Dear Michelle,
I read your status this morning.  I had a long week, and went to bed early, so when I read your status this morning, I didn't know if you posted that as an invitation, or as a way of telling me that you now had more online male friends to console you.  I'm not being mean, but the 'give your baby girl away' was particularly hurtful, so I didn't know how to take your post, and came away feeling, again, alone and hurt for no other reason than for loving you.
I remember you telling me that your dad wanted to help move our stuff back from Ohio.  I don't know if that was really what was going on, or if it was just the beginnings of a plan to go back home without me.  You and Savannah were the highlights of my life, and gave me more happiness than I had experienced in a long time.  For you to treat me like you have has left me feeling completely empty.  I was always truthful to you about what I thought my own issues to be.   All through our relationship, I've been honest as to why I've acted the way I did at a certain time.  Any temper I've had has always been expressed through words, and the rare display of physical expression has always been limited to say, kicking a dresser.  I don't punch holes in walls, and I sure as hell wouldn't hit you...on those rare occasions where I am pushed to the point of frustration and despair, yeah, I smack a wall (not punch) or an armrest in a car, and then I'm done...I've expressed my helplessness.  You were told this by both Kali and I , and I've never strayed from that.  The thing is, if you had let me, I would never have been that frustrated in the first place.  On those times where I knew I had been wrong, I admitted it, apologized, and did my  best to not let it happen again.
I think perhaps I expected too much out of you when we first got together.  Going from not having any responsibility other than to yourself, to having certain changes suddenly imposed by living together long term, may have been hard on you, and since I was the one needing to work while you finished college, I may have been more critical of you than I was aware of at the time.  In my defense, I was in a lot more pain then; it has taken me some time to progress from the injuries I had.  As time went on, I tried to pick up more of the actual work, and tried to compensate for those times by showing you my affection and feelings more often.  As I progressed in healing from my accident, I was able to take on harder work, and things started looking up financially.  By that point, the only frustration I felt really was from the way you were treating me.  I still don't know why you continued to hurt me like you did.  Back in Ohio, we had reached a point where you had said you felt ashamed, and asked me to forgive you.  I did.  Things got better, and you said you wanted a baby.  I told you I wanted one, but only if we could stay together to see her grown.  I said that because I wanted any child we had to be able to grow up with both her parents in her daily life.  My first children didn't have that, and I didn't want to have children just to have that repeat.  I was being honest, I wanted a baby with you, but only if you would be there with me.  After all the trips back and forth to Toledo, driving back and forth an hour each way to work over un-plowed roads...all while you struggled with a difficult pregnancy.  I did a lot for you, and for us, and wanted my effort to speak for the depth of my emotion for you and Savannah.  I felt a depth of emotion over every little thing that happened, cared more than I could ever express in words for you and my daughter.  I did sometimes make small mistakes, but some of them could have been avoided if you had just pointed them out...after all, how many times had you mentioned something, and I jumped at the opportunity to get it done?  You could have said, "Michael, clean that area up for me so I can put the baby down", and I would have been all over it.  
I was always there for you, whenever you needed me.  After I brought you and Savannah up here, I did everything that needed to be done to make our lives run smoothly.  If you needed help doing anything, I was there for you.  I kept trying to help you, and after all that, I found my trust had been broken again.  I don't think I"m a monster just because I express the pain I'm caused to feel.  I've never hit you, and could never conceive of doing so, despite all the times I was pushed to anguish and frustration by the woman I loved more than anything.  Throughout it all I've begged you to stop and think of Savannah and I, have suggested all kinds of routes to try and make things better.  I think it's cruel that I have been made to feel this way.  Back when I found out about you and your other attractions, I discovered a letter you had written to Matt, who apparently you were communicating with back in NC, that you had written two weeks after saying you would be my girlfriend.  That left me saddened beyond what I can express.  If you never wanted me, you could have just said so.  I don't need the attention of other women.  I can be satisfied with my girlfriend, wife, and later, my daughter.  I wasn't mistreating you in any way, I was just expressing my pain at being cheated on after being faithful to my word.  It hasn't been just me; there have been issues with you too, and instead of just blaming you for it (the only time I brought them up was when you criticized me, and if I was already stressed or tired I would get defensive) I have always tried to find a way to fix it.  I was never trying to make you feel like you were less of a person by suggesting going to a doctor or counselor or psychologist.  Like your pregnancy, I was willing to take that walk with you all the way.  It was because if there were other contributing factors, it would be better to know.  You and Brianna shared some symptoms of thyroid imbalance, which could have been having a negative effect on your life.  If there was anything else going on, this would have made it worse.  I only wanted to see that you were okay because I cared.  It wasn't an attempt in any way to make you feel bad, or have a negative connotation.  When you complained of chronic fatigue, and your emotions seem to be running back and forth from one end to the other, you husband takes notice, and wants to help.  I still think you should have it checked.  I want you to be healthy. 
I had been thinking about your father lately.  About meeting him that first time, and how badly I reacted after you told me to message him that t-shirt design. I was trying to defend you, and did a poor showing of it.  I'm sorry about that.  Even though we were both a bit tipsy, I shouldn't have sent it to him in the first place.  Because I had never had a real father relationship, I always felt a deep sadness at how you were treated, and wanted somehow to make it better for you.  When we saw him, I tried to be the emotional backup for you in the off chance you needed it, a man who loved his woman and was willing to defend her if necessary.  So, when you started bringing up the possibility of him helping us move my stuff, I was hoping that perhaps Savannah would provide that means of you and him perhaps healing things, if that is what you needed and wanted.  Part of me though, had doubts, because I had my trust broken before, and it was hard not to wonder if there was an alternate agenda.  That in turn left me sad, and somewhat frustrated as well.  I have sacrificed so much for you and Savannah, and done so willingly, because you both are worth any sacrifice I needed to make to ensure us as a family.  Maybe your relationship with him affected how you saw me.  I seem to remember you confessing to as much.  I laughed it off then, but had I listened, perhaps I wouldn't be crying in a room at nights alone now.  I can't help but to love my wife and daughter.  It's just the way I felt, and to make it that far only to have it torn out from under me hurts.  I just wanted you to know that I always felt saddened because I felt a father daughter relationship to be important, and wished it had been better for you.  I never really knew mine, but you did know yours, and to be rejected like that had to hurt you as deeply as I am feeling right now.   I wish things had been better for you in your childhood.  I wanted us to be able to give Savannah something better.
I"m sorry if my loving you aggravates you.  I don't know if it does.  I don't know if you feel anything at all for me.  Maybe you do.  Maybe it's all hatred now, even though I've done nothing but try to show how much I love you both.  If it is, then there's nothing I could ever have done to prevent it, because the harder I tried to please, the worse things seemed to get. I would have been willing to do anything to give  you the life you wanted.  I had been working to give you that, and yes, maybe I overreached a bit, but things were getting better.  They could have been better still.  Who is to say that in another year, two at the outside (like you said you would) that you wouldn't have the life you had wanted all along, and been happy with your decision to stand by your husband?
Maybe we'll never know.  I would like to know, myself.  I would like to know what things would have been like if you had just put the energy you placed in being unhappy, and everything connected with it, into instead doing positive things with your husband and daughter.  I would like to know if we could have succeeded together, and what we could accomplish, and what memories we could share with our little girl.
I would like to know if I ever stood a chance, or was it doomed from the beginning.  I guess it doesn't matter, because either way, the result is the same.  I end up loving you, and feeling helpless to do anything else, while not having that love returned.  More, what love that was returned to me gets taken from me.  I would like to know what we could have done if you had loved me the way you did when we met, the way I've always, always, loved you.  The way I love you still.  I wish I could stop, but I can't.  I've always cared for you  that much, and I can't just stop.  I'm sorry if that makes you have to do harsh things to me.  I wish it didn't.  I still have hope for us, because I can't imagine a life without you two in it now.   I've always just wanted to make you two happy.  I still would, if you let me.
I've said enough today.  This is the only way I can express myself now.  I wish you would change that.
Forever,
Your Michael
