This is an open letter, written on my personal site.  It has not and will not be sent to any other source by any means.

Dear Michelle,

I don't know how much longer I can deal with the pain and the depression I have been caused, not only by recent events, but throughout my life.  I was honest when I told you all I had left was the part of me that I gave to you, and it was one of the most honest, personal things I've ever told anyone.  I have been on the edge of a breakdown for quite some time, brought on by the pain, loneliness, depression, and heartbreak that comes not only with losing the ONE person I knew I could be happy with, but with the constant cycle of doing all I can, only to have it taken from me over and over by whatever instrument the Universe chose to use. It has left me unable to enjoy anything - none of the things I used to like to do hold any attraction to me any more.  I can't sleep.  I can barely eat.  I can't think of you or Savannah without crying.  Ever.  And no matter how I look on the outside, inside I am nothing but torn and broken.
I wish you had actually listened, even once, to what I was trying to say to you without countering it with an argument.  I wasn't trying to change you, I was trying to share how I felt so we could make things better.
If you had tried to tell me what you really wanted out of me, I would have given it to you.  I hope you know that.  So much pain and stress, so many unpleasant moments, and they could all have been avoided.  They were all unnecessary.  
I thought we were finally on the path to happiness.  Two weeks before our split, I was planning on taking you to the Caribbean to renew our vows, and was planning on how to afford another baby into our lives.
Regardless of what you think of me, I only wanted to make you happy.  I wanted to be the man that put a smile on that beautiful face.  It was a simple, noble wish, and it has cost me everything.
I wanted every day to be like that day on the beach, like that day you played Ray-Man and I made you laugh.  A simple enough thing for anyone else, but for me, no.  I am to be forever denied the simple things I wanted out of life, and instead am living in a personal hell of depression and loss.
I'm not writing this to change your mind.  I'm not 'trying' anything.  I just wanted to say some things to you, and since I can't, this is my only option.
I don't think you are going to have to worry about what I may say, either to Savannah or anyone else, because I have come to believe that I simply not strong enough for this.  I'm not saying this for pity - I"ve learned firsthand there is none to be had anyway.  I'm simply telling the one person I used to be able to talk to that I feel like I'm reaching the end.  I fought so hard, became so upset when things went wrong, because I never wanted to be where I am now.  I knew my limits, and I foresaw an end that I knew I could not take.  After all I've been through, I knew I just could not take losing everything again in my life.
I saw you as my savior, and despite the pain, you have given me some of the most precious, happiest, memorable, beautiful experiences in my life.  Just so you know.  I'll never be able to express how much you mean, and have meant, to me.  If I could be granted just one wish in the afterlife, it would be to live in one of those moments for all eternity.
When you were talking to Britt, and told me you were only staying so you wouldn't hurt me, I pretty much broke down on the floor.  Do you remember?  That is how I feel every minute of every day, and though it may brand me as pathetic, a coward, or whatever, I have no way to break free of that sense of overwhelming loss and sadness.  It has been hammered home that there is nothing I could have done to prevent this - it was only a matter of time until you pushed me to show some sort of reaction that you could blame me for, what is known as 'reactive abuse'.  It was all so unnecessary; every part of me wanted us to be happy.  
I want you to know that had you given me that year, I would have made every effort to give you whatever you thought was missing from your life, or whatever you wanted.  Had you communicated with me gently, I would have listened.  I couldn't change my age, but anything else I would have done. 
If you want, you can have all my WoW pets and gear.  I won't be needing them any more.  If you want them, you can let me know - there is no order saying you can't contact me.  I just can't talk to the one woman I considered the best friend I ever had. I won't read into it or ask for anything more if you do.  I just won't be playing any more, and don't want to sit all night giving shit away to people I don't know.
Likewise with the stuff in Ohio.  If you want the armoire, or anything else in there, I will leave you the key should anything happen, and try to have the unit paid up in advance.  
I'm sorry I wasn't the kind of strong you needed.  I am sorry more than I can say for whatever it was that made you lose your love for me.  It is the saddest, most tragic event in my life, and I felt powerless to stop it from happening.  I'm sorry I allowed myself to get frustrated at the pain, both physical and emotional, that plagued me.  If you had met me before the accident, or had I listened to the signs and not got in that truck, then you would have seen more of the real me.  I could handle one or the other, but both over time was more than I could take without expressing it, and for that I am profoundly sorry. It has been my fate to always try to do the right thing, and in the end pay the price regardless.  I've tried everything I know to stop that from happening, but failed in that too. I made too many mistakes over the years, and try as I might, I just couldn't recover enough to give us the life we both deserved together. I'd like to think that if I had made other choices, maybe I would have stood a chance.  To think it would have made no difference is not something I even want to contemplate.
I am sorry you feel you have to hurt me this way.  I have nothing to prove, and nothing left to lose.  I'm not being sarcastic.  Something must be driving you, and for whatever it was, I am sorry you have had any unpleasantness in your life.  Maybe if I go, things will be better. Regardless of when it happens, I will be thinking of you and Savannah in the end, and they will be the happiest memories I can conjure. I said I wanted your face to be the last thing I saw in this life, and it will be, even if it through the lens of memory.
I hope you have a happy life. I wish I could have been a part of it. I wanted that more than I've ever wanted anything, and that is not an exaggeration, or part of an agenda.  It is the only thing I've ever truly wanted - more than fame or money or possessions.
Thank you for the time you spent with me when you pretended to be happy.  I believed it, and just as having to let you go more than once was the most pain I've ever felt, when I thought you were happy were the happiest times of my life.  At least I had a few months where I was really, truly, happy, and for that, thank you.
I don't really have the capacity for anger at all any more.  All I feel is loss, depression, sadness, and loneliness.  I wish you had been able to heal me in a better way, before it was too late.
In a word, I wish I had been the man you really wanted.  I wanted to be, still want to be, more than anything, and I don't even understand why, other than I love you more than I've loved anyone except my children.  No one else understands either, but I don't care.  They haven't lived my life, and will never understand.
I wish I had begun writing earlier, had made it to college and been someone you could be proud of.  It meant so much to me. It still would, but I don't dare hope any more - it's a feeling I can't afford. Still, it would be nice to leave behind more of my writing.  I hope you show Savannah pictures of me one day, and have something, anything, nice to say about me.  Like the song said (the one you blasted me on FB when I was feeling blue) "you are the only thing I like about me". Savannah too, of course, for she is an extension of the love we once shared.  I'll always be tangled up in you, Michelle, and if that makes you angry, I'm sorry for that too.  I can't help how I feel, never could, nor do I want to.
I'm sorry I held on to you so tightly.  If you could look inside me, feel the way I feel, then maybe you would understand.  I wish I could do that. I wish I could hear 'I love you' come from your lips one last time, even though I know better. Meeting you, our courtship, and our trip together (along with so many other moments) were the happiest times I had in this life.  I knew if you were with me, I could face eternity in peace, but lacking that, I will face it knowing it will at least be an end to the pain.
I am sorry for every disappointment, every let down, every harsh word, every bad thought, every single time I displeased you. I wish I could take them all back, but I can't, and those memories are too painful for me to bear. If you had ever let me, I would have done my absolute best to make up for them.  In failing you, I failed myself, in the harshest of ways, and if it can't be fixed, then I am done - I just don't have the strength any more to keep trying.
Again, I'm not looking for anything - I just wanted you to know my heart.
I don't know if you will even read this, but it will be there in case you ever want to know.  
I'll never forget the sound of your voice...the texture of your skin, or the look you used to give me, or how it felt when you smiled at me. Regardless of how many words I write, I will never come close to expressing how I felt, and feel, about you, My Dragonfly. Holding you was beyond Heaven, and if I showed despair at the prospect of losing that, it was because you were that important to me.  You and Savannah have been my only source of lasting happiness since my accident, and provided me with the most profound moments of my life.  Thank you for those.
I'm sorry I still love you.  I don't want to cause anyone any pain, especially myself, but I can't help the way I feel.  I've tried to stop, but I can't, and I don't want to feel this way any more.  I hope one day, you will forgive me.

Although I am not to you, to me, I am still

Your Michael


