When I was little, and for most of my life, I have been alone.  I had very few friends growing up, fewer than you did, and from my earliest memory, I longed for one thing:  One person that would love me the way I loved them.  I can remember wanting this as far back as I can remember.  After my first marriage, and the subsequent years I spent with Kali, I felt that I would never find that one person that was meant for me.  After Kali and I broke up, I was determined to never let myself get hurt again.  I am a giving person, and it hurt me deeply that those I cared for would take advantage of my nature.  I was in constant pain after my accident, but that never seemed to be taken into consideration.  So, we split, and I struggled to accept the fact that I would always be alone.  Then, I saw your DA profile.  Your photos spoke to me.  I felt some kind of connection with you that I could not explain.  Your emotions, you feeling of being alone, of being afraid of what was to come, the longing for someone, reached out to me.  One night, as I was looking at your pictures, I spoke aloud, as I often did when spending long periods of time by myself, and said "of all the girls I've ever seen online, I know I could be happy with this woman for the rest of my life."  It was spontaneous, and I felt every word of what I was saying.

Then, within a day or two, I had the most wonderful dream in my life, where this goddess walked beside me, holding just one of my fingers as she held my hand as we walked along the beach at sunset.  In this dream, we walked together for awhile, and then the scene changed to where you were standing at the back door to your dorm house, and I was saying goodbye.  Even in the dream, I didn't want to say goodbye...I was overcome with a feeling of love, of caring warmth, that I had never experienced before in my entire life.  That dream affected me so much, that upon waking, I sunk into a depression that lasted until you sent that first message to me.  Do you remember sending it?  I do.  When I read your first message, I was so blown away I couldn't even breathe...I couldn't dare to dream that such a beautiful, artistic woman could ever be interested in me.  As our conversations progressed, I found you to be everything I had ever wished for in a friend, and possible lover and wife.  Those times were magic, and are the single happiest span of time I have ever experienced.  Here was a woman who seemed to love me for who I was, and I wanted to be with you more than anything.  The one thing I knew i would not be able to take emotionally, was losing you, so I did my best to prevent that sort of pain, even if it meant that I had to stay lonely forever.  Over the following weeks, you wore down my resistance, and I actually had hope that somehow, I had managed to encounter the one person that I was meant for.  The only word I can think of that describes how you make me feel, then and all through our relationship, is transcendent.  After all those years of loneliness and feeling separate, here was a woman that was everything I had ever wanted and more.  You were a wonder to me, gorgeous and talented.

I wanted you to be interested too, so I put on this tough guy image, because you said you wanted someone who could protect you and keep you safe.  At heart, I'm a peaceful man.  I just wanted to enjoy every second I could with you, in a safe and secure place, and give us a family.  Any time in my life where I've just been myself, I have gotten taken advantage of, and thought that appearing aggressive would spare me that.  I've never liked violence, despite what you may think or tell others.  I'd rather just play with Savannah, or spend time with you and her, than anything remotely aggressive.  You gave me a beautiful daughter, and she is perfect to me in every way, despite any setbacks she may have had.  I adored you both, and all I looked forward to was being able to come home to the two people I loved most every day.

I don't think you know how much it hurt to have you cheat on me.  I think you push out that feeling from your conscience, because inside you know how much I really care, and because if you thought about it too long you would realize how wrong it is for all of us.  I also don't think you see how you behave from an outside perspective.  You aren't really 'in love' with the ones you cheat on me with, because you've cheated on them too - this isn't love.  What you are feeling is being driven by something else, and because I love you, all I wanted to was to discover the actual source of your unhappiness, and do what I could to restore you to that wonderful woman that I met.  There were times I wasn't happy either - from financial pressures, from stress at work, etc. but I was always honest about where my unhappiness came from   That you continued to work to bring us down while I worked so hard to make things better hurt me in ways I cannot describe.  I could never imagine doing anything like that, and do not feel that it is actually normal behavior.  I refuse to believe that you would go to such lengths - I understand it is thrilling to meet a new person, but you had proclaimed your love for me, and had gone through and married me, vowing to honor and cherish.

Having you pull away from me was more painful than anything I've experienced.  Of course I'd be upset to try to hard, to sacrifice so much just to show my love, just to have it thrown away.  If you knew how much I love you, how deeply it actually goes, you would understand why I react the way I do.  There is nothing more painful than watching the greatest joy in your life, the hope for your future and your happiness as a human being, of having that feeling of completeness, ripped out of your life.  When I tried to help you, when I suggested that you at least explore the possibility that you might have some issues that could be corrected, you resented me for it, and that hurt.  During your pregnancy, we both lived through fear and doubt just about every day, and every moment I was away from you was torture.  It's even worse now, for obvious reasons. You seem to switch back and forth from loving me one minute, to hating me the next.  Can you even imagine how much that hurts me?  I'm not trying to bring you down - I'm just trying to get you to see how unnecessary all of this was.  We have a child together, and was trying to build a future, and with just a month or so of getting ahead financially, everything comes apart.  I wasn't treating you badly - how could back rubs every night, and my attention and affection, be considered bad treatment?  I just wanted us to be able to enjoy our lives together, and if you had ever really given us a chance, we could.  After all, it's a fact that you have spent a majority of your time and energy on other guys more than you ever have me, or even Savannah.  Again, not laying blame, just stating facts that were obvious to just about anyone who was actually there.  If you had given me the time you said you would, you would have seen a rapid improvement in our lives, and would have seen that we could be happy.  Instead, you throw yourself at any guy who will pay attention to you, and then go and start talking about marriage to them (obvious from your emails) while still married to me.

That is wrong, plain and simple, and neither I nor Savannah deserve what has happened.  I hope you are not stupid enough to sleep with him.  I really do.  You mean so much to me, that I can't and won't share that part of myself with anyone ever again.  Not because I couldn't, but because you were, and could still be, perfect for me, and after meeting you, i know nothing else could ever compare.  That is how much I  care, how deeply my love for you runs.  I just wish you felt the same about me, and would give me as much time as you have others...not time where you are placating me until you have another opportunity to find someone or whatever, but time where you actually leave yourself open to what you already have - a man who has, and will, do anything to give you what you want in life.  I'd like to die knowing I did everything I could to provide for my wife and baby.

Every moment we are apart, are moments that can never be gotten back.  I have no greater pleasure than seeing my daughter and my wife, happy and enjoying our time together.  I've been made to miss so many important moments - I've only been able to witness half of her birthdays and Christmases, not to mention all the little moments that come in between, moments that are precious to me.  Why can't you give me enough time with you and her to show you how happy we could be?  If there are other issues that are bringing you stress, they can be solved.  I've never been the person you make me out to be - almost all of the issues we have faced are also encountered by most couples, and we could work them out, if you would only work with me.  Those days with you, any day with you and Savannah, are the most important thing in my life.  You took the time and energy to get me, so please, please, stop hurting me this way.  I've never been against you- I've been there for you whenever you needed me.  Please consider that maybe you are looking for something else - it would be the greatest of crimes to toss me away, and then one day realize you may have had a better life if only you had stayed with me.  Consider the possibility that maybe other factors are influencing the way you feel.  I gave you attention and affection every day - you make me elated with every smile, every kind word.  Every bit of my stress disappears when that little girl takes my finger.  You know that what I am saying is true.  You know how I feel about you and Savannah.  No relationship is just about you...there are others involved in this, and both me and Savannah deserve to have a chance at a happy life with a full family.

So, because nothing else has worked, I'm begging you not to continue your present course.  There is nothing that anyone else could give you that I can't.  We both know this is true - I've proven it more times than I can count.  That should mean something to you.  It definitely means something to me, and would mean a lot to our daughter.

Please Michelle.  I can't help but get frustrated sometimes.  I'm human.  If I had ever behaved the way you have, even once, you would just have walked.  I haven't.  I've forgiven you over and over again, but each time i do, I'm not allowed to heal before I was made to worry again.  I can't explain why you have treated me the way you have - I've lost count of how many times I've heard or read complaints about the man running around, being abusive, etc.  I've never done any of that.  You know as well as I do that I've always been happiest just doing things with you and Savannah.  It doesn't matter what it is, I love being around you two more than anything else.  So, I'm begging you to please consider your husband and your daughter in regards to this.  I would do anything and everything I could to make you happy.  I want to share in your life, and Savannah's life.  Please don't take the most wonderful things in my life, the people that bring me the only true happiness I've known in the last twenty years, away.  I know it may be hard to believe, but if we got back together, I would look at it as a fresh start.  I would not hold anything against you, or even bring it up.  You know that we have been so close - I've made you laugh, I've made you shudder with pleasure, I've made Savannah happy every day.  Please don't take that away.  I've already lost so much.  Please, Dragonfly, please - remember how you felt when we met.  I know I could make you feel that way again.

Always,

Your Michael