After the events of today, a timeline began forming in my mind.  Let's see how right I am about this.
To be politically correct, we'll call him 'mister playa'.  
Mista Playa leaves your work, and in a drunken rage, you verbally abuse me and shove across the room.  Up until then, you had continued to see him at work.  When Amber's boyfriend decided to rent out the garage apartment, you had it in the back of your mind to live there after disposing of me.  Meanwhile you are bad mouthing me to Britt, because I was making it more difficult for you to continue your relationship with said playa.  Then, I discover his number on your phone again, and you say you don't know how it got there, as if I am a complete idiot.
Sometime either before or after, you and Mista Playa were most likely hooking up at Amber's, and thus you were able to keep pretending I had a chance to actually have a life with you.  Is that pretty much the way it was, because it sure feels like it.  I'm willing to bet a good amount of your time on Saturdays was actually spent with someone other than your daughter.  When you actually stop and consider how much you have done to hurt other human beings, it just leaves me anguished.  I would never have imagined you of being capable of such things.  Yet you call me the monster.  Because I wanted my wife to love me like I loved her, because I knew we could be awesome if she only would allow us to be.  I made it clear, before we even got together, that the main reason I never wanted another relationship, even with a woman who seemed more than perfect, was because I never wanted any of things in my life that I have been forced to go through with you: the lies, the repeated cheating, the manipulation in order to get what you want.  Having to see what I saw today.  None of it.  You have broken every promise, every assurance, that you ever gave me.  In the end, I ended up acting exactly like I told you before we met.  I was completely honest with you, and have been since the first day you jumped in my arms.  You know as well as I do how undeserving I am of this treatment, despite what you would like others to believe.  For the last four years, my only source of real frustration has been with your lack of fidelity, with the lies and obvious attempts to get me to treat you badly so you would have an excuse to leave.  
It's more than sad.  It's just wrong.  I can't stop thinking about all the times I was there for you, worried about you, cried over you.  I see you as this amazing, creative woman, and I'm seen as some sort of lowlife (when the real low life are the ones you end up choosing...case in point).  None of that is right, Michelle.  I may have some flaws, but nothing I have ever done has ever earned me what I am going through.  Despite the mostly small mistakes I made, I did my best every single day to give you and Savannah the best of me, and the only time I failed at this is when you put more effort into getting away than you did to seeing what was right in front of you.
You've really hurt me, Michelle.  I've never been this hurt, this sad and insulted to the point of absolute anguish, in my entire life.  Are you happy now?  You were happy back when you made a baby with me...you were mostly happy enough to let me support us while you went to school.  You were always happy enough to let me do things for you, and to you.  Your happiness was never dependent on your situation.  Let's face it - you've always had to have more attention.  In a couple years, you'll go through this again, and again.  Part of me wonders if you will ever really be happy.  It's always so thrilling when you first meet someone, and, like you have said many times, you have a cycle, and when that cycle is up, you pretty much toss away who you are with.  I was hoping to break that. I know just how awesome we could be together, how right we were (and still are, though I doubt you will see that) together, and that knowledge makes the heartache even more unbearable.  We were on the road to having so much together, with the promise of more to come, and you pulled the rug out from under us as a family.  You didn't have to keep me dangling along all that time.  I made you laugh so many times, and we shared some of the closest moments any two people could share, and you act like they meant nothing.
Well, they aren't nothing to me.  They were meant to be treasured memories, the ones I treasure most upon my passing from this earth, and now the bring me equal amounts of pain each time I remember them.  You took the most beautiful things I had known in this life away from me, and have made me experience the greatest fears I had, things I aimed every day at not having to go through in my life.  I don't even know what was the truth, and what was a lie anymore.  You flip flopped so much in emotion, and in regards to truth, that I really don't know.  Was any of that fair?  Why do something like that to a guy who was trying to find someone to talk to?  You say it was 'easy' to 'get me'. It wasn't easy for me.  I had to wrestle with the possibility of having to live through heartache and pain, the anguish of lost time and unrequited emotions, a waste of life.  It wasn't easy for me at all.  In the end, I trusted you. I trusted that you would keep your promises, that you were the person you said you were.  I trusted that you wouldn't hurt me, or cheat on me, or break my heart.
I trusted you, and I fell in love with you.
then, every time you asked, every time you needed something from me, I did my absolute best to give it to you.  Even after you left me, I defended you, and gave you whatever you would ask for.  And in the end, all I got for all the devotion, all the time and the tears, all the hard work and moving from place to place and busting my ass, was a wife who wanted to accept anyone's love but that of the man who wanted most to give it to her.
You can talk about 'change' and 'growth' all you want, but those words are used to describe forward progress, and an increasing amount of infidelity and lies and emotional abuse to justify your actions are none of those things.  They are the opposite.  I have always been honorable to you.  I have honored my vow to love and to cherish. Those willing to draw you away from your husband are by definition, dishonorable, and therefore undeserving.  You can dress up gutter trash any number of ways, but it the behavior that determines their true character, or lack of it.   I was always there to defend you, and this was something you encouraged.  Then, along the way, you became the exact opposite of everything you had been.  I saw this as something that would cause pain for everyone, and tried my best to keep it from happening for the good of all, but in that, you were determined to keep going.  I wish you could admit the truth of this.  The other you, the you I met, the you that you let show through so much of the time, is a much better person.  I don't believe that woman likes what you have become either.  I can only pray that there is still some essence of that person left, for that person made me happier than I had ever been - not just because she loved me, but simply due to what and who she was - a damaged, perfectly imperfect gem, an angel that could produce amazing art and was capable of amazing love, an empath who could look into my soul and see the truth, who would be an amazing and loving mother.  
Like I said - I hope she is still in there somewhere.  All through this, no matter how upset I sound, or how anguished I feel, I have never stopped loving her.  And you just keep hurting me.  It's not right, and I wish you would realize it.  I know you'll likely just continue to reinforce your reasoning, but I was never aggravated in the last four years without a good reason.  I did my best to make you happy in every way I knew how.  If you can, stop and try to see how things were, and are, from my side.  How would you have felt if every time things began to look promising, you were cheated on?  What if you found they weren't disposable, and would always be the love of your life?  What if, now, you knew you would never find anyone that could approach what you already had?  What if you were made to feel helpless to save the best thing that ever happened to you?  Can you imagine it at all?  I was terrified of exactly what has happened - that I would fall completely in love with you, and then be powerless as you hurt me and left me.  It was the most horrible thing I could imagine happening to me, and I've been living it every day.  For over four years.  You were cheating on me as far back as when we first got together, so I wonder if it all wasn't just a game.  
It's too much to bear, and I'll never be right again.  You could make it right, but after today, I see how much you really must hate me.
I wish you didn't, because we have been, and could be, so much more.  All you had to do was have a little faith.  I carried through on everything I ever said, and things could be better than they have ever been.  Savannah could have both her parents in her life every day.  We could have a good life, and you could still have those other things you wanted, even if it was later on, it wouldn't be too late.  I wish my words had ever been able to get through to that girl I met.  I wish she would hear them now.
Even now, through all the pain and injustice, I am forever,

Your Michael
