new website revision is finished.  Five years was way too long to go without changing the look of the site, but I wear many hats in addition to that of Author.  Parent, artist, husband, and activist are but a few of the many I get to wear during a typical day.  But now, going forward, I finally managed to squeeze in enough time in my busy schedule to rewrite the site. Sadly, some sections, like the links pages (my personal favorite) had to go, for various reasons.  I hated to see them go, but I believe it was the right thing to do.  I\'ll be placing a good number of those links in upcoming blog posts.\r\nAs you can see, the blog portion of the site has not been skinned to match the rest of the site. I use Wordpress for my blogs, and skinning them is a whole \'nother animal when it comes to working in web design.  I learn as much as I can by doing, and will get around to the blogs on both this site and my art site, http:www.reincarnations.com\r\n\r\nNamaste','News - 12/26/15','','inherit','closed','closed','','162-revision-v1','','','2016-02-17 21:58:56','2016-02-18 02:58:56','',162,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=196',0,'revision','',0),(163,2,'2015-12-26 11:57:09','2015-12-26 16:57:09','WEBSITE NEWS\r\n\r\nAs most will have already noticed, the new website revision is finished.  Five years was way too long to go without changing the look of the site, but I wear many hats in addition to that of Author.  Parent, artist, husband, and activist are but a few of the many I get to wear during a typical day.  But now, going forward, I finally managed to squeeze in enough time in my busy schedule to rewrite the site. Sadly, some sections, like the links pages (my personal favorite) had to go, for various reasons.  I hated to see them go, but I believe it was the right thing to do.  I\'ll be placing a good number of those links in upcoming blog posts.\r\nAs you can see, the blog portion of the site has not been skinned to match the rest of the site. I use Wordpress for my blogs, and skinning them is a whole \'nother animal when it comes to working in web design.  I learn as much as I can by doing, and will get around to the blogs on both this site and my art site, http:www.reincarnations.com\r\n\r\nOTHER NEWS\r\n\r\nNow that the websites have been revamped, I can move on to more important matters.  Of course, I can now finish the remaining illustrations for my upcoming horror novel, due out in February (the date may change, depending on just how quickly I can finish the art and formatting), but will also finally have time to address the egregious, nasty, and illegal actions by both the Tiffin Municipal Court, and the Greenville District/Superior Courts.  These corrupt, incompetent ass-hats have crossed the line too many times, so be prepared to see a lot on my blog and other sites about this issue.  Memes, articles, videos, and more are coming.  I\'m going to do my absolute best to bring \'revenue generation\' laws to an end in these areas, and expose Mark Repp, Keith Loreno, Dean Henry, as well as the idiot clerks in the Tiffin Court, as well as the morons in Greenville, get exactly what they deserve.\r\n\r\n2016 is not looking to be a <i>fun</i> year for me, but it\'ll be a <i>productive</i> one.\r\nYou bet your ass.\r\n\r\nNamaste','News - 12/26/15','','inherit','closed','closed','','162-revision-v1','','','2015-12-26 11:57:09','2015-12-26 16:57:09','',162,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=163',0,'revision','',0),(165,2,'2016-02-07 15:29:54','2016-02-07 20:29:54','Dearest Savannah,\r\n\r\nTwo years ago today, you came into the world.  Your mother and I went months without knowing if you would even make it into the world, and when you were born, you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.  We lived with uncertainty every day, and the fear we would never hear you laugh, or see you smile.  That we were blessed with such a wonderful, amazing little girl was, to me, a proof that miracles exist.\r\nI\'m so sorry that I cannot spend this most special day with you.  I would give almost anything to see you smile again, to watch you express the wonder and joy at the world in your own special way.  It breaks my heart that I don\'t know where you are, or to be able to protect you as I had every day since you were born.  Your Daddy has given so much, lost so much, including his freedom, to forces beyond his control, and for that, I am forever sorry. You were conceived in love, and when your mother told me she was pregnant, I felt more joy than I could ever describe.\r\nSince then, I was with you every day it was possible.  I have watched you go from tiny, helpless infant, to an amazing, sweet child who explores the world with a sense of wide-eyed wonder and who gives nothing but love and smiles to anyone willing to accept it, and it has been the most beautiful experience of my life.  Every moment I have spent with you will be forever ingrained in my memory, and it is my fondest, deepest wish, that those days are not forever behind us.\r\nYou are, and will forever be, the guiding light of my life.  I miss having you take my finger, and have you take me with you to play with your blocks.  We would watch Mother Goose club every day, and your smile you gave me when I sang to you will be forever etched upon my memory.  Whatever happens, whatever you may hear in the future, I hope you will know that your Daddy misses and loves you.\r\nI hope your birthday is filled with laughter and smiles, and that one day, we can be reunited.  I want nothing more than to see the love in your eyes that you gave me every day.  You went to bed one night, after your Daddy was there every day, and then the next, I was gone.  I wish I could tell you what happened, but I am as much in the dark as you; I woke one day with hope for our future, and then, within the space of but a day, everything changed.\r\nI will always love you, my little miracle.  Nothing will change that, despite whatever the future holds in store.\r\nBe strong, be yourself, and keep sending your special love out into the world.\r\nDaddy loves you, more than anything, and he always will.\r\n\r\n[caption id=\"attachment_166\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"225\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/SavannahandDaddy01.jpg\"><img src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/SavannahandDaddy01-225x300.jpg\" alt=\"My little Miracle\" width=\"225\" height=\"300\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-166\" /></a> My little Miracle[/caption]\r\n\r\n','The Most Special Day','','publish','closed','closed','','the-most-special-day','','','2016-02-07 15:29:54','2016-02-07 20:29:54','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=165',0,'post','',0),(166,2,'2016-02-07 15:27:36','2016-02-07 20:27:36','Holding my little one','Savannah and Daddy','My little Miracle','inherit','closed','closed','','savannahanddaddy01','','','2016-02-07 15:27:36','2016-02-07 20:27:36','',165,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/SavannahandDaddy01.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(167,2,'2016-02-07 15:28:58','2016-02-07 20:28:58','Dearest Savannah,\r\n\r\nTwo years ago today, you came into the world.  Your mother and I went months without knowing if you would even make it into the world, and when you were born, you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.  We lived with uncertainty every day, and the fear we would never hear you laugh, or see you smile.  That we were blessed with such a wonderful, amazing little girl was, to me, a proof that miracles exist.\r\nI\'m so sorry that I cannot spend this most special day with you.  I would give almost anything to see you smile again, to watch you express the wonder and joy at the world in your own special way.  It breaks my heart that I don\'t know where you are, or to be able to protect you as I had every day since you were born.  Your Daddy has given so much, lost so much, including his freedom, to forces beyond his control, and for that, I am forever sorry. You were conceived in love, and when your mother told me she was pregnant, I felt more joy than I could ever describe.\r\nSince then, I was with you every day it was possible.  I have watched you go from tiny, helpless infant, to an amazing, sweet child who explores the world with a sense of wide-eyed wonder and who gives nothing but love and smiles to anyone willing to accept it, and it has been the most beautiful experience of my life.  Every moment I have spent with you will be forever ingrained in my memory, and it is my fondest, deepest wish, that those days are not forever behind us.\r\nYou are, and will forever be, the guiding light of my life.  I miss having you take my finger, and have you take me with you to play with your blocks.  We would watch Mother Goose club every day, and your smile you gave me when I sang to you will be forever etched upon my memory.  Whatever happens, whatever you may hear in the future, I hope you will know that your Daddy misses and loves you.\r\nI hope your birthday is filled with laughter and smiles, and that one day, we can be reunited.  I want nothing more than to see the love in your eyes that you gave me every day.  You went to bed one night, after your Daddy was there every day, and then the next, I was gone.  I wish I could tell you what happened, but I am as much in the dark as you; I woke one day with hope for our future, and then, within the space of but a day, everything changed.\r\nI will always love you, my little miracle.  Nothing will change that, despite whatever the future holds in store.\r\nBe strong, be yourself, and keep sending your special love out into the world.\r\nDaddy loves you, more than anything, and he always will.\r\n\r\n[caption id=\"attachment_166\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"225\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/SavannahandDaddy01.jpg\"><img src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/SavannahandDaddy01-225x300.jpg\" alt=\"My little Miracle\" width=\"225\" height=\"300\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-166\" /></a> My little Miracle[/caption]\r\n\r\n','The Most Special Day','','inherit','closed','closed','','165-revision-v1','','','2016-02-07 15:28:58','2016-02-07 20:28:58','',165,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=167',0,'revision','',0),(171,2,'2016-02-12 12:03:37','2016-02-12 17:03:37','','My One True Love','My One True Love','inherit','closed','closed','','michellephoto','','','2016-02-12 12:03:37','2016-02-12 17:03:37','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/michellephoto.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(174,2,'2016-02-14 01:24:41','2016-02-14 06:24:41','','When We Were Happy','How Things Were and Should Be','inherit','closed','closed','','together001','','','2016-02-14 01:24:41','2016-02-14 06:24:41','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/together001.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(179,2,'2016-02-14 12:56:06','2016-02-14 17:56:06','','thekiss','I can\'t forget your kiss','inherit','closed','closed','','thekiss','','','2016-02-14 12:56:06','2016-02-14 17:56:06','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/thekiss.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(181,2,'2016-02-14 22:21:00','2016-02-15 03:21:00','[caption id=\"attachment_182\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"229\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/daddy001bm.jpg\"><img src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/daddy001bm-229x300.jpg\" alt=\"My Special Valentine\" width=\"229\" height=\"300\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-182\" /></a> My Special Valentine[/caption]\r\n\r\n\r\nMy Dearest Savannah, \r\nIt is Valentine\'s Day, and though I wanted more than anything to be able \r\nto spend this day with you and your mother,  we have been forced to \r\nspend it apart.  I\'ve been sitting here all night, looking at pictures \r\nof you both, remembering all the times we have had together as tears \r\nfall from my eyes.  I try to make them stop, but I can\'t.  The love I \r\nhave for you both overwhelms me, and I would gladly sacrifice more than \r\nI already have just to hold the both of you again.  Had things gone my \r\nway, I would have given you and your mom some gift, some sign of what \r\nyou both mean to me, and done my best to make your day as sweet as the \r\nsmiles you give me.  I know you are too young to read this, but I hope \r\nagainst hope that maybe your mother still misses some small part of the \r\ntimes we had together, and though I know better, I hope she remembers \r\nhow I used to make her feel, even if it were for a second.  I want so \r\nbad to make you both happy.  It has put an ache in my heart that only \r\nyou and she can erase. \r\nI want you to know I love you, and always will, no matter what may \r\nhappen in the future.  We spent every day together for almost 2 years, \r\nand it was never enough.  I would put you to sleep at night, and even \r\nthough I may have been tired, it would only be a short time before I \r\nwould miss you, and had to resist waking you up just so I could play \r\nwith you again, so much joy did you bring into my life. Every time you \r\nsmiled at me, I could feel my heart swell with love to the point where I \r\ncould barely contain it, just as it did every time your mother smiled at \r\nme, as it did every time either of you held my hand, or gave me the \r\nslightest attention.  I can\'t tell you, or anyone else, how lonely it is \r\nbeing without the ones I love the most. \r\nI want you to know that despite everything, I love your mother with all \r\nmy heart.  She is the most beautiful, creative, amazing woman I have \r\never known, and no one will ever hold my heart like she does. Love is a \r\npowerful thing, little one, and when you find the one you love, I hope \r\nyou are able to hold onto them and are never forced apart, for even \r\nthough love can take you to the greatest hearts, it also has the power \r\nto tear you apart in ways you could not dream. Never be afraid though, \r\nfor a true love is forever, and when you find it, you will know it to \r\nthe deepest parts of your being.  And I love you, little Savannah, more \r\nthan words can say.   Every second apart is an eternity, spent wondering \r\nif you are safe.  Even though we are separated by many miles, you are my \r\nValentine, my little one, my miracle.  You looked at me every day with a \r\nlove purer than anything I\'ve ever known, and likely ever will.  Your \r\nmother once looked at me like that, and I wish somehow, through some act \r\nof Divine Intervention, that I could have her look at me that way again, \r\nand that we could be together in happiness and love.  If i could cut out \r\nthe parts of me that changed her heart, I would do so without a thought, \r\nfor you two mean more to me than anything, even my own soul. \r\nOne day, you may have a little child of your own, and if you do, give \r\nthem all your love.  Give them Valentines, and kisses, hold them close \r\nand tell them how much you love them, because you never know when it \r\nwill be the last time.  Give them all you can, for you do not know what \r\nthe future may bring.  Live in, and appreciate, every second you have \r\ntogether.  I always did, even though it may not have seemed like it, and \r\nnow that you and your mother are gone, all I have are memories, and they \r\ncan never come close to what it feels like to actually be there. \r\nI love you and miss you, my Little Valentine.  Give your mother a kiss \r\nand hug.  I wish I could.  Remember, your Daddy loves you and misses you. \r\n\r\nHappy Valentine\'s Day to you both.  I\'m thinking of you.  ','My Valentine','','publish','closed','closed','','my-valentine','','','2016-04-08 14:20:21','2016-04-08 18:20:21','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=181',0,'post','',0),(182,2,'2016-02-14 22:18:58','2016-02-15 03:18:58','','daddy001bm','My Special Valentine','inherit','closed','closed','','daddy001bm','','','2016-02-14 22:18:58','2016-02-15 03:18:58','',181,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/daddy001bm.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(183,2,'2016-02-14 22:21:00','2016-02-15 03:21:00','[caption id=\"attachment_182\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"229\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/daddy001bm.jpg\"><img src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/daddy001bm-229x300.jpg\" alt=\"My Special Valentine\" width=\"229\" height=\"300\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-182\" /></a> My Special Valentine[/caption]\r\n\r\n\r\nMy Dearest Savannah, \r\nIt is Valentine\'s Day, and though I wanted more than anything to be able \r\nto spend this day with you and your mother,  we have been forced to \r\nspend it apart.  I\'ve been sitting here all night, looking at pictures \r\nof you both, remembering all the times we have had together as tears \r\nfall from my eyes.  I try to make them stop, but I can\'t.  The love I \r\nhave for you both overwhelms me, and I would gladly sacrifice more than \r\nI already have just to hold the both of you again.  Had things gone my \r\nway, I would have given you and your mom some gift, some sign of what \r\nyou both mean to me, and done my best to make your day as sweet as the \r\nsmiles you give me.  I know you are too young to read this, but I hope \r\nagainst hope that maybe your mother still misses some small part of the \r\ntimes we had together, and though I know better, I hope she remembers \r\nhow I used to make her feel, even if it were for a second.  I want so \r\nbad to make you both happy.  It has put an ache in my heart that only \r\nyou and she can erase. \r\nI want you to know I love you, and always will, no matter what may \r\nhappen in the future.  We spent every day together for almost 2 years, \r\nand it was never enough.  I would put you to sleep at night, and even \r\nthough I may have been tired, it would only be a short time before I \r\nwould miss you, and had to resist waking you up just so I could play \r\nwith you again, so much joy did you bring into my life. Every time you \r\nsmiled at me, I could feel my heart swell with love to the point where I \r\ncould barely contain it, just as it did every time your mother smiled at \r\nme, as it did every time either of you held my hand, or gave me the \r\nslightest attention.  I can\'t tell you, or anyone else, how lonely it is \r\nbeing without the ones I love the most. \r\nI want you to know that despite everything, I love your mother with all \r\nmy heart.  She is the most beautiful, creative, amazing woman I have \r\never known, and no one will ever hold my heart like she does. Love is a \r\npowerful thing, little one, and when you find the one you love, I hope \r\nyou are able to hold onto them and are never forced apart, for even \r\nthough love can take you to the greatest hearts, it also has the power \r\nto tear you apart in ways you could not dream. Never be afraid though, \r\nfor a true love is forever, and when you find it, you will know it to \r\nthe deepest parts of your being.  And I love you, little Savannah, more \r\nthan words can say.   Every second apart is an eternity, spent wondering \r\nif you are safe.  Even though we are separated by many miles, you are my \r\nValentine, my little one, my miracle.  You looked at me every day with a \r\nlove purer than anything I\'ve ever known, and likely ever will.  Your \r\nmother once looked at me like that, and I wish somehow, through some act \r\nof Divine Intervention, that I could have her look at me that way again, \r\nand that we could be together in happiness and love.  If i could cut out \r\nthe parts of me that changed her heart, I would do so without a thought, \r\nfor you two mean more to me than anything, even my own soul. \r\nOne day, you may have a little child of your own, and if you do, give \r\nthem all your love.  Give them Valentines, and kisses, hold them close \r\nand tell them how much you love them, because you never know when it \r\nwill be the last time.  Give them all you can, for you do not know what \r\nthe future may bring.  Live in, and appreciate, every second you have \r\ntogether.  I always did, even though it may not have seemed like it, and \r\nnow that you and your mother are gone, all I have are memories, and they \r\ncan never come close to what it feels like to actually be there. \r\nI love you and miss you, my Little Valentine.  Give your mother a kiss \r\nand hug.  I wish I could.  Remember, your Daddy loves you and misses you. \r\n\r\nHappy Valentine\'s Day to you both.  I\'m thinking of you both.  I only wish you were thinking of me.','My Valentine','','inherit','closed','closed','','181-revision-v1','','','2016-02-14 22:21:00','2016-02-15 03:21:00','',181,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=183',0,'revision','',0),(186,2,'2016-02-16 02:16:32','2016-02-16 07:16:32','','happy','The Happiest Day in Your Life','inherit','closed','closed','','happy','','','2016-02-16 02:16:32','2016-02-16 07:16:32','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/happy.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(189,2,'2016-02-17 13:42:37','2016-02-17 18:42:37','','shadows','How Things Were, How They Were Meant to Be','inherit','closed','closed','','shadows','','','2016-02-17 13:42:37','2016-02-17 18:42:37','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/shadows.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(194,2,'2016-02-17 15:46:41','2016-02-17 20:46:41','','redflower02','The Woman of My Dreams','inherit','closed','closed','','redflower02','','','2016-02-17 15:46:41','2016-02-17 20:46:41','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/redflower02.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(198,2,'2016-02-18 18:03:08','2016-02-18 23:03:08','I\'ve been sick for the last week, sicker than I\'ve been for over a decade.  Some kind of nasty upper respiratory/sinus/throat thing that refuses to die, leaving me to hack up chunks of phlegm the consistency of spoiled mayonnaise, and leaves me weak, unable to sleep, sweating, shaking, and wracked with coughs despite a prescription cough medication.\r\nOn the good side, the job I applied for has not been filled; the company is in their open enrollment period and very busy, and that, and one little emoticon, made my day in ways I cannot describe.  I have an anger assessment appointment next Wednesday, and have decided that regardless of the assessment, I will go ahead and take the class anyway.  \r\nI\'ve always been one to disagree at first, for whatever reason, but then common sense always takes hold, and I come around to seeing the truth.  This is in itself a symptom, but there were two other factors that played heavily in my decision.  The first, of course, is what my beautiful wife has tried to tell me in different ways for several years.  The second, and easily if not more important, is that I see the changes in my grandchildren, changes brought on by the personalities of those around them, and I cannot have the issues I have be absorbed in any way by me sweet, innocent Savannah.  I cannot, and will not, allow that to happen.  She is the sweetest, most loving child I\'ve ever known, different in her attitude than any child I\'ve ever met, and I will do anything to keep it that way.\r\nBoth my wife, and my daughter, deserve better out of me.  Regardless of what is transpiring now, or anything that happens later, I have to do this, both for myself, and for them.  I\'m so tired of dealing with the various issues I\'ve had since my accident so many years ago, and from my way of reacting to things, which has likely been around since before then, a remnant of my upbringing by a controlling woman who had she been assessed, would likely be diagnosed as both histrionic and suffering from borderline personality disorder.  Before the accident, this aspect was easily dealt with; the discipline of my arts gave me a high level of self-control. After my trauma, however, I was left in chronic pain, constantly, and without the continuous training to which I was accustomed, that discipline was sorely lacking.  \r\nBut I want more than mere discipline or coping mechanisms.  I want to rid myself of all the conditions brought on by the accident.  The next step will be to address those, either at the same center or another more specialized, and to get proper medical attention for my chronic pain, which will be easily afforded once I have a position in which I can excel.  I want to live the remainder of my life free of the pain and migraines, free of the periodic anxiety and stress that has plagued me for over a decade, live it in joy and wonder at the growth of my little girl, and with any luck, with my Dragonfly at my side.  I The prospect of these events have left me both hopeful and even a bit excited, for the hardest step is always the first.  Once taken, I can continue on that path, and make myself the best father, and husband, that I can be.\r\n\r\nDragonfly, wherever you are, I love you and Savannah with all my heart.\r\n\r\nAnd to close, another picture of the woman who has changed my world.\r\n\r\n[caption id=\"attachment_199\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"225\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/tiffin_library003.jpg\"><img src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/tiffin_library003-225x300.jpg\" alt=\"The Most Beautiful Woman I&#039;ve Ever Known\" width=\"225\" height=\"300\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-199\" /></a> The Most Beautiful Woman I\'ve Ever Known[/caption]','News and Thoughts','','publish','closed','closed','','news-and-thoughts','','','2016-02-18 18:03:08','2016-02-18 23:03:08','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=198',0,'post','',0),(199,2,'2016-02-18 18:01:43','2016-02-18 23:01:43','','tiffin_library003','The Most Beautiful Woman I\'ve Ever Known','inherit','closed','closed','','tiffin_library003','','','2016-02-18 18:01:43','2016-02-18 23:01:43','',198,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/tiffin_library003.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(200,2,'2016-02-18 18:02:30','2016-02-18 23:02:30','I\'ve been sick for the last week, sicker than I\'ve been for over a decade.  Some kind of nasty upper respiratory/sinus/throat thing that refuses to die, leaving me to hack up chunks of phlegm the consistency of spoiled mayonnaise, and leaves me weak, unable to sleep, sweating, shaking, and wracked with coughs despite a prescription cough medication.\r\nOn the good side, the job I applied for has not been filled; the company is in their open enrollment period and very busy, and that, and one little emoticon, made my day in ways I cannot describe.  I have an anger assessment appointment next Wednesday, and have decided that regardless of the assessment, I will go ahead and take the class anyway.  \r\nI\'ve always been one to disagree at first, for whatever reason, but then common sense always takes hold, and I come around to seeing the truth.  This is in itself a symptom, but there were two other factors that played heavily in my decision.  The first, of course, is what my beautiful wife has tried to tell me in different ways for several years.  The second, and easily if not more important, is that I see the changes in my grandchildren, changes brought on by the personalities of those around them, and I cannot have the issues I have be absorbed in any way by me sweet, innocent Savannah.  I cannot, and will not, allow that to happen.  She is the sweetest, most loving child I\'ve ever known, different in her attitude than any child I\'ve ever met, and I will do anything to keep it that way.\r\nBoth my wife, and my daughter, deserve better out of me.  Regardless of what is transpiring now, or anything that happens later, I have to do this, both for myself, and for them.  I\'m so tired of dealing with the various issues I\'ve had since my accident so many years ago, and from my way of reacting to things, which has likely been around since before then, a remnant of my upbringing by a controlling woman who had she been assessed, would likely be diagnosed as both histrionic and suffering from borderline personality disorder.  Before the accident, this aspect was easily dealt with; the discipline of my arts gave me a high level of self-control. After my trauma, however, I was left in chronic pain, constantly, and without the continuous training to which I was accustomed, that discipline was sorely lacking.  \r\nBut I want more than mere discipline or coping mechanisms.  I want to rid myself of all the conditions brought on by the accident.  The next step will be to address those, either at the same center or another more specialized, and to get proper medical attention for my chronic pain, which will be easily afforded once I have a position in which I can excel.  I want to live the remainder of my life free of the pain and migraines, free of the periodic anxiety and stress that has plagued me for over a decade, live it in joy and wonder at the growth of my little girl, and with any luck, with my Dragonfly at my side.  I The prospect of these events have left me both hopeful and even a bit excited, for the hardest step is always the first.  Once taken, I can continue on that path, and make myself the best father, and husband, that I can be.\r\n\r\nDragonfly, wherever you are, I love you and Savannah with all my heart.\r\n\r\nAnd to close, another picture of the woman who has changed my world.\r\n\r\n[caption id=\"attachment_199\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"225\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/tiffin_library003.jpg\"><img src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/tiffin_library003-225x300.jpg\" alt=\"The Most Beautiful Woman I&#039;ve Ever Known\" width=\"225\" height=\"300\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-199\" /></a> The Most Beautiful Woman I\'ve Ever Known[/caption]','News and Thoughts','','inherit','closed','closed','','198-revision-v1','','','2016-02-18 18:02:30','2016-02-18 23:02:30','',198,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=200',0,'revision','',0),(202,2,'2016-02-19 14:22:17','2016-02-19 19:22:17','','the_kiss02','I\'d Give Anything','inherit','closed','closed','','the_kiss02','','','2016-02-19 14:22:17','2016-02-19 19:22:17','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/the_kiss02.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(205,2,'2016-02-22 01:12:09','2016-02-22 06:12:09','','05-15-2010_001','The Way You Smile At Me','inherit','closed','closed','','05-15-2010_001','','','2016-02-22 01:12:09','2016-02-22 06:12:09','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/05-15-2010_001.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(208,2,'2016-02-25 13:35:40','2016-02-25 18:35:40','As some of you may know, I\'ve been dealing with certain issues for most of my life.  For many years, I was unaware of just how serious they were; it took a special person brave enough, who cared enough, to make me aware of them, and of just how much they affected my day to day life.\r\nRecent events drove this realization home in a way that finally woke me up to both the depth and causes of these issues, and made me realize that they were not something I could handle alone.  Many times, what we perceive as setbacks, as blows to our lives, are actually an opportunity for change.  it is very difficult to see that at the time; we often need to step back and allow some time to pass so we can see things clearly, and for me, this has almost always been the case, and I have spent over a month reflecting on both the causes of these issues, and their effects on myself and others.\r\nI was one of those people that never gave any serious consideration to counseling or therapy.  I felt I was smart enough, strong enough, to solve any problem that came my way, be they external or internal, and this is the mistake many make when dealing with such things.  This time, however, I came to know that I needed some help, and have begun counseling in order to deal with not only the effects of my accident, but aspects of myself that have been so ingrained for so long, that I considered them simply a part of my normal self.  \r\nI urge anyone who has issues in their lives that cause them pain, or interfere with relationships, their job, or their temperament, to listen to those who urge them to seek help.  Some problems simply cannot be handled alone, and need someone on the outside to help them, someone with the training and experience to listen from an objective viewpoint who can then assist in dealing with those issues.  It may make all the difference in the world.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Issues','','publish','closed','closed','','issues','','','2016-02-25 13:35:40','2016-02-25 18:35:40','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=208',0,'post','',0),(209,2,'2016-02-25 13:35:40','2016-02-25 18:35:40','As some of you may know, I\'ve been dealing with certain issues for most of my life.  For many years, I was unaware of just how serious they were; it took a special person brave enough, who cared enough, to make me aware of them, and of just how much they affected my day to day life.\r\nRecent events drove this realization home in a way that finally woke me up to both the depth and causes of these issues, and made me realize that they were not something I could handle alone.  Many times, what we perceive as setbacks, as blows to our lives, are actually an opportunity for change.  it is very difficult to see that at the time; we often need to step back and allow some time to pass so we can see things clearly, and for me, this has almost always been the case, and I have spent over a month reflecting on both the causes of these issues, and their effects on myself and others.\r\nI was one of those people that never gave any serious consideration to counseling or therapy.  I felt I was smart enough, strong enough, to solve any problem that came my way, be they external or internal, and this is the mistake many make when dealing with such things.  This time, however, I came to know that I needed some help, and have begun counseling in order to deal with not only the effects of my accident, but aspects of myself that have been so ingrained for so long, that I considered them simply a part of my normal self.  \r\nI urge anyone who has issues in their lives that cause them pain, or interfere with relationships, their job, or their temperament, to listen to those who urge them to seek help.  Some problems simply cannot be handled alone, and need someone on the outside to help them, someone with the training and experience to listen from an objective viewpoint who can then assist in dealing with those issues.  It may make all the difference in the world.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Issues','','inherit','closed','closed','','208-revision-v1','','','2016-02-25 13:35:40','2016-02-25 18:35:40','',208,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=209',0,'revision','',0),(210,2,'2016-02-26 22:57:52','2016-02-27 03:57:52','[caption id=\"attachment_182\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"229\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/daddy001bm.jpg\"><img src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/daddy001bm-229x300.jpg\" alt=\"My Special Valentine\" width=\"229\" height=\"300\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-182\" /></a> My Special Valentine[/caption]\r\n\r\n\r\nMy Dearest Savannah, \r\nIt is Valentine\'s Day, and though I wanted more than anything to be able \r\nto spend this day with you and your mother,  we have been forced to \r\nspend it apart.  I\'ve been sitting here all night, looking at pictures \r\nof you both, remembering all the times we have had together as tears \r\nfall from my eyes.  I try to make them stop, but I can\'t.  The love I \r\nhave for you both overwhelms me, and I would gladly sacrifice more than \r\nI already have just to hold the both of you again.  Had things gone my \r\nway, I would have given you and your mom some gift, some sign of what \r\nyou both mean to me, and done my best to make your day as sweet as the \r\nsmiles you give me.  I know you are too young to read this, but I hope \r\nagainst hope that maybe your mother still misses some small part of the \r\ntimes we had together, and though I know better, I hope she remembers \r\nhow I used to make her feel, even if it were for a second.  I want so \r\nbad to make you both happy.  It has put an ache in my heart that only \r\nyou and she can erase. \r\nI want you to know I love you, and always will, no matter what may \r\nhappen in the future.  We spent every day together for almost 2 years, \r\nand it was never enough.  I would put you to sleep at night, and even \r\nthough I may have been tired, it would only be a short time before I \r\nwould miss you, and had to resist waking you up just so I could play \r\nwith you again, so much joy did you bring into my life. Every time you \r\nsmiled at me, I could feel my heart swell with love to the point where I \r\ncould barely contain it, just as it did every time your mother smiled at \r\nme, as it did every time either of you held my hand, or gave me the \r\nslightest attention.  I can\'t tell you, or anyone else, how lonely it is \r\nbeing without the ones I love the most. \r\nI want you to know that despite everything, I love your mother with all \r\nmy heart.  She is the most beautiful, creative, amazing woman I have \r\never known, and no one will ever hold my heart like she does. Love is a \r\npowerful thing, little one, and when you find the one you love, I hope \r\nyou are able to hold onto them and are never forced apart, for even \r\nthough love can take you to the greatest hearts, it also has the power \r\nto tear you apart in ways you could not dream. Never be afraid though, \r\nfor a true love is forever, and when you find it, you will know it to \r\nthe deepest parts of your being.  And I love you, little Savannah, more \r\nthan words can say.   Every second apart is an eternity, spent wondering \r\nif you are safe.  Even though we are separated by many miles, you are my \r\nValentine, my little one, my miracle.  You looked at me every day with a \r\nlove purer than anything I\'ve ever known, and likely ever will.  Your \r\nmother once looked at me like that, and I wish somehow, through some act \r\nof Divine Intervention, that I could have her look at me that way again, \r\nand that we could be together in happiness and love.  If i could cut out \r\nthe parts of me that changed her heart, I would do so without a thought, \r\nfor you two mean more to me than anything, even my own soul. \r\nOne day, you may have a little child of your own, and if you do, give \r\nthem all your love.  Give them Valentines, and kisses, hold them close \r\nand tell them how much you love them, because you never know when it \r\nwill be the last time.  Give them all you can, for you do not know what \r\nthe future may bring.  Live in, and appreciate, every second you have \r\ntogether.  I always did, even though it may not have seemed like it, and \r\nnow that you and your mother are gone, all I have are memories, and they \r\ncan never come close to what it feels like to actually be there. \r\nI love you and miss you, my Little Valentine.  Give your mother a kiss \r\nand hug.  I wish I could.  Remember, your Daddy loves you and misses you. \r\n\r\nHappy Valentine\'s Day to you both.  I\'m thinking of you both.  ','My Valentine','','inherit','closed','closed','','181-revision-v1','','','2016-02-26 22:57:52','2016-02-27 03:57:52','',181,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=210',0,'revision','',0),(211,2,'2016-02-29 23:53:54','2016-03-01 04:53:54','I\'ve written previously about how there was something inside of me, something I had never been able to pin down, something that had haunted me throughout my entire life, but I picked it almost subconsciously, not really thinking about the implications.  I certainly never knew, despite the occasional flash of insight, and regardless of near constant introspection, of just what it was, or how deep it ran.  It took meeting my wife, and her insights, to make me aware of issues that I had been suffering from since childhood.  It affected every area of my life, and I was foolishly ignorant of the symptoms, and even more so the cause.  It intruded into her life as well, and though it caused her so much pain, threatened to pull us apart forever, she somehow found the strength and the means to finally make me aware, to wake me up to how much I need to rid myself of it forever, for me, for her, and for our family. \r\nShe is amazing, my wife.  Anyone else would have given up on me long ago; god knows everyone else did, but even though she found it necessary to protect herself, she somehow has held onto the good parts she sees in me, and continues to do what she can to help me in my darkest hour. I want to thank her for this, for her love, for her tenacity, and for being the one person that could, and has, made all the difference. \r\nThank you, Dragonfly, for being all those things and more.  Without you, I would never have seen the truth, would still be unaware of just how much I affected not only myself, but everyone around me. Thank you for being honest, for being there in those moments where I was ready to give up, for just being you. \r\nThere will coma day when my demons are slain, when I can once again be completely free, to love and be loved, to enjoy the life I was meant to have  It will a happy, glorious day when I do so, and it is all because of someone who I can never thank enough, who is beyond description, and who I love with all my heart.  I hope that when that day comes, those who follow my blog will celebrate; it will mark a new chapter in my life, one I know will be filled with all the things I have been denied for so long. \r\nI wish you all well, and hope that if you have demons, that you find a way to slay them once and for all. \r\n\r\n~namaste','A Special Thank You','','publish','closed','closed','','a-special-thank-you','','','2016-02-29 23:53:54','2016-03-01 04:53:54','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=211',0,'post','',0),(214,2,'2016-02-29 23:53:42','2016-03-01 04:53:42','I\'ve written previously about how there was something inside of me, something I had never been able to pin down, something that had haunted me throughout my entire life, but I picked it almost subconsciously, not really thinking about the implications.  I certainly never knew, despite the occasional flash of insight, and regardless of near constant introspection, of just what it was, or how deep it ran.  It took meeting my wife, and her insights, to make me aware of issues that I had been suffering from since childhood.  It affected every area of my life, and I was foolishly ignorant of the symptoms, and even more so the cause.  It intruded into her life as well, and though it caused her so much pain, threatened to pull us apart forever, she somehow found the strength and the means to finally make me aware, to wake me up to how much I need to rid myself of it forever, for me, for her, and for our family. \r\nShe is amazing, my wife.  Anyone else would have given up on me long ago; god knows everyone else did, but even though she found it necessary to protect herself, she somehow has held onto the good parts she sees in me, and continues to do what she can to help me in my darkest hour. I want to thank her for this, for her love, for her tenacity, and for being the one person that could, and has, made all the difference. \r\nThank you, Dragonfly, for being all those things and more.  Without you, I would never have seen the truth, would still be unaware of just how much I affected not only myself, but everyone around me. Thank you for being honest, for being there in those moments where I was ready to give up, for just being you. \r\nThere will coma day when my demons are slain, when I can once again be completely free, to love and be loved, to enjoy the life I was meant to have  It will a happy, glorious day when I do so, and it is all because of someone who I can never thank enough, who is beyond description, and who I love with all my heart.  I hope that when that day comes, those who follow my blog will celebrate; it will mark a new chapter in my life, one I know will be filled with all the things I have been denied for so long. \r\nI wish you all well, and hope that if you have demons, that you find a way to slay them once and for all. \r\n\r\n~namaste','A Special Thank You','','inherit','closed','closed','','211-revision-v1','','','2016-02-29 23:53:42','2016-03-01 04:53:42','',211,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=214',0,'revision','',0),(212,2,'2016-02-29 23:50:58','2016-03-01 04:50:58','I\'ve written previously about how there was something inside of me, something I had never been able to pin \r\ndown, something that had haunted me throughout my entire life, but I \r\npicked it almost subconsciously, not really thinking about the \r\nimplications.  I certainly never knew, despite the occasional flash of \r\ninsight, and regardless of near constant introspection, of just what it \r\nwas, or how deep it ran.  It took meeting my wife, and her insights, to \r\nmake me aware of issues that I had been suffering from since childhood.  \r\nIt affected every area of my life, and I was foolishly ignorant of the \r\nsymptoms, and even more so the cause.  It intruded into her life as \r\nwell, and though it caused her so much pain, threatened to pull us apart \r\nforever, she somehow found the strength and the means to finally make me \r\naware, to wake me up to how much I need to rid myself of it forever, for \r\nme, for her, and for our family. \r\nShe is amazing, my wife.  Anyone else would have given up on me long \r\nago; god knows everyone else did, but even though she found it necessary \r\nto protect herself, she somehow has held onto the good parts she sees in \r\nme, and continues to do what she can to help me in my darkest hour. \r\nI want to thank her for this, for her love, for her tenacity, and for \r\nbeing the one person that could, and has, made all the difference. \r\nThank you, Dragonfly, for being all those things and more.  Without you, \r\nI would never have seen the truth, would still be unaware of just how \r\nmuch I affected not only myself, but everyone around me. Thank you for \r\nbeing honest, for being there in those moments where I was ready to give \r\nup, for just being you. \r\nThere will coma day when my demons are slain, when I can once again be completely free \r\nto love and be loved, to enjoy the life I was meant to have  It will a happy, glorious day when I do so, \r\nand it is all because of someone who I can never thank enough, who is \r\nbeyond description, and who I love with all my heart.  I hope that when \r\nthat day comes, those who follow my account will celebrate; it will mark \r\na new chapter in my life, one I know will be filled with all the things \r\nI have been denied for so long. \r\nI wish you all well, and hope that if you have demons, that you find a \r\nway to slay them once and for all. ','A Special Thank You','','inherit','closed','closed','','211-revision-v1','','','2016-02-29 23:50:58','2016-03-01 04:50:58','',211,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=212',0,'revision','',0),(213,2,'2016-02-29 23:53:00','2016-03-01 04:53:00','I\'ve written previously about how there was something inside of me, something I had never been able to pin \r\ndown, something that had haunted me throughout my entire life, but I picked it almost subconsciously, not really thinking about the implications.  I certainly never knew, despite the occasional flash of insight, and regardless of near constant introspection, of just what it was, or how deep it ran.  It took meeting my wife, and her insights, to \r\nmake me aware of issues that I had been suffering from since childhood.  It affected every area of my life, and I was foolishly ignorant of the symptoms, and even more so the cause.  It intruded into her life as well, and though it caused her so much pain, threatened to pull us apart forever, she somehow found the strength and the means to finally make me \r\naware, to wake me up to how much I need to rid myself of it forever, for me, for her, and for our family. \r\nShe is amazing, my wife.  Anyone else would have given up on me long ago; god knows everyone else did, but even though she found it necessary to protect herself, she somehow has held onto the good parts she sees in me, and continues to do what she can to help me in my darkest hour. I want to thank her for this, for her love, for her tenacity, and for being the one person that could, and has, made all the difference. \r\nThank you, Dragonfly, for being all those things and more.  Without you, I would never have seen the truth, would still be unaware of just how much I affected not only myself, but everyone around me. Thank you for being honest, for being there in those moments where I was ready to give up, for just being you. \r\nThere will coma day when my demons are slain, when I can once again be completely free, to love and be loved, to enjoy the life I was meant to have  It will a happy, glorious day when I do so, and it is all because of someone who I can never thank enough, who is beyond description, and who I love with all my heart.  I hope that when that day comes, those who follow my blog will celebrate; it will mark a new chapter in my life, one I know will be filled with all the things I have been denied for so long. \r\nI wish you all well, and hope that if you have demons, that you find a way to slay them once and for all. \r\n\r\n~namaste','A Special Thank You','','inherit','closed','closed','','211-revision-v1','','','2016-02-29 23:53:00','2016-03-01 04:53:00','',211,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=213',0,'revision','',0),(215,2,'2016-03-03 17:10:15','2016-03-03 22:10:15','Greetings, everyone!\r\n\r\nMy long-overdue novel of dark suspense/horror, HIGHWAY HYPNOSIS, is now available for download from Smashwords!\r\n\r\n[caption width=\"130\" align=\"alignleft\"]<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/icon_highway.jpg\" width=\"130\" height=\"173\" class /> HIGHWAY HYPNOSIS - NOW AVAILABLE![/caption]\r\n\r\nWhen Howard Langford, electronics genius and pioneer in the world of virtual reality entertainment, falls asleep at the wheel, he awakens to find himself upon an alien highway, one that leads through a dimension where his darkest dreams have the ability to become flesh.  Thrust into a hostile world, Howard must find a way to survive, all the while racing toward a confrontation with the evil force that has brought him to its feeding ground.  Fighting for his sanity and his life, Howard must find a way back to his home world before he becomes just another victim of highway hypnosis.<br>\r\nYou can obtain your copy here: <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\" title=\"Highway Hypnosis\">Purchase Now</a>','New Release - Highway Hypnosis','','publish','closed','closed','','new-release-highway-hypnosis','','','2016-03-03 17:11:22','2016-03-03 22:11:22','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=215',0,'post','',0),(216,2,'2016-03-03 17:06:13','2016-03-03 22:06:13','Greetings, everyone!\r\n\r\nMy long-overdue novel of dark suspense/horror, HIGHWAY HYPNOSIS, is now available for download from Smashwords!\r\n\r\n[caption width=\"130\" align=\"alignleft\"]<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/icon_highway.jpg\" width=\"130\" height=\"173\" class /> HIGHWAY HYPNOSIS - NOW AVAILABLE![/caption]\r\n\r\nWhen Howard Langford, electronics genius and pioneer in the world of virtual reality entertainment, falls asleep at the wheel, he awakens to find himself upon an alien highway, one that leads through a dimension where his darkest dreams have the ability to become flesh.  Thrust into a hostile world, Howard must find a way to survive, all the while racing toward a confrontation with the evil force that has brought him to its feeding ground.  Fighting for his sanity and his life, Howard must find a way back to his home world before he becomes just another victim of highway hypnosis.','New Release - Highway Hypnosis','','inherit','closed','closed','','215-revision-v1','','','2016-03-03 17:06:13','2016-03-03 22:06:13','',215,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=216',0,'revision','',0),(217,2,'2016-03-03 17:09:12','2016-03-03 22:09:12','Greetings, everyone!\r\n\r\nMy long-overdue novel of dark suspense/horror, HIGHWAY HYPNOSIS, is now available for download from Smashwords!\r\n\r\n[caption width=\"130\" align=\"alignleft\"]<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/icon_highway.jpg\" width=\"130\" height=\"173\" class /> HIGHWAY HYPNOSIS - NOW AVAILABLE![/caption]\r\n\r\nWhen Howard Langford, electronics genius and pioneer in the world of virtual reality entertainment, falls asleep at the wheel, he awakens to find himself upon an alien highway, one that leads through a dimension where his darkest dreams have the ability to become flesh.  Thrust into a hostile world, Howard must find a way to survive, all the while racing toward a confrontation with the evil force that has brought him to its feeding ground.  Fighting for his sanity and his life, Howard must find a way back to his home world before he becomes just another victim of highway hypnosis.<br>\r\nYou can purchase your copy here: <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\" title=\"Highway Hypnosis\"></a>','New Release - Highway Hypnosis','','inherit','closed','closed','','215-revision-v1','','','2016-03-03 17:09:12','2016-03-03 22:09:12','',215,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=217',0,'revision','',0),(218,2,'2016-03-03 17:09:40','2016-03-03 22:09:40','Greetings, everyone!\r\n\r\nMy long-overdue novel of dark suspense/horror, HIGHWAY HYPNOSIS, is now available for download from Smashwords!\r\n\r\n[caption width=\"130\" align=\"alignleft\"]<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/icon_highway.jpg\" width=\"130\" height=\"173\" class /> HIGHWAY HYPNOSIS - NOW AVAILABLE![/caption]\r\n\r\nWhen Howard Langford, electronics genius and pioneer in the world of virtual reality entertainment, falls asleep at the wheel, he awakens to find himself upon an alien highway, one that leads through a dimension where his darkest dreams have the ability to become flesh.  Thrust into a hostile world, Howard must find a way to survive, all the while racing toward a confrontation with the evil force that has brought him to its feeding ground.  Fighting for his sanity and his life, Howard must find a way back to his home world before he becomes just another victim of highway hypnosis.<br>\r\nYou can purchase your copy here: <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\" title=\"Highway Hypnosis\">Purchase Now</a>','New Release - Highway Hypnosis','','inherit','closed','closed','','215-revision-v1','','','2016-03-03 17:09:40','2016-03-03 22:09:40','',215,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=218',0,'revision','',0),(219,2,'2016-03-03 17:10:15','2016-03-03 22:10:15','Greetings, everyone!\r\n\r\nMy long-overdue novel of dark suspense/horror, HIGHWAY HYPNOSIS, is now available for download from Smashwords!\r\n\r\n[caption width=\"130\" align=\"alignleft\"]<img src=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/images/icon_highway.jpg\" width=\"130\" height=\"173\" class /> HIGHWAY HYPNOSIS - NOW AVAILABLE![/caption]\r\n\r\nWhen Howard Langford, electronics genius and pioneer in the world of virtual reality entertainment, falls asleep at the wheel, he awakens to find himself upon an alien highway, one that leads through a dimension where his darkest dreams have the ability to become flesh.  Thrust into a hostile world, Howard must find a way to survive, all the while racing toward a confrontation with the evil force that has brought him to its feeding ground.  Fighting for his sanity and his life, Howard must find a way back to his home world before he becomes just another victim of highway hypnosis.<br>\r\nYou can obtain your copy here: <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\" title=\"Highway Hypnosis\">Purchase Now</a>','New Release - Highway Hypnosis','','inherit','closed','closed','','215-revision-v1','','','2016-03-03 17:10:15','2016-03-03 22:10:15','',215,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=219',0,'revision','',0),(221,2,'2016-03-14 00:06:01','2016-03-14 04:06:01','Some upcoming projects:\r\n\r\nIn addition to having my novel, Highway Hypnosis, available on Smashwords, I am currently working on producing a print version that will be available through both the novels section of this website, as well as through Amazon.  \r\n\r\nI am currently working on the last two illustrations from the novel.  I had originally hoped to include these in both the e-book and printed versions, but as many e-readers to not display in color, and to keep the cost of the printed version as affordable as possible, I have decided to make them available to those who purchase either version of the book when they are completed.  I\'ll be posting more details on this in the near future.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, I\'ve begun two new writing projects - so stay tuned!\r\n\r\n~Namaste\r\n\r\n','Current News - March 2016','','publish','closed','closed','','current-news-march-2016','','','2016-03-14 00:06:32','2016-03-14 04:06:32','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=221',0,'post','',0),(222,2,'2016-03-14 00:06:01','2016-03-14 04:06:01','Some upcoming projects:\r\n\r\nIn addition to having my novel, Highway Hypnosis, available on Smashwords, I am currently working on producing a print version that will be available through both the novels section of this website, as well as through Amazon.  \r\n\r\nI am currently working on the last two illustrations from the novel.  I had originally hoped to include these in both the e-book and printed versions, but as many e-readers to not display in color, and to keep the cost of the printed version as affordable as possible, I have decided to make them available to those who purchase either version of the book when they are completed.  I\'ll be posting more details on this in the near future.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, I\'ve begun two new writing projects - so stay tuned!\r\n\r\n~Namaste\r\n\r\n','Current News - March 2016','','inherit','closed','closed','','221-revision-v1','','','2016-03-14 00:06:01','2016-03-14 04:06:01','',221,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=222',0,'revision','',0),(224,2,'2016-04-02 11:16:04','2016-04-02 15:16:04','First, an apology to anyone who downloaded a sample of my recent novel, \'Highway Hypnosis\'.  It appears the manuscript was NOT the final edited copy.  I have been working to correct this, and the new version will be up soon.  I\'ll announce when the corrected version is available here on my blog.  I\'m not sure if the full edited version got lost, was over-written on my hard drive, or something else, but even though I did spot the error almost immediately, the finished version is apparently lost, and I had to edit the manuscript again.  The finished version will be worth the download.\r\n\r\nSecond, I am currently working on the print version of \'Highway Hypnosis\' as well, and it will be available through Amazon within the next few weeks. More details will be forthcoming when it is completed.\r\n\r\nThird, I am also working on illustrations for the novel, which will be available to those who purchase either version of the book.  I\'ll post more details when they are available.\r\n\r\nI hope everyone is having a wonderful Spring.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','News - April 2016','','publish','closed','closed','','news-april-2016','','','2016-04-02 11:16:04','2016-04-02 15:16:04','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=224',0,'post','',0),(225,2,'2016-04-02 11:16:04','2016-04-02 15:16:04','First, an apology to anyone who downloaded a sample of my recent novel, \'Highway Hypnosis\'.  It appears the manuscript was NOT the final edited copy.  I have been working to correct this, and the new version will be up soon.  I\'ll announce when the corrected version is available here on my blog.  I\'m not sure if the full edited version got lost, was over-written on my hard drive, or something else, but even though I did spot the error almost immediately, the finished version is apparently lost, and I had to edit the manuscript again.  The finished version will be worth the download.\r\n\r\nSecond, I am currently working on the print version of \'Highway Hypnosis\' as well, and it will be available through Amazon within the next few weeks. More details will be forthcoming when it is completed.\r\n\r\nThird, I am also working on illustrations for the novel, which will be available to those who purchase either version of the book.  I\'ll post more details when they are available.\r\n\r\nI hope everyone is having a wonderful Spring.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','News - April 2016','','inherit','closed','closed','','224-revision-v1','','','2016-04-02 11:16:04','2016-04-02 15:16:04','',224,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=225',0,'revision','',0),(226,2,'2016-04-04 12:10:35','2016-04-04 16:10:35','The revised version of \'Highway Hypnosis\' is now available on Smashwords, and can be purchased <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\">here</a>.\r\n\r\nThe new manuscript has been completely revised, following the apparent loss of the edited manuscript.  The paperback version will be available soon, and I will update the appropriate pages on the site when becomes available.  The cover layout has been completed, and should be on Amazon in the near future.  The length of the paperback will be 402 pages, and I\'m quite excited.  This novel has been a labor of love for me for quite some time, and I am glad to be able to now move on to other creative projects.  \r\nOne of these will be illustrations from the novel, which I will be offering as free prints in the future.  Further details are forthcoming, so stay tuned!\r\n\r\n~Namaste\r\n\r\n','Highway Hypnosis - Update','','publish','closed','closed','','highway-hypnosis-update','','','2016-04-04 12:10:35','2016-04-04 16:10:35','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=226',0,'post','',0),(227,2,'2016-04-04 12:10:21','2016-04-04 16:10:21','The revised version of \'Highway Hypnosis\' is now available on Smashwords, and can be purchased <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\">here</a>.\r\n\r\nThe new manuscript has been completely revised, following the apparent loss of the edited manuscript.  The paperback version will be available soon, and I will update the appropriate pages on the site when becomes available.  The cover layout has been completed, and should be on Amazon in the near future.  The length of the paperback will be 402 pages, and I\'m quite excited.  This novel has been a labor of love for me for quite some time, and I am glad to be able to now move on to other creative projects.  \r\nOne of these will be illustrations from the novel, which I will be offering as free prints in the future.  Further details are forthcoming, so stay tuned!\r\n\r\n~Namaste\r\n\r\n','Highway Hypnosis - Update','','inherit','closed','closed','','226-revision-v1','','','2016-04-04 12:10:21','2016-04-04 16:10:21','',226,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=227',0,'revision','',0),(228,2,'2016-04-08 14:18:22','2016-04-08 18:18:22','My horror novel, \'Highway Hypnosis\', has a new cover. The original painted cover will be available, along with the other painted illustrations, as a limited edition series of prints. I\'ll post further news when they are completed.\r\nThe formatting and cover for the print version of this novel of dark suspense/horror has been completed, and I am currently awaiting a proof copy. The paperback version will be in 6\" x 9\" format, and is 410 pages. It will be available through this site and Amazon within the next few weeks.\r\n\r\nHere\'s the new cover. I opted for a more photographic appearance, as it has proven more popular in the marketplace.\r\n\r\n[caption id=\"attachment_229\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"350\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/art_covers_hwy.jpg\"><img class=\"size-full wp-image-229\" alt=\"Highway Hypnosis - Cover \" src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/art_covers_hwy.jpg\" width=\"350\" height=\"526\" /></a> Highway Hypnosis - Cover[/caption]\r\n\r\nThe E-book version is available for $4.99 -still less than a cup of coffee at Starbucks! Click <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\">here</a> to purchase a copy.\r\nThe paperback version will be available through Amazon and this site for $14.99.  I had hoped for a lower price point, but this was made necessary in order for the book to be distributed to book stores. Still, it\'s cheaper than a good many titles of the same length, and I feel a fair price, considering the effort and time.  I hope my readers will enjoy it as much as I did writing it.\r\n\r\ntill next time - \r\n\r\n~Namaste','Book News - April 2016','','publish','closed','closed','','book-news-april-2016','','','2016-04-20 13:57:26','2016-04-20 17:57:26','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=228',0,'post','',0),(229,2,'2016-04-08 14:09:30','2016-04-08 18:09:30','Highway Hypnosis cover.','art_covers_hwy','Highway Hypnosis - Cover\n','inherit','closed','closed','','art_covers_hwy','','','2017-06-29 20:58:29','2017-06-30 00:58:29','',228,'http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/art_covers_hwy.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(230,2,'2016-04-08 14:17:59','2016-04-08 18:17:59','My horror novel, \'Highway Hypnosis\', has a new cover. The original painted cover will be available, along with the other painted illustrations, as a limited edition series of prints. I\'ll post further news when they are completed.\r\nThe formatting and cover for the print version of this novel of dark suspense/horror has been completed, and I am currently awaiting a proof copy. The paperback version will be in 6\" x 9\" format, and is 402 pages. It will be available through this site and Amazon within the next few weeks.\r\n\r\nHere\'s the new cover. I opted for a more photographic appearance, as it has proven more popular in the marketplace.\r\n\r\n[caption id=\"attachment_229\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"350\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/art_covers_hwy.jpg\"><img class=\"size-full wp-image-229\" alt=\"Highway Hypnosis - Cover \" src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/art_covers_hwy.jpg\" width=\"350\" height=\"526\" /></a> Highway Hypnosis - Cover[/caption]\r\n\r\nThe E-book version is available for $4.99 -still less than a cup of coffee at Starbucks! Click <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\">here</a> to purchase a copy.\r\nThe paperback version will be available through Amazon and this site for $14.99.  I had hoped for a lower price point, but this was made necessary in order for the book to be distributed to book stores. Still, it\'s cheaper than a good many titles of the same length, and I feel a fair price, considering the effort and time.  I hope my readers will enjoy it as much as I did writing it.\r\n\r\ntill next time - \r\n\r\n~Namaste','Book News - April 2016','','inherit','closed','closed','','228-revision-v1','','','2016-04-08 14:17:59','2016-04-08 18:17:59','',228,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=230',0,'revision','',0),(231,2,'2016-04-08 14:20:21','2016-04-08 18:20:21','[caption id=\"attachment_182\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"229\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/daddy001bm.jpg\"><img src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/daddy001bm-229x300.jpg\" alt=\"My Special Valentine\" width=\"229\" height=\"300\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-182\" /></a> My Special Valentine[/caption]\r\n\r\n\r\nMy Dearest Savannah, \r\nIt is Valentine\'s Day, and though I wanted more than anything to be able \r\nto spend this day with you and your mother,  we have been forced to \r\nspend it apart.  I\'ve been sitting here all night, looking at pictures \r\nof you both, remembering all the times we have had together as tears \r\nfall from my eyes.  I try to make them stop, but I can\'t.  The love I \r\nhave for you both overwhelms me, and I would gladly sacrifice more than \r\nI already have just to hold the both of you again.  Had things gone my \r\nway, I would have given you and your mom some gift, some sign of what \r\nyou both mean to me, and done my best to make your day as sweet as the \r\nsmiles you give me.  I know you are too young to read this, but I hope \r\nagainst hope that maybe your mother still misses some small part of the \r\ntimes we had together, and though I know better, I hope she remembers \r\nhow I used to make her feel, even if it were for a second.  I want so \r\nbad to make you both happy.  It has put an ache in my heart that only \r\nyou and she can erase. \r\nI want you to know I love you, and always will, no matter what may \r\nhappen in the future.  We spent every day together for almost 2 years, \r\nand it was never enough.  I would put you to sleep at night, and even \r\nthough I may have been tired, it would only be a short time before I \r\nwould miss you, and had to resist waking you up just so I could play \r\nwith you again, so much joy did you bring into my life. Every time you \r\nsmiled at me, I could feel my heart swell with love to the point where I \r\ncould barely contain it, just as it did every time your mother smiled at \r\nme, as it did every time either of you held my hand, or gave me the \r\nslightest attention.  I can\'t tell you, or anyone else, how lonely it is \r\nbeing without the ones I love the most. \r\nI want you to know that despite everything, I love your mother with all \r\nmy heart.  She is the most beautiful, creative, amazing woman I have \r\never known, and no one will ever hold my heart like she does. Love is a \r\npowerful thing, little one, and when you find the one you love, I hope \r\nyou are able to hold onto them and are never forced apart, for even \r\nthough love can take you to the greatest hearts, it also has the power \r\nto tear you apart in ways you could not dream. Never be afraid though, \r\nfor a true love is forever, and when you find it, you will know it to \r\nthe deepest parts of your being.  And I love you, little Savannah, more \r\nthan words can say.   Every second apart is an eternity, spent wondering \r\nif you are safe.  Even though we are separated by many miles, you are my \r\nValentine, my little one, my miracle.  You looked at me every day with a \r\nlove purer than anything I\'ve ever known, and likely ever will.  Your \r\nmother once looked at me like that, and I wish somehow, through some act \r\nof Divine Intervention, that I could have her look at me that way again, \r\nand that we could be together in happiness and love.  If i could cut out \r\nthe parts of me that changed her heart, I would do so without a thought, \r\nfor you two mean more to me than anything, even my own soul. \r\nOne day, you may have a little child of your own, and if you do, give \r\nthem all your love.  Give them Valentines, and kisses, hold them close \r\nand tell them how much you love them, because you never know when it \r\nwill be the last time.  Give them all you can, for you do not know what \r\nthe future may bring.  Live in, and appreciate, every second you have \r\ntogether.  I always did, even though it may not have seemed like it, and \r\nnow that you and your mother are gone, all I have are memories, and they \r\ncan never come close to what it feels like to actually be there. \r\nI love you and miss you, my Little Valentine.  Give your mother a kiss \r\nand hug.  I wish I could.  Remember, your Daddy loves you and misses you. \r\n\r\nHappy Valentine\'s Day to you both.  I\'m thinking of you.  ','My Valentine','','inherit','closed','closed','','181-revision-v1','','','2016-04-08 14:20:21','2016-04-08 18:20:21','',181,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=231',0,'revision','',0),(233,2,'2016-04-20 13:53:22','2016-04-20 17:53:22','I am currently waiting on a reply regarding my cover and interior pages for Highway Hypnosis.  Once this is done, I can order a proof for review before making the paperback version available on my site.\r\nThe biggest hurdle, so far, has been an apparent problem in file translation, and by this I mean a change in the actual files when I upload them .  PDF and image files that are created to meet their specifications seem to magically change to a lower dpi when uploaded.  I\'ve installed new software, experimented with a variety of settings, and still I get error messages from the site telling me the dpi is lower than their standard.  I have to wonder, what internet gremlins are working their destructive magic on these files?  \r\nEventually, I\'ll get to the bottom of this, and follow whatever procedures are necessary in order to get my work processed in a reasonable amount of time.   In the meantime, I\'ll let everyone know when the paperback version is available through Amazon and other outlets.\r\nAlso, both my works are still available in ebook formats:\r\nThe Minstrel (novella):  <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/330341\">Purchase here - only $0.99</a>\r\nHighway Hypnosis: <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\">Purchase here - only $4.99</a>\r\n\r\nTill then, \r\n~Namaste\r\n','Book News - April, pt. 2','','publish','closed','closed','','book-news-april-pt-2','','','2016-04-20 13:54:24','2016-04-20 17:54:24','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=233',0,'post','',0),(234,2,'2016-04-20 13:52:38','2016-04-20 17:52:38','I am currently waiting on a reply regarding my cover and interior pages for Highway Hypnosis.  Once this is done, I can order a proof for review before making the paperback version available on my site.\r\nThe biggest hurdle, so far, has been an apparent problem in file translation, and by this I mean a change in the actual files when I upload them .  PDF and image files that are created to meet their specifications seem to magically change to a lower dpi when uploaded.  I\'ve installed new software, experimented with a variety of settings, and still I get error messages from the site telling me the dpi is lower than their standard.  I have to wonder, what internet gremlins are working their destructive magic on these files?  \r\nEventually, I\'ll get to the bottom of this, and follow whatever procedures are necessary in order to get my work processed in a reasonable amount of time.   In the meantime, I\'ll let everyone know when the paperback version is available through Amazon and other outlets.\r\nAlso, both my works are still available in ebook formats:\r\nThe Minstrel (novella):  <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/330341\">Purchase here - only $0.99</a>\r\nHighway Hypnosis: <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\">Purchase here - only $4.99</a>\r\n\r\nTill then, \r\n~Namaste\r\n','Book News - April, pt. 2','','inherit','closed','closed','','233-revision-v1','','','2016-04-20 13:52:38','2016-04-20 17:52:38','',233,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=234',0,'revision','',0),(235,2,'2016-04-20 13:57:26','2016-04-20 17:57:26','My horror novel, \'Highway Hypnosis\', has a new cover. The original painted cover will be available, along with the other painted illustrations, as a limited edition series of prints. I\'ll post further news when they are completed.\r\nThe formatting and cover for the print version of this novel of dark suspense/horror has been completed, and I am currently awaiting a proof copy. The paperback version will be in 6\" x 9\" format, and is 410 pages. It will be available through this site and Amazon within the next few weeks.\r\n\r\nHere\'s the new cover. I opted for a more photographic appearance, as it has proven more popular in the marketplace.\r\n\r\n[caption id=\"attachment_229\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"350\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/art_covers_hwy.jpg\"><img class=\"size-full wp-image-229\" alt=\"Highway Hypnosis - Cover \" src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/art_covers_hwy.jpg\" width=\"350\" height=\"526\" /></a> Highway Hypnosis - Cover[/caption]\r\n\r\nThe E-book version is available for $4.99 -still less than a cup of coffee at Starbucks! Click <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\">here</a> to purchase a copy.\r\nThe paperback version will be available through Amazon and this site for $14.99.  I had hoped for a lower price point, but this was made necessary in order for the book to be distributed to book stores. Still, it\'s cheaper than a good many titles of the same length, and I feel a fair price, considering the effort and time.  I hope my readers will enjoy it as much as I did writing it.\r\n\r\ntill next time - \r\n\r\n~Namaste','Book News - April 2016','','inherit','closed','closed','','228-revision-v1','','','2016-04-20 13:57:26','2016-04-20 17:57:26','',228,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=235',0,'revision','',0),(237,2,'2016-04-29 16:43:43','2016-04-29 20:43:43','I have ordered a proof for my debut horror novel, \"Highway Hypnosis\", and should have a copy by May 9th.  Barring any printing errors, I should have it available on both my site and through Amazon by mid-May.\r\nI have also begun the last illustration for the novel, which will be available as an 8 1/2\"x 11\" print, along with the previous 4, as a giveaway - details will be forthcoming when they are completed.\r\n\r\nIn other writing news, I have recently begun my second novel, and have 23k words so far on the first draft.  I am hopeful to have it completed by the end of summer.  More details as the work progresses.  \r\n\r\nHope everyone is having a successful and productive 2016!\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Book News - April 29, 2016','','publish','closed','closed','','book-news-april-29-2016','','','2016-04-29 16:43:43','2016-04-29 20:43:43','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=237',0,'post','',0),(238,2,'2016-04-29 16:43:43','2016-04-29 20:43:43','I have ordered a proof for my debut horror novel, \"Highway Hypnosis\", and should have a copy by May 9th.  Barring any printing errors, I should have it available on both my site and through Amazon by mid-May.\r\nI have also begun the last illustration for the novel, which will be available as an 8 1/2\"x 11\" print, along with the previous 4, as a giveaway - details will be forthcoming when they are completed.\r\n\r\nIn other writing news, I have recently begun my second novel, and have 23k words so far on the first draft.  I am hopeful to have it completed by the end of summer.  More details as the work progresses.  \r\n\r\nHope everyone is having a successful and productive 2016!\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Book News - April 29, 2016','','inherit','closed','closed','','237-revision-v1','','','2016-04-29 16:43:43','2016-04-29 20:43:43','',237,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=238',0,'revision','',0),(240,2,'2016-06-10 13:49:10','2016-06-10 17:49:10','After several false starts, I believe I have managed to complete  what I hope will be the final edit for my novel.  It was only after receiving the printed proof that I began noticing small but annoying things that needed correction.  Most of these were the result of previous edits, such as double periods, the occasional spacing error, and missing words or letters (the result of too many cut and paste operations).  The electronic version has already been uploaded, and can be found <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\">here</a>.  177k words of scary goodness, people.  All that and more for less than a cup of Starbucks coffee.\r\nBuy it.\r\nSeriously.\r\nYou know you want to.\r\n\r\nAs far as the print version goes, I\'ll be reviewing the proof, in either electronic or print form, one last time (fingers crossed) before making it available on Amazon.  I was very satisfied with the printing and binding quality last time around, and with any luck, will not find any interior printing errors.\r\n\r\nI\'ve also transferred the final illustration for the novel to a board for painting, and hope to have progress pictures soon.  As I have posted earlier, I plan on producing prints of these illustrations, and making them available as part of a giveaway in relation to the release of the print version of Highway Hypnosis.\r\n\r\nSo, until my next post,\r\n~Namaste','Book News - June 10','','publish','closed','closed','','book-news-june-10','','','2016-06-10 13:49:10','2016-06-10 17:49:10','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=240',0,'post','',0),(241,2,'2016-06-10 13:49:10','2016-06-10 17:49:10','After several false starts, I believe I have managed to complete  what I hope will be the final edit for my novel.  It was only after receiving the printed proof that I began noticing small but annoying things that needed correction.  Most of these were the result of previous edits, such as double periods, the occasional spacing error, and missing words or letters (the result of too many cut and paste operations).  The electronic version has already been uploaded, and can be found <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\">here</a>.  177k words of scary goodness, people.  All that and more for less than a cup of Starbucks coffee.\r\nBuy it.\r\nSeriously.\r\nYou know you want to.\r\n\r\nAs far as the print version goes, I\'ll be reviewing the proof, in either electronic or print form, one last time (fingers crossed) before making it available on Amazon.  I was very satisfied with the printing and binding quality last time around, and with any luck, will not find any interior printing errors.\r\n\r\nI\'ve also transferred the final illustration for the novel to a board for painting, and hope to have progress pictures soon.  As I have posted earlier, I plan on producing prints of these illustrations, and making them available as part of a giveaway in relation to the release of the print version of Highway Hypnosis.\r\n\r\nSo, until my next post,\r\n~Namaste','Book News - June 10','','inherit','closed','closed','','240-revision-v1','','','2016-06-10 13:49:10','2016-06-10 17:49:10','',240,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=241',0,'revision','',0),(243,2,'2016-07-13 16:09:11','2016-07-13 20:09:11','Just when you think it\'s over - you find another reason to edit.\r\nI\'m currently editing my novel - again - as the review of my digital proof turned up more items that left me unsatisfied.  I\'m up to chapter 10, and will post more news as I progress.  I\'d like to be able to announce a final publication date, but I\'m engaged in several enterprises at the moment in addition to working full-time, and the human body can only work so hard before it begins to break down.  So, in order to maintain both my physical and mental health, I do my best not to overwork myself in any one direction.\r\nStill, I\'m hoping to finish my last edit within the next few weeks, and will releasing both the e-book and print editions at that time.\r\nI\'ve learned much in the process of creating this first novel, and will be sure to streamline the process for future works.  Editing is the most important (and most tedious) part of the writing process, and as I am a perfectionist, will continue that process as many times as necessary to ensure the best possible result.  I\'ve worked on this novel for a long time, and refuse to release anything that does not meet my standards in terms of format and editing.\r\nIn other writing news, I\'ve been working on a new novel, which I hope to release by the end of the year, as well as a short story that will be included in a later collection.  More details are forthcoming, so be sure to visit often!  \r\nUntil next time, I hope all my watchers are having a glorious summer.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Just When You Think It\'s Over','','publish','closed','closed','','just-when-you-think-its-over','','','2016-07-13 16:09:11','2016-07-13 20:09:11','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=243',0,'post','',0),(244,2,'2016-07-13 16:09:11','2016-07-13 20:09:11','Just when you think it\'s over - you find another reason to edit.\r\nI\'m currently editing my novel - again - as the review of my digital proof turned up more items that left me unsatisfied.  I\'m up to chapter 10, and will post more news as I progress.  I\'d like to be able to announce a final publication date, but I\'m engaged in several enterprises at the moment in addition to working full-time, and the human body can only work so hard before it begins to break down.  So, in order to maintain both my physical and mental health, I do my best not to overwork myself in any one direction.\r\nStill, I\'m hoping to finish my last edit within the next few weeks, and will releasing both the e-book and print editions at that time.\r\nI\'ve learned much in the process of creating this first novel, and will be sure to streamline the process for future works.  Editing is the most important (and most tedious) part of the writing process, and as I am a perfectionist, will continue that process as many times as necessary to ensure the best possible result.  I\'ve worked on this novel for a long time, and refuse to release anything that does not meet my standards in terms of format and editing.\r\nIn other writing news, I\'ve been working on a new novel, which I hope to release by the end of the year, as well as a short story that will be included in a later collection.  More details are forthcoming, so be sure to visit often!  \r\nUntil next time, I hope all my watchers are having a glorious summer.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Just When You Think It\'s Over','','inherit','closed','closed','','243-revision-v1','','','2016-07-13 16:09:11','2016-07-13 20:09:11','',243,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=244',0,'revision','',0),(245,2,'2016-07-19 16:26:58','2016-07-19 20:26:58','I have several creative projects ongoing at the moment, and the real challenge has been to divide my time between editing, painting, design, and website maintenance.  I use my downtime at work to edit my novel, and am at the half-way point at page 205.  The final illustration painting for the novel, which will be used in a later promotion, has been fully sketched out and is awaiting painting.  Meanwhile, I\'ve begun working on three new painted furniture projects.  These have been primed, and the designs for them are in the process of being transferred to the table surface for painting.  Of these 3 separate endeavors, the illustration will be the easiest, as I have to do now is paint it.  Editing requires not only reading and re-writing, but formatting the finished result into both e-book and printed formats, and uploading them to their respective sites.  Despite all this, I am shooting to complete all of them by the end of August, so stay tuned!\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Time Vs. Creativity','','publish','closed','closed','','time-vs-creativity','','','2016-07-19 16:26:58','2016-07-19 20:26:58','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=245',0,'post','',0),(246,2,'2016-07-19 16:25:58','2016-07-19 20:25:58','I have several creative projects ongoing at the moment, and the real challenge has been to divide my time between editing, painting, design, and website maintenance.  I use my downtime at work to edit my novel, and am at the half-way point at page 205.  The final illustration painting for the novel, which will be used in a later promotion, has been fully sketched out and is awaiting painting.  Meanwhile, I\'ve begun working on three new painted furniture projects.  These have been primed, and the designs for them are in the process of being transferred to the table surface for painting.  Of these 3 separate endeavors, the illustration will be the easiest, as I have to do now is paint it.  Editing requires not only reading and re-writing, but formatting the finished result into both e-book and printed formats, and uploading them to their respective sites.  Despite all this, I am shooting to complete all of them by the end of August, so stay tuned!\r\n\r\n~Namaste','','','inherit','closed','closed','','245-revision-v1','','','2016-07-19 16:25:58','2016-07-19 20:25:58','',245,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=246',0,'revision','',0),(247,2,'2016-07-19 16:26:58','2016-07-19 20:26:58','I have several creative projects ongoing at the moment, and the real challenge has been to divide my time between editing, painting, design, and website maintenance.  I use my downtime at work to edit my novel, and am at the half-way point at page 205.  The final illustration painting for the novel, which will be used in a later promotion, has been fully sketched out and is awaiting painting.  Meanwhile, I\'ve begun working on three new painted furniture projects.  These have been primed, and the designs for them are in the process of being transferred to the table surface for painting.  Of these 3 separate endeavors, the illustration will be the easiest, as I have to do now is paint it.  Editing requires not only reading and re-writing, but formatting the finished result into both e-book and printed formats, and uploading them to their respective sites.  Despite all this, I am shooting to complete all of them by the end of August, so stay tuned!\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Time Vs. Creativity','','inherit','closed','closed','','245-revision-v1','','','2016-07-19 16:26:58','2016-07-19 20:26:58','',245,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=247',0,'revision','',0),(249,2,'2016-08-07 00:43:44','2016-08-07 04:43:44','Every year, on August 5th, I try to reflect, and sometimes celebrate, my continued existence.  In 2002, I was the victim of a near-fatal automobile accident in which I was ejected through the sun-roof of an SUV that was flipping over at 40+ mph.  This time each year, I write about that event, how it affected me and changed my perceptions on life, and my reflections on that subject through that new perspective.\r\nThis marks the fourteenth year since that day, and this year has been harder to write about than most.  The last few years have not been kind, and have tested both my spirit and my patience to its limit.  I\'ve been forced to suffer the height of injustice several times in the last few years, and these in turn have darkened my perspective on both my future and the state of society in general.  These ordeals are not yet over, and the effects of them will stay with me for quite some time, possibly even for the rest of my life.  I\'ve learned to deal with the physical hardships; living with chronic pain every day due to the injuries I received has given me little choice in that regard.  No, it\'s the insults to my character and integrity that I have difficulty dealing with.  Due to circumstances way beyond my ability to control, and the incompetence on the part of law enforcement in North Carolina, there are those close to me that have been given a skewed, false impression as to who I really am, and this more than anything else has caused me deep inner pain and grief.  I have built my character around the concepts of truth, honesty, and loyalty, and when these are questioned by those with no qualifications to do so, it gets my under my skin.\r\nEach year, around this time, I make a Life Determination, based on the previous year, similar to those most do on New Year\'s, only with more conviction and sincerity than a mere resolution.  This year, I have decided that no longer allow the opinions of these people affect me.  Life is simply too short and fragile to waste time on things.  I will do nothing to correct those false impressions other than to continue living my life as I have - with honor and personal integrity.  In time, the truth of these matters will be shown, and Karma will perform its function.  Truth exists despite the best efforts of others to obfuscate, twist, distort, or deny it.  Eventually, it makes itself known, and when the day comes for me to face the dark, I will face it with my integrity intact.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','That Time of Year','','publish','closed','closed','','that-time-of-year','','','2016-08-07 00:43:44','2016-08-07 04:43:44','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=249',0,'post','',0),(250,2,'2016-08-07 00:43:44','2016-08-07 04:43:44','Every year, on August 5th, I try to reflect, and sometimes celebrate, my continued existence.  In 2002, I was the victim of a near-fatal automobile accident in which I was ejected through the sun-roof of an SUV that was flipping over at 40+ mph.  This time each year, I write about that event, how it affected me and changed my perceptions on life, and my reflections on that subject through that new perspective.\r\nThis marks the fourteenth year since that day, and this year has been harder to write about than most.  The last few years have not been kind, and have tested both my spirit and my patience to its limit.  I\'ve been forced to suffer the height of injustice several times in the last few years, and these in turn have darkened my perspective on both my future and the state of society in general.  These ordeals are not yet over, and the effects of them will stay with me for quite some time, possibly even for the rest of my life.  I\'ve learned to deal with the physical hardships; living with chronic pain every day due to the injuries I received has given me little choice in that regard.  No, it\'s the insults to my character and integrity that I have difficulty dealing with.  Due to circumstances way beyond my ability to control, and the incompetence on the part of law enforcement in North Carolina, there are those close to me that have been given a skewed, false impression as to who I really am, and this more than anything else has caused me deep inner pain and grief.  I have built my character around the concepts of truth, honesty, and loyalty, and when these are questioned by those with no qualifications to do so, it gets my under my skin.\r\nEach year, around this time, I make a Life Determination, based on the previous year, similar to those most do on New Year\'s, only with more conviction and sincerity than a mere resolution.  This year, I have decided that no longer allow the opinions of these people affect me.  Life is simply too short and fragile to waste time on things.  I will do nothing to correct those false impressions other than to continue living my life as I have - with honor and personal integrity.  In time, the truth of these matters will be shown, and Karma will perform its function.  Truth exists despite the best efforts of others to obfuscate, twist, distort, or deny it.  Eventually, it makes itself known, and when the day comes for me to face the dark, I will face it with my integrity intact.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','That Time of Year','','inherit','closed','closed','','249-revision-v1','','','2016-08-07 00:43:44','2016-08-07 04:43:44','',249,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=250',0,'revision','',0),(251,2,'2016-08-12 13:11:58','2016-08-12 17:11:58','I am currently working on several creative projects.  In addition to new works of painted furniture that I create for <a href=\"http://www.reincarnations.com\">Reincarnations Painted Furniture</a>, I have been working on editing out the errors I found in my manuscript for Highway Hypnosis.  I am about a third of the way through what will be the last edit, and I will once again be making the book available in both print and e-book formats.  I have also completed the layout for the last painted illustration for the book, and will be making prints available sometime in the near future.  \r\nBeing both an artist and writer, I have to juggle these various creative projects around a full-time job, as well the normal day-to-day errands and housework.  I\'ve also had to deal with the stress and other factors caused by the inept legal system in North Carolina (something I will be writing upon in length after the ordeal is over), and this has also played a part in delaying the final editing and publishing of my first novel.  With any luck, a major part of that will be put behind me next Tuesday, and I can get on with a more normal life.  Normal for a writer/artist, anyway.  Combined, these activities—the writing, painting, editing, and normal life maintenance—give me about a 18-19 hour work day, seven days a week. In my life, there is never time to be bored, or a lack of things that have to be done.  Fortunately for me, my job currently allows me to work on some of my creative projects in between my normal job duties, and thus I expect to be able to complete both the painted furniture, as well as the final revision of my manuscript, on time.\r\nOf course, the publication of the novel will not be an end, but merely a beginning.  I have several more novels, as well as some short stories, in the pipeline, and I am confident that these projects will take only a fraction of the time compared to this first novel, which for all authors, is a learning process.\r\nSo stay tuned - I should have news regarding the release dates of the revised version within the next few weeks.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Writing Update - August 12,2016','','publish','closed','closed','','writing-update-august-122016','','','2016-08-12 13:11:58','2016-08-12 17:11:58','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=251',0,'post','',0),(252,2,'2016-08-12 13:11:58','2016-08-12 17:11:58','I am currently working on several creative projects.  In addition to new works of painted furniture that I create for <a href=\"http://www.reincarnations.com\">Reincarnations Painted Furniture</a>, I have been working on editing out the errors I found in my manuscript for Highway Hypnosis.  I am about a third of the way through what will be the last edit, and I will once again be making the book available in both print and e-book formats.  I have also completed the layout for the last painted illustration for the book, and will be making prints available sometime in the near future.  \r\nBeing both an artist and writer, I have to juggle these various creative projects around a full-time job, as well the normal day-to-day errands and housework.  I\'ve also had to deal with the stress and other factors caused by the inept legal system in North Carolina (something I will be writing upon in length after the ordeal is over), and this has also played a part in delaying the final editing and publishing of my first novel.  With any luck, a major part of that will be put behind me next Tuesday, and I can get on with a more normal life.  Normal for a writer/artist, anyway.  Combined, these activities—the writing, painting, editing, and normal life maintenance—give me about a 18-19 hour work day, seven days a week. In my life, there is never time to be bored, or a lack of things that have to be done.  Fortunately for me, my job currently allows me to work on some of my creative projects in between my normal job duties, and thus I expect to be able to complete both the painted furniture, as well as the final revision of my manuscript, on time.\r\nOf course, the publication of the novel will not be an end, but merely a beginning.  I have several more novels, as well as some short stories, in the pipeline, and I am confident that these projects will take only a fraction of the time compared to this first novel, which for all authors, is a learning process.\r\nSo stay tuned - I should have news regarding the release dates of the revised version within the next few weeks.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Writing Update - August 12,2016','','inherit','closed','closed','','251-revision-v1','','','2016-08-12 13:11:58','2016-08-12 17:11:58','',251,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=252',0,'revision','',0),(254,2,'2016-08-18 15:44:25','0000-00-00 00:00:00','The revised E-book version of Highway Hypnosis is now available at <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\">Smashwords.com</a>.  This edition has been thoroughly edited, and is only $4.99 for 177k words worth of scary goodness, so download your copy today.\r\nYou know you want to...\r\nThe print edition should be available next week.  I will post purchasing details as soon as it is finished.','Revised E-Book Now Available','','draft','closed','closed','','','','','2016-08-18 15:44:25','2016-08-18 19:44:25','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=254',0,'post','',0),(255,2,'2016-08-18 15:44:25','2016-08-18 19:44:25','The revised E-book version of Highway Hypnosis is now available at <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\">Smashwords.com</a>.  This edition has been thoroughly edited, and is only $4.99 for 177k words worth of scary goodness, so download your copy today.\r\nYou know you want to...\r\nThe print edition should be available next week.  I will post purchasing details as soon as it is finished.','Revised E-Book Now Available','','inherit','closed','closed','','254-revision-v1','','','2016-08-18 15:44:25','2016-08-18 19:44:25','',254,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=255',0,'revision','',0),(256,2,'2016-08-18 16:07:25','2016-08-18 20:07:25','The revised E-book version of Highway Hypnosis, my first novel length tale of horror, is now available at <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\">Smashwords.com</a>.  This edition has been thoroughly edited, and is only $4.99 for 177k words worth of scary goodness, so download your copy today.\r\nYou know you want to...\r\nThe print edition should be available next week.  I will post purchasing details as soon as it is finished.','Revised E-Book Now Available','','publish','closed','closed','','revised-e-book-now-available','','','2016-08-18 16:07:25','2016-08-18 20:07:25','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=256',0,'post','',0),(257,2,'2016-08-18 16:07:25','2016-08-18 20:07:25','The revised E-book version of Highway Hypnosis, my first novel length tale of horror, is now available at <a href=\"https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/620148\">Smashwords.com</a>.  This edition has been thoroughly edited, and is only $4.99 for 177k words worth of scary goodness, so download your copy today.\r\nYou know you want to...\r\nThe print edition should be available next week.  I will post purchasing details as soon as it is finished.','Revised E-Book Now Available','','inherit','closed','closed','','256-revision-v1','','','2016-08-18 16:07:25','2016-08-18 20:07:25','',256,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=257',0,'revision','',0),(261,2,'2016-09-02 15:32:49','2016-09-02 19:32:49','After finding a number of things in the last version of the manuscript for my novel, I went back to the drawing board — again — to hammer out some editing issues that desperately needed attention.  This process required me to go through the manuscript in its entirety several times, until I had what I felt, and still feel, is the best version of the story that I could make.  It wasn\'t just grammatical issues that I had to contend with; editing is a tedious process, and there were many places where I felt the wording or descriptions were lacking, and I did my best to fix those, without losing the pace of the story.  This novel has been a long (too long some would say) hard road for me, and after all that effort, I did not want to put out anything less than what I felt was the best  of my ability.  This included the cover design, description, and even the author bio.  These all required several revisions, and each revision had to be reviewed before I could move forward, and this added several months to the overall project.\r\nThis is my first novel.  There were bound to be mistakes, and I made them — plenty of them.  But, I learned as much as could on every occasion, and have vowed to not repeat them as much as humanly possible.  I believe that my further releases will not take anywhere near as long to bring to light as my first.  I hope not, because if it does, I won\'t live long enough to write more than another book or two.\r\nYes, it\'s been <em>that</em> long.\r\nBut, after more rewrites and edits than I can count, a complete revision of the cover (I went from a hand-painted version to a more photographic look), and several edits of the description, which appears on the back cover, I am finally satisfied.  That means it\'s proof time again, and I\'ll be sending off for one within the next few days.  I have already reviewed the interior, and am happy with the typesetting, font, and so on, and this proof will be mainly for the quality of the cover image.  If it looks good, I\'ll finally be releasing it within the next week to ten days.  I\'ll be updating my blog as soon as this occurs, naturally.\r\nThen, I\'ll be able to sit back and relax...not.  \r\nActually, I\'ll be able to use all the time I used to spend on this novel, to write and edit my <em>second</em> novel, which has been screaming to be let loose into the world for the last couple of years.  I\'ve gone so far as completing most of the outline, several character bios, and have written about a hundred pages of the first draft.\r\nAgain, I\'ll be posting more as the project continues.\r\nBut for now, I am finally done writing a story that has taken so many years to see the light of day.  With any luck at all, I am only a proof away from publication.  \r\nThanks for reading, and I hope everyone is having a wonderful summer.\r\nUntil next time,\r\n\r\n~Namaste','It\'s Proof Time! (Again)','','publish','closed','closed','','its-proof-time-again','','','2016-09-02 15:32:49','2016-09-02 19:32:49','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=261',0,'post','',0),(262,2,'2016-09-02 15:32:25','2016-09-02 19:32:25','After finding a number of things in the last version of the manuscript for my novel, I went back to the drawing board — again — to hammer out some editing issues that desperately needed attention.  This process required me to go through the manuscript in its entirety several times, until I had what I felt, and still feel, is the best version of the story that I could make.  It wasn\'t just grammatical issues that I had to contend with; editing is a tedious process, and there were many places where I felt the wording or descriptions were lacking, and I did my best to fix those, without losing the pace of the story.  This novel has been a long (too long some would say) hard road for me, and after all that effort, I did not want to put out anything less than what I felt was the best  of my ability.  This included the cover design, description, and even the author bio.  These all required several revisions, and each revision had to be reviewed before I could move forward, and this added several months to the overall project.\r\nThis is my first novel.  There were bound to be mistakes, and I made them — plenty of them.  But, I learned as much as could on every occasion, and have vowed to not repeat them as much as humanly possible.  I believe that my further releases will not take anywhere near as long to bring to light as my first.  I hope not, because if it does, I won\'t live long enough to write more than another book or two.\r\nYes, it\'s been <em>that</em> long.\r\nBut, after more rewrites and edits than I can count, a complete revision of the cover (I went from a hand-painted version to a more photographic look), and several edits of the description, which appears on the back cover, I am finally satisfied.  That means it\'s proof time again, and I\'ll be sending off for one within the next few days.  I have already reviewed the interior, and am happy with the typesetting, font, and so on, and this proof will be mainly for the quality of the cover image.  If it looks good, I\'ll finally be releasing it within the next week to ten days.  I\'ll be updating my blog as soon as this occurs, naturally.\r\nThen, I\'ll be able to sit back and relax...not.  \r\nActually, I\'ll be able to use all the time I used to spend on this novel, to write and edit my <em>second</em> novel, which has been screaming to be let loose into the world for the last couple of years.  I\'ve gone so far as completing most of the outline, several character bios, and have written about a hundred pages of the first draft.\r\nAgain, I\'ll be posting more as the project continues.\r\nBut for now, I am finally done writing a story that has taken so many years to see the light of day.  With any luck at all, I am only a proof away from publication.  \r\nThanks for reading, and I hope everyone is having a wonderful summer.\r\nUntil next time,\r\n\r\n~Namaste','It\'s Proof Time!','','inherit','closed','closed','','261-revision-v1','','','2016-09-02 15:32:25','2016-09-02 19:32:25','',261,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=262',0,'revision','',0),(263,2,'2016-09-02 15:32:49','2016-09-02 19:32:49','After finding a number of things in the last version of the manuscript for my novel, I went back to the drawing board — again — to hammer out some editing issues that desperately needed attention.  This process required me to go through the manuscript in its entirety several times, until I had what I felt, and still feel, is the best version of the story that I could make.  It wasn\'t just grammatical issues that I had to contend with; editing is a tedious process, and there were many places where I felt the wording or descriptions were lacking, and I did my best to fix those, without losing the pace of the story.  This novel has been a long (too long some would say) hard road for me, and after all that effort, I did not want to put out anything less than what I felt was the best  of my ability.  This included the cover design, description, and even the author bio.  These all required several revisions, and each revision had to be reviewed before I could move forward, and this added several months to the overall project.\r\nThis is my first novel.  There were bound to be mistakes, and I made them — plenty of them.  But, I learned as much as could on every occasion, and have vowed to not repeat them as much as humanly possible.  I believe that my further releases will not take anywhere near as long to bring to light as my first.  I hope not, because if it does, I won\'t live long enough to write more than another book or two.\r\nYes, it\'s been <em>that</em> long.\r\nBut, after more rewrites and edits than I can count, a complete revision of the cover (I went from a hand-painted version to a more photographic look), and several edits of the description, which appears on the back cover, I am finally satisfied.  That means it\'s proof time again, and I\'ll be sending off for one within the next few days.  I have already reviewed the interior, and am happy with the typesetting, font, and so on, and this proof will be mainly for the quality of the cover image.  If it looks good, I\'ll finally be releasing it within the next week to ten days.  I\'ll be updating my blog as soon as this occurs, naturally.\r\nThen, I\'ll be able to sit back and relax...not.  \r\nActually, I\'ll be able to use all the time I used to spend on this novel, to write and edit my <em>second</em> novel, which has been screaming to be let loose into the world for the last couple of years.  I\'ve gone so far as completing most of the outline, several character bios, and have written about a hundred pages of the first draft.\r\nAgain, I\'ll be posting more as the project continues.\r\nBut for now, I am finally done writing a story that has taken so many years to see the light of day.  With any luck at all, I am only a proof away from publication.  \r\nThanks for reading, and I hope everyone is having a wonderful summer.\r\nUntil next time,\r\n\r\n~Namaste','It\'s Proof Time! (Again)','','inherit','closed','closed','','261-revision-v1','','','2016-09-02 15:32:49','2016-09-02 19:32:49','',261,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=263',0,'revision','',0),(265,2,'2016-09-20 16:18:46','2016-09-20 20:18:46','I\'ve received what should be the final proof copy of Highway Hypnosis.  The cover and print style is more than satisfactory, and barring any pagination or unexpected errors, I should be able to approve the proof once it has been proofread.  I have a proofreader, and they will be going through the copy line by line to ensure that the book is of the highest quality I can deliver before release.\r\nAfter so much time, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel for this project, and feel confident enough to start working on my second novel - a story that involves the point where spirituality, string theory, and quantum mechanics meet - all within a dark suspense framework.\r\nI\'ll post the results of the proofreading when it is completed, and the site will be updated accordingly to make the print version available directly through the site.\r\nSo, until next time...\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Proof Review Time','','publish','closed','closed','','proof-review-time','','','2016-09-20 16:18:46','2016-09-20 20:18:46','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=265',0,'post','',0),(266,2,'2016-09-20 16:18:46','2016-09-20 20:18:46','I\'ve received what should be the final proof copy of Highway Hypnosis.  The cover and print style is more than satisfactory, and barring any pagination or unexpected errors, I should be able to approve the proof once it has been proofread.  I have a proofreader, and they will be going through the copy line by line to ensure that the book is of the highest quality I can deliver before release.\r\nAfter so much time, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel for this project, and feel confident enough to start working on my second novel - a story that involves the point where spirituality, string theory, and quantum mechanics meet - all within a dark suspense framework.\r\nI\'ll post the results of the proofreading when it is completed, and the site will be updated accordingly to make the print version available directly through the site.\r\nSo, until next time...\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Proof Review Time','','inherit','closed','closed','','265-revision-v1','','','2016-09-20 16:18:46','2016-09-20 20:18:46','',265,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=266',0,'revision','',0),(268,2,'2016-10-14 16:28:25','2016-10-14 20:28:25','My first novel, <em>Highway Hypnosis</em>, has finally been released!  It is now available on both <a href=\"https://www.createspace.com/6191217\">Createspace</a> and on <a href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Highway-Hypnosis-Michael-Vain/dp/1530927099\">Amazon.com</a>.  \r\nAs many know, this is has been a VERY long road for me.  I started this novel over twenty years ago, and have raised two children, received three black belts in different martial arts, got married again, had another baby, and nearly died, all in that timeframe.  There were many times where I thought it to be an impossible undertaking, that I did not have the time, skill, or patience necessary to see it through, but somehow, never managed to lose hope, and now I can finally say I am an indie author.\r\nSo please, feel free to check out my book, and leave a review!','First Paperback Release!','','publish','closed','closed','','first-paperback-release','','','2016-10-14 16:28:25','2016-10-14 20:28:25','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=268',0,'post','',0),(269,2,'2016-10-14 16:28:25','2016-10-14 20:28:25','My first novel, <em>Highway Hypnosis</em>, has finally been released!  It is now available on both <a href=\"https://www.createspace.com/6191217\">Createspace</a> and on <a href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Highway-Hypnosis-Michael-Vain/dp/1530927099\">Amazon.com</a>.  \r\nAs many know, this is has been a VERY long road for me.  I started this novel over twenty years ago, and have raised two children, received three black belts in different martial arts, got married again, had another baby, and nearly died, all in that timeframe.  There were many times where I thought it to be an impossible undertaking, that I did not have the time, skill, or patience necessary to see it through, but somehow, never managed to lose hope, and now I can finally say I am an indie author.\r\nSo please, feel free to check out my book, and leave a review!','First Paperback Release!','','inherit','closed','closed','','268-revision-v1','','','2016-10-14 16:28:25','2016-10-14 20:28:25','',268,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=269',0,'revision','',0),(271,2,'2017-01-03 16:30:58','0000-00-00 00:00:00','Wow, time sure does fly when you\'re having fun, doesn\'t it?  Actually, it seems to fly regardless of the fun these days.  2016 was pretty much a shit-trifecta for me; the last three years have been particularly trying, financially, emotionally, and physically.  I\'ve had to endure the loss of my freedom and abuse at the hands of corrupt judges and spiteful court employees who got their panties in a bunch despite being innocent (no Ohio, I haven\'t forgotten you), lost my home, suffered through extreme depression, and was forced to face more unpleasantness than I care to relate.  Somehow, I managed to get my first paperback into print (after working on the manuscript for over two decades, but that\'s another story), prevent myself from living in a box under an overpass, and even find some gainful employment while trying to further my artistic pursuits, but I can honestly say I never want to have to go through such a time again.\n2016 was also a nasty year for so many others.  We lost a good number of cherished actors, musicians, and other performers from our childhoods, watched as innocent people in Yemen and other nations were slaughtered, and was forced to watch while our election process was unveiled as a complete sham as idiots across the country voted the King of the Oompa-Loompas into our nation\'s highest office.\nNow, however, the great celestial cycle begins anew, and I can only hope that it will be a more positive year than the one previous.  True, it is likely that the next four years will be harder for many, especially financially, for those in creative industries, but I still have hope.  With that hope has come a newfound determination that I will not allow the events of the last three years to repeat themselves.  I have learned much through those events, and will be using that knowledge to safeguard myself against such stressful and unpleasant things in the future.  To do this, I will have to become much more proactive in how I deal with both people and agencies, and though I have been hesitant ','2017 Is Here','','draft','closed','closed','','','','','2017-01-03 16:30:58','2017-01-03 21:30:58','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=271',0,'post','',0),(273,2,'2017-01-04 16:21:11','2017-01-04 21:21:11','Wow, time sure does fly when you\'re having fun, doesn\'t it?  Actually, it seems to fly regardless of the fun these days.  2016 was pretty much a shit-trifecta for me; the last three years have been particularly trying, financially, emotionally, and physically.  I\'ve had to endure the loss of my freedom and abuse at the hands of corrupt judges and spiteful court employees who got their panties in a bunch despite being innocent (no Ohio, I haven\'t forgotten you), lost my home, suffered through extreme depression, and was forced to face more unpleasantness than I care to relate.  Somehow, I managed to get my first paperback into print (after working on the manuscript for over two decades, but that\'s another story), prevent myself from living in a box under an overpass, and even find some gainful employment while trying to further my artistic pursuits, but I can honestly say I never want to have to go through such a time again.\r\n2016 was also a nasty year for so many others.  We lost a good number of cherished actors, musicians, and other performers from our childhoods, watched as innocent people in Yemen and other nations were slaughtered, and endured a controversial election for our nation\'s highest office.\r\nNow, however, the great celestial cycle begins anew, and I can only hope that it will be a more positive year than the one previous.  True, it is likely that the next four years will be harder for many, especially financially, for those in creative industries, but I still have hope.  With that hope has come a newfound determination that I will not allow the events of the last three years to repeat themselves.  I have learned much through those experiences, and will be using that knowledge to safeguard myself against such stressful and unpleasant things in the future.  To do this, I will have to become much more proactive in how I deal with such things, and have renewed my determination to produce more creatively in the coming year.  These are not resolutions, as they are a refreshing of goals, a renewed zest for making the best of the time I am allowed.\r\nTo that end, I am hoping to produce at least one more novel in the coming year.  I learned a great deal from publishing my first paperback, and this should save me a great amount of stress and effort in regards to future works.  I have about 100 pages of new manuscript, and hope to have the first draft completed by April.  Normally,  this would be an easy deadline, but having a young child at home puts my time at a premium.  Still, I have high hopes that at least one of the writing projects I have on my list will see fruition in the year to come.  I\'ll be sure to update my blog with updates on current and future projects time goes on.\r\nAlso, I am looking into adding some blogs to my site via a Youtube channel.  This would give me an opportunity to discuss various topics, give the occasional book review, and update various writing and art projects.  This is only in the planning stage at the moment, but I\'ll be sure to update those interested with any developments.\r\nWell, that\'s it for now.  Best New Year\'s wishes for everyone!\r\nUntil next time, I hope everyone has a wonderful 2017.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','2017 Is Here','','publish','closed','closed','','2017-is-here','','','2017-01-04 16:21:11','2017-01-04 21:21:11','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=273',0,'post','',0),(274,2,'2017-01-04 16:21:11','2017-01-04 21:21:11','Wow, time sure does fly when you\'re having fun, doesn\'t it?  Actually, it seems to fly regardless of the fun these days.  2016 was pretty much a shit-trifecta for me; the last three years have been particularly trying, financially, emotionally, and physically.  I\'ve had to endure the loss of my freedom and abuse at the hands of corrupt judges and spiteful court employees who got their panties in a bunch despite being innocent (no Ohio, I haven\'t forgotten you), lost my home, suffered through extreme depression, and was forced to face more unpleasantness than I care to relate.  Somehow, I managed to get my first paperback into print (after working on the manuscript for over two decades, but that\'s another story), prevent myself from living in a box under an overpass, and even find some gainful employment while trying to further my artistic pursuits, but I can honestly say I never want to have to go through such a time again.\r\n2016 was also a nasty year for so many others.  We lost a good number of cherished actors, musicians, and other performers from our childhoods, watched as innocent people in Yemen and other nations were slaughtered, and endured a controversial election for our nation\'s highest office.\r\nNow, however, the great celestial cycle begins anew, and I can only hope that it will be a more positive year than the one previous.  True, it is likely that the next four years will be harder for many, especially financially, for those in creative industries, but I still have hope.  With that hope has come a newfound determination that I will not allow the events of the last three years to repeat themselves.  I have learned much through those experiences, and will be using that knowledge to safeguard myself against such stressful and unpleasant things in the future.  To do this, I will have to become much more proactive in how I deal with such things, and have renewed my determination to produce more creatively in the coming year.  These are not resolutions, as they are a refreshing of goals, a renewed zest for making the best of the time I am allowed.\r\nTo that end, I am hoping to produce at least one more novel in the coming year.  I learned a great deal from publishing my first paperback, and this should save me a great amount of stress and effort in regards to future works.  I have about 100 pages of new manuscript, and hope to have the first draft completed by April.  Normally,  this would be an easy deadline, but having a young child at home puts my time at a premium.  Still, I have high hopes that at least one of the writing projects I have on my list will see fruition in the year to come.  I\'ll be sure to update my blog with updates on current and future projects time goes on.\r\nAlso, I am looking into adding some blogs to my site via a Youtube channel.  This would give me an opportunity to discuss various topics, give the occasional book review, and update various writing and art projects.  This is only in the planning stage at the moment, but I\'ll be sure to update those interested with any developments.\r\nWell, that\'s it for now.  Best New Year\'s wishes for everyone!\r\nUntil next time, I hope everyone has a wonderful 2017.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','2017 Is Here','','inherit','closed','closed','','273-revision-v1','','','2017-01-04 16:21:11','2017-01-04 21:21:11','',273,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=274',0,'revision','',0),(276,2,'2017-02-06 15:54:14','2017-02-06 20:54:14','I have always been something of a perfectionist, even when said perfection is obviously unachievable.  This is especially true for my creative ventures, and whenever I discover something new, I have a tendency to go back and apply that new knowledge to old projects as well as new ones.  Due to this, and the notes supplied to me by my beta-reader, Highway Hypnosis is currently unavailable in paperback.  I have already revised the manuscript of several small but personally annoying errors, and will be re-releasing the novel within a few days.  I\'ll be sure to post as soon as it is available again.  \r\n\r\nTim next time,\r\n\r\n~Namaste','The Perils of Perfectionism','','publish','closed','closed','','the-perils-of-perfectionism','','','2017-02-06 15:54:14','2017-02-06 20:54:14','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=276',0,'post','',0),(277,2,'2017-02-06 15:54:14','2017-02-06 20:54:14','I have always been something of a perfectionist, even when said perfection is obviously unachievable.  This is especially true for my creative ventures, and whenever I discover something new, I have a tendency to go back and apply that new knowledge to old projects as well as new ones.  Due to this, and the notes supplied to me by my beta-reader, Highway Hypnosis is currently unavailable in paperback.  I have already revised the manuscript of several small but personally annoying errors, and will be re-releasing the novel within a few days.  I\'ll be sure to post as soon as it is available again.  \r\n\r\nTim next time,\r\n\r\n~Namaste','The Perils of Perfectionism','','inherit','closed','closed','','276-revision-v1','','','2017-02-06 15:54:14','2017-02-06 20:54:14','',276,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=277',0,'revision','',0),(280,2,'2017-06-29 21:22:37','2017-06-30 01:22:37','I haven\'t posted for awhile; things have been hectic, and I have had even less time than usual.  Much has occurred since my last post, and since said last post promised the date for the release of the final version of my novel without any follow-up, I feel I should begin with the news that Highway Hypnosis is available in both e-book and paperback formats.  Simply visit the <a href=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/novels.php\">Novels</a> page to get your copy.\r\n[caption id=\"attachment_229\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"350\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/art_covers_hwy.jpg\"><img src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/art_covers_hwy.jpg\" alt=\"cover art for Highway Hypnosis, a novel by Michael Vain\" width=\"350\" height=\"526\" class=\"size-full wp-image-229\" /></a> Highway Hypnosis - Cover<br />[/caption]\r\n\r\nSecond on my list of follow-up news concerns the artwork package for the aforementioned novel.  Although I had completed the artwork for the last in the series of illustrations for the novel, and transferred it to the canvas board, I have yet to actually begin applying paint.  This painting has been in my head for a year now, and the wait has been difficult for me creatively.  The reason for this is the same as that behind the fact that I have yet to add to my second novel in roughly the same amount of time.  My environment up to now has been difficult, and Michelle and I have been working hard to find a new residence.  This took a turn for the worse when the company I worked for in my \'real job\' played me along for eight months due to the usual personality conflicts that arise between myself and those intimidated by someone with my work ethic.  Long story short, I left to find a better job, albeit one that takes up a great deal of my week, and this, combined with looking for a new place to live, has kept us both extremely busy.  The upside is that we are scheduled to move soon, and this will provide enough space for all our creative endeavors, including studio space for our painted furniture, which is showcased on my other site, <a href=\"http://www.reincarnations.com\">Reincarnations - Painted Furniture and Other Artistic Creations</a>.  Once we are settled in, I will be able to complete the final painting, which will be made available to purchasers of the novel.  This may take some time, but I will continue to update the project as it progresses.\r\n\r\nAmong the many other upcoming projects in the pipeline is the redesign of the site.  I have already begun the process for my painted furniture site, as I continue to explore various facets of web design, and will be developing some sort of Wordpress theme around the current design, so stay tuned for some major changes.  Although things have been busy, I foresee an even busier second half of the year.  The results will be well worth the effort, and will do my best to post more often.\r\n\r\nIn the meantime, keep reading, and stay in the Light.\r\n\r\n~Namaste\r\n\r\n','News - June 2017','','publish','closed','closed','','news-june-2017','','','2017-06-29 21:22:37','2017-06-30 01:22:37','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=280',0,'post','',0),(281,2,'2017-06-29 21:22:37','2017-06-30 01:22:37','I haven\'t posted for awhile; things have been hectic, and I have had even less time than usual.  Much has occurred since my last post, and since said last post promised the date for the release of the final version of my novel without any follow-up, I feel I should begin with the news that Highway Hypnosis is available in both e-book and paperback formats.  Simply visit the <a href=\"http://www.michaelvain.net/novels.php\">Novels</a> page to get your copy.\r\n[caption id=\"attachment_229\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"350\"]<a href=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/art_covers_hwy.jpg\"><img src=\"http://michaelvain.net/news/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/art_covers_hwy.jpg\" alt=\"cover art for Highway Hypnosis, a novel by Michael Vain\" width=\"350\" height=\"526\" class=\"size-full wp-image-229\" /></a> Highway Hypnosis - Cover<br />[/caption]\r\n\r\nSecond on my list of follow-up news concerns the artwork package for the aforementioned novel.  Although I had completed the artwork for the last in the series of illustrations for the novel, and transferred it to the canvas board, I have yet to actually begin applying paint.  This painting has been in my head for a year now, and the wait has been difficult for me creatively.  The reason for this is the same as that behind the fact that I have yet to add to my second novel in roughly the same amount of time.  My environment up to now has been difficult, and Michelle and I have been working hard to find a new residence.  This took a turn for the worse when the company I worked for in my \'real job\' played me along for eight months due to the usual personality conflicts that arise between myself and those intimidated by someone with my work ethic.  Long story short, I left to find a better job, albeit one that takes up a great deal of my week, and this, combined with looking for a new place to live, has kept us both extremely busy.  The upside is that we are scheduled to move soon, and this will provide enough space for all our creative endeavors, including studio space for our painted furniture, which is showcased on my other site, <a href=\"http://www.reincarnations.com\">Reincarnations - Painted Furniture and Other Artistic Creations</a>.  Once we are settled in, I will be able to complete the final painting, which will be made available to purchasers of the novel.  This may take some time, but I will continue to update the project as it progresses.\r\n\r\nAmong the many other upcoming projects in the pipeline is the redesign of the site.  I have already begun the process for my painted furniture site, as I continue to explore various facets of web design, and will be developing some sort of Wordpress theme around the current design, so stay tuned for some major changes.  Although things have been busy, I foresee an even busier second half of the year.  The results will be well worth the effort, and will do my best to post more often.\r\n\r\nIn the meantime, keep reading, and stay in the Light.\r\n\r\n~Namaste\r\n\r\n','News - June 2017','','inherit','closed','closed','','280-revision-v1','','','2017-06-29 21:22:37','2017-06-30 01:22:37','',280,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=281',0,'revision','',0),(283,2,'2017-12-16 13:45:57','2017-12-16 18:45:57','As 2017 comes to a close, I have to say I won\'t miss it.  I had high hopes for this year, not the least of which would be that it was better than the previous one, but sadly, this fell short, despite everything that I did manage to accomplish.  It\'s been a hard year, both financially and emotionally, and the past 365 days have left their mark.\r\nAnyone following my writing, my blog, or other social media pages, will know that I haven\'t written anything new since publishing my first novel, Highway Hypnosis.  In the course of the last year, I switched jobs, going from a technician position to a manager of a retail store (not my particular skill set, as well as finding a new place to live and subsequent moving activity.  I\'ve been busy rebuilding my art website while this was going on, a slow process now that I spend over 60 hours a week in a soul-killing position, while also tending to family obligations.\r\nSome of these tasks I\'ve managed to accomplish with ease; some have been hard-won, and others are still to be determined.  The past year has been particularly hard on me emotionally, as events from past years have snowballed to yeti proportions, and I\'ve been doing my utmost to deal with those events with as much calm and dexterity as I can muster.  This has not been anywhere near as successful as I would have liked - my time away from actively pursuing my martial arts has eroded the careful discipline such continued practice brings, and this has caused me to fall below my own standards of behavior on more than one occasion (and with those, their own share of regret).\r\nSo, in short, not a particularly satisfying year.  Any occasion where I spend more time tearing down and moving, rather than building toward the present and the future, is wasted time, in my opinion, and I hate wasting time.\r\nI\'d like to say that I have hope for 2018, but were I to ask the Magic 8-Ball about the promise of the coming year, the results would likely be \"prospects do not look good\".  Why?  For one, I don\'t have time to write much these days, and have been fairly depressed on those few occasions where I did.  I have become pretty much what I despise in terms of my job, and am living in uncertain times when it comes to almost every aspect of my life.  I haven\'t marketed either my novella or my novel, and have no idea when I\'ll be able to start writing again.  I need to find a way to move closer to the life I\'ve wanted all these years, not farther away, and definitely do not need to tear down my life and start over yet again.  No, I have to make some fundamental changes for the better in the year to come, and have some persistent problems resolve themselves before I declare any hope for the days to come.  Universe - the ball is in your court.\r\n\r\nUntil next time -\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Saying Goodbye to 2017','','publish','closed','closed','','saying-goodbye-to-2017','','','2018-01-26 00:18:23','2018-01-26 05:18:23','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=283',0,'post','',0),(292,2,'2018-01-26 00:18:23','2018-01-26 05:18:23','As 2017 comes to a close, I have to say I won\'t miss it.  I had high hopes for this year, not the least of which would be that it was better than the previous one, but sadly, this fell short, despite everything that I did manage to accomplish.  It\'s been a hard year, both financially and emotionally, and the past 365 days have left their mark.\r\nAnyone following my writing, my blog, or other social media pages, will know that I haven\'t written anything new since publishing my first novel, Highway Hypnosis.  In the course of the last year, I switched jobs, going from a technician position to a manager of a retail store (not my particular skill set, as well as finding a new place to live and subsequent moving activity.  I\'ve been busy rebuilding my art website while this was going on, a slow process now that I spend over 60 hours a week in a soul-killing position, while also tending to family obligations.\r\nSome of these tasks I\'ve managed to accomplish with ease; some have been hard-won, and others are still to be determined.  The past year has been particularly hard on me emotionally, as events from past years have snowballed to yeti proportions, and I\'ve been doing my utmost to deal with those events with as much calm and dexterity as I can muster.  This has not been anywhere near as successful as I would have liked - my time away from actively pursuing my martial arts has eroded the careful discipline such continued practice brings, and this has caused me to fall below my own standards of behavior on more than one occasion (and with those, their own share of regret).\r\nSo, in short, not a particularly satisfying year.  Any occasion where I spend more time tearing down and moving, rather than building toward the present and the future, is wasted time, in my opinion, and I hate wasting time.\r\nI\'d like to say that I have hope for 2018, but were I to ask the Magic 8-Ball about the promise of the coming year, the results would likely be \"prospects do not look good\".  Why?  For one, I don\'t have time to write much these days, and have been fairly depressed on those few occasions where I did.  I have become pretty much what I despise in terms of my job, and am living in uncertain times when it comes to almost every aspect of my life.  I haven\'t marketed either my novella or my novel, and have no idea when I\'ll be able to start writing again.  I need to find a way to move closer to the life I\'ve wanted all these years, not farther away, and definitely do not need to tear down my life and start over yet again.  No, I have to make some fundamental changes for the better in the year to come, and have some persistent problems resolve themselves before I declare any hope for the days to come.  Universe - the ball is in your court.\r\n\r\nUntil next time -\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Saying Goodbye to 2017','','inherit','closed','closed','','283-revision-v1','','','2018-01-26 00:18:23','2018-01-26 05:18:23','',283,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=292',0,'revision','',0),(284,2,'2017-12-16 13:45:57','2017-12-16 18:45:57','As 2017 comes to a close, I have to say I won\'t miss it.  I had high hopes for this year, not the least of which would be that it was better than the previous one, but sadly, this fell short, despite everything that I did manage to accomplish.  It\'s been a hard year, both financially and emotionally, and the past 365 days have left their mark.\r\nAnyone following my writing, my blog, or other social media pages, will know that I haven\'t written anything new since publishing my first novel, Highway Hypnosis.  In the course of the last year, I switched jobs, going from a technician position to a manager of a retail store (not my particular skill set, but necessary to keep food on the table and a roof over my head), had to deal with my step-father becoming verbally abusive to my three year old daughter (which would have resulted in a severe ass-kicking had it been anyone else or under any other circumstances), and found a new place to live and subsequent moving activity.  I\'ve been busy rebuilding my art website while this was going on, a slow process now that I spend over 60 hours a week in a soul-killing position, spending as much time as I can with my lovely daughter, Savannah, and attempting to keep my marriage alive.\r\nSome of these tasks I\'ve managed to accomplish with ease; some have been hard-won, and others are still to be determined.  The past year has been particularly hard on me emotionally, as events from past years have snowballed to yeti proportions, and I\'ve been doing my utmost to deal with those events with as much calm and dexterity as I can muster.  This has not been anywhere near as successful as I would have liked - my time away from actively pursuing my martial arts has eroded the careful discipline such continued practice brings, and this has caused me to fall below my own standards of behavior on more than one occasion (and with those, their own share of regret).\r\nSo, in short, not a particularly satisfying year.  Any occasion where I spend more time tearing down and moving, rather than building toward the present and the future, is wasted time, in my opinion, and I hate wasting time.\r\nI\'d like to say that I have hope for 2018, but were I to ask the Magic 8-Ball about the promise of the coming year, the results would likely be \"prospects do not look good\".  Why?  For one, I don\'t have time to write much these days, and have been fairly depressed on those few occasions where I did.  I have become pretty much what I despise in terms of my job, and am living in uncertain times when it comes to almost every aspect of my life.  I haven\'t marketed either my novella or my novel, and have no idea when I\'ll be able to start writing again.  I need to find a way to move closer to the life I\'ve wanted all these years, not farther away, and definitely do not need to tear down my life and start over yet again.  No, I have to make some fundamental changes for the better in the year to come, and have some persistant problems resolve themselves before I declare any hope for the days to come.  Universe - the ball is in your court.\r\n\r\nUntil next time -\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Saying Goodbye to 2017','','inherit','closed','closed','','283-revision-v1','','','2017-12-16 13:45:57','2017-12-16 18:45:57','',283,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=284',0,'revision','',0),(285,2,'2017-12-18 16:06:59','0000-00-00 00:00:00','What does it mean when a person says \"I\'m a martial artist\"?  \r\nDoes it mean \"I\'m a badass\"?  Does it mean \"I\'m a better person than you\"?\r\nOf course not.\r\nRecently, I posted a meme on my Facebook page that featured a quote by Gitchin Funikoshi.  Now, while I may not exactly be a fan of Funikoshi, I believe that the quote summed up up what a martial artist is - a person who uses the discipline he gains from practicing the art to become a person who is better than they were the day before.','What it Means to be a Martial Artist','','draft','closed','closed','','','','','2017-12-18 16:06:59','2017-12-18 21:06:59','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=285',0,'post','',0),(286,2,'2017-12-18 16:06:59','2017-12-18 21:06:59','What does it mean when a person says \"I\'m a martial artist\"?  \r\nDoes it mean \"I\'m a badass\"?  Does it mean \"I\'m a better person than you\"?\r\nOf course not.\r\nRecently, I posted a meme on my Facebook page that featured a quote by Gitchin Funikoshi.  Now, while I may not exactly be a fan of Funikoshi, I believe that the quote summed up up what a martial artist is - a person who uses the discipline he gains from practicing the art to become a person who is better than they were the day before.','What it Means to be a Martial Artist','','inherit','closed','closed','','285-revision-v1','','','2017-12-18 16:06:59','2017-12-18 21:06:59','',285,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=286',0,'revision','',0),(288,2,'2018-01-17 18:10:10','2018-01-17 23:10:10','Truth stands alone, people, and in the coming months, there will be a great amount of it coming out - and it will all be posted here, as well as every site that I own and/or have a membership.  \r\nSome things just need to be known.\r\nSo yes, keep tuning in - out of curiosity, if nothing else.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Truth','','publish','closed','closed','','truth','','','2018-01-17 18:10:10','2018-01-17 23:10:10','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=288',0,'post','',0),(289,2,'2018-01-17 18:10:10','2018-01-17 23:10:10','Truth stands alone, people, and in the coming months, there will be a great amount of it coming out - and it will all be posted here, as well as every site that I own and/or have a membership.  \r\nSome things just need to be known.\r\nSo yes, keep tuning in - out of curiosity, if nothing else.\r\n\r\n~Namaste','Truth','','inherit','closed','closed','','288-revision-v1','','','2018-01-17 18:10:10','2018-01-17 23:10:10','',288,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=289',0,'revision','',0),(291,2,'2018-01-26 00:18:14','2018-01-26 05:18:14','As 2017 comes to a close, I have to say I won\'t miss it.  I had high hopes for this year, not the least of which would be that it was better than the previous one, but sadly, this fell short, despite everything that I did manage to accomplish.  It\'s been a hard year, both financially and emotionally, and the past 365 days have left their mark.\nAnyone following my writing, my blog, or other social media pages, will know that I haven\'t written anything new since publishing my first novel, Highway Hypnosis.  In the course of the last year, I switched jobs, going from a technician position to a manager of a retail store (not my particular skill set, as well as finding a new place to live and subsequent moving activity.  I\'ve been busy rebuilding my art website while this was going on, a slow process now that I spend over 60 hours a week in a soul-killing position, while also tending to family obligations.\nSome of these tasks I\'ve managed to accomplish with ease; some have been hard-won, and others are still to be determined.  The past year has been particularly hard on me emotionally, as events from past years have snowballed to yeti proportions, and I\'ve been doing my utmost to deal with those events with as much calm and dexterity as I can muster.  This has not been anywhere near as successful as I would have liked - my time away from actively pursuing my martial arts has eroded the careful discipline such continued practice brings, and this has caused me to fall below my own standards of behavior on more than one occasion (and with those, their own share of regret).\nSo, in short, not a particularly satisfying year.  Any occasion where I spend more time tearing down and moving, rather than building toward the present and the future, is wasted time, in my opinion, and I hate wasting time.\nI\'d like to say that I have hope for 2018, but were I to ask the Magic 8-Ball about the promise of the coming year, the results would likely be \"prospects do not look good\".  Why?  For one, I don\'t have time to write much these days, and have been fairly depressed on those few occasions where I did.  I have become pretty much what I despise in terms of my job, and am living in uncertain times when it comes to almost every aspect of my life.  I haven\'t marketed either my novella or my novel, and have no idea when I\'ll be able to start writing again.  I need to find a way to move closer to the life I\'ve wanted all these years, not farther away, and definitely do not need to tear down my life and start over yet again.  No, I have to make some fundamental changes for the better in the year to come, and have some persistent problems resolve themselves before I declare any hope for the days to come.  Universe - the ball is in your court.\n\nUntil next time -\n\n~Namaste','Saying Goodbye to 2017','','inherit','closed','closed','','283-autosave-v1','','','2018-01-26 00:18:14','2018-01-26 05:18:14','',283,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=291',0,'revision','',0),(293,2,'2018-01-30 00:05:02','2018-01-30 05:05:02','sometimes this little soul just wants to break free\r\nof all the chains encompassing me\r\nsometimes it just wants to dance and to sing\r\nat the dawn of a day and the chances it brings\r\n\r\nother times it wants to run and hide away\r\nfrom the same old thing, just another day\r\nno revelations, just more of the same\r\na toss of the dice, in a boring game\r\n\r\nsometimes this little heart just wants to know love,\r\na warmth of emotion that fits like a glove,\r\nsometimes it just wants to feel that need, \r\nto find a way to heal, and not to bleed\r\n\r\nAt times this life is less than it seems\r\nor perhaps I just live beyond my means\r\nbut I keep going on even despite those things\r\ndespite all the pain and lonliness it brings\r\n\r\nFor all those times and more times to come\r\nthey\'re all we have, until all is done\r\nI\'ll reflect on those times, both good and bad,\r\nas being all there was, those times we had\r\n\r\nAt times I\'ll stop and Ill shed some tears\r\nat all the memories of those far ago years\r\nI\'ll savor those times, the many and the few,\r\nall those moments I got to spend with you\r\n\r\nJust a little something I came up with on the ride home.  Sometimes ideas come from out of nowhere, when you least suspect it.','Sometimes','','publish','closed','closed','','sometimes','','','2018-01-30 00:05:02','2018-01-30 05:05:02','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=293',0,'post','',0),(294,2,'2018-01-30 00:05:02','2018-01-30 05:05:02','sometimes this little soul just wants to break free\r\nof all the chains encompassing me\r\nsometimes it just wants to dance and to sing\r\nat the dawn of a day and the chances it brings\r\n\r\nother times it wants to run and hide away\r\nfrom the same old thing, just another day\r\nno revelations, just more of the same\r\na toss of the dice, in a boring game\r\n\r\nsometimes this little heart just wants to know love,\r\na warmth of emotion that fits like a glove,\r\nsometimes it just wants to feel that need, \r\nto find a way to heal, and not to bleed\r\n\r\nAt times this life is less than it seems\r\nor perhaps I just live beyond my means\r\nbut I keep going on even despite those things\r\ndespite all the pain and lonliness it brings\r\n\r\nFor all those times and more times to come\r\nthey\'re all we have, until all is done\r\nI\'ll reflect on those times, both good and bad,\r\nas being all there was, those times we had\r\n\r\nAt times I\'ll stop and Ill shed some tears\r\nat all the memories of those far ago years\r\nI\'ll savor those times, the many and the few,\r\nall those moments I got to spend with you\r\n\r\nJust a little something I came up with on the ride home.  Sometimes ideas come from out of nowhere, when you least suspect it.','Sometimes','','inherit','closed','closed','','293-revision-v1','','','2018-01-30 00:05:02','2018-01-30 05:05:02','',293,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=294',0,'revision','',0),(297,2,'2018-02-27 01:56:28','2018-02-27 06:56:28','...a person challenges what you know or believe, either in others or yourself.  Hopefully, this challenge elevates those opinions, or what we think we know.  Appreciate those people, for they will allow you to evolve you in ways you never expect.  For those that do it for their own agendas or purposes, may they rot in hell, for they are less than anything.','Every So Often...','','private','closed','closed','','every-so-often','','','2018-04-12 11:55:10','2018-04-12 15:55:10','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=297',0,'post','',0),(298,2,'2018-02-27 01:56:28','2018-02-27 06:56:28','...a person challenges what you know or believe, either in others or yourself.  Hopefully, this challenge elevates those opinions, or what we think we know.  Appreciate those people, for they will allow you to evolve you in ways you never expect.  For those that do it for their own agendas or purposes, may they rot in hell, for they are less than anything.','Every So Often...','','inherit','closed','closed','','297-revision-v1','','','2018-02-27 01:56:28','2018-02-27 06:56:28','',297,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=298',0,'revision','',0),(301,2,'2018-04-07 08:14:19','2018-04-07 12:14:19','I don\'t expect a reply to this - I\'m writing it to both ease my grief, and to say all those things I have needed to say for so long - nor do I especially want one. I want what I\'ve always wanted - my family, plain and simple.  I\'ll never want anything else, and never have.\r\nI know we sometimes feel the need to justify our actions, lest the guilt haunt us.  That must be especially true for you, considering what has gone down over these years.  It\'s not an accusation - it is just that I cannot for the life of me see any other explanation for everything I have been put through.\r\nBut let\'s address some things first...\r\nFirstly, there is no \'dark passenger\' in me.  There never was - there was only the gulf of sadness, fear, and despair that was caused by my deepest, darkest fear becoming a reality, a reality that took a LOT of effort - more effort than was ever put into the positive aspects of our relationship.  I was very specific and honest to a fault during our courtship, and I still am.  I am still that person, and deep down, I think the person that I met still lives in you...a beautiful creature of light and love that doesn\'t want to hurt anyone.  You like to say how you are attracted to happiness - I was happy too - happier than I had ever been in my life, to have you come into it.  But having to carry almost all the relationship, and everything that comes with it, is enough to drain just about anyone.  Relationships take working together, in both big and little ways.  It takes compromise and sacrifice at times for the greater good of the family.  I was promised all sorts of things, reassured on so many levels, and then none of it came to pass.  I became worried, and sad more than anything else.  Worried that you would never see me as worthy, despite all the effort and time and love I put out..and it seems now that the worry was justified.  You have downplayed my pain, my ptsd, and even criticized me for it - yet I don\'t think you understand how much I hurt at times, especially the first five years of us being together.  It\'s been getting better these last two years, but I still have the occasional problem, and back then, it was much worse, and much more frequent.  I worked on correcting that, and every other thing you brought up that you didn\'t like (everything within my control, anyway).  I could have been much a much happier man if you had just allowed me to heal - I would just begin to trust you again when it would happen again, and the wound would be reopened, and made deeper.  So, how could I have been the happy guy you wanted if you were hurting me?  I don\'t think that\'s fair.  In fact, it isn\'t fair.  Period.  You and Savannah are the best things in my life, and if you had/would/could given me that time, you would have seen it for yourself.  All I\'ve ever wanted is to be the one that makes you and my daughter happy.  I love seeing you smile because I got you something, or did something, or said something that pleased you.  I fucking lived for that, out of both of you.  Nothing else compares to that feeling...except being in your arms.  It made me feel good to be able to run out at 11pm to wal-mart to get you some little thing that would make your day a little better.  Now, it\'s just one more thing I miss in my life.\r\nI don\'t really think you see me as being some dark sort of being - I think it\'s a handy excuse to make your choices seem like the correct ones, and you have told yourself that for so long you may even believe it, but it\'s just not true.  I\'m a passionate, deeply loving, empathetic man who cares more about the people I love than I do about myself.  It\'s just who I am.\r\nSecondly, I look over your texts and what you have said to me at different times, and I wonder if you realize just how cold and cruel it is to say to someone \'I wanted you, I got you - it wasn\'t that hard...\"  You have flipped back and forth from one extreme to the other - one day you are making me the cutest \'I miss you and love you\' video EVER, and the next, I\'m being told I\"m too old - from someone who cut people out of her life if they couldn\'t accept our age difference.\r\nIt just doesn\'t add up.\r\nIt\'s those things that drove me to despair, to extremes of emotional pain that I would never inflict on anyone.  So, it really isn\'t all my fault that I seemed moody and sad so much.  It was this back and forth, from the bright, beautiful, shining goddess that I love, to the cold and calculating woman that seems to have no emotion toward me, that made me suggest going to see a doctor, and possibly a psychologist.  I wasn\'t trying to insult you, I was trying to help you.  Kali had similar episodes emotionally - and also refused to get checked out until years later.  Turns out she had a severe thyroid condition for years, and it exacerbated her mood swings.  If she had been checked out sooner, perhaps she would still be alive.  No, I never meant that as an insult - I just wanted to make sure you were okay, because I love you.\r\nSorry - despite all the effort to make me stop, I just can\'t.  I know it has scared you.  Life can be scary, let\'s face it.  It can be rough.  It can be challenging - and those times can sometimes seem like they are never going to end.  But the last thing anyone needs is to make things worse.  We were so close to getting out of the financial hole we were in.  We had a nice little house.  Savannah loved her room (do you remember how she ran in there again when we took her there?)  Why ruin that?  Why throw away what we had?  Things were actually getting better - did it bother you that I was getting close to being stable?  That I might actually be able to make some of my dreams come true?\r\nYou like to say you were \'afraid\' of me.  The simple fact is, I\'m calmer than a great deal of people out there.  I\'ve been calm through you trashing my truck, through all the lies you\'ve told to me and others, to numerous cases of infidelity.  I\'ve walked away once, and told you to leave once.  Both times you cried and pleaded to me - told me you were sorry and begged forgiveness.  And what did I do?  We both know the answer to that - I would forgive you and try to move forward.\r\nDo I get the same regard?  No.  I\'m painted as some wife-abuser, you paint yourself as a victim, and then want me to feel sorry and be guilty for the feelings that were caused by your behavior in the first place.  All I wanted that night was to fucking hold my wife as I went to sleep.  I was under an amazing amount of stress, and after I thought we had reached a better place, and after rubbing your back for 3 hours, I thought I could at least get some comfort from the woman I love - and was pushed away.  You don\'t seem to have any concept of just how much pain you have caused - and all with just mere words.  I\'m sorry, but the whole \'I\'m scared of you\' thing is just crap.  Yeah, I get loud  - after being pushed into a corner by frustration and extremes of despair - and then I usually do something stupid - kick a dresser, smack an armrest - and then I go, \'oh, that was stupid\' and move on.  Hell, even Kali told you that back when we were still chatting online.  Remember?  I do.  You can\'t torment a dog and then expect it not to bite when it has taken too much...and me smacking a wall and raising my voice is the limit of how far I\'ve ever gone or ever would - and I don\'t want to feel that way ever again.\r\nI will never go that far.  I never have, and I never will hit you.  You\'ve pushed me, said terrible things that have crushed my spirit, jumped on my back and caused a slipped disc, and I\'ve never retaliated.  I get mad - I say shit, and I fucking hate it, because I should never even feel that upset from someone I love, but that\'s as far as I will ever go, and deep inside, you know that.\r\nI want to raise our daughter like we said when we made her.  I still do.  The week before this happened, you said we should renew our vows, and asked why I wanted another baby - I told you I wanted to make enough money where you could stay home with the kids if you wanted, and explore any option you wanted to make you happy, as long as we did it together.  Do you think that has changed?\r\nNo.  Sorry if it disappoints you, but nothing has changed in me - I want my wife. I want my family.  \r\nYou say you don\'t want to be afraid...how afraid do you think I was?  I don\'t want to live in fear either.  I don\'t want to be afraid that my wife is lying to me, that she is cheating on me...again.  I don\'t want to be afraid that she is demonizing me to other people, in person or online, while looking for someone to replace me.  I have had to live with that fear every day, and it stinks.  It is horrible to see some guy telling you \'I hate how he treats you...\" like I fucking beat you all the time.  Gee, Britt, what did you hate?  The two or three screaming squirting orgasms she was having every night? The fact that I would touch and rub her for hours every day?  Reverse psychology much?  Do you know how much it hurts to have someone say \'I wasn\'t grooming him, we talked about it and found we are incompatible...\"  Seriously?  What the fuck were you even having that conversation for in the first place if you weren\'t exploring options?  I\'ve remained calm through many episodes that would have sent other men into a rage, and we both know it.  I\'m not some demon, some monster who looks to control or hurt you.  I just want my wife and family, the life I was promised back when we met...nothing more.  Yes, I was twenty once too...and by that age I was raising two girls on my own.  I remained committed through my promises to them, and took care of their mother through all kinds of shit even at that young age.\r\nIt\'s obvious that you put me through a lot of pain, and it seems to me that you did it so you could then justify what you had done, and were doing.  This is wrong, period.  All I\'ve ever tried to do is make you happy, but wanted some common sense things in return, some sort of effort to help with those little things that life requires - like taking up some of the slack when you work half the hours that I do.  Yes, I felt a natural level of disappointment when I had to carry most of the weight - both in energy and emotion and financially.  If you had put a little more dedication into things, you would have seen an altogether different person with you.\r\nThere never was and never will be any reason to hide, or run away, from me.  I\'m sure I look the part when I finally do get aggravated. I get loud, I scowl, I make horrible faces.  And that\'s it.  Period.  Yeah, if I am pushed hard enough and long enough, I may smack a wall, or an armrest.  It takes a LOT to get me there, and to me, even that\'s over the line.  It has always ended with that - either I\'ll hurt my toes or hand, or something will happen like the television falling over to make me realize I\'ve gone too far, and then I\'ll tell myself how stupid I\"m being and it\'s over.  Truth be told, it should never even get that far - I deserve a partner and wife who listens to me and wants to please me as much (or at least in the same zip code) as I want to please them.  At that point, there is no anger, no reason for fear or disappointment out of either of us.  This is just common sense.  It is truth.\r\nWhen we met, I told you the truth- about everything - and I still am.  I am not perfect.  But I do love you, steadfastly and without end.  You will be the last woman in my life, whether or not we ever reconcile.  Period. I would do anything to have us back together.  I don\'t care about anyone\'s opinion on that either.  It may make me look like a fool.  It may make me appear weak and pussy-whipped.  I don\'t give a crap.  My heart knows what it wants, and it wants my wife and daughter by my side.  If I can\'t have that, I\'m sure as hell not going to settle for second best.  Ever.  \r\nI\'m sorry for whatever I said that night.  I was upset, disappointed, and scared of losing everything - again - just as things were poised to get better.  People say shit when they are at that point that they don\'t mean, and I\'m no exception.  Like I said, I\'m not perfect.  But I want to be better.  I want to be the man that attracted you to the point where you wanted to marry me...to have children with me.  I want you to be able to let go of all your doubts and whatever led you to believe you actually had something to be afraid of - if that is even the case.  If you ever were truly afraid of me, then I apologize.  I just don\'t want to be hurt - not by the one person on this earth that has captured my heart like you have.  And it\'s not just your age - I wish like hell we were closer in years, but I can\'t change that.  I love you for your spirit, for how you seem to be my missing half, and how I seemed to be yours.\r\nYou once made me promise to stay with you.  Do you remember?  You said, \"I want you to promise to stay with me.  I\'m going to go through different stages and changes, and during some of them, I may not like you that much.\"  I promised I would, and I knew inside exactly what I was signing on for - yet I promised, and I have never backed down on that promise.  There\'s been times where I haven\'t liked you much either - those times where you are chatting with other men, cheating on me, lying to me about whatever - but I\'ve never stopped loving you, and I\'ve never given up on you, even when I told you to go.\r\nI just want to have back the level of loyalty and love that I give out.  I\'m not perfect, but I am a man who would do so much to keep you happy.  I have supported every creative notion and whim you ever had...have tried to be supportive in anything that didn\'t involve losing you to another man.  I fucking adore and worship you - yes I do get frustrated and upset when you go so far out of your way to hurt me - but it doesn\'t change the fact of how I feel, how I will always feel.\r\nI told you before that I was willing to forgive you...for everything.  I still am.  I wanted us to renew our vows on the beach of the Caribbean...it was to serve as a start-over, where we forgive each other, wipe our slates clean, and start over with each other.  I wanted to give Savannah a brother or sister, and give you a life filled with love and creativity.  You know as well as I do that age doesn\'t matter.  You could find a guy your age and he could get cancer or hit by a truck at any time.  It\'s the love that matters and the time spent loving one another that counts.  I\"m still praying for such a thing, as silly or impossible as that may be.  You will always be My Dragonfly in my heart.  It\'s why I got that tattoo, and why I\'ll always keep it.  \r\nI realize that there is little to no chance anything I say will matter.  I base that on the fact that my feelings have never seemed to matter in the past (you\'ve even said as much to my face). I\'ve always been the guy that you could rely on while you searched for something better.  Still, for some inexplicable reason, I hold out hope.  I hope that deep inside, that part of you that made you come back before still knows the truth (\'there is something about you...no matter what has happened, I\'ve always come back..\")  I hold onto hope when there is no rational reason to, because love isn\'t always rational.  It\'s primal and instinctive, and I know in the pit of my soul that there is no one that could ever stir my heart like you.  If there is any part of you that still loves me, it\'s that part that I hope is reading this.  I promise I will always be the best I can be, if you can promise the same.  I hope that you realize that happiness is internal, and that maybe if you gave out a little more affection and attention to your husband (and I still am your husband, by the way), that it would be reflected back to you in even greater magnitude.  I take my vows seriously, and all it would take to have me be the happy person I was when you met me is for me to know I wasn\'t going to be lied to or cheated on again, that I wouldn\'t be needlessly criticized or provoked in order to justify whatever negative feelings you had about me.  Those parts of my personality you don\'t like exist in everyone - and they will come out under the right circumstances.\r\nIf you could find that part of you, if you could free yourself of doubt and fear, then I believe you could be happy with me.  I want to go on adventures with you.  I want to raise our daughter together.  I want to rub your back at night and build puzzles with you and watch and participate in creative projects together.  I want to have a home and a fire pit and take you both to the beach.  I want the rest of my life to be as free of drama and stress as possible - I want it to be awesome, and filled with love.  I want to give you incredible orgasms and watch sunsets with you.  I want to pass from this earth knowing someone will miss me, and that they loved me while I was here, not die in regret of what could have been and never was.  I want this despite all that has happened, despite the fact that the woman I love has basically cheated on me since two weeks after saying they would be my girlfriend, despite all the emails and texts I have that you sent other men, despite all the many lies that have been told both to and about me. None of it matters - what matters is what comes next. \r\nThe choice comes down to you.  It always has.  If you can be mature enough to know how much you contribute and cause the events that have transpired, if you can accept that you can\'t torment someone emotionally and then blame them for their reaction to that torment, and more importantly, put that crap to rest, then so can I. If you can accept that the \'honeymoon feeling\' is infatuation, and not love - that love is deeper, and in reality involves faith and sacrifice and dedication to one another - if you could look into your own abyss like I have, and stop making excuses about why we shouldn\'t be together - then maybe you could become as happy as you have said you wanted to be.  For that to happen, however, all the crap and the drama and the lies and the cheating have to end, forever.  All the excuses have to seen as what they are, and life needs to be embraced as something to be shared together.\r\nYou have a man who has sacrificed everything on more than one occasion to be with you.  I don\'t see any of those other boys lining up to do that.  That is the difference between love and want, between love and wanting a piece of ass.  I want to be able to love you without fear, and without doubt.  Plain and simple.  I want to be free of that so I can be the man I really am inside, and become happy by doing so.  You have a man that has put up with an amazing amount of shit, and has never given up.  You should appreciate that, not look for reasons to hurt them further. \r\nLike I said, I don\'t expect anything from this.  I am saying what I feel inside.  But, if in the quiet moments, in the moments where our daughter is wondering where her Daddy is (and she does), where she is playing and happy and you feel a bit of nostalgia, if you have ever wondered if maybe you were making a mistake, or missing my touch in the slightest, then maybe you need to listen to that part of your heart.  It may have some things to say that may surprise you.  You may not want to hear it sometimes, but I know it\'s there.  Is the life you have now what you really want?  Is it what you want for Savannah? To deal with another ex?  Or would you rather admit to yourself, the way I\'ve been made to, that you may have made a few wrong calls, that maybe your happiness is something you can achieve with the man that actually loves you, and put some effort into finding that happiness with him.  \r\nThere may be more thoughts in the future, but this says how I feel.  Yes, despite all the awful things you have said to me, and about me, I still love you.  I still want a life with us as a family, together. I wanted you to know.  \r\n\r\n~Your Michael ','An Open Letter','','private','closed','closed','','an-open-letter','','','2018-04-17 22:07:50','2018-04-18 02:07:50','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=301',0,'post','',0),(302,2,'2018-03-30 07:16:47','2018-03-30 11:16:47','I don\'t expect a reply to this - I\'m writing it to both ease my grief, and to say all those things I have needed to say for so long - nor do I especially want one. I want what I\'ve always wanted - my family, plain and simple.  I\'ll never want anything else, and never have.\r\nI know we sometimes feel the need to justify our actions, lest the guilt haunt us.  That must be especially true for you, considering what has gone down over these years.  It\'s not an accusation - it is just that I cannot for the life of me see any other explanation for everything I have been put through.\r\nBut let\'s address some things first...\r\nFirstly, there is no \'dark passenger\' in me.  There never was - there was only the gulf of sadness, fear, and despair that was caused by my deepest, darkest fear becoming a reality, a reality that took a LOT of effort - more effort than was ever put into the positive aspects of our relationship.  I was very specific and honest to a fault during our courtship, and I still am.  I am still that person, and deep down, I think the person that I met still lives in you.\r\n','An Open Letter','','inherit','closed','closed','','301-revision-v1','','','2018-03-30 07:16:47','2018-03-30 11:16:47','',301,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=302',0,'revision','',0),(303,2,'2018-03-31 16:06:06','2018-03-31 20:06:06','I don\'t expect a reply to this - I\'m writing it to both ease my grief, and to say all those things I have needed to say for so long - nor do I especially want one. I want what I\'ve always wanted - my family, plain and simple.  I\'ll never want anything else, and never have.\r\nI know we sometimes feel the need to justify our actions, lest the guilt haunt us.  That must be especially true for you, considering what has gone down over these years.  It\'s not an accusation - it is just that I cannot for the life of me see any other explanation for everything I have been put through.\r\nBut let\'s address some things first...\r\nFirstly, there is no \'dark passenger\' in me.  There never was - there was only the gulf of sadness, fear, and despair that was caused by my deepest, darkest fear becoming a reality, a reality that took a LOT of effort - more effort than was ever put into the positive aspects of our relationship.  I was very specific and honest to a fault during our courtship, and I still am.  I am still that person, and deep down, I think the person that I met still lives in you...a beautiful creature of light and love that doesn\'t want to hurt anyone.  You like to say how you are attracted to happiness - I was happy too - happier than I had ever been in my life, to have you come into it.  But having to carry almost all the relationship, and everything that comes with it, is enough to drain just about anyone.  Relationships take working together, in both big and little ways.  It takes compromise and sacrifice at times for the greater good of the family.  I was promised all sorts of things, reassured on so many levels, and then none of it came to pass.  I became worried, and sad more than anything else.  Worried that you would never see me as worthy, despite all the effort and time and love I put out..and it seems now that the worry was justified.  You have downplayed my pain, my ptsd, and even criticized me for it - yet I don\'t think you understand how much I hurt at times, especially the first five years of us being together.  It\'s been getting better these last two years, but I still have the occasional problem, and back then, it was much worse, and much more frequent.  I worked on correcting that, and every other thing you brought up that you didn\'t like (everything within my control, anyway).  I could have been much a much happier man if you had just allowed me to heal - I would just begin to trust you again when it would happen again, and the wound would be reopened, and made deeper.  So, how could I have been the happy guy you wanted if you were hurting me?  I don\'t think that\'s fair.  In fact, it isn\'t fair.  Period.  You and Savannah are the best things in my life, and if you had/would/could given me that time, you would have seen it for yourself.  All I\'ve ever wanted is to be the one that makes you and my daughter happy.  I love seeing you smile because I got you something, or did something, or said something that pleased you.  I fucking lived for that, out of both of you.  Nothing else compares to that feeling...except being in your arms.  It made me feel good to be able to run out at 11pm to wal-mart to get you some little thing that would make your day a little better.  Now, it\'s just one more thing I miss in my life.\r\nI don\'t really think you see me as being some dark sort of being - I think it\'s a handy excuse to make your choices seem like the correct ones, and you have told yourself that for so long you may even believe it, but it\'s just not true.  I\'m a passionate, deeply loving, empathetic man who cares more about the people I love than I do about myself.  It\'s just who I am.\r\nSecondly, I look over your texts and what you have said to me at different times, and I wonder if you realize just how cold and cruel it is to say to someone \'I wanted you, I got you - it wasn\'t that hard...\"  You have flipped back and forth from one extreme to the other - one day you are making me the cutest \'I miss you and love you\' video EVER, and the next, I\'m being told I\"m too old - from someone who cut people out of her life if they couldn\'t accept our age difference.\r\nIt just doesn\'t add up.\r\nIt\'s those things that drove me to despair, to extremes of emotional pain that I would never inflict on anyone.  So, it really isn\'t all my fault that I seemed moody and sad so much.  It was this back and forth, from the bright, beautiful, shining goddess that I love, to the cold and calculating woman that seems to have no emotion toward me, that made me suggest going to see a doctor, and possibly a psychologist.  I wasn\'t trying to insult you, I was trying to help you.  Kali had similar episodes emotionally - and also refused to get checked out until years later.  Turns out she had a severe thyroid condition for years, and it exacerbated her mood swings.  If she had been checked out sooner, perhaps she would still be alive.  No, I never meant that as an insult - I just wanted to make sure you were okay, because I love you.\r\nSorry - despite all the effort to make me stop, I just can\'t.  I know it has scared you.  Life can be scary, let\'s face it.  It can be rough.  It can be challenging - and those times can sometimes seem like they are never going to end.  But the last thing anyone needs is to make things worse.  We were so close to getting out of the financial hole we were in.  We had a nice little house.  Savannah loved her room (do you remember how she ran in there again when we took her there?)  Why ruin that?  Why throw away what we had?  Things were actually getting better - did it bother you that I was getting close to being stable?  That I might actually be able to make some of my dreams come true?\r\nYou like to say you were \'afraid\' of me.  The simple fact is, I\'m calmer than a great deal of people out there.  I\'ve been calm through you trashing my truck, through all the lies you\'ve told to me and others, to numerous cases of infidelity.  I\'ve walked away once, and told you to leave once.  Both times you cried and pleaded to me - told me you were sorry and begged forgiveness.  And what did I do?  We both know the answer to that - I would forgive you and try to move forward.\r\nDo I get the same regard?  No.  I\'m painted as some wife-abuser, you paint yourself as a victim, and then want me to feel sorry and be guilty for the feelings that were caused by your behavior in the first place.  All I wanted that night was to fucking hold my wife as I went to sleep.  I was under an amazing amount of stress, and after I thought we had reached a better place, and after rubbing your back for 3 hours, I thought I could at least get some comfort from the woman I love - and was pushed away.  You don\'t seem to have any concept of just how much pain you have caused - and all with just mere words.  I\'m sorry, but the whole \'I\'m scared of you\' thing is just crap.  Yeah, I get loud  - after being pushed into a corner by frustration and extremes of despair - and then I usually do something stupid - kick a dresser, smack an armrest - and then I go, \'oh, that was stupid\' and move on.  Hell, even Kali told you that back when we were still chatting online.  Remember?  I do.  You can\'t torment a dog and then expect it not to bite when it has taken too much...and me smacking a wall and raising my voice is the limit of how far I\'ve ever gone or ever would - and I don\'t want to feel that way ever again.\r\nI will never go that far.  I never have, and I never will hit you.  You\'ve pushed me, said terrible things that have crushed my spirit, jumped on my back and caused a slipped disc, and I\'ve never retaliated.  I get mad - I say shit, and I fucking hate it, because I should never even feel that upset from someone I love, but that\'s as far as I will ever go, and deep inside, you know that.\r\nI want to raise our daughter like we said when we made her.  I still do.  The week before this happened, you said we should renew our vows, and asked why I wanted another baby - I told you I wanted to make enough money where you could stay home with the kids if you wanted, and explore any option you wanted to make you happy, as long as we did it together.  Do you think that has changed?\r\nNo.  Sorry if it disappoints you, but nothing has changed in me - I want my wife. I want my family.  \r\nYou say you don\'t want to be afraid...how afraid do you think I was?  I don\'t want to live in fear either.  I don\'t want to be afraid that my wife is lying to me, that she is cheating on me...again.  I don\'t want to be afraid that she is demonizing me to other people, in person or online, while looking for someone to replace me.  I have had to live with that fear every day, and it stinks.  It is horrible to see some guy telling you \'I hate how he treats you...\" like I fucking beat you all the time.  Gee, Britt, what did you hate?  The two or three screaming squirting orgasms she was having every night? The fact that I would touch and rub her for hours every day?  Reverse psychology much?  Do you know how much it hurts to have someone say \'I wasn\'t grooming him, we talked about it and found we are incompatible...\"  Seriously?  What the fuck were you even having that conversation for in the first place if you weren\'t exploring options?  I\'ve remained calm through many episodes that would have sent other men into a rage, and we both know it.  I\'m not some demon, some monster who looks to control or hurt you.  I just want my wife and family, the life I was promised back when we met...nothing more.  Yes, I was twenty once too...and by that age I was raising two girls on my own.  I remained committed through my promises to them, and took care of their mother through all kinds of shit even at that young age.\r\nIt\'s obvious that you put me through a lot of pain, and it seems to me that you did it so you could then justify what you had done, and were doing.  This is wrong, period.  All i\'ve ever tried to do is make you happy, but wanted some common sense things in return, some sort of effort to help with those little things that life requires - like taking up some of the slack when you work half the hours that I do.  Yes, I felt a natural level of disappointment when I had to carry most of the weight - both in energy and emotion and financially.  If you had put a little more dedication into things, you would have seen an altogether different person with you.\r\nThere never was and never will be any reason to hide, or run away, from me.  I\'m sure I look the part when I finally do get aggravated. I get loud, I scowl, I make horrible faces.  And that\'s it.  Period.  Yeah, if I am pushed hard enough and long enough, I may smack a wall, or an armrest.  It takes a LOT to get me there, and to me, even that\'s over the line.  It has always ended with that - either I\'ll hurt my toes or hand, or something will happen like the television falling over to make me realize I\'ve gone too far, and then I\'ll tell myself how stupid I\"m being and it\'s over.  Truth be told, it should never even get that far - I deserve a partner and wife who listens to me and wants to please me as much (or at least in the same zip code) as I want to please them.  At that point, there is no anger, no reason for fear or disappointment out of either of us.  This is just common sense.  It is truth.\r\nWhen we met, I told you the truth- about everything - and I still am.  I am not perfect.  But I do love you, unwaveringly and without end.  You will be the last woman in my life, whether or not we ever reconcile.  Period. I would do anything to have us back together.  I don\'t care about anyone else\'s opinion on that either.  It may make me look like a fool.  It may make me appear weak and pussy-whipped.  I don\'t give a crap.  My heart knows what it wants, and it wants my wife and daughter by my side.  If I can\'t have that, I\'m sure as hell not going to settle for second best.  Ever.  \r\nI\'m sorry for whatever I said that night.  I was upset, disappointed, and scared of losing everything..again..just as things were poised to get better.  People say shit when they are at that point that they don\'t mean, and I\'m no exception.  Like I said, I\'m not perfect.  But I want to be better.  I want to be the man that attracted you to the point where you wanted to marry me...to have children with me.  I want you to be able to let go of all your doubts and whatever led you to believe you actually had something to be afraid of - if that is even the case.  If you ever were truly afraid of me, then I apologize.  I just don\'t want to be hurt - not by the one person on this earth that has captured my heart like you have.  And it\'s not just your age - I wish like hell we were closer in years, but I can\'t change that.  I love you for your spirit, for how you seem to be my missing half, and how I seemed to be yours.\r\nYou once made me promise to stay with you.  Do you remember?  You said, \"I want you to promise to stay with me.  I\'m going to go through different stages and changes, and during some of them, I may not like you that much.\"  I promised I would, and I knew inside exactly what I was signing on for - yet I promised, and I have never backed down on that promise.  There\'s been times where I haven\'t liked you much either - those times where you are chatting with other men, cheating on me, lying to me about whatever - but I\'ve never stopped loving you, and I\'ve never given up on you, even when I told you to go.\r\nI just want to have back the level of loyalty and love that I give out.  I\'m not perfect, but I am a man who would do so much to keep you happy.  I have supported every creative notion and whim you ever had...have tried to be supportive in anything that didn\'t involve losing you to another man.  I fucking adore and worship you - yes I do get frustrated and upset when you go so far out of your way to hurt me - but it doesn\'t change the fact of how I feel, how I will always feel.\r\nI told you before that I was willing to forgive you...for everything.  I still am.  I wanted us to renew our vows on the beach of the caribbean...it was to serve as a start-over, where we forgive each other, wipe our slates clean, and start over with each other.  I wanted to give Savannah a brother or sister, and give you a life filled with love and creativity.  You know as well as I do that age doesn\'t matter.  You could find a guy your age and he could get cancer or hit by a truck at any time.  It\'s the love that matters and the time spent loving one another that counts.  I\"m still praying for such a thing, as silly or impossible as that may be.  You will always be My Dragonfly in my heart.  It\'s why I got that tattoo.  \r\nI realize that there is little to no chance anything I say will matter.  I base that on the fact that my feelings have never seemed to matter in the past. I\'ve always been the guy that you could rely on while you searched for something better.  Still, for some unexplainable reason, I hold out hope.  I hope that deep inside, that part of you that made you come back before still knows the truth (\'there is something about you...no matter what has happened, I\'ve always come back..\")  I hold onto hope when there is no rational reason to, because love isn\'t always rational.  It\'s primal and instinctive, and I know in the pit of my soul that there is no one that could ever stir my heart like you.  If there is any part of you that still loves me, it\'s that part that I hope is reading this.  I promise I will always be the best I can be, if you can promise the same.  I hope that you realize that happiness is internal, and that maybe if you gave out a little more to your husband (and I still am your husband, by the way), that it would b reflected back to you in even greater magnitude.  I take my vows seriously, and all it would take to have me be the happy person I was when you met me is for me to know I wasn\'t going to be lied to or cheated on again, that I wouldn\'t be needlessly criticized or provoked in order to justify whatever negative feelings you had about me.\r\nIf you could find that part of you, if you could free yourself of doubt and fear, then I believe you could be happy with me.  I want to go on adventures with you.  I want to raise our daughter together.  I want to rub your back at night and build puzzles with you and watch and participate in creative projects together.  I want to have a home and a fire pit and take you both to the beach.  I want the rest of my life to be as free of drama and stress as possible - I want it to be awesome, and filled with love.  I want to give you incredible orgasms and watch sunsets with you.  I want to pass from this earth knowing someone will miss me, and that they loved me while I was here, not die in regret of what could have been and never was.\r\nThe choice comes down to you.  If you can be mature enough to know how much you contribute and cause the events that have transpired\r\n','An Open Letter','','inherit','closed','closed','','301-revision-v1','','','2018-03-31 16:06:06','2018-03-31 20:06:06','',301,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=303',0,'revision','',0),(304,2,'2018-04-04 07:12:54','2018-04-04 11:12:54','I don\'t expect a reply to this - I\'m writing it to both ease my grief, and to say all those things I have needed to say for so long - nor do I especially want one. I want what I\'ve always wanted - my family, plain and simple.  I\'ll never want anything else, and never have.\r\nI know we sometimes feel the need to justify our actions, lest the guilt haunt us.  That must be especially true for you, considering what has gone down over these years.  It\'s not an accusation - it is just that I cannot for the life of me see any other explanation for everything I have been put through.\r\nBut let\'s address some things first...\r\nFirstly, there is no \'dark passenger\' in me.  There never was - there was only the gulf of sadness, fear, and despair that was caused by my deepest, darkest fear becoming a reality, a reality that took a LOT of effort - more effort than was ever put into the positive aspects of our relationship.  I was very specific and honest to a fault during our courtship, and I still am.  I am still that person, and deep down, I think the person that I met still lives in you...a beautiful creature of light and love that doesn\'t want to hurt anyone.  You like to say how you are attracted to happiness - I was happy too - happier than I had ever been in my life, to have you come into it.  But having to carry almost all the relationship, and everything that comes with it, is enough to drain just about anyone.  Relationships take working together, in both big and little ways.  It takes compromise and sacrifice at times for the greater good of the family.  I was promised all sorts of things, reassured on so many levels, and then none of it came to pass.  I became worried, and sad more than anything else.  Worried that you would never see me as worthy, despite all the effort and time and love I put out..and it seems now that the worry was justified.  You have downplayed my pain, my ptsd, and even criticized me for it - yet I don\'t think you understand how much I hurt at times, especially the first five years of us being together.  It\'s been getting better these last two years, but I still have the occasional problem, and back then, it was much worse, and much more frequent.  I worked on correcting that, and every other thing you brought up that you didn\'t like (everything within my control, anyway).  I could have been much a much happier man if you had just allowed me to heal - I would just begin to trust you again when it would happen again, and the wound would be reopened, and made deeper.  So, how could I have been the happy guy you wanted if you were hurting me?  I don\'t think that\'s fair.  In fact, it isn\'t fair.  Period.  You and Savannah are the best things in my life, and if you had/would/could given me that time, you would have seen it for yourself.  All I\'ve ever wanted is to be the one that makes you and my daughter happy.  I love seeing you smile because I got you something, or did something, or said something that pleased you.  I fucking lived for that, out of both of you.  Nothing else compares to that feeling...except being in your arms.  It made me feel good to be able to run out at 11pm to wal-mart to get you some little thing that would make your day a little better.  Now, it\'s just one more thing I miss in my life.\r\nI don\'t really think you see me as being some dark sort of being - I think it\'s a handy excuse to make your choices seem like the correct ones, and you have told yourself that for so long you may even believe it, but it\'s just not true.  I\'m a passionate, deeply loving, empathetic man who cares more about the people I love than I do about myself.  It\'s just who I am.\r\nSecondly, I look over your texts and what you have said to me at different times, and I wonder if you realize just how cold and cruel it is to say to someone \'I wanted you, I got you - it wasn\'t that hard...\"  You have flipped back and forth from one extreme to the other - one day you are making me the cutest \'I miss you and love you\' video EVER, and the next, I\'m being told I\"m too old - from someone who cut people out of her life if they couldn\'t accept our age difference.\r\nIt just doesn\'t add up.\r\nIt\'s those things that drove me to despair, to extremes of emotional pain that I would never inflict on anyone.  So, it really isn\'t all my fault that I seemed moody and sad so much.  It was this back and forth, from the bright, beautiful, shining goddess that I love, to the cold and calculating woman that seems to have no emotion toward me, that made me suggest going to see a doctor, and possibly a psychologist.  I wasn\'t trying to insult you, I was trying to help you.  Kali had similar episodes emotionally - and also refused to get checked out until years later.  Turns out she had a severe thyroid condition for years, and it exacerbated her mood swings.  If she had been checked out sooner, perhaps she would still be alive.  No, I never meant that as an insult - I just wanted to make sure you were okay, because I love you.\r\nSorry - despite all the effort to make me stop, I just can\'t.  I know it has scared you.  Life can be scary, let\'s face it.  It can be rough.  It can be challenging - and those times can sometimes seem like they are never going to end.  But the last thing anyone needs is to make things worse.  We were so close to getting out of the financial hole we were in.  We had a nice little house.  Savannah loved her room (do you remember how she ran in there again when we took her there?)  Why ruin that?  Why throw away what we had?  Things were actually getting better - did it bother you that I was getting close to being stable?  That I might actually be able to make some of my dreams come true?\r\nYou like to say you were \'afraid\' of me.  The simple fact is, I\'m calmer than a great deal of people out there.  I\'ve been calm through you trashing my truck, through all the lies you\'ve told to me and others, to numerous cases of infidelity.  I\'ve walked away once, and told you to leave once.  Both times you cried and pleaded to me - told me you were sorry and begged forgiveness.  And what did I do?  We both know the answer to that - I would forgive you and try to move forward.\r\nDo I get the same regard?  No.  I\'m painted as some wife-abuser, you paint yourself as a victim, and then want me to feel sorry and be guilty for the feelings that were caused by your behavior in the first place.  All I wanted that night was to fucking hold my wife as I went to sleep.  I was under an amazing amount of stress, and after I thought we had reached a better place, and after rubbing your back for 3 hours, I thought I could at least get some comfort from the woman I love - and was pushed away.  You don\'t seem to have any concept of just how much pain you have caused - and all with just mere words.  I\'m sorry, but the whole \'I\'m scared of you\' thing is just crap.  Yeah, I get loud  - after being pushed into a corner by frustration and extremes of despair - and then I usually do something stupid - kick a dresser, smack an armrest - and then I go, \'oh, that was stupid\' and move on.  Hell, even Kali told you that back when we were still chatting online.  Remember?  I do.  You can\'t torment a dog and then expect it not to bite when it has taken too much...and me smacking a wall and raising my voice is the limit of how far I\'ve ever gone or ever would - and I don\'t want to feel that way ever again.\r\nI will never go that far.  I never have, and I never will hit you.  You\'ve pushed me, said terrible things that have crushed my spirit, jumped on my back and caused a slipped disc, and I\'ve never retaliated.  I get mad - I say shit, and I fucking hate it, because I should never even feel that upset from someone I love, but that\'s as far as I will ever go, and deep inside, you know that.\r\nI want to raise our daughter like we said when we made her.  I still do.  The week before this happened, you said we should renew our vows, and asked why I wanted another baby - I told you I wanted to make enough money where you could stay home with the kids if you wanted, and explore any option you wanted to make you happy, as long as we did it together.  Do you think that has changed?\r\nNo.  Sorry if it disappoints you, but nothing has changed in me - I want my wife. I want my family.  \r\nYou say you don\'t want to be afraid...how afraid do you think I was?  I don\'t want to live in fear either.  I don\'t want to be afraid that my wife is lying to me, that she is cheating on me...again.  I don\'t want to be afraid that she is demonizing me to other people, in person or online, while looking for someone to replace me.  I have had to live with that fear every day, and it stinks.  It is horrible to see some guy telling you \'I hate how he treats you...\" like I fucking beat you all the time.  Gee, Britt, what did you hate?  The two or three screaming squirting orgasms she was having every night? The fact that I would touch and rub her for hours every day?  Reverse psychology much?  Do you know how much it hurts to have someone say \'I wasn\'t grooming him, we talked about it and found we are incompatible...\"  Seriously?  What the fuck were you even having that conversation for in the first place if you weren\'t exploring options?  I\'ve remained calm through many episodes that would have sent other men into a rage, and we both know it.  I\'m not some demon, some monster who looks to control or hurt you.  I just want my wife and family, the life I was promised back when we met...nothing more.  Yes, I was twenty once too...and by that age I was raising two girls on my own.  I remained committed through my promises to them, and took care of their mother through all kinds of shit even at that young age.\r\nIt\'s obvious that you put me through a lot of pain, and it seems to me that you did it so you could then justify what you had done, and were doing.  This is wrong, period.  All I\'ve ever tried to do is make you happy, but wanted some common sense things in return, some sort of effort to help with those little things that life requires - like taking up some of the slack when you work half the hours that I do.  Yes, I felt a natural level of disappointment when I had to carry most of the weight - both in energy and emotion and financially.  If you had put a little more dedication into things, you would have seen an altogether different person with you.\r\nThere never was and never will be any reason to hide, or run away, from me.  I\'m sure I look the part when I finally do get aggravated. I get loud, I scowl, I make horrible faces.  And that\'s it.  Period.  Yeah, if I am pushed hard enough and long enough, I may smack a wall, or an armrest.  It takes a LOT to get me there, and to me, even that\'s over the line.  It has always ended with that - either I\'ll hurt my toes or hand, or something will happen like the television falling over to make me realize I\'ve gone too far, and then I\'ll tell myself how stupid I\"m being and it\'s over.  Truth be told, it should never even get that far - I deserve a partner and wife who listens to me and wants to please me as much (or at least in the same zip code) as I want to please them.  At that point, there is no anger, no reason for fear or disappointment out of either of us.  This is just common sense.  It is truth.\r\nWhen we met, I told you the truth- about everything - and I still am.  I am not perfect.  But I do love you, steadfastly and without end.  You will be the last woman in my life, whether or not we ever reconcile.  Period. I would do anything to have us back together.  I don\'t care about anyone\'s opinion on that either.  It may make me look like a fool.  It may make me appear weak and pussy-whipped.  I don\'t give a crap.  My heart knows what it wants, and it wants my wife and daughter by my side.  If I can\'t have that, I\'m sure as hell not going to settle for second best.  Ever.  \r\nI\'m sorry for whatever I said that night.  I was upset, disappointed, and scared of losing everything..again..just as things were poised to get better.  People say shit when they are at that point that they don\'t mean, and I\'m no exception.  Like I said, I\'m not perfect.  But I want to be better.  I want to be the man that attracted you to the point where you wanted to marry me...to have children with me.  I want you to be able to let go of all your doubts and whatever led you to believe you actually had something to be afraid of - if that is even the case.  If you ever were truly afraid of me, then I apologize.  I just don\'t want to be hurt - not by the one person on this earth that has captured my heart like you have.  And it\'s not just your age - I wish like hell we were closer in years, but I can\'t change that.  I love you for your spirit, for how you seem to be my missing half, and how I seemed to be yours.\r\nYou once made me promise to stay with you.  Do you remember?  You said, \"I want you to promise to stay with me.  I\'m going to go through different stages and changes, and during some of them, I may not like you that much.\"  I promised I would, and I knew inside exactly what I was signing on for - yet I promised, and I have never backed down on that promise.  There\'s been times where I haven\'t liked you much either - those times where you are chatting with other men, cheating on me, lying to me about whatever - but I\'ve never stopped loving you, and I\'ve never given up on you, even when I told you to go.\r\nI just want to have back the level of loyalty and love that I give out.  I\'m not perfect, but I am a man who would do so much to keep you happy.  I have supported every creative notion and whim you ever had...have tried to be supportive in anything that didn\'t involve losing you to another man.  I fucking adore and worship you - yes I do get frustrated and upset when you go so far out of your way to hurt me - but it doesn\'t change the fact of how I feel, how I will always feel.\r\nI told you before that I was willing to forgive you...for everything.  I still am.  I wanted us to renew our vows on the beach of the Caribbean...it was to serve as a start-over, where we forgive each other, wipe our slates clean, and start over with each other.  I wanted to give Savannah a brother or sister, and give you a life filled with love and creativity.  You know as well as I do that age doesn\'t matter.  You could find a guy your age and he could get cancer or hit by a truck at any time.  It\'s the love that matters and the time spent loving one another that counts.  I\"m still praying for such a thing, as silly or impossible as that may be.  You will always be My Dragonfly in my heart.  It\'s why I got that tattoo, and why I\'ll always keep it.  \r\nI realize that there is little to no chance anything I say will matter.  I base that on the fact that my feelings have never seemed to matter in the past. I\'ve always been the guy that you could rely on while you searched for something better.  Still, for some inexplicable reason, I hold out hope.  I hope that deep inside, that part of you that made you come back before still knows the truth (\'there is something about you...no matter what has happened, I\'ve always come back..\")  I hold onto hope when there is no rational reason to, because love isn\'t always rational.  It\'s primal and instinctive, and I know in the pit of my soul that there is no one that could ever stir my heart like you.  If there is any part of you that still loves me, it\'s that part that I hope is reading this.  I promise I will always be the best I can be, if you can promise the same.  I hope that you realize that happiness is internal, and that maybe if you gave out a little more affection and attention to your husband (and I still am your husband, by the way), that it would be reflected back to you in even greater magnitude.  I take my vows seriously, and all it would take to have me be the happy person I was when you met me is for me to know I wasn\'t going to be lied to or cheated on again, that I wouldn\'t be needlessly criticized or provoked in order to justify whatever negative feelings you had about me.  Those parts of my personality you don\'t like exist in everyone - and they will come out under the right circumstances.\r\nIf you could find that part of you, if you could free yourself of doubt and fear, then I believe you could be happy with me.  I want to go on adventures with you.  I want to raise our daughter together.  I want to rub your back at night and build puzzles with you and watch and participate in creative projects together.  I want to have a home and a fire pit and take you both to the beach.  I want the rest of my life to be as free of drama and stress as possible - I want it to be awesome, and filled with love.  I want to give you incredible orgasms and watch sunsets with you.  I want to pass from this earth knowing someone will miss me, and that they loved me while I was here, not die in regret of what could have been and never was.  I want this despite all that has happened, despite the fact that the woman I love has basically cheated on me since two weeks after saying they would be my girlfriend, despite all the emails and texts I have that you sent other men, despite all the many lies that have been told both to and about me. None of it matters - what matters is what comes next. \r\nThe choice comes down to you.  It always has.  If you can be mature enough to know how much you contribute and cause the events that have transpired, if you can accept that you can\'t torment someone emotionally and then blame them for their reaction to that torment, and more importantly, put that crap to rest, then so can I. If you can accept that the \'honeymoon feeling\' is infatuation, and not love - that love is deeper, and in reality involves faith and sacrifice and dedication to one another - if you could look into your own abyss like I have, and stop making excuses about why we shouldn\'t be together - then maybe you could become as happy as you have said you wanted to be.  For that to happen, however, all the crap and the drama and the lies and the cheating have to end, forever.  All the excuses have to seen as what they are, and life needs to be embraced as something to be shared together.\r\nYou have a man who has sacrificed everything on more than one occasion to be with you.  I don\'t see any of those other boys lining up to do that.  That is the difference between love and want, between love and wanting a piece of ass.  I want to be able to love you without fear, and without doubt.  Plain and simple.  I want to be free of that so I can be the man I really am inside, and become happy by doing so.  You have a man that has put up with an amazing amount of shit, and has never given up.  You should appreciate that, not look for reasons to hurt them further. \r\nLike I said, I don\'t expect anything from this.  I am saying what I feel inside.  But, if in the quiet moments, in the moments where our daughter is wondering where her Daddy is (and she does), where she is playing and happy and you feel a bit of nostalgia, if you have ever wondered if maybe you were making a mistake, or missing my touch in the slightest, then maybe you need to listen to that part of your heart.  It may have some things to say that may surprise you.  You may not want to hear it sometimes, but I know it\'s there.  Is the life you have now what you really want?  Is it what you want for Savannah?  ','An Open Letter','','inherit','closed','closed','','301-revision-v1','','','2018-04-04 07:12:54','2018-04-04 11:12:54','',301,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=304',0,'revision','',0),(305,2,'2018-04-04 13:15:53','2018-04-04 17:15:53','I don\'t expect a reply to this - I\'m writing it to both ease my grief, and to say all those things I have needed to say for so long - nor do I especially want one. I want what I\'ve always wanted - my family, plain and simple.  I\'ll never want anything else, and never have.\r\nI know we sometimes feel the need to justify our actions, lest the guilt haunt us.  That must be especially true for you, considering what has gone down over these years.  It\'s not an accusation - it is just that I cannot for the life of me see any other explanation for everything I have been put through.\r\nBut let\'s address some things first...\r\nFirstly, there is no \'dark passenger\' in me.  There never was - there was only the gulf of sadness, fear, and despair that was caused by my deepest, darkest fear becoming a reality, a reality that took a LOT of effort - more effort than was ever put into the positive aspects of our relationship.  I was very specific and honest to a fault during our courtship, and I still am.  I am still that person, and deep down, I think the person that I met still lives in you...a beautiful creature of light and love that doesn\'t want to hurt anyone.  You like to say how you are attracted to happiness - I was happy too - happier than I had ever been in my life, to have you come into it.  But having to carry almost all the relationship, and everything that comes with it, is enough to drain just about anyone.  Relationships take working together, in both big and little ways.  It takes compromise and sacrifice at times for the greater good of the family.  I was promised all sorts of things, reassured on so many levels, and then none of it came to pass.  I became worried, and sad more than anything else.  Worried that you would never see me as worthy, despite all the effort and time and love I put out..and it seems now that the worry was justified.  You have downplayed my pain, my ptsd, and even criticized me for it - yet I don\'t think you understand how much I hurt at times, especially the first five years of us being together.  It\'s been getting better these last two years, but I still have the occasional problem, and back then, it was much worse, and much more frequent.  I worked on correcting that, and every other thing you brought up that you didn\'t like (everything within my control, anyway).  I could have been much a much happier man if you had just allowed me to heal - I would just begin to trust you again when it would happen again, and the wound would be reopened, and made deeper.  So, how could I have been the happy guy you wanted if you were hurting me?  I don\'t think that\'s fair.  In fact, it isn\'t fair.  Period.  You and Savannah are the best things in my life, and if you had/would/could given me that time, you would have seen it for yourself.  All I\'ve ever wanted is to be the one that makes you and my daughter happy.  I love seeing you smile because I got you something, or did something, or said something that pleased you.  I fucking lived for that, out of both of you.  Nothing else compares to that feeling...except being in your arms.  It made me feel good to be able to run out at 11pm to wal-mart to get you some little thing that would make your day a little better.  Now, it\'s just one more thing I miss in my life.\r\nI don\'t really think you see me as being some dark sort of being - I think it\'s a handy excuse to make your choices seem like the correct ones, and you have told yourself that for so long you may even believe it, but it\'s just not true.  I\'m a passionate, deeply loving, empathetic man who cares more about the people I love than I do about myself.  It\'s just who I am.\r\nSecondly, I look over your texts and what you have said to me at different times, and I wonder if you realize just how cold and cruel it is to say to someone \'I wanted you, I got you - it wasn\'t that hard...\"  You have flipped back and forth from one extreme to the other - one day you are making me the cutest \'I miss you and love you\' video EVER, and the next, I\'m being told I\"m too old - from someone who cut people out of her life if they couldn\'t accept our age difference.\r\nIt just doesn\'t add up.\r\nIt\'s those things that drove me to despair, to extremes of emotional pain that I would never inflict on anyone.  So, it really isn\'t all my fault that I seemed moody and sad so much.  It was this back and forth, from the bright, beautiful, shining goddess that I love, to the cold and calculating woman that seems to have no emotion toward me, that made me suggest going to see a doctor, and possibly a psychologist.  I wasn\'t trying to insult you, I was trying to help you.  Kali had similar episodes emotionally - and also refused to get checked out until years later.  Turns out she had a severe thyroid condition for years, and it exacerbated her mood swings.  If she had been checked out sooner, perhaps she would still be alive.  No, I never meant that as an insult - I just wanted to make sure you were okay, because I love you.\r\nSorry - despite all the effort to make me stop, I just can\'t.  I know it has scared you.  Life can be scary, let\'s face it.  It can be rough.  It can be challenging - and those times can sometimes seem like they are never going to end.  But the last thing anyone needs is to make things worse.  We were so close to getting out of the financial hole we were in.  We had a nice little house.  Savannah loved her room (do you remember how she ran in there again when we took her there?)  Why ruin that?  Why throw away what we had?  Things were actually getting better - did it bother you that I was getting close to being stable?  That I might actually be able to make some of my dreams come true?\r\nYou like to say you were \'afraid\' of me.  The simple fact is, I\'m calmer than a great deal of people out there.  I\'ve been calm through you trashing my truck, through all the lies you\'ve told to me and others, to numerous cases of infidelity.  I\'ve walked away once, and told you to leave once.  Both times you cried and pleaded to me - told me you were sorry and begged forgiveness.  And what did I do?  We both know the answer to that - I would forgive you and try to move forward.\r\nDo I get the same regard?  No.  I\'m painted as some wife-abuser, you paint yourself as a victim, and then want me to feel sorry and be guilty for the feelings that were caused by your behavior in the first place.  All I wanted that night was to fucking hold my wife as I went to sleep.  I was under an amazing amount of stress, and after I thought we had reached a better place, and after rubbing your back for 3 hours, I thought I could at least get some comfort from the woman I love - and was pushed away.  You don\'t seem to have any concept of just how much pain you have caused - and all with just mere words.  I\'m sorry, but the whole \'I\'m scared of you\' thing is just crap.  Yeah, I get loud  - after being pushed into a corner by frustration and extremes of despair - and then I usually do something stupid - kick a dresser, smack an armrest - and then I go, \'oh, that was stupid\' and move on.  Hell, even Kali told you that back when we were still chatting online.  Remember?  I do.  You can\'t torment a dog and then expect it not to bite when it has taken too much...and me smacking a wall and raising my voice is the limit of how far I\'ve ever gone or ever would - and I don\'t want to feel that way ever again.\r\nI will never go that far.  I never have, and I never will hit you.  You\'ve pushed me, said terrible things that have crushed my spirit, jumped on my back and caused a slipped disc, and I\'ve never retaliated.  I get mad - I say shit, and I fucking hate it, because I should never even feel that upset from someone I love, but that\'s as far as I will ever go, and deep inside, you know that.\r\nI want to raise our daughter like we said when we made her.  I still do.  The week before this happened, you said we should renew our vows, and asked why I wanted another baby - I told you I wanted to make enough money where you could stay home with the kids if you wanted, and explore any option you wanted to make you happy, as long as we did it together.  Do you think that has changed?\r\nNo.  Sorry if it disappoints you, but nothing has changed in me - I want my wife. I want my family.  \r\nYou say you don\'t want to be afraid...how afraid do you think I was?  I don\'t want to live in fear either.  I don\'t want to be afraid that my wife is lying to me, that she is cheating on me...again.  I don\'t want to be afraid that she is demonizing me to other people, in person or online, while looking for someone to replace me.  I have had to live with that fear every day, and it stinks.  It is horrible to see some guy telling you \'I hate how he treats you...\" like I fucking beat you all the time.  Gee, Britt, what did you hate?  The two or three screaming squirting orgasms she was having every night? The fact that I would touch and rub her for hours every day?  Reverse psychology much?  Do you know how much it hurts to have someone say \'I wasn\'t grooming him, we talked about it and found we are incompatible...\"  Seriously?  What the fuck were you even having that conversation for in the first place if you weren\'t exploring options?  I\'ve remained calm through many episodes that would have sent other men into a rage, and we both know it.  I\'m not some demon, some monster who looks to control or hurt you.  I just want my wife and family, the life I was promised back when we met...nothing more.  Yes, I was twenty once too...and by that age I was raising two girls on my own.  I remained committed through my promises to them, and took care of their mother through all kinds of shit even at that young age.\r\nIt\'s obvious that you put me through a lot of pain, and it seems to me that you did it so you could then justify what you had done, and were doing.  This is wrong, period.  All I\'ve ever tried to do is make you happy, but wanted some common sense things in return, some sort of effort to help with those little things that life requires - like taking up some of the slack when you work half the hours that I do.  Yes, I felt a natural level of disappointment when I had to carry most of the weight - both in energy and emotion and financially.  If you had put a little more dedication into things, you would have seen an altogether different person with you.\r\nThere never was and never will be any reason to hide, or run away, from me.  I\'m sure I look the part when I finally do get aggravated. I get loud, I scowl, I make horrible faces.  And that\'s it.  Period.  Yeah, if I am pushed hard enough and long enough, I may smack a wall, or an armrest.  It takes a LOT to get me there, and to me, even that\'s over the line.  It has always ended with that - either I\'ll hurt my toes or hand, or something will happen like the television falling over to make me realize I\'ve gone too far, and then I\'ll tell myself how stupid I\"m being and it\'s over.  Truth be told, it should never even get that far - I deserve a partner and wife who listens to me and wants to please me as much (or at least in the same zip code) as I want to please them.  At that point, there is no anger, no reason for fear or disappointment out of either of us.  This is just common sense.  It is truth.\r\nWhen we met, I told you the truth- about everything - and I still am.  I am not perfect.  But I do love you, steadfastly and without end.  You will be the last woman in my life, whether or not we ever reconcile.  Period. I would do anything to have us back together.  I don\'t care about anyone\'s opinion on that either.  It may make me look like a fool.  It may make me appear weak and pussy-whipped.  I don\'t give a crap.  My heart knows what it wants, and it wants my wife and daughter by my side.  If I can\'t have that, I\'m sure as hell not going to settle for second best.  Ever.  \r\nI\'m sorry for whatever I said that night.  I was upset, disappointed, and scared of losing everything..again..just as things were poised to get better.  People say shit when they are at that point that they don\'t mean, and I\'m no exception.  Like I said, I\'m not perfect.  But I want to be better.  I want to be the man that attracted you to the point where you wanted to marry me...to have children with me.  I want you to be able to let go of all your doubts and whatever led you to believe you actually had something to be afraid of - if that is even the case.  If you ever were truly afraid of me, then I apologize.  I just don\'t want to be hurt - not by the one person on this earth that has captured my heart like you have.  And it\'s not just your age - I wish like hell we were closer in years, but I can\'t change that.  I love you for your spirit, for how you seem to be my missing half, and how I seemed to be yours.\r\nYou once made me promise to stay with you.  Do you remember?  You said, \"I want you to promise to stay with me.  I\'m going to go through different stages and changes, and during some of them, I may not like you that much.\"  I promised I would, and I knew inside exactly what I was signing on for - yet I promised, and I have never backed down on that promise.  There\'s been times where I haven\'t liked you much either - those times where you are chatting with other men, cheating on me, lying to me about whatever - but I\'ve never stopped loving you, and I\'ve never given up on you, even when I told you to go.\r\nI just want to have back the level of loyalty and love that I give out.  I\'m not perfect, but I am a man who would do so much to keep you happy.  I have supported every creative notion and whim you ever had...have tried to be supportive in anything that didn\'t involve losing you to another man.  I fucking adore and worship you - yes I do get frustrated and upset when you go so far out of your way to hurt me - but it doesn\'t change the fact of how I feel, how I will always feel.\r\nI told you before that I was willing to forgive you...for everything.  I still am.  I wanted us to renew our vows on the beach of the Caribbean...it was to serve as a start-over, where we forgive each other, wipe our slates clean, and start over with each other.  I wanted to give Savannah a brother or sister, and give you a life filled with love and creativity.  You know as well as I do that age doesn\'t matter.  You could find a guy your age and he could get cancer or hit by a truck at any time.  It\'s the love that matters and the time spent loving one another that counts.  I\"m still praying for such a thing, as silly or impossible as that may be.  You will always be My Dragonfly in my heart.  It\'s why I got that tattoo, and why I\'ll always keep it.  \r\nI realize that there is little to no chance anything I say will matter.  I base that on the fact that my feelings have never seemed to matter in the past. I\'ve always been the guy that you could rely on while you searched for something better.  Still, for some inexplicable reason, I hold out hope.  I hope that deep inside, that part of you that made you come back before still knows the truth (\'there is something about you...no matter what has happened, I\'ve always come back..\")  I hold onto hope when there is no rational reason to, because love isn\'t always rational.  It\'s primal and instinctive, and I know in the pit of my soul that there is no one that could ever stir my heart like you.  If there is any part of you that still loves me, it\'s that part that I hope is reading this.  I promise I will always be the best I can be, if you can promise the same.  I hope that you realize that happiness is internal, and that maybe if you gave out a little more affection and attention to your husband (and I still am your husband, by the way), that it would be reflected back to you in even greater magnitude.  I take my vows seriously, and all it would take to have me be the happy person I was when you met me is for me to know I wasn\'t going to be lied to or cheated on again, that I wouldn\'t be needlessly criticized or provoked in order to justify whatever negative feelings you had about me.  Those parts of my personality you don\'t like exist in everyone - and they will come out under the right circumstances.\r\nIf you could find that part of you, if you could free yourself of doubt and fear, then I believe you could be happy with me.  I want to go on adventures with you.  I want to raise our daughter together.  I want to rub your back at night and build puzzles with you and watch and participate in creative projects together.  I want to have a home and a fire pit and take you both to the beach.  I want the rest of my life to be as free of drama and stress as possible - I want it to be awesome, and filled with love.  I want to give you incredible orgasms and watch sunsets with you.  I want to pass from this earth knowing someone will miss me, and that they loved me while I was here, not die in regret of what could have been and never was.  I want this despite all that has happened, despite the fact that the woman I love has basically cheated on me since two weeks after saying they would be my girlfriend, despite all the emails and texts I have that you sent other men, despite all the many lies that have been told both to and about me. None of it matters - what matters is what comes next. \r\nThe choice comes down to you.  It always has.  If you can be mature enough to know how much you contribute and cause the events that have transpired, if you can accept that you can\'t torment someone emotionally and then blame them for their reaction to that torment, and more importantly, put that crap to rest, then so can I. If you can accept that the \'honeymoon feeling\' is infatuation, and not love - that love is deeper, and in reality involves faith and sacrifice and dedication to one another - if you could look into your own abyss like I have, and stop making excuses about why we shouldn\'t be together - then maybe you could become as happy as you have said you wanted to be.  For that to happen, however, all the crap and the drama and the lies and the cheating have to end, forever.  All the excuses have to seen as what they are, and life needs to be embraced as something to be shared together.\r\nYou have a man who has sacrificed everything on more than one occasion to be with you.  I don\'t see any of those other boys lining up to do that.  That is the difference between love and want, between love and wanting a piece of ass.  I want to be able to love you without fear, and without doubt.  Plain and simple.  I want to be free of that so I can be the man I really am inside, and become happy by doing so.  You have a man that has put up with an amazing amount of shit, and has never given up.  You should appreciate that, not look for reasons to hurt them further. \r\nLike I said, I don\'t expect anything from this.  I am saying what I feel inside.  But, if in the quiet moments, in the moments where our daughter is wondering where her Daddy is (and she does), where she is playing and happy and you feel a bit of nostalgia, if you have ever wondered if maybe you were making a mistake, or missing my touch in the slightest, then maybe you need to listen to that part of your heart.  It may have some things to say that may surprise you.  You may not want to hear it sometimes, but I know it\'s there.  Is the life you have now what you really want?  Is it what you want for Savannah? To deal with another ex?  Or would you rather admit to yourself, the way I\'ve been made to, that you may have made a few wrong calls, that maybe your happiness is something you can achieve with the man that actually loves you, and put some effort into finding that happiness with him.  \r\nThere may be more thoughts in the future, but this says how I feel.  Yes, despite all the awful things you have said to me, and about me, I still love you.  I wanted you to know.  \r\n\r\n~Your Michael ','An Open Letter','','inherit','closed','closed','','301-revision-v1','','','2018-04-04 13:15:53','2018-04-04 17:15:53','',301,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=305',0,'revision','',0),(306,2,'2018-04-07 08:06:50','2018-04-07 12:06:50','I don\'t expect a reply to this - I\'m writing it to both ease my grief, and to say all those things I have needed to say for so long - nor do I especially want one. I want what I\'ve always wanted - my family, plain and simple.  I\'ll never want anything else, and never have.\r\nI know we sometimes feel the need to justify our actions, lest the guilt haunt us.  That must be especially true for you, considering what has gone down over these years.  It\'s not an accusation - it is just that I cannot for the life of me see any other explanation for everything I have been put through.\r\nBut let\'s address some things first...\r\nFirstly, there is no \'dark passenger\' in me.  There never was - there was only the gulf of sadness, fear, and despair that was caused by my deepest, darkest fear becoming a reality, a reality that took a LOT of effort - more effort than was ever put into the positive aspects of our relationship.  I was very specific and honest to a fault during our courtship, and I still am.  I am still that person, and deep down, I think the person that I met still lives in you...a beautiful creature of light and love that doesn\'t want to hurt anyone.  You like to say how you are attracted to happiness - I was happy too - happier than I had ever been in my life, to have you come into it.  But having to carry almost all the relationship, and everything that comes with it, is enough to drain just about anyone.  Relationships take working together, in both big and little ways.  It takes compromise and sacrifice at times for the greater good of the family.  I was promised all sorts of things, reassured on so many levels, and then none of it came to pass.  I became worried, and sad more than anything else.  Worried that you would never see me as worthy, despite all the effort and time and love I put out..and it seems now that the worry was justified.  You have downplayed my pain, my ptsd, and even criticized me for it - yet I don\'t think you understand how much I hurt at times, especially the first five years of us being together.  It\'s been getting better these last two years, but I still have the occasional problem, and back then, it was much worse, and much more frequent.  I worked on correcting that, and every other thing you brought up that you didn\'t like (everything within my control, anyway).  I could have been much a much happier man if you had just allowed me to heal - I would just begin to trust you again when it would happen again, and the wound would be reopened, and made deeper.  So, how could I have been the happy guy you wanted if you were hurting me?  I don\'t think that\'s fair.  In fact, it isn\'t fair.  Period.  You and Savannah are the best things in my life, and if you had/would/could given me that time, you would have seen it for yourself.  All I\'ve ever wanted is to be the one that makes you and my daughter happy.  I love seeing you smile because I got you something, or did something, or said something that pleased you.  I fucking lived for that, out of both of you.  Nothing else compares to that feeling...except being in your arms.  It made me feel good to be able to run out at 11pm to wal-mart to get you some little thing that would make your day a little better.  Now, it\'s just one more thing I miss in my life.\r\nI don\'t really think you see me as being some dark sort of being - I think it\'s a handy excuse to make your choices seem like the correct ones, and you have told yourself that for so long you may even believe it, but it\'s just not true.  I\'m a passionate, deeply loving, empathetic man who cares more about the people I love than I do about myself.  It\'s just who I am.\r\nSecondly, I look over your texts and what you have said to me at different times, and I wonder if you realize just how cold and cruel it is to say to someone \'I wanted you, I got you - it wasn\'t that hard...\"  You have flipped back and forth from one extreme to the other - one day you are making me the cutest \'I miss you and love you\' video EVER, and the next, I\'m being told I\"m too old - from someone who cut people out of her life if they couldn\'t accept our age difference.\r\nIt just doesn\'t add up.\r\nIt\'s those things that drove me to despair, to extremes of emotional pain that I would never inflict on anyone.  So, it really isn\'t all my fault that I seemed moody and sad so much.  It was this back and forth, from the bright, beautiful, shining goddess that I love, to the cold and calculating woman that seems to have no emotion toward me, that made me suggest going to see a doctor, and possibly a psychologist.  I wasn\'t trying to insult you, I was trying to help you.  Kali had similar episodes emotionally - and also refused to get checked out until years later.  Turns out she had a severe thyroid condition for years, and it exacerbated her mood swings.  If she had been checked out sooner, perhaps she would still be alive.  No, I never meant that as an insult - I just wanted to make sure you were okay, because I love you.\r\nSorry - despite all the effort to make me stop, I just can\'t.  I know it has scared you.  Life can be scary, let\'s face it.  It can be rough.  It can be challenging - and those times can sometimes seem like they are never going to end.  But the last thing anyone needs is to make things worse.  We were so close to getting out of the financial hole we were in.  We had a nice little house.  Savannah loved her room (do you remember how she ran in there again when we took her there?)  Why ruin that?  Why throw away what we had?  Things were actually getting better - did it bother you that I was getting close to being stable?  That I might actually be able to make some of my dreams come true?\r\nYou like to say you were \'afraid\' of me.  The simple fact is, I\'m calmer than a great deal of people out there.  I\'ve been calm through you trashing my truck, through all the lies you\'ve told to me and others, to numerous cases of infidelity.  I\'ve walked away once, and told you to leave once.  Both times you cried and pleaded to me - told me you were sorry and begged forgiveness.  And what did I do?  We both know the answer to that - I would forgive you and try to move forward.\r\nDo I get the same regard?  No.  I\'m painted as some wife-abuser, you paint yourself as a victim, and then want me to feel sorry and be guilty for the feelings that were caused by your behavior in the first place.  All I wanted that night was to fucking hold my wife as I went to sleep.  I was under an amazing amount of stress, and after I thought we had reached a better place, and after rubbing your back for 3 hours, I thought I could at least get some comfort from the woman I love - and was pushed away.  You don\'t seem to have any concept of just how much pain you have caused - and all with just mere words.  I\'m sorry, but the whole \'I\'m scared of you\' thing is just crap.  Yeah, I get loud  - after being pushed into a corner by frustration and extremes of despair - and then I usually do something stupid - kick a dresser, smack an armrest - and then I go, \'oh, that was stupid\' and move on.  Hell, even Kali told you that back when we were still chatting online.  Remember?  I do.  You can\'t torment a dog and then expect it not to bite when it has taken too much...and me smacking a wall and raising my voice is the limit of how far I\'ve ever gone or ever would - and I don\'t want to feel that way ever again.\r\nI will never go that far.  I never have, and I never will hit you.  You\'ve pushed me, said terrible things that have crushed my spirit, jumped on my back and caused a slipped disc, and I\'ve never retaliated.  I get mad - I say shit, and I fucking hate it, because I should never even feel that upset from someone I love, but that\'s as far as I will ever go, and deep inside, you know that.\r\nI want to raise our daughter like we said when we made her.  I still do.  The week before this happened, you said we should renew our vows, and asked why I wanted another baby - I told you I wanted to make enough money where you could stay home with the kids if you wanted, and explore any option you wanted to make you happy, as long as we did it together.  Do you think that has changed?\r\nNo.  Sorry if it disappoints you, but nothing has changed in me - I want my wife. I want my family.  \r\nYou say you don\'t want to be afraid...how afraid do you think I was?  I don\'t want to live in fear either.  I don\'t want to be afraid that my wife is lying to me, that she is cheating on me...again.  I don\'t want to be afraid that she is demonizing me to other people, in person or online, while looking for someone to replace me.  I have had to live with that fear every day, and it stinks.  It is horrible to see some guy telling you \'I hate how he treats you...\" like I fucking beat you all the time.  Gee, Britt, what did you hate?  The two or three screaming squirting orgasms she was having every night? The fact that I would touch and rub her for hours every day?  Reverse psychology much?  Do you know how much it hurts to have someone say \'I wasn\'t grooming him, we talked about it and found we are incompatible...\"  Seriously?  What the fuck were you even having that conversation for in the first place if you weren\'t exploring options?  I\'ve remained calm through many episodes that would have sent other men into a rage, and we both know it.  I\'m not some demon, some monster who looks to control or hurt you.  I just want my wife and family, the life I was promised back when we met...nothing more.  Yes, I was twenty once too...and by that age I was raising two girls on my own.  I remained committed through my promises to them, and took care of their mother through all kinds of shit even at that young age.\r\nIt\'s obvious that you put me through a lot of pain, and it seems to me that you did it so you could then justify what you had done, and were doing.  This is wrong, period.  All I\'ve ever tried to do is make you happy, but wanted some common sense things in return, some sort of effort to help with those little things that life requires - like taking up some of the slack when you work half the hours that I do.  Yes, I felt a natural level of disappointment when I had to carry most of the weight - both in energy and emotion and financially.  If you had put a little more dedication into things, you would have seen an altogether different person with you.\r\nThere never was and never will be any reason to hide, or run away, from me.  I\'m sure I look the part when I finally do get aggravated. I get loud, I scowl, I make horrible faces.  And that\'s it.  Period.  Yeah, if I am pushed hard enough and long enough, I may smack a wall, or an armrest.  It takes a LOT to get me there, and to me, even that\'s over the line.  It has always ended with that - either I\'ll hurt my toes or hand, or something will happen like the television falling over to make me realize I\'ve gone too far, and then I\'ll tell myself how stupid I\"m being and it\'s over.  Truth be told, it should never even get that far - I deserve a partner and wife who listens to me and wants to please me as much (or at least in the same zip code) as I want to please them.  At that point, there is no anger, no reason for fear or disappointment out of either of us.  This is just common sense.  It is truth.\r\nWhen we met, I told you the truth- about everything - and I still am.  I am not perfect.  But I do love you, steadfastly and without end.  You will be the last woman in my life, whether or not we ever reconcile.  Period. I would do anything to have us back together.  I don\'t care about anyone\'s opinion on that either.  It may make me look like a fool.  It may make me appear weak and pussy-whipped.  I don\'t give a crap.  My heart knows what it wants, and it wants my wife and daughter by my side.  If I can\'t have that, I\'m sure as hell not going to settle for second best.  Ever.  \r\nI\'m sorry for whatever I said that night.  I was upset, disappointed, and scared of losing everything - again - just as things were poised to get better.  People say shit when they are at that point that they don\'t mean, and I\'m no exception.  Like I said, I\'m not perfect.  But I want to be better.  I want to be the man that attracted you to the point where you wanted to marry me...to have children with me.  I want you to be able to let go of all your doubts and whatever led you to believe you actually had something to be afraid of - if that is even the case.  If you ever were truly afraid of me, then I apologize.  I just don\'t want to be hurt - not by the one person on this earth that has captured my heart like you have.  And it\'s not just your age - I wish like hell we were closer in years, but I can\'t change that.  I love you for your spirit, for how you seem to be my missing half, and how I seemed to be yours.\r\nYou once made me promise to stay with you.  Do you remember?  You said, \"I want you to promise to stay with me.  I\'m going to go through different stages and changes, and during some of them, I may not like you that much.\"  I promised I would, and I knew inside exactly what I was signing on for - yet I promised, and I have never backed down on that promise.  There\'s been times where I haven\'t liked you much either - those times where you are chatting with other men, cheating on me, lying to me about whatever - but I\'ve never stopped loving you, and I\'ve never given up on you, even when I told you to go.\r\nI just want to have back the level of loyalty and love that I give out.  I\'m not perfect, but I am a man who would do so much to keep you happy.  I have supported every creative notion and whim you ever had...have tried to be supportive in anything that didn\'t involve losing you to another man.  I fucking adore and worship you - yes I do get frustrated and upset when you go so far out of your way to hurt me - but it doesn\'t change the fact of how I feel, how I will always feel.\r\nI told you before that I was willing to forgive you...for everything.  I still am.  I wanted us to renew our vows on the beach of the Caribbean...it was to serve as a start-over, where we forgive each other, wipe our slates clean, and start over with each other.  I wanted to give Savannah a brother or sister, and give you a life filled with love and creativity.  You know as well as I do that age doesn\'t matter.  You could find a guy your age and he could get cancer or hit by a truck at any time.  It\'s the love that matters and the time spent loving one another that counts.  I\"m still praying for such a thing, as silly or impossible as that may be.  You will always be My Dragonfly in my heart.  It\'s why I got that tattoo, and why I\'ll always keep it.  \r\nI realize that there is little to no chance anything I say will matter.  I base that on the fact that my feelings have never seemed to matter in the past (you\'ve even said as much to my face). I\'ve always been the guy that you could rely on while you searched for something better.  Still, for some inexplicable reason, I hold out hope.  I hope that deep inside, that part of you that made you come back before still knows the truth (\'there is something about you...no matter what has happened, I\'ve always come back..\")  I hold onto hope when there is no rational reason to, because love isn\'t always rational.  It\'s primal and instinctive, and I know in the pit of my soul that there is no one that could ever stir my heart like you.  If there is any part of you that still loves me, it\'s that part that I hope is reading this.  I promise I will always be the best I can be, if you can promise the same.  I hope that you realize that happiness is internal, and that maybe if you gave out a little more affection and attention to your husband (and I still am your husband, by the way), that it would be reflected back to you in even greater magnitude.  I take my vows seriously, and all it would take to have me be the happy person I was when you met me is for me to know I wasn\'t going to be lied to or cheated on again, that I wouldn\'t be needlessly criticized or provoked in order to justify whatever negative feelings you had about me.  Those parts of my personality you don\'t like exist in everyone - and they will come out under the right circumstances.\r\nIf you could find that part of you, if you could free yourself of doubt and fear, then I believe you could be happy with me.  I want to go on adventures with you.  I want to raise our daughter together.  I want to rub your back at night and build puzzles with you and watch and participate in creative projects together.  I want to have a home and a fire pit and take you both to the beach.  I want the rest of my life to be as free of drama and stress as possible - I want it to be awesome, and filled with love.  I want to give you incredible orgasms and watch sunsets with you.  I want to pass from this earth knowing someone will miss me, and that they loved me while I was here, not die in regret of what could have been and never was.  I want this despite all that has happened, despite the fact that the woman I love has basically cheated on me since two weeks after saying they would be my girlfriend, despite all the emails and texts I have that you sent other men, despite all the many lies that have been told both to and about me. None of it matters - what matters is what comes next. \r\nThe choice comes down to you.  It always has.  If you can be mature enough to know how much you contribute and cause the events that have transpired, if you can accept that you can\'t torment someone emotionally and then blame them for their reaction to that torment, and more importantly, put that crap to rest, then so can I. If you can accept that the \'honeymoon feeling\' is infatuation, and not love - that love is deeper, and in reality involves faith and sacrifice and dedication to one another - if you could look into your own abyss like I have, and stop making excuses about why we shouldn\'t be together - then maybe you could become as happy as you have said you wanted to be.  For that to happen, however, all the crap and the drama and the lies and the cheating have to end, forever.  All the excuses have to seen as what they are, and life needs to be embraced as something to be shared together.\r\nYou have a man who has sacrificed everything on more than one occasion to be with you.  I don\'t see any of those other boys lining up to do that.  That is the difference between love and want, between love and wanting a piece of ass.  I want to be able to love you without fear, and without doubt.  Plain and simple.  I want to be free of that so I can be the man I really am inside, and become happy by doing so.  You have a man that has put up with an amazing amount of shit, and has never given up.  You should appreciate that, not look for reasons to hurt them further. \r\nLike I said, I don\'t expect anything from this.  I am saying what I feel inside.  But, if in the quiet moments, in the moments where our daughter is wondering where her Daddy is (and she does), where she is playing and happy and you feel a bit of nostalgia, if you have ever wondered if maybe you were making a mistake, or missing my touch in the slightest, then maybe you need to listen to that part of your heart.  It may have some things to say that may surprise you.  You may not want to hear it sometimes, but I know it\'s there.  Is the life you have now what you really want?  Is it what you want for Savannah? To deal with another ex?  Or would you rather admit to yourself, the way I\'ve been made to, that you may have made a few wrong calls, that maybe your happiness is something you can achieve with the man that actually loves you, and put some effort into finding that happiness with him.  \r\nThere may be more thoughts in the future, but this says how I feel.  Yes, despite all the awful things you have said to me, and about me, I still love you.  I still want a life with us as a family, together. I wanted you to know.  \r\n\r\n~Your Michael ','An Open Letter','','inherit','closed','closed','','301-revision-v1','','','2018-04-07 08:06:50','2018-04-07 12:06:50','',301,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=306',0,'revision','',0),(307,2,'2018-04-12 11:32:43','2018-04-12 15:32:43','My Dearest Wife,\r\n\r\nI\'m posting this here because I feel it is too personal for a wider audience.  I know you don\'t like our issues to be made public (despite your willingness to share personal stuff with others) so I thought I would put them here, where there is hardly any chance of it being seen by accident.\r\nThe picture you posted on DA clearly showed some anger or animosity toward me, and I think that is very unfair.  I would love it if it meant you had some romantic inclinations toward me (that would be awesome, actually, but I digress), but it seems like you are just looking for reasons to be mad at me.  it\'s easy to find fault if that is the case, but I don\'t do that to you, and I won\'t.  I will, however, tell you the truth, and defend myself whenever justice demands it.\r\nSo, to that end, a bit of explanation.  I don\'t know why you got upset at me, but I am sure you are, and it was likely the whole radio station thing that started it, and whatever comment I may have posted there.  First, and I mean this, there is no comparison in my life to what you and Savannah mean to me, and there will never will be.  I don\'t complain about you.  I don\'t bitch, I don\'t ask for capitulation or agreement on finding reasons to dislike you or be mad, because all I\'ve ever wanted is to love and be loved by you. I am reduced to saying it here, because of the restrictions you imposed on me, restrictions that do not apply to you, so if you ever wanted to talk to me, you could, by the way.  I\'ve had plenty of dark moments, and they are spent alone, missing you and Savannah.  I try not to spread my sadness or grief, so I don\'t talk to anyone during those times.  When I do talk about you, it\'s wishful and about all the reasons why I\'ve loved you from the start.  It\'s not like you would ever see them say \'I hate how she treats you\' pop up in messenger.  So, when I said someone was an awesome human being, it\'s because I knew they had been taking care of several of their family members financially, while dealing with all kinds of shit, and also volunteering to help homeless people, which included me.  Since I need all my cash in order to recover from that night, I figured it wouldn\'t hurt to say thank you by filling out the survey on the radio website.  I honestly did not think anything would come of it, but I figured it would at least be a nice thank you gesture.\r\nAnd that is it.  Are you mad because I said something positive about someone?  It wasn\'t a dig at you, cross my heart.  It wasn\'t part of an agenda or plan, or anything.  In fact, I\'ve been racking my brain for a week about your birthday, and here you are posting pics with an angry title/byline.  I swear by all that is real that I wasn\'t trying to insinuate anything, or get a reaction - I was simply trying to be a nice guy.  Period.  Nothing further than that.  If you asked anyone, including them, how I talk about you, you would get the same answer...\"that man loves you like nothing else\'.\r\nI\'ve said it before, and I\'ll say it again: There is no one who could ever replace you.  Ever.  I know this to the core of my being, and will go to my grave believing it.  \r\nI don\'t want to give up on us, but it seems like you want to...but if so, why the anger?  Why the snarky title?  Why change your DA name?  Because of my tattoo?  Is it meant to hurt me? Because it will, you certainly know that.  It is YOUR artwork on my chest, remember?\r\nI\'ve done nothing for you to react that strongly to.  I wish you would talk to me.  I want to get you some things for your birthday, but with my schedule, I\'ll likely won\'t drop them off to the Neutral Zone/former babysitter until your birthday.  I wanted to get you something that you and Savannah could enjoy/do together, so don\'t get mad at me for wanting to do something for you two, please. \r\nIt hurts so much that the person I love so much, can be that mad at me over nothing, that you can be mad at me simply because I love you.  I can\'t believe how you could be so loving one minute, and then the opposite in such a short amount of time, but despite all that, despite everything that has happened, and all the heartache I have felt...I love you still.  I am not angry.  I am sad, I am hurt, but I still want what I have always wanted.  To be able to love you and feel like I am loved back.  Plain and simple.  All I did for the last several years is try to be the perfect mate - I rubbed your back, talked with you, tried my best to give you all the attention I possibly could, both emotionally, intellectually, and physically.  I worked hard at a job I didn\'t always like so we could build a future together. You said I couldn\'t forgive, but I always did.  The only reason that it ever came up was when it was made to by it happening again...and again I\'d forgive you.  I always have, so why do you think this would be any different?  Yes, there have been times where I\'ve been hurt, been frustrated, even pissed, but never, ever, have I allowed any of that to make me love you less.  So no, I don\'t understand this need of yours to be angry at me now.  I can and would live without the past if you could let me.\r\nAgain, please don\'t blow anything out of proportion.  I have honestly done nothing to be mad at me for, unless it\'s because I seemed all happy in a comment.  To be honest, I\'m anything but - I cry on the way to and from work every day.  Every...day.  I barely sleep, and wake up in a panic attack every day.  You can try to distance yourself from me if you want, but all it does is hurt me more.  I have done nothing to try and hurt you in any way.  I don\'t want to hurt you - I want to have you and Savannah back, because I really think the issues you brought up aren\'t serious enough to destroy our relationship over.  For instance, you said you didn\'t want to \'be a Judy\' and go through what she went through with her father.  The only reason he even got like that, was because he lost the woman he loved.  You would never have to go through that.  It is unlikely my vision will go that soon, as I plan to have cataract surgery (I won\'t even need glasses after) and if I am allowed, I will stay as fit as I can for as long as I can, and you know how far I am willing to go to be there for you, how much you inspire me.  I would do whatever it took.\r\n I look at our pictures together when you discovered you were pregnant.  I see how you looked at me...I remember how we were, and I don\'t concentrate on the bad...I really don\'t.  Neither should you.  There were always more good things between us than bad, whether or not you want to admit that.  I always have said that anything worth having is worth fighting for, and I have done much to try and keep our relationship...because I gave you a promise, and took a vow.  Those were not just words.  You are not disposable, or someone I want to become just a part of my past.  I want to live happily with you and Savannah.  I didn\'t deserve to be treated like some sort of abuser just because I wanted to show you how happy you made me.  I think you were afraid perhaps, or unsure of the future, and looked for reasons to end things.  It\'s easier that way, perhaps.  Love isn\'t about easy, though.  You made me fall in love with you, and it will never be the same for me.  Ever.  I want to make your life better...I want to see you be creative and raise our child together.  Why is that wrong?  Why concentrate on all the unhappy times?  We have been so happy...we have been amazing, and created awesome works of art.  We\'ve spent nights together playing WoW and having tender moments.  Can\'t that be the focus?  I gave you so much of myself, and I loved being able to do so...do none of those moments matter?\r\nYes, you are my friend...my absolute best ever fucking friend, and my lover and my inspiration...my wife.  You and Savannah are my EVERYTHING.  Doesn\'t that count for anything?  I want YOU.  I love YOU.  Period.  I can\'t go back.  I can\'t hate you if I tried.  I can\'t even stay mad at you.  I just want to have a stable home, and a nice life...I want to enjoy as much time as I can with you and our daughter.  I\'m sorry if that isn\'t what you want...maybe it is, somewhere deep inside.  I keep praying, hoping, that part of you does.  I want to belong to YOU.  ONLY YOU.  I want to give you and Savannah special memories that will last a lifetime, happy ones that you both will cherish.  \r\nI want that with all my heart, and I am still hurting that you won\'t let me.  I hope your heart changes, and that you can see me like you did when we met. \r\nYou are still that woman to me, and it won\'t matter what you change your screen name to - you will always be My Dragonfly.\r\n\r\nI am forever,\r\nYour Michael\r\n','Explanations (for you)','','private','closed','closed','','explanations-for-you','','','2018-05-13 18:23:03','2018-05-13 22:23:03','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=307',0,'post','',0),(308,2,'2018-04-12 11:32:43','2018-04-12 15:32:43','My Dearest Wife,\r\n\r\nI\'m posting this here because I feel it is too personal for a wider audience.  I know you don\'t like our issues to be made public (despite your willingness to share personal stuff with others) so I thought I would put them here, where there is hardly any chance of it being seen by accident.\r\nThe picture you posted on DA clearly showed some anger or animosity toward me, and I think that is very unfair.  I would love it if it meant you had some romantic inclinations toward me (that would be awesome, actually, but I digress), but it seems like you are just looking for reasons to be mad at me.  it\'s easy to find fault if that is the case, but I don\'t do that to you, and I won\'t.  I will, however, tell you the truth, and defend myself whenever justice demands it.\r\nSo, to that end, a bit of explanation.  I don\'t know why you got upset at me, but I am sure you are, and it was likely the whole radio station thing that started it, and whatever comment I may have posted there.  First, and I mean this, there is no comparison in my life to what you and Savannah mean to me, and there will never will be.  I don\'t complain about you.  I don\'t bitch, I don\'t ask for capitulation or agreement on finding reasons to dislike you or be mad, because all I\'ve ever wanted is to love and be loved by you. I am reduced to saying it here, because of the restrictions you imposed on me, restrictions that do not apply to you, so if you ever wanted to talk to me, you could, by the way.  I\'ve had plenty of dark moments, and they are spent alone, missing you and Savannah.  I try not to spread my sadness or grief, so I don\'t talk to anyone during those times.  When I do talk about you, it\'s wishful and about all the reasons why I\'ve loved you from the start.  It\'s not like you would ever see them say \'I hate how she treats you\' pop up in messenger.  So, when I said someone was an awesome human being, it\'s because I knew they had been taking care of several of their family members financially, while dealing with all kinds of shit, and also volunteering to help homeless people, which included me.  Since I need all my cash in order to recover from that night, I figured it wouldn\'t hurt to say thank you by filling out the survey on the radio website.  I honestly did not think anything would come of it, but I figured it would at least be a nice thank you gesture.\r\nAnd that is it.  Are you mad because I said something positive about someone?  It wasn\'t a dig at you, cross my heart.  It wasn\'t part of an agenda or plan, or anything.  In fact, I\'ve been racking my brain for a week about your birthday, and here you are posting pics with an angry title/byline.  I swear by all that is real that I wasn\'t trying to insinuate anything, or get a reaction - I was simply trying to be a nice guy.  Period.  Nothing further than that.  If you asked anyone, including them, how I talk about you, you would get the same answer...\"that man loves you like nothing else\'.\r\nI\'ve said it before, and I\'ll say it again: There is no one who could ever replace you.  Ever.  I know this to the core of my being, and will go to my grave believing it.  \r\nI don\'t want to give up on us, but it seems like you want to...but if so, why the anger?  Why the snarky title?  Why change your DA name?  Because of my tattoo?  Is it meant to hurt me? Because it will, you certainly know that.  It is YOUR artwork on my chest, remember?\r\nI\'ve done nothing for you to react that strongly to.  I wish you would talk to me.  I want to get you some things for your birthday, but with my schedule, I\'ll likely won\'t drop them off to the Neutral Zone/former babysitter until your birthday.  I wanted to get you something that you and Savannah could enjoy/do together, so don\'t get mad at me for wanting to do something for you two, please. \r\nIt hurts so much that the person I love so much, can be that mad at me over nothing, that you can be mad at me simply because I love you.  I can\'t believe how you could be so loving one minute, and then the opposite in such a short amount of time, but despite all that, despite everything that has happened, and all the heartache I have felt...I love you still.  I am not angry.  I am sad, I am hurt, but I still want what I have always wanted.  To be able to love you and feel like I am loved back.  Plain and simple.  All I did for the last several years is try to be the perfect mate - I rubbed your back, talked with you, tried my best to give you all the attention I possibly could, both emotionally, intellectually, and physically.  I worked hard at a job I didn\'t always like so we could build a future together. You said I couldn\'t forgive, but I always did.  The only reason that it ever came up was when it was made to by it happening again...and again I\'d forgive you.  I always have, so why do you think this would be any different?  Yes, there have been times where I\'ve been hurt, been frustrated, even pissed, but never, ever, have I allowed any of that to make me love you less.  So no, I don\'t understand this need of yours to be angry at me now.  I can and would live without the past if you could let me.\r\nAgain, please don\'t blow anything out of proportion.  I have honestly done nothing to be mad at me for, unless it\'s because I seemed all happy in a comment.  To be honest, I\'m anything but - I cry on the way to and from work every day.  Every...day.  I barely sleep, and wake up in a panic attack every day.  You can try to distance yourself from me if you want, but all it does is hurt me more.  I have done nothing to try and hurt you in any way.  I don\'t want to hurt you - I want to have you and Savannah back, because I really think the issues you brought up aren\'t serious enough to destroy our relationship over.  For instance, you said you didn\'t want to \'be a Judy\' and go through what she went through with her father.  The only reason he even got like that, was because he lost the woman he loved.  You would never have to go through that.  It is unlikely my vision will go that soon, as I plan to have cataract surgery (I won\'t even need glasses after) and if I am allowed, I will stay as fit as I can for as long as I can, and you know how far I am willing to go to be there for you, how much you inspire me.  I would do whatever it took.\r\n I look at our pictures together when you discovered you were pregnant.  I see how you looked at me...I remember how we were, and I don\'t concentrate on the bad...I really don\'t.  Neither should you.  There were always more good things between us than bad, whether or not you want to admit that.  I always have said that anything worth having is worth fighting for, and I have done much to try and keep our relationship...because I gave you a promise, and took a vow.  Those were not just words.  You are not disposable, or someone I want to become just a part of my past.  I want to live happily with you and Savannah.  I didn\'t deserve to be treated like some sort of abuser just because I wanted to show you how happy you made me.  I think you were afraid perhaps, or unsure of the future, and looked for reasons to end things.  It\'s easier that way, perhaps.  Love isn\'t about easy, though.  You made me fall in love with you, and it will never be the same for me.  Ever.  I want to make your life better...I want to see you be creative and raise our child together.  Why is that wrong?  Why concentrate on all the unhappy times?  We have been so happy...we have been amazing, and created awesome works of art.  We\'ve spent nights together playing WoW and having tender moments.  Can\'t that be the focus?  I gave you so much of myself, and I loved being able to do so...do none of those moments matter?\r\nYes, you are my friend...my absolute best ever fucking friend, and my lover and my inspiration...my wife.  You and Savannah are my EVERYTHING.  Doesn\'t that count for anything?  I want YOU.  I love YOU.  Period.  I can\'t go back.  I can\'t hate you if I tried.  I can\'t even stay mad at you.  I just want to have a stable home, and a nice life...I want to enjoy as much time as I can with you and our daughter.  I\'m sorry if that isn\'t what you want...maybe it is, somewhere deep inside.  I keep praying, hoping, that part of you does.  I want to belong to YOU.  ONLY YOU.  I want to give you and Savannah special memories that will last a lifetime, happy ones that you both will cherish.  \r\nI want that with all my heart, and I am still hurting that you won\'t let me.  I hope your heart changes, and that you can see me like you did when we met. \r\nYou are still that woman to me, and it won\'t matter what you change your screen name to - you will always be My Dragonfly.\r\n\r\nI am forever,\r\nYour Michael\r\n','Explanations (for you)','','inherit','closed','closed','','307-revision-v1','','','2018-04-12 11:32:43','2018-04-12 15:32:43','',307,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=308',0,'revision','',0),(310,2,'2018-05-28 21:53:46','0000-00-00 00:00:00','How did I get here? Let\'s look over the last six years or so and see what really led to this...\nI am a man who gave you everything he could.  I never lied to you.  I worked my ass off to take care of you Savannah, and to give us a home.  I always listened to you and tried to do my best for you.  I believed your promises and what I was told and gave up everything, changed my entire world around more than once, just to be with you.  I adored and worshiped you.\nAnd what happened?  I got cheated on - repeatedly - lied to - over and over again.  I have been criticized and demonized to people I haven\'t met, and disrespected by lowlife pieces of crap that have no morals and are willing to take the chance of coming after my wife.  I have suffered indignities over and over again as you worked to get me to stop loving you.  All of this after you got me to fall in love with you in the first place.\nWhy cause me all this pain?  Why hurt someone who has done NOTHING but show you time and again how much they love you?  I never beat you, or put you down.  I may have said one or two things out of turn when I was frustrated over the course of our relationship, but never to the degree that you have done to me.  Nowhere even close.  You have been downright mean to me on more than one occasion, and if we are being completely honest here (and I am), have done more than enough to deserve the same treatment I\'ve been given.  You attack me verbally and physically, and you get a pass. I kick a dresser out of frustration when all I wanted was to hold my wife and I get this?  More lies and and a criminal charge?\nSeriously - what the fuck?  \nThen, like always, I forgive and do my best to express how I feel for you, and I get nastiness from you in return?  What good does that serve?  Does it make you feel good to hurt someone who has only tried their best to show you love?  I rubbed your back every night...touched you until you fell asleep. I lived to see your smile, and that of my daughter.\nAnd then you go online, and complain about...what?  I\"m a bad guy because I don\'t want to be cheated on and lied to?  In that end that was all it was.  ','Wounds','','draft','closed','closed','','','','','2018-05-28 21:53:46','2018-05-29 01:53:46','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=310',0,'post','',0),(311,2,'2018-04-13 07:02:06','2018-04-13 11:02:06','How did I get here? Let\'s look over the last six years or so and see what really led to this...\r\nI am a man who gave you everything he could.  I never lied to you.  I worked my ass off to take care of Savannah, and to give us a home.  I always listened to you and tried to do my best for you.  I believed your promises and what I was told and gave up everything, changed my entire world around, just to be with you.','Wounds','','inherit','closed','closed','','310-revision-v1','','','2018-04-13 07:02:06','2018-04-13 11:02:06','',310,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=311',0,'revision','',0),(312,2,'2018-04-13 07:17:46','2018-04-13 11:17:46','How did I get here? Let\'s look over the last six years or so and see what really led to this...\r\nI am a man who gave you everything he could.  I never lied to you.  I worked my ass off to take care of you Savannah, and to give us a home.  I always listened to you and tried to do my best for you.  I believed your promises and what I was told and gave up everything, changed my entire world around more than once, just to be with you.  I adored and worshiped you.\r\nAnd what happened?  I got cheated on - repeatedly - lied to - over and over again.  I have been criticized and demonized to people I haven\'t met, and disrespected by lowlife pieces of crap that have no morals and are willing to take the chance of coming after my wife.  I have suffered indignities over and over again as you worked to get me to stop loving you.  All of this after you got me to fall in love with you in the first place.\r\nWhy cause me all this pain?  Why hurt someone who has done NOTHING but show you time and again how much they love you?  I never beat you, or put you down.  I may have said one or two things out of turn when I was frustrated over the course of our relationship, but never to the degree that you have done to me.  Nowhere even close.  You have been downright mean to me on more than one occasion, and if we are being completely honest here (and I am), have done more than enough to deserve the same treatment I\'ve been given.  You attack me verbally and physically, and you get a pass. I kick a dresser out of frustration when all I wanted was to hold my wife and I get this?  More lies and and a criminal charge?\r\nSeriously - what the fuck?  \r\nThen, like always, I forgive and do my best to express how I feel for you, and I get nastiness from you in return?  What good does that serve?  Does it make you feel good to hurt someone who has only tried their best to show you love?  I rubbed your back every night...touched you until you fell asleep. I lived to see your smile, and that of my daughter.\r\nAnd then you go online, and complain about...what?  I\"m a bad guy because I don\'t want to be cheated on and lied to?  In that end that was all it was.  ','Wounds','','inherit','closed','closed','','310-revision-v1','','','2018-04-13 07:17:46','2018-04-13 11:17:46','',310,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=312',0,'revision','',0),(313,2,'2018-04-14 10:17:50','2018-04-14 14:17:50','My Dearest Michelle,\r\n\r\nI want to wish you a Happy Birthday.  I wish more than anything I could be spending it with you, and even more so that you would want to share it with me.  I would have made you breakfast in bed, and done my best to give you a special weekend.  \r\nI got you a card, and picked up a couple inexpensive outfits for Savannah.  The card does not say everything I want to say - I doubt one exists, and I don\'t have the space like I used to to make one for you.  I hope that changes in the near future.  I wanted to get you some clothes, but I don\'t know either of your sizes at present, so I just got her a few outfits, and a little toy.  Don\'t worry - there\'s not a sappy, sixteen page letter waiting for you in the card.  Just one sentence about how I feel for you.\r\nI also got you and Savannah a gift card so you two could have some fun time together.  I know every day is pretty much magic with our little one, but I wanted to give you two something, and that is what I came up with, since she is too young to skydive.  I don\'t have a lot of cash, but I figured it would be better than a blouse or jewelry. \r\nAnd I want you to know that I\'m sorry.  I\'m sorry I am this age.  I wish I wasn\'t.  I don\'t feel my age, especially when I am with you and Savannah.  I\"m sorry I don\'t excite you like I used to.  I\'m sorry that you feel you have to push me away.  I always have forgiven you for everything, because to me, you have always been worth the struggle, worth whatever I had to go through in order to have such a woman in my life.  You are the woman of my dreams, and always will be.  I\'m sorry for anything and everything that made me less in your eyes, if I ever had a real place at all.  I hope I did.  I\'d like to believe that, for even a short time, I was special to you.\r\nI hope you have a wonderful day today.  I hope you hold your daughter close and let her know she is loved.  I secretly hope you will stop by my work long enough to pick up your present, but I will do my best to get it to JoAnn\'s after work, because...reality.  I hope you were able to go skydiving again and that you will accept my gifts to you both.  I want to do more, and will keep trying my best.\r\nHappy Birthday.  I miss you, and I love you.\r\n\r\nForever,\r\nYour Michael','Happy Birthday, Dragonfly','','private','closed','closed','','happy-birthday-dragonfly','','','2018-05-13 18:22:36','2018-05-13 22:22:36','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=313',0,'post','',0),(314,2,'2018-04-14 10:17:50','2018-04-14 14:17:50','My Dearest Michelle,\r\n\r\nI want to wish you a Happy Birthday.  I wish more than anything I could be spending it with you, and even more so that you would want to share it with me.  I would have made you breakfast in bed, and done my best to give you a special weekend.  \r\nI got you a card, and picked up a couple inexpensive outfits for Savannah.  The card does not say everything I want to say - I doubt one exists, and I don\'t have the space like I used to to make one for you.  I hope that changes in the near future.  I wanted to get you some clothes, but I don\'t know either of your sizes at present, so I just got her a few outfits, and a little toy.  Don\'t worry - there\'s not a sappy, sixteen page letter waiting for you in the card.  Just one sentence about how I feel for you.\r\nI also got you and Savannah a gift card so you two could have some fun time together.  I know every day is pretty much magic with our little one, but I wanted to give you two something, and that is what I came up with, since she is too young to skydive.  I don\'t have a lot of cash, but I figured it would be better than a blouse or jewelry. \r\nAnd I want you to know that I\'m sorry.  I\'m sorry I am this age.  I wish I wasn\'t.  I don\'t feel my age, especially when I am with you and Savannah.  I\"m sorry I don\'t excite you like I used to.  I\'m sorry that you feel you have to push me away.  I always have forgiven you for everything, because to me, you have always been worth the struggle, worth whatever I had to go through in order to have such a woman in my life.  You are the woman of my dreams, and always will be.  I\'m sorry for anything and everything that made me less in your eyes, if I ever had a real place at all.  I hope I did.  I\'d like to believe that, for even a short time, I was special to you.\r\nI hope you have a wonderful day today.  I hope you hold your daughter close and let her know she is loved.  I secretly hope you will stop by my work long enough to pick up your present, but I will do my best to get it to JoAnn\'s after work, because...reality.  I hope you were able to go skydiving again and that you will accept my gifts to you both.  I want to do more, and will keep trying my best.\r\nHappy Birthday.  I miss you, and I love you.\r\n\r\nForever,\r\nYour Michael','Happy Birthday, Dragonfly','','inherit','closed','closed','','313-revision-v1','','','2018-04-14 10:17:50','2018-04-14 14:17:50','',313,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=314',0,'revision','',0),(315,2,'2018-04-17 22:50:54','2018-04-18 02:50:54','I was under a lot of stress the last few days, and I did not state things exactly as I wished to when I saw the table you are painting.  I haven\'t checked my page lately, so I haven\'t seen if there was a response to my earlier status, but I wanted to write this beforehand to help clarify things.  You have always been a wonderful artist, and I wanted more than anything to be able to paint with you.  I wanted to make things with you, and when we had enough pieces, sell all the ones we wanted to at a show.  So yes, to see you producing painted furniture like we made together under a different name, it hurt.  I tried to convince you many times that you should paint more, and loved doing that with you.  That was my initial reaction, but there is more to it than that.  \r\nDid you ever wonder if perhaps the Universe was trying to tell you something?\r\nIt seems you are enjoying using what I taught you, which I do recall voicing my belief that you would, whenever the subject arose.  I know I spoke about that topic quite a bit, especially when we met.  I look at pictures of you working on the furniture with me back in the day - the moon man vanity, the chest we build and painted together, and what I see is both serious artist and a woman enjoying herself.  In one conversation in one of our last few months together, I suggested that maybe you would be happier not working in your job. I would find a way to make enough for us to pay the bills and you could stay home and paint and play with Savannah.  It just seemed like a pleasant life to me, and I suggested it for that reason.\r\nWe were awesome together in our work.  We made some beautiful things.  Maybe the Universe agreed with me, and you are seeing it like I did.  Maybe things are happening for a reason, but not the reason you may have thought.  Maybe, just maybe, it is trying to show you part of the life you were meant to have.  With me.  Maybe listening to your husband every now and again wasn\'t a bad thing.  Maybe you could still have that life.  Maybe you were meant to paint furniture with me, and go to shows, travel, and have people tell you what an awesome artist you are, and pay out the ass for your work, while your husband handles the stressful/boring parts. Maybe you and your husband were meant to then use this money to go to some fantastic places, and take incredible pictures of our daughter, together. \r\nJust a thought.\r\nI\'m sorry if you thought I was pushing you around.  I was simply trying my best to try to inspire you - because I believed we could both be happy and make art at the same time.  I was that impressed by your talent, but at the heart of it all, I just wanted us to be happy.  There may have been times when I said things out of frustration and exhaustion, but for the last few years, all I\'ve tried to do was be positive.  I know there were times I stated how things made me feel, but in my defense, I didn\'t want to be in those talks in the first place. I don\'t like saying anything negative about you.  I never have, and again, in my defense, you criticized me quite a bit, and I feel it was more than I ever put you down.  For my part, I am sorry if I affected you on the level you are saying, for I never held things against you, and never felt as strongly against you as you think.  From what I remember, anything I said negative was said either during an argument (which I never wanted to have) or during times of stress coupled with pain and frustration. I only ever wanted to build you up, and walk with you, and never to tear you down, honestly.  I wish we had talked about that more.  It\'s one of the things a counselor would have addressed, if only we had gone like I wanted, because I wanted to fix the problems, whatever they were, and was more than willing to do whatever was needed to fix things from my end.  I wish you had let me.\r\nI still want to be with you.  I never wanted you to feel anything bad.  I think most of the problems we had, if not all of them, can be fixed. I really do.\r\nIn the meantime, I am glad to see your art. It, like you, is beautiful.\r\n\r\nForever,\r\nYour Michael','Painting','','private','closed','closed','','painting','','','2018-05-13 18:22:09','2018-05-13 22:22:09','',0,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=315',0,'post','',0),(316,2,'2018-04-17 22:50:54','2018-04-18 02:50:54','I was under a lot of stress the last few days, and I did not state things exactly as I wished to when I saw the table you are painting.  I haven\'t checked my page lately, so I haven\'t seen if there was a response to my earlier status, but I wanted to write this beforehand to help clarify things.  You have always been a wonderful artist, and I wanted more than anything to be able to paint with you.  I wanted to make things with you, and when we had enough pieces, sell all the ones we wanted to at a show.  So yes, to see you producing painted furniture like we made together under a different name, it hurt.  I tried to convince you many times that you should paint more, and loved doing that with you.  That was my initial reaction, but there is more to it than that.  \r\nDid you ever wonder if perhaps the Universe was trying to tell you something?\r\nIt seems you are enjoying using what I taught you, which I do recall voicing my belief that you would, whenever the subject arose.  I know I spoke about that topic quite a bit, especially when we met.  I look at pictures of you working on the furniture with me back in the day - the moon man vanity, the chest we build and painted together, and what I see is both serious artist and a woman enjoying herself.  In one conversation in one of our last few months together, I suggested that maybe you would be happier not working in your job. I would find a way to make enough for us to pay the bills and you could stay home and paint and play with Savannah.  It just seemed like a pleasant life to me, and I suggested it for that reason.\r\nWe were awesome together in our work.  We made some beautiful things.  Maybe the Universe agreed with me, and you are seeing it like I did.  Maybe things are happening for a reason, but not the reason you may have thought.  Maybe, just maybe, it is trying to show you part of the life you were meant to have.  With me.  Maybe listening to your husband every now and again wasn\'t a bad thing.  Maybe you could still have that life.  Maybe you were meant to paint furniture with me, and go to shows, travel, and have people tell you what an awesome artist you are, and pay out the ass for your work, while your husband handles the stressful/boring parts. Maybe you and your husband were meant to then use this money to go to some fantastic places, and take incredible pictures of our daughter, together. \r\nJust a thought.','Painting','','inherit','closed','closed','','315-revision-v1','','','2018-04-17 22:50:54','2018-04-18 02:50:54','',315,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=316',0,'revision','',0),(317,2,'2018-04-17 23:49:19','2018-04-18 03:49:19','I was under a lot of stress the last few days, and I did not state things exactly as I wished to when I saw the table you are painting.  I haven\'t checked my page lately, so I haven\'t seen if there was a response to my earlier status, but I wanted to write this beforehand to help clarify things.  You have always been a wonderful artist, and I wanted more than anything to be able to paint with you.  I wanted to make things with you, and when we had enough pieces, sell all the ones we wanted to at a show.  So yes, to see you producing painted furniture like we made together under a different name, it hurt.  I tried to convince you many times that you should paint more, and loved doing that with you.  That was my initial reaction, but there is more to it than that.  \nDid you ever wonder if perhaps the Universe was trying to tell you something?\nIt seems you are enjoying using what I taught you, which I do recall voicing my belief that you would, whenever the subject arose.  I know I spoke about that topic quite a bit, especially when we met.  I look at pictures of you working on the furniture with me back in the day - the moon man vanity, the chest we build and painted together, and what I see is both serious artist and a woman enjoying herself.  In one conversation in one of our last few months together, I suggested that maybe you would be happier not working in your job. I would find a way to make enough for us to pay the bills and you could stay home and paint and play with Savannah.  It just seemed like a pleasant life to me, and I suggested it for that reason.\nWe were awesome together in our work.  We made some beautiful things.  Maybe the Universe agreed with me, and you are seeing it like I did.  Maybe things are happening for a reason, but not the reason you may have thought.  Maybe, just maybe, it is trying to show you part of the life you were meant to have.  With me.  Maybe listening to your husband every now and again wasn\'t a bad thing.  Maybe you could still have that life.  Maybe you were meant to paint furniture with me, and go to shows, travel, and have people tell you what an awesome artist you are, and pay out the ass for your work, while your husband handles the stressful/boring parts. Maybe you and your husband were meant to then use this money to go to some fantastic places, and take incredible pictures of our daughter, together. \nJust a thought.\nI\'m sorry if you thought I was pushing you around.  I was simply trying my best to try to inspire you - because I believed we could both be happy and make art at the same time.  I was that impressed by your talent, but at the heart of it all, I just wanted us to be happy.  There may have been times when I said things out of frustration and exhaustion, but for the last few years, all I\'ve tried to do was be positive.  I know there were times I stated how things made me feel, but in my defense, I didn\'t want to be in those talks in the first place. I don\'t like saying anything negative about you.  I never have, and again, in my defense, you criticized me quite a bit, and I feel it was more than I ever put you down.  For my part, I am sorry if I affected you on the level you are saying, for I never held things against you, and never felt as strongly against you as you think.  From what I remember, anything I said negative was said either during an argument (which I never wanted to have) or during times of stress coupled with pain and frustration. I only ever wanted to build you up, and walk with you, and never to tear you down, honestly.  I wish we had talked about that more.  It\'s one of the things a counselor would have addressed, if only we had gone like I wanted, because I wanted to fix the problems, whatever they were, and was more than willing to do whatever was needed to fix things from my end.  I wish you had let me.\nI still want to be with you.  I never wanted you to feel anything bad.  I think most of the problems we had, if not all of them, can be fixed. I really do.\nIn the meantime, I am glad to see your art. It, like you, is beautiful.\n\nForever,\nYour Michael','Painting','','inherit','closed','closed','','315-autosave-v1','','','2018-04-17 23:49:19','2018-04-18 03:49:19','',315,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=317',0,'revision','',0),(318,2,'2018-04-17 23:49:24','2018-04-18 03:49:24','I was under a lot of stress the last few days, and I did not state things exactly as I wished to when I saw the table you are painting.  I haven\'t checked my page lately, so I haven\'t seen if there was a response to my earlier status, but I wanted to write this beforehand to help clarify things.  You have always been a wonderful artist, and I wanted more than anything to be able to paint with you.  I wanted to make things with you, and when we had enough pieces, sell all the ones we wanted to at a show.  So yes, to see you producing painted furniture like we made together under a different name, it hurt.  I tried to convince you many times that you should paint more, and loved doing that with you.  That was my initial reaction, but there is more to it than that.  \r\nDid you ever wonder if perhaps the Universe was trying to tell you something?\r\nIt seems you are enjoying using what I taught you, which I do recall voicing my belief that you would, whenever the subject arose.  I know I spoke about that topic quite a bit, especially when we met.  I look at pictures of you working on the furniture with me back in the day - the moon man vanity, the chest we build and painted together, and what I see is both serious artist and a woman enjoying herself.  In one conversation in one of our last few months together, I suggested that maybe you would be happier not working in your job. I would find a way to make enough for us to pay the bills and you could stay home and paint and play with Savannah.  It just seemed like a pleasant life to me, and I suggested it for that reason.\r\nWe were awesome together in our work.  We made some beautiful things.  Maybe the Universe agreed with me, and you are seeing it like I did.  Maybe things are happening for a reason, but not the reason you may have thought.  Maybe, just maybe, it is trying to show you part of the life you were meant to have.  With me.  Maybe listening to your husband every now and again wasn\'t a bad thing.  Maybe you could still have that life.  Maybe you were meant to paint furniture with me, and go to shows, travel, and have people tell you what an awesome artist you are, and pay out the ass for your work, while your husband handles the stressful/boring parts. Maybe you and your husband were meant to then use this money to go to some fantastic places, and take incredible pictures of our daughter, together. \r\nJust a thought.\r\nI\'m sorry if you thought I was pushing you around.  I was simply trying my best to try to inspire you - because I believed we could both be happy and make art at the same time.  I was that impressed by your talent, but at the heart of it all, I just wanted us to be happy.  There may have been times when I said things out of frustration and exhaustion, but for the last few years, all I\'ve tried to do was be positive.  I know there were times I stated how things made me feel, but in my defense, I didn\'t want to be in those talks in the first place. I don\'t like saying anything negative about you.  I never have, and again, in my defense, you criticized me quite a bit, and I feel it was more than I ever put you down.  For my part, I am sorry if I affected you on the level you are saying, for I never held things against you, and never felt as strongly against you as you think.  From what I remember, anything I said negative was said either during an argument (which I never wanted to have) or during times of stress coupled with pain and frustration. I only ever wanted to build you up, and walk with you, and never to tear you down, honestly.  I wish we had talked about that more.  It\'s one of the things a counselor would have addressed, if only we had gone like I wanted, because I wanted to fix the problems, whatever they were, and was more than willing to do whatever was needed to fix things from my end.  I wish you had let me.\r\nI still want to be with you.  I never wanted you to feel anything bad.  I think most of the problems we had, if not all of them, can be fixed. I really do.\r\nIn the meantime, I am glad to see your art. It, like you, is beautiful.\r\n\r\nForever,\r\nYour Michael','Painting','','inherit','closed','closed','','315-revision-v1','','','2018-04-17 23:49:24','2018-04-18 03:49:24','',315,'http://michaelvain.net/news/?p=318',0,'revision','',0),